Kicking Cancer's Ass

Good Man

2011-05-18T18:35:00.002-05:00

My Wife's post: Great with respect, acknowledge he is the man, doesnt always have to be verbal, just because your husband/man expects meals & a little cleaning is probably because its just him wanting to be taken care of in turn for him taking care of you. Again sometimes unspoken. Show him you have everything there is to offer, you fit the checklist, he just needs reminding after all men are very verbal creatures. Some men are not into cuddling 24/7, dont get mad if you want something & he is honestly is asking you what you want & your not telling him. You think he's been with me for this long & he doesnt know what I want. Thats also called rowling yourself up or in a mans eyes "getting mad at him for no reason". In all fairness ladies he cannot read your mind. Help him out alittle & tell him what you want. Remember & give him credit, he has alot on his mind & already works a long week to come home to you. He doesnt read minds & neither do you. Ask for the same from him. Also another point I have learned from the patterns in my own marriage that when he is going to work without question & paying the bills, the car, the food & never once complains, then make sure you give him credit for that. When you get mad because you think he isnt paying enough attn to you remember that he dedicated every hour to taking care of a home with you included. In his eyes he is doing his part, the mans role, that works & pays bills & takes care of his woman.He actually would like to hear that you are proud of him during those moments, not that he doesnt pay enough attn to you. You want more, take a step back & switch it up. When he thinks your going to nag him because he didnt remember what color shirt you wore yesterday,To him he is taking care of his business, which is taking care of you & kids, if there are any. Tell him thanks for once - Renee Bravo

Its been a while

2011-02-23T20:50:00.002-06:00

Hello Guys,

Its been a while since I posted on my tulips blog, well im back! I had to really collect myself for a couple of days and realy reflect on my wife not being here. Its still a big shock to us that our Angel is not here. The weird thing is that we can see her here at home! My daughter sees her all the time walking and has wings so it really feels like she is here. I see her but its transparent when I do, who cares right as long as shes here. I miss her guidence so much and her smell and that smile. I am not scared to die now cause I know shes waiting for me but I have to get our kids set. Enough about death! Its time to heal! Till next time!

Forever in our Hearts...Rae Rae love you girl!

Your Husband

King Tito

Memorial

2011-02-01T12:43:00.002-06:00

Hi Guys,

Its been a while since I posted on my wifes blog due to me getting her memorial together. It was really hard to say goodbye to my wife in front of everyone since we never did share are most inner thoughts. The memorial was all how I planned it, I hope Renee was proud of me. Father Michael was gratious enough to precide over her memorial which meant the world to me and my family. A Father who knew us and especially knew my wife. Words of comfort I have been waiting to hear for 4 years since holding all emotions inside because I did not want to have Renee see me panic or scarred. Everyone that loved and cared for Renee was there and the ones who couldn't make it were sending prayers by the masses. Man I love and miss my wife, I am still in complete shock that shes gone. I feel her even now around me and I want to go fix her pillows or get her some juice. The nights are the worst for me, Im used to hearing Bebe I need your help and I dont hear that anymore. I hope my wife is taking a great journey in Heaven and saving a spot up their for me Right now though I have to fullfill her promise and get our son to graduate high school. So the past sunday my mother called and asked if were going to church and I just wasnt in the mood, then I rolled over and saw the hundreds of pictures I put on the wall and I heard her say Get UP so I did and church was like home only warmer.

To my wife

2011-01-26T23:16:00.003-06:00

Hi Guys, If you didnt already know my wife passed away yesterday fighting this Cancer and my girl cheated death twice. Know this all the nurses and doctors were the best I have seen and they put her in the best suite and what a view of downtown. You should have seen the glow in her eyes when we held hands and watch the sunset. Man that was priceless. I am not bitter my wife is gone cause I know she is with our Lord and loved ones. I saw it myself. I made the choice for thr doctors to release my tulip. She would have done the same for me. I didnt tell you guys last night when I was in bed and my daughter was sleeping with me and I couldnt sleep cause I kept smelling her. I was in pitch black and I kept saying bebe where are you??? I felt her! All this support and prayers is all she was striving for. You guys dont know our privite moments when we would not say anything but just talking with our minds and laughing. At her last moments when I made the final decision that Renee went out with no pain and was a soft exhale. I kissed my tulip all over and gave her my butterfly kisses on her nose. Man her smell of love was and is still intoxicating and drives me crazy even now. I just welded my wedding ring to my finger! I will make her spirit live forever so help me God!

My Wife

2011-01-23T13:25:00.003-06:00

Hi Im Renees husband Chris and I will be posting updates for my wife from now on. The latest on her condition is that her heatlh has taken a turn for the worse. She is very weak and it is hard for her to think clearly anymore. She is the toughest person I have ever met and I am lost without her. I have taken a leave of absense from work to be by her side from here on no matter what. There has been overwhelming support from family, my mom which rae sees as her mother, Janet and George, Mrs. Caster, My aunt Betty, Jessica her sister and many more. I have never had more faith in God and what his plans are for my wife. I told rae(renee) that our fathers must be starting bar fights in heaven and the Lord needs her to settle them down. I am trying to hold it together for my wife and kids but man it is overwhelming and I never tell my feelings but I can hear rae tell me "I need to update my blog" so here I am cause I know her friends and family that can't see her or talked to her are worried. She is in good hands, I already told her that I will be at her side and melt with her. Isnt that what marriage is all about? Thick and thin, whatever happens to be at eachothers side? She has taught me to be the man that I am and noone will ever take her place ever! She is MY HEART and you need your heart to stay alive. Just remember Renee's favorite verse: Be still and know that I am God, maybe this will bring you comfort.....

More to come I promise.

ReneeBravo.com

2010-10-16T10:44:00.004-05:00

For new postings after October 16, 2010 you will need to visit www.reneebravo.com. I haven't changed anything but the web address. I have more tools with this site and the hope I will be able to reach even more women. Check it out and let me know what you think!

Peace and love to you all!

Renee B.

Cowboys vs. Tennessee

2010-10-07T22:47:00.004-05:00

I really wanted to share that my husband and I are 2 out of 100 chosen out of 20,000 entries that are going to be a part of the Susan G. Komen halftime show at this weekends Dallas Cowboys football game. Chris and I will be representing for all the Breast Cancer people from across all the states. We are being picked up on the Cowboys bus, get to watch the game from the Miller Lite Suite at the new stadium and will be walking on the field during the halftime show!

We could not be more excited about this especially at the new stadium. It is expensive these days with the new stadium and all so it will be nice to get our first trip to the new billion dollar stadium to be such a great memory but I will get pictures for sure!

Also Amb. Nancy Brinker will be in the building doing the coin toss at the game so she will actually be in the building. For those who don't know who she is, she is the founder of Susan G. Komen foundation itself. Its an honor to be in the halftime show she is putting on with Jerry Jones in honor of kicking off the first Sunday of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

When we found out we were chosen it was a blessing all in itself. I cant wait, I know I keep saying that but I really mean it. I want to represent for all the women who fight everyday and don't get credit for what they go through. I am here to give you credit and say to you, Keep Fighting, Keep Shining, and do not give up no matter what. It is a new day everyday and don't be afraid to get up and try again because of it. I know every women out there has the strength in them to do it. Yes you have hard days, yes you cry, yes you have to get mad and get it all out so that you can move on and get things done.

I am st the beginning of my radiation for my spine and my left leg. I thought it was my shoulder but no, its my spine. They will be doing my shoulder later. So I say that I am going to get it done, and zap this crap right out of my body!

Anyway, besides it making me tired, I am really responding well to this radiation. I am not scarring, or scabbing, or burning on my skin yet so I have my fingers cross that I wont have to go through that again.

Peace and love,
Renee B.

2010-10-03T18:19:00.004-05:00

The xrays I had last week of September came back with a fracture in my shoulder. I knew it was hurting but wasn't sure it had gotten to that point of a fracture. The cancer in my bones is responsible for that and I know that I will have more pain before I get relief.

I found this out when I was at my consultation for my radiation so the only good thing that came out of this is I will be able to do my shoulder radiation at the same time as my leg radiation. Its 10 treatments as well. I am at very happy that I wont have to wait for my leg radiation to be done before I started on my shoulder.

So I have had first appointment and I get my schedule and my first treatment on my next visit. I already know what to expect pretty much so this should blow by and be a breeze. My chest radiation was 39 treatments so 10 doesn't feel so long or wont burn me as bad as this time. I guess we shall see...

Why I Always Believe

2010-09-30T00:57:00.004-05:00

I have had the roughest past few months than I have had in a long time. Its been a long time since I can remember myself questioning my place and if I am going in the right direction and if the blog was helping anyone and if I should continue to write and if it was doing any good in this world.
It was only a few days until I got an email on my facebook from the National Breast Cancer Foundation asking if I wanted to be a part of a project they have coming up. I am in the middle of details and meeting. Needless to say that just the simple sign from above that I am doing what I need to be doing. Lead and I shall follow are my prayers tonight!!

Renee B

2010-09-24T01:08:00.005-05:00

I had a day full of appointments today. I went for one scheduled appointment originally knowing that there were other things I needed to take care of. I knew that if they could be so kind to fit me while I was there that I would stay. I needed my chemo and also needed to see my nutritionist, the social worker, and the counselor who ended up popping in at the end.

I was pleased to go today which is an unusual thing for me most of the time. I have been forced to hear bad news at each and every doctor visit. For the first years I struggled to get over that part of it. There are 2 sides to every story and there is another side to looking at going to these doctor visits. I finally realized that although the doctors have to deliver the bad news, it is something that has to be done so that you can get to the healing part. I also realized that these teams of doctors are also trying to save me so I need to go and no matter what I hear. I now decide to turn the nervous energy into a positive place. It is something that you have to do if you want to move forward with your treatments.

I am lucky that I absolutely love my team of doctors., I haven't always been able to say that. I am lucky that I can say that now. I had an instinct that would tell me if this was the doctor for me or not. There are some who talk to you as if you are already dead and others that don't talk to you at all, just tell you what to take. I am the type of girl that need information. I think knowledge is power and if you are going through anything like this, the more information you know the better of you are and the better off your treatment plan is or can be. I know that my fellow women out there and are smart enough to know when and where you can find the answers to the questions you are looking for. Email me, we will try and find it together...so anyway I did take myself to the doctor, drove, parked crazy far because there was no
parking in handicap. I walked all the way in there and to be honest I times my meds just right to be working perfectly while I was having to walk and talk to everyone. I was so pleased to see everyone especially the main doctor I was there to see. She truly is one of my angels and I do love going to see her. Maybe that is another reason I was able to turn my thinking around when it comes to going to my appointments. Anyway, I stayed to take care of everything I needed to which included xrays on my shoulder and neck. I can say now that it takes alot out of me when I give my all like that. I have to learn how to proportion myself out or something..lol... But no, my leg hurt the next days, maybe from the walking, and I was sore no doubt. I was so excited at the time that I ignore all and go for the goal, get the job done. That is how it has to be. Well I think I posted early so sorry if it sent you multiple messages to my followers. Prayers to all!

Renee Bravo

2010-09-10T19:38:00.005-05:00

Its Friday today. I have tried to do nothing but relax today. Yesterday was very traumatizing. The last thing in the day that happened was we had tornado touch down not blocks from the house. I was outside just a few minutes before and saw the hook cloud. It is the beginnings of a tornado for people who live outside of Texas. This same hook cloud was what formed the tornado that ended up tearing off roofs of buildings. These were big concrete warehouse buildings and big semi trucks that just got picked up like it was nothing. No one was killed thank the Good Lord. It rained so much. It was remnants of the tropical storm that came through. Glad its over with and its Friday today needless to say. I spent the day at home with my dogs.

As for my medical issues lately, I figured out today that one of my incisions had a small infection so I know why I have had extra pain since my surgery. Instant relief came after getting it all cleaned up and its already healing nicely. It ended up being a piece of a stitch that was as small as a millimeter. I got it out though. I have had pains in my chest here and there. I wont know anything about that until I get another scan. I am able to go in spurts when it comes to walking or doing anything that requires energy or effort. I still do it. There is nothing that is going to keep me down. I will always get back up. I will always try again. I will never stop. I will not back down for any reason, for anyone, ever. I end up healing and I am reminded that yes my body still works when even a tiny piece of stitch is able to push itself out of my body. Its great for me to be reminded of that. Believe it or not, its something that crosses my mind from time to time. I am forced to pay attention to every little thing that happens with my body because its a habit now. I actually cant stand it sometimes. It causes me to worry at times when I don't need to or shouldn't be.

This type of thing can drive you crazy if you let it. Every pain, every burning or tingling I have, headaches I get, it could be just about anything. I do know the different pains though. The cancer pain, the bone cancer pain, the nerve pain, and the aching are all different kinds of pain. They all stack up on top of each other and a lot of times that is what I take and endure all the while smiling for everyone so THEY wont be uncomfortable. I think I am making it easier for others, but all that does is make them think that I am just cruising through life with no worries. It ends up working against me in the long run because all people do is gossip. I even had one aunt accuse me of "faking" it. Can you believe that? Well I couldn't make this stuff up. So its just one more person that smiles to my face and talks about me behind my back. You see I have a huge family and I would say that most of them are too busy with their own lives to even bother with me. I have my husband and my 2 kids and my grandmother who really give me support. My aunt Judy and my Uncle Crae are very important to me as well. When I say support it doesn't mean coming to bow down and worship me. I am thankful for just a simple phone call or email just saying hi, and I'm thinking of you. I can testify that when you think that your family doesn't care or you are hurt by the rudeness of family, even moms, dads, brothers or sisters, anyone in your life who abandons you after your diagnosis, the Lord will send you people to replace those others. You will get new friends, new doctors, nurses, fellow patients, counselors, and the list goes on....the ugly will be replaced with joy and love from places you never expected and at times when your not even looking for it or paying attention. Don't give up is the important thing. Never give up. Say every single day "I am not going anywhere", and your body will respond. Faith is a great tool at this time.

That doesn't even scratch the surface of all the things that I go through on a daily basis. I am gathering up the courage to type the latest report that I got from my body scan. They listed all the places that this cancer lurks inside me. Very hard to hear. I can tell you that I could have written that report myself because I feel it inside me. Its trippy to actually see it on the scan, and heart wrenching to hear it confirmed. I let myself cry about it and then I move on. I challenge anyone to hear that type of thing and not cry about it. It will never make me give up, or back down. This cancer picked the wrong person to mess with!

I'm kicking ass people. Join me won't you! Love and peace to everyone. Sending angels and prayers, send them back!

Renee Bravo

2010-09-10T02:13:00.002-05:00

I haven't written anything in a few weeks. So much has been going on that I have been trying to work out. Its been a confusing time in my life. I have been very aware that there is big changes going on in my life and I am just adjusting to everything the best way I can. I keep my strength and I keep my prayers with me at all times. No one can penetrate my zone when it comes to that. I have a fierce aura and I block all negative energy and send it back. I am becoming wiser. I plan to share with you the lessons I am learning and have been through. Its the best way to get it out there so no one has to be hurt or confused just so they can be happy again. I just want to be happy. Seems like too much to ask at times, but you know what... if anything I will make sure of its that. I will be happy everyday, no matter what! Join me wont you!

Love to all,
Renee B.

What Cancer CAN NOT Do!

2010-08-08T19:42:00.000-05:00

Update on left leg

2010-07-22T00:40:00.002-05:00

Things with my leg have been much different than with my right leg. The reason being that my left leg included my hip that had issues too. My right leg did not have that. So I am healing a leg that has issues in the hip and its much more painful and is taking longer to heal. No matter what I always keep a positive attitude and I say that I am doing well. The Lord let me wake up another day and I can not complain about it. Most people I know already have made their peace with losing me. When I hear that I just shake my head because I am not going anywhere. It seems like people give up on you before you give up on you. What does that tell me? Like I said, I know who loves me, I know who is my friend, and I need and want prayers from all of those who are willing to send me positive vibes and prayers that will help me heal and help me get up and be on my feet for longer than 5 minutes at a time. I was unable to even stand at all so being able to stay on my feel for longer than 5 minutes is a great thing for me. Its an accomplishment all the same. I am a cheer leading team of 1 and I root for myself with all the greatness of the world on my shoulders. I have love that overpowers the haters. I have way more friends, and peaceful people who send me love and I know it cancels out all the haters who dont care about me one bit. I never said I needed everyone to support me. If someone feels that way I didnt need them anyway, plain and simple. I have cut all drama from my life. Love is all I need!
Renee B.
Lover not a Fighter!

Nerve Pinch

2010-07-15T01:12:00.002-05:00

One of the things they did to me while I was in the hospital was a nerve block. They tried to do a spinal block which caused them to push on my spine to make sure which bone was which. It was all good until they got to my lower spine and they pushed so hard on the part where my tumors are that I went into my surgery crying. They were not able to do it through my spine after all that, they ended up doing a groin nerve pinch which just meant that it was on my upper thigh on the inside. They ended up being successful with that, but it ended up meaning that I did not regain full control of my leg until about 2 days. I couldnt feel anything, I guess that was a good thing. So since I went into my surgery crying, I woke up crying as well. It was a tough experience to go through, and I am just not able to speak about it. I could not believe how hard they pressed on my back, it made my leg tingle which was weird. So that is one part I can share with you right now. I try not to remember the difficult times, but if I dont share them everyone thinks that what I go through isnt hard or difficult just because I dont complain. I take everything in stride and I deal with it if I have to. I dont think anyone appreciates the simplicity of that but I do. I have faith and I will never complain about what I am dealing with. Its life, I deal with it day by day just like everyone else.

Judgemental

2010-07-15T00:17:00.002-05:00

I have been through a lot this year. Many people have shown their true colors in my life when I dont do anything to anyone but try to live another day. For some reason family is a subject in my life I never thought I would have a problem with. Maybe by me not thinking I had anything to worry about something went wrong. All I know is if I told you that I had family members texting me ugly messages while I was in the hospital for 5 days would you bellieve it. I did. Close family members too. It was not ok and I do not appreciate how judgemental everyone seems to be all the sudden. I have always said that I am here for anyone, anytime but since my diagnosis, no one really talks to me about their problems or issues. I guess they dont want to add anything to what I am already going through. I keep in contact with my real friends and people that know and love me or me and I am fine with that. I dont judge anyone, and I dont spread gossip although that is what every hater tries to do to me. For some reason I have a problem in my life when it comes to some people. I have always said that if you dont want me in your life that its fine with me, I have really seen that jumping to conclusions and being judgemental about someone is definately the wrong thing to do. Maybe remembering that everyone is going through something and maybe smiling at others instead of being scared to talk to people maybe would make this world a little better place.

Hottness

2010-07-13T16:58:00.002-05:00

It has been so hott that I really havent been anywhere or attempted to go do any walking. I talked about talking my girl to Six Flags or something fun before summer runs out but I feel like its been way to hot. Chris and I have other things in mind, air conditioned things like the Planeterium, or the Imax should be fun to do. Chris has worried about me walking around too much which is something I dont think about when planning fun. I dont think about limitations when having fun, who does? Well I will let you know what happens..

Doing Better

2010-07-12T18:20:00.004-05:00

My leg is doing better. I know that from before when I could only take a couple of steps at a time. I decided to use crutches this time after my surgery instead of a walker. This time it was different even though they did the same surgery, they went about it differently than they did with my other leg. They cut in a different place, they used a nerve pinch this time on my leg and they didn't do that last time. The thing that is left to hurt now is the hardware that they installed in my leg which is actually bolted to my knee and my hip. It is fusing as we speak. It hurts. I also have jerking that happens sometimes and if I am sitting wrong it jerks sideways kinda and it hurts too. I don't know how else to go about getting better except to do it slowly and carefully. I haven't been getting up much but when I do I try slowly to put full weight on my leg. Slowly but surely. The right leg I was able to put full weight on my leg in a couple days. This time its taking a couple weeks. The break was in a different place and everything so I know its not going to be the same. I am going in for my radiation planning meeting very soon. I am told I am going to have about 10 treatments. Same as I had on my right leg. I know what to expect this time. I am keeping the faith that the pain will cease to exist when all that is over with. I had my eyes on finishing the surgery so much that I forgot completely about radiation. Guess I know that I need to get it over with and I will be happy to that is for sure!

Home From Hospital

2010-07-07T22:54:00.002-05:00

Hello to all! I am officially home from the hospital and able to sit up just enough to write something down for you real quick. I ended up having a rod installed in my left leg just like my right one. They went about it in different ways which was sorta strange to me. I did my best in there and its such a long story that I am sure I will have to get to it in parts. I did end up going in through emergency after I went to my regular appointment. They didn't want me to leave because they feared I may injure my leg even further before they could fix it. I ended up staying for days and days.
So much happened over the weekend. I have had a real wake up call in a lot of ways and I'm not sure how it happened or why. I'm not going to take too many things at a time which I feel some around me are trying to force me to do.
The thing is I know how hard it is to take care of me. I take care of me every day. I am a fighter and I have enough left in me to know what I want and what I don't want, and how I am going to be treated and how I am not going to be treated. I just think life is way to short for bull and I definitely know that I don't have any time to waste with drama. I am starting to realize everyday more about myself and the people around me. Remember guys, it doesn't only take family around you as a care and support system. My husband has been the biggest rock there is, but outside of home I am really going to start trying to be support for others as I look for support as well. I am going to have fresh conversation about things from fresh eyes even if it is a message board or posting on someones page. I have been invited to be a part of several medical pages and I am going to start being a part of that. I know it will help others and that is my main goal, with a second goal of conversing with someone who TRULY knows what I am going through because they are going through it too. Well I'm tired and I'm going to rest. I have a treatment in the morning and oyeah, I will be having a consult for radiation early next week. So all in all if I can get the pain under control with all those other things in mind I think its a good start.
Peace and Love,
RENEE B <3

Time's A Wastin

2010-06-26T10:27:00.002-05:00

I know that I am doing all I can. I have been comforted by every single doctor I have that there is nothing more I could be doing for myself than what I am already doing. I feel like I am just wasting time though.
I have my dreams on hold to take care of myself 100% with no other focus. I am really at the end of waiting for things to happens. I don't like my fate in other peoples hands. I am in charge of what happens to me and I am more than excited that maybe when they fix my other leg I will be able to be on my feet again. I can go do the things I want to do without worrying about if my pain will be an issue. I also don't like to interrupt others day with having to wait for me. I know that it isn't an issue for anybody that I have around me. They would do anything for me. I know that. I just want to do as much for myself as I can.
We have been getting the house ready for when I come home. I wont have any obstacles. Whether I have to have a walker or crutches for a while, I will need the space to use these items to get me around. I wont pull a wheelchair out unless there is a bunch of walking that day. Like the zoo, or the other day Chris wheeled me around for my xray. It was on the bottom floor and my doctor appointment is on another floor so there would be a lot of walking.
All I know is I am ready to know what they are going to do, how it will effect me, and when I will be able to be 100 miles and runnin again. Oh because you better believe that I will.
Love to all,
Renee B.

Deja Vu

2010-06-25T14:02:00.003-05:00

I went to my appointment on Wed of last week. I had to go to the xray first so by the time I went to the see the doctor then she would have seen what was wrong with me. There is a massive fracture in my left femur now and they were so afraid of it snapping that they wanted to admit me through the emergency room at that moment. Mostly for the pain it was causing me not because they were going to operate on me that minute.
I am still going to have surgery very quickly on this one. I am not totally sure what they are going to do at this point but I am scared. The surgery was the worst pain I have ever had in my life. This time I have a team of pain management doctors that will be there for me and I am comforted by that.
I was told to be there Monday morning at 5am. I am happy I did not spend the weekend there I know they wanted to install the pain pump right then and there though. Its time to take care of this no matter what.
Renee

All In A Day Of Pain

2010-06-18T21:07:00.003-05:00

I am still waiting to find out what is causing my pain. I am wondering if it is something new or just pain from existing conditions that I am dealing with. I have dealt with pain during this whole thing but I haven't had it break me down and have me in the bed all day curled up. This time I have had a few days like that. The pills are starting to make me sick every time I take them so I am never really fully covered by the pain medicine that I am supposed to be to be taking. I end up getting sick before it ever kicks in. I know that its a battle that I am in fighting everyday for my life but its getting where I cant go a single day without having this pain stop me in my tracks and take me out of the world of normal everyday and puts me into the world of taking 3-4 steps at a time while running to a seat so I can have relief for my leg. I go to the doctor on Wed. to have an x-ray to see what is going on. I will go take it before my appt and I will find out what is wrong this time. I am tired of crying I know that much....but my strength remains!

IN YOUR FACE CANCER

2010-06-15T00:29:00.001-05:00

I would like to say in your face cancer. Today I turned 33 and I was never supposed to turn 30 according to the first doctor I talked to after I was diagnosed. SO IN YOUR FACE CANCER!
Renee B.

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH

2010-06-14T00:10:00.002-05:00

I have a message to my fellow women out there. First of all I want you to know you are beautiful. You deserve every bit of love you give out. I know just like me, we all do our best and that is all that we know to do.
One thing that is hard for us at times is to ask for help. We do everything for everyone but never ourselves. We take care of every person, we do deeds for others all the time but never see that we need to take care of ourselves. Women sacrifice way too much and for way to long. It time that we start thinking about ourselves again. In a good way, too.
It seems that no one notices the mom that is overworked, or the woman that has gone without so her kids can have. Why is that? I think that we are so used to seeing that type of thing that we treat it like its nothing. Its not fair for us to have to get used to. Its the truth. Most of us do it for so long we don't even realize it anymore.
I am trying to speak for moms, wives, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, and any other women that doesn't put herself first at least one weekend a month, one day a week, or at least an hour a day. I want you to remember yourself and start a trend of teaching the little women of the family to take care of themselves as a part of the family not killing yourself taking care of your family. We do it because we saw our mothers and grandmothers doing it so we did it too. Its time to break the cycle. Then there will be no chance for later stages of cancer not being caught early. They will have taken the steps the care for themselves early enough to know themselves and everything they should be doing to take care of theirselves their whole lives.
Renee B.

Support for Family

2010-06-08T00:34:00.011-05:00

So much feels out of control when one is diagnosed with cancer. For me, it was that major worst case scenario. The worst diagnosis one could possibly get, I got. The bad news has just been coming steady every since. I know that I would hope to help others know what to do when their loved ones get diagnosed since I have lived through it for 3 years so far.

I know that what I had was a major sense of spinning out of control. The first thing I can remember is that I had to give up working. Unlike others I actually enjoyed working and earning a living. I worked doing something I loved. I remember the first person that suggested that I file for disability. I actually got mad. I screamed at them that I was NOT disabled. I associated that term with someone that is completely unable to do anything at all. I don't know how else I thought of it other than that I didn't think it applied to me. I then thought about the previous months that I had been working. The misery that I experienced just getting up and going to work was horrible. It was very hard for me to leave working. I loved my work. It was funny because of the amount of pillows and things like that I ended up bringing home at the end because I was trying to make myself comfortable.

I ended up getting approved faster than most have seen because of how detailed I made my disability report. Some of the people I have spoken with can not believe that I was approved so quickly because some have been waiting years. Although I did get approved quickly because of the nature of my claim, and the fact that it was expedited through. I did have to wait for the processing and the payments to start. So it was 6-8 months for that to happen after I got approved.

I cant tell you the adversity Chris and I went through during that time. That was probably the worst because we struggled more than we ever have, even when we were young. The family would hold garage sales and things like that but it only went so far. I have had some of my family come through for me as well. Whether it be Aunt Judy that is there for me in every way, or my mom and sister who come and take me to every appointment so I don't have to be alone, or Aunt Carol bringing me lunch once or twice, or others that would donate to me in other ways such as gift cards or prayers of some kind. Aunt Janet and Uncle Jorge, my grandma, and Aunt Mary Margaret have sent prayers of love and care my way and have been there for me. Even still, it is but a mere drop in the bucket to what I could be making if I was working. I know that. Chris and I have had to simplify life in many ways. To tell you the truth we have done it. When it comes down to it, we have had time thrown in our faces, we really just value being together. He handles stress like a steam engine because he has really been a great person and caregiver to me.

I think if you are faced with having to file for disability, the more detailed you can be the better. Remember that doctors are going to be reading what you write, and it has to make sense to them. Also helping getting things mailed off or faxed in will be a big deal. Your loved one will have enough stress just filling the thing out and going through major treatments or medicines or whatever, so helping them getting things off in the mail or whatever it is, that would be great for them as well.

Even though mine was an office job, the tumor I had caused major discomfort because of the placement on my spine. It fooled my chiropractor for months while he was treating me for sciatica, all the while I had Stage 4 Cancer. It was St 4 because by the time they caught it, it had spread already to my spine. S1 and S2 is where it started spreading to at first. No one can prepare a person for something like that. I also had a lump that you could feel in my left breast. When I was examined I was told that I was too young to have breast cancer and there was no real sense of urgency from them. I was only 29 years old.

A since of normalcy I would have given up anything for. On top of that I lost my brand new mustang GT for which I saved and saved up for. We finally put our money into the car we wanted and when prescriptions alone are thousands a month, I was unable to keep my brand new car. So again it was another thing for me that felt it was ripped from me. After that I just lost it. I didn't eat for 8 months straight all the while having terrible pain shooting down my legs and down my back. Nerve pain and the first radiation made me so sick in the beginning too. I couldn't cook, or clean. Taking care of my family was just another thing I couldn't do. It made me crazy because being a mother and having a family is what I have prided my life on and all the sudden I could not do any of it. On top of that all the people I loved the most seemed started fading from my life more and more. I didn't do anything wrong to have this diagnosis on me. I didn't know why the people I loved stopped coming around.

I know it could not have been easy for anyone around me. People were in such a shock that I got more and more disbelief than I did empathy or compassion. I know that on top of everything that I was prescribed the wrong medication in the beginning. I had severe withdrawing that made me miserable. It was every 8 hours that I would have cold sweats and shakes. It was a miserable thing to experience.

The only thing I can tell someone who has a close family member who is experiencing chaos like this is to provide as much of normal life as you can for them. Help them with their medicines and refills. Help them not have to worry about dinners or cleaning. Help the kids with their homework. Help getting to church. Normal everyday things. Reminding that person that they are a person!! It is most important. It is so important for you to make them feel like they are a fighter and they are not going anywhere. Make sure that they know you are there for them, even if it is just to hang out and do nothing. It makes a difference. We need to be able to talk things out. So much goes on in the medical world that it is difficult to keep up with all the choices one may have in their treatment plan. It may help for you to help them with research and information. Make sure that you do not throw it in their face. Let them look at it at their own pace and their own time. I know that I didn't want all this information clouding my head on "what if's"....

The last thing I can think to say is that you may offer help and be refused several times. Just know if the person tells you they don't need help, they definitely do. Sometimes its hard...and I can tell you first hand that I needed my loved ones so bad and I felt alone. I did not ask for help, I didn't think I needed to. I felt that my info was already pretty much out there for everyone to know about and I felt that if people couldn't figure that out then I could not help them. It should have been obvious.

You could not believe the horrors I have faced and the strength of my family. I don't know how we have pushed through for as long as we have. We only continue to grow closer and get stronger daily. We have also seen the caring that strangers can give. It brings a certain hope and love and knowledge that you are loved and prayed for by most people that don't know you and have never met you. They have only heard about you. I have been praised with such a strength and bravery by others who root for me from afar and care for me through someone else.

All I can do I go on being me. I try to take what I learn everyday and live. Just live!

Gardening

2010-06-06T19:37:00.005-05:00

Its been so hot! I have already had a preminition that this summer is going to be so very hot. I know that it is going to be. I have been gardening as well. I picked flowers that attract butterflies so I could have them flying around the yard. I also picked flowers that can last in the hotness. I know bees come around too but I have seen more butterflies than bees for sure.
I absolutely love the quiet time gardening can bring. Its pleasant. I have made sure that I have flowers all around my whole porch, around my trees, and along the side of the yard. I also discovered wild blueberries and raspberries growing in the backyard and along the fence in the front. It is so cool.

Happiness

2010-05-21T09:03:00.019-05:00

I have many happiness's in-between all these doctor visits. A major diagnosis like this brings so many heavy thoughts and feelings that I wasn't balanced out for a long time. I honestly believe that I am just now able to cope with what is going on. After all the thoughts and sadness and worrying, I felt it was important to stress the importance of spending time making yourself happy too.

It is so important to even yourself out with positive feelings. By evening yourself out, I am telling you that you should try to spend an equal amount of time doing things that make you happy. Being around the people that make you happy also helps. It makes all the difference.

For me, first of all, my niece that is just about a year old now, is the light of my life. Ever since she was born I noticed that she had this life energy that was more than enough for her. There was always plenty of energy left over for me. I felt so much better every time I saw her. I would notice that when I spend time with her, I would leave feeling such joy and happiness. I just know that she and I share a very special connection that is undeniable. I know that she is so smart just by our interactions. She is a great joy in my life.

I have to say my husband and my kids are such a big part of my happinessas well. We love to hang out together on weekends and to go to our favorite places. I love taking the kids out to get a reward for their hard work being straight A students. They really try hard to do well and we really try hard to work with them for their futures. It is important for me to also teach them to be kind to others. My little one tells me every week about a situation that happened at school and how she handled it. This girl is 9. I tell her not to make things so complicated. I tell her to just try to have fun and not be so serious all the time. There is plenty of time to be serious. I always try to have them remember to lead their thoughts with integrity.

My dogs also make me very happy. I know that they are loyal to me. I know that they dont have any place they would rather be. Dogs bring a fun that no other being can do. There is a mind-melding that happens there because that is the only way they can communicate. I really believe that you can look in a dogs eyes and hear what they want if you just listen to them. You hear it if you have love in your heart for them.

I have not even touched on all the ways that one can find happy times. I hope to share more ideas with you on ways that I find to make me happy.

Tuesday May 12th-ONC VISIT

2010-05-20T02:07:00.008-05:00

Tuesday morning got up very early. The appointment was at 7:30am in the morning. My mom took me up to the hospital, but ended up dropping me off because she had to go to work. Not to long after that my sister was coming to pick me up after and take me home. She was going to try to make it in time to go in the doctor office with me but I told her to be safe, if she made it she made it.
So I was going to my visit with my normal oncologist. I was going be go alone for the first time in a long time. Especially when it came to going to hear news from a scan or something like that. 99% of the time, I do feel great and don't expect to hear anything bad at all. Regardless, Chris and my mom and my sister do not let me hear news alone ever. Good, bad, or regular news it all works out to be stressful just the same. They know that I am left to think about everything after the doctor visit. I do stay positive and brave.
I got out of the car and went in the hospital. I ended up being seen even earlier than they thought so I did end up going in by myself.
I first had to get labs done which consists of them drawing blood. And if you remember I didn't have a great time getting an IV the day before that. I had bruises from the day before. I went into the room and showed the lady my arm. She saw my port and asked me if I was having chemo that day. I said no I am having chemo tomorrow. So she decided to draw blood from my hand since I had bruises on my upper arm and not from my port since I wasn't having chemo that day.
I saw a doctor that I haven't seen before come in and visit with me. He looked at my scans before he came in and told me that they saw 3 new places that the cancer has spread to. Possibly. There was a spot on my liver, a spot on my sternum and there was some sort of spotting on my left chest area where I had my radiation. He examined me and he could not feel any sort of tumor on my chest area where the new spot was supposed to be. As for the spotting on the liver, lots of people have liver spots. Normal people have spots like that and nine times out of 10 they don't know it. They are normal and harmless. He also said that the spotting also might still be from my radiation healing. He said that they would be doing another scan in 3 months to check again and they would use this scan as a baseline. I said OK and he left and I waited for my doctor to come in.
I didn't wait to long and my doctor came in. She gave me a big hug as usual. She asked me if I had any questions about what the other doctor had said. I told her no. She was explaining that I hadn't had that type of scan in a year. I felt good about that. If its been a whole year and that is all that is coming up then I am great. I told her that I feel great. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing to feel good and that we would go from there.
I knew I would be there the next day for pain management and my chemo, so I got out of there as fast as I could. I called my sister and she picked me up and took me home.
I was so tired, I crashed out the for a couple of hours until my daughter got home from school. I tell her like I always do that I had a good doctors appointment, and she tells me like she always does, I know mom... and we go on our day.
I love my family...I would not be able to go on without them....

Monday May 11- The Scans

2010-05-16T19:33:00.005-05:00

I had my appointments at the beginning of last week. I saw all my doctors. Monday was full of scans. I was injected with radioactive dye. I was also made to drink that drink that makes the cancer inside me glow. It wasn't all that bad really. The worst part of this day was that the nurse who made the IV in my arm missed my veins in 2 separate places. It was tough to sit there. She was digging around and everything. After she couldn't find a vein, she went a little lower on the same arm and then she did it again! She then told me that it was a good stick when clearly it wasn't. It started to get red and puffy around the needle location. So I decided to let her go on with the next patient and let the other nurse come back and tell her. When the other nurse came back I told her that it wasn't good and it hurt. She looked at me a little weird. She then took my arm and tried to flush the IV. There was no return. She kindly removed that needle from my arm. I got immediate relief. I sat through all that. I guess I could have gotten mad because she had to make sure. I also didn't get offended because I know she deals with tons of people and she had to make sure, she was just doing her job. I did however look at the other nurse who knew English well enough to understand me when I yelled NO GOOD at her pointing down at my arm. The thought of having radioactive dye in my veins not going anywhere wasn't exactly a great thought. It would have almost defeated the whole purpose of the scans. So I sat there while my arm was pokeed yet a third time with the thick IV needle and gets return this time.
The other thing is I am only allowed to let the nurses take my blood pressure and take blood poke into my right arm. Since they removed my left armpit and 15 lymph nodes it does not allow them to take accurate readings. Wouldnt you know my entire life I have always used my left arm for things like that. My best vein was on the left side of course. I now have to either get poked with my port, or the right side.
Luckily other than having to wait a little while when I got to the room where the scans where and got on the machine it was painless. The radioactive shot feels a little weird. When they shoot it in your arm, it feels warm and you can feel it going throughout your whole body. It goes up into your head, around and down one leg and up the other. Then they put you in the machine and then you hear the machine tell you to breathe, Hold your breath. Then release. Your lungs need to be full of air when they take the shots.
I got to go back to change and go to the waiting room where Lisa and my baby niece was waiting for me. She is about a year old. I love being with my sister and my niece. Anyway, my sister was nice enough to take me because everyone else was working. With my leg the way it is, my husband and mom don't want me going anywhere alone.
That was mostly it for that day... on to Tuesday

I Made the Call

2010-05-07T20:16:00.002-05:00

After much suffering and trying to just make it to my scans, I made the call. I left a message and let them know that I was in severe pain. I could only get up for a few minutes at a time and I have to time my meds just right and take them right before I attempt to do anything. Anyway,
She called me back the next day, as is standard to do, and told me that my doctor moved my scans up a whole month. So Mon, Tues, Wed, of next week I get to do all my appointments including my Zomeda on Wed. Zomeda is technically chemo but it is not degenerative, its regenerative. The intention is to feed my bones. I get treatments that women with osteoporosis get. Whatever works you know.
Anyway,
This is why I said that I would enjoy my good news while I can because on Tues. (scans being Monday) I will get to find out if the cancer had spread to any new places, if its in my lungs or liver, and if its now in my left femur bone and what the plan will be for it. I already know that if it doesn't regenerate fast enough I will need the steel rod. It is the same surgery that anyone who breaks or has a fracture in that bone needs.
With all this in mind, I brace myself and I don't have a point of view. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I numb myself and sort of rise out of my body when she talks. I act like its not me. Whatever trick I can pull that day to help me through the appointment is OK with me. I finally realized why I was having panic attacks before my appointments. I mean bad. I never knew what a panic attack was before that. I finally realized that every time I have been to the doctor over the past 2 years I have gotten bad news. I have to deal with something else then something else then something else. Just when I think I have heard it all, it cant get any worse the bottom drops out. And this had been every 2 weeks for 24 months. I am surprised I haven't cracked before. On top of the meds, on top of trying to run the house, on top of keeping up with financing, and also trying to be a mother and a wife who can walk, hasn't been able to cook, and on and on... I know I am hard on myself. I am still coping with it all but I do the best I can. I will never let it keep me down I know that. I don't care if I can only stand for a minute or two at a time right now, I will be up doing what I need to do. When my body tells me enough for right now, I listen. Its the best I can do now.
I wanted to share that at least I go for scans Monday, see my doctor Tues for the results, and go for pain management and my treatment on Wed. I don't need to pep myself up for this one, and I do not have any panic feelings right now. I am taking care of business. All I ask is for them to give it to me straight. They all know that if I find out I need surgery I tell them to schedule the first day available from that moment. Why drag it out is my feelings. Lets do it and I will be back home faster, and healing faster. I have the healing down to an art...lol.. I always hear, "Well Renee, you sure are looking good"... now I hear it 2 ways. I hear it one way as wow, you look good for all you have been through, and you look bad ass for what you just went through and your already up and walking around. You are a miracle.
The other way I hear it is, wow you sure are looking good, like a smart ass, like I make a big deal over nothing because look at me, I am already walking and getting around. Now here is where I choose to take the higher road over dopes that have no intelligence.
I know that when they tell me that I will be walking around with a walker for a month, and I scrap that sucker in 2-3 days and start walking on my own, after a major surgery that I am a bad ass chick. All I think is they would never be able to do what I do. And I am the one who is "supposed" to be "sick"..

More as I get it,

Peace and love,
Renee

Facebook

2010-05-07T20:13:00.003-05:00

So I just realized that the privacy setting on my Facebook was not allowing anyone to add me or even find my page for that matter. I had it locked down...LOL.... anyway.... I just got into the right page and found the correct button to uncheck on the privacy settings and BOOM there I am. Long story short, my shortcut to my facebook page now goes somewhere.

Toodles,
Rae

2010-05-06T18:40:00.002-05:00

So meet Sara. We had a group of kids that came to our door who asked us if this was our dog. I said no all at the same time I picked her up and fell in love. Mind you she was tiny because we have actually had her for about a month. We wanted to make sure no one was going to claim her.
Anyway, I told the kids if when they finish going around to the houses and still couldn't find her home to bring her back and I would care for her. They told me they had already been to every house on the block and the next. I said OK. In the meantime, we have been outside with her everyday 3-4 times and have tried to find an owner with no success. By now she is Silly Sara B. Now a part of the clan. Once you are in, you are in..lol...

2010-05-06T18:33:00.002-05:00

This is a picture of my haircut even though Chris says I am so used to putting my hair behind my ear that I did the same thing here. Its funny cause I looked and he was right. But you can get the idea of the cut and color.. which I love by the way. I have already been asked to model for my stylist on her next show. So thats pretty cool.. enjoy!!

2010-05-03T23:57:00.004-05:00

I have recently started having severe pain in my other leg. The same pain that I originally had in my right leg and its severe. It makes doing everyday things so hard.
It is the same situation when my right leg hurt like this. My femur bone in my right leg showed on the scans that the cancer had eaten almost halfway through my bone and could snap on worst case scenario. How scary is that? How painful is that? My option was the orthopedic surgery. My pain management doctor told me after the surgery that the doctors in there use the same tools as carpenters use to get that rod in there and in the right place. Google orthopedic surgery and see for yourself. They hammer and pry and chisel and whatever else they need to do. Trust me when I woke up I was in intensive care for 9 hours and I was never supposed to even be in there. It hurt so terribly that I cried the entire time, none of the pain meds worked, and I saw the staff change shifts before I got any comfort from the pain. They finally installed a pump that went off every 6 minutes. Luckily, I started climbing uphill very quickly after that. Once I was able to get my bearings, the rehabilitation and physical therapy department came to visit. They showed me how to climb stairs, and how to get into my house. Several things that I had to be careful of and get used to again. I was cleared from the physical therapy department but they ended up keeping me an extra night due to all the pain I experienced.
Anyway, I came home the next day and my right leg is doing great. I know the steel rod works because it supports me as I need. It has probably fused with my bone and I think is doing very well. The pain of it fusing is still there. I do still experience pain in my right leg but it is pain that I can take.
It feels like to me that my left leg is experiencing pain now and I wanted the scans done to see whats going on...good or bad..
So last weekend my mom and sister and I went on a celebration to Toni & Guy Salon to get our hair cut, styled, and colored as a celebration that we didn't have to shave our heads after all. No chemo, no bald heads. It was also time to donate our hair to Locks of Love anyways. So they worried about me being able to stand being at the beauty shop all day. I said this is a celebration and there is nothing that can keep me from getting my summer cut. My view is if I just stay here and sit here in pain then that wont be good. I at least can get my hair cut like a normal person, and if the pain got unbearable I would have stepped out. Most of the time it is so intense that it does bring me to tears. Although I have been able to do breathing exercises and do the best I can to calm down until it subsides. I loaded up on pain pills this day for sure...lol
So the next thing is they will scan me and tell me how much of my femur bone that the cancer has eaten and if I will need the surgery that I had on my right leg, I am guessing that is in my future for my left leg as well.
I was trying to cut down on all the pills I have to take, I was going to make it where I didn't need anymore pain pills. The pain pills make it subside, its in the background just for long enough to do little things here and there. I often times must listen to my body and go sit down. It doesn't matter if I am done or not done doing my tasks. A chore is never more important than your health and being in pain. I am so stubborn at times and I say, I am not going to let it keep me down. If I don't grin and bear it then in a sense I feel its winning. I often push through and take those few more steps whether I have to cry to do it I will. I am not going to sit by and let my bones just be eaten alive and not try to strengthen them or do what I can to make my muscles stronger.
I know I wouldn't even be able to get up at all if I didn't have those pills to help me get up. And I hate pills. I have gotten so good at it I can take 10-20 pills at a time. I know my next oncology appt is coming up and I have been trying to make it until then. I try to tolerate everything. I know I can only do that for so long, I must get this leg scanned. I know that is what I need. I will let you know what they say....

2010-04-22T00:03:00.007-05:00

I went to my doctor visit last week. I ended up thinking I wasn't going to get to see my doctor but I did. I was glad I did. Let me tell you why.
I was first seen by a guy who I thought was my new doctor who ended up being the chemo doctor. He for some reason thought I refused chemo. I told him that I have no other choice right? What kind of question was that I thought...I asked him how long I would need this chemo and he said until it stops working. Now I don't know what kind of answer that is but I said....Okay.... and at that time he told me that he was going to get the paperwork for the permission to go forward and he would be back.
When I saw my doctor come in after that I was so happy to see her. I jumped up and gave her a hug and she was there with open arms. Its a nice relationship I have with her so far. She said to sit down she had something to ask me. She told me that she didn't think I needed chemo right now for these reasons:
She said that they removed the lump and what remains is in my bones and it should be the slowest growing kind. It should be slow growing enough that I shouldn't need chemo. Basically that no other places in my body are affected so we should go with it until I feel worse or until I tell her I feel it somewhere else. Trust me, I feel it, where it is... Every place it is inside my bones I can feel it. But it isn't in my lungs or liver. That is a great thing to be able to say. I need to be able to say I am very happy about that.
I will continue to get scans every 3-6 months and until I feel bad or tell her that I feel it somewhere else she wont need to scan me until the scheduled times.
She even said if it was her she would decided not to have chemo. It is up to me if I wanted it now then I could have it. I don't though. Who would?
So for now it that is where I stand. I couldn't be happier. My mom and sister couldn't be happier as we were all fixing to shave our heads to donate our hair. Now we are all going to get it cut and styled... and couldn't be more excited about it.
I will take what I can get and not complain about it. I will take the happy times and enjoy every minute of it. I just got the paperwork for my scan and I go June 2 to get scans that basically will show if I have any spots on my liver or lungs. I keep the prayers going and I keep strong in mind, body, and soul. I know that I was just given great news and trust me, when dealing with this there is no good news....ever. Like I said, we ask no questions, and we enjoy the little things. Its so much more special to slow down and smell the flowers. In my case I was forced to.
Love and Prayers,
Renee B.

2010-04-10T00:56:00.002-05:00

I am coming up on yet another doctor that is going to take over my care. The one I truly like is the highest on the totem pole but at times I do speak with other doctors. I am studied more than you can imagine. I am such a rare case that they read everything there is on me. Study me. I used to feel like a science experiment. You begin to feel somewhat like that and its makes you paranoid whether you are getting the care you need or are they just interested in getting the numbers. I have felt like that before. I changed. Needless to say I asked if she knows anyone that specializes in Advanced care. We will see. I have had good and bad when it comes to my health care. I can say that my surgeons have been excellent. If I would have had to pick, I would have picked to have the more experienced surgeon. The one who did my hysterectomy was the most experienced in the area at the laprascopic(sp?) type of surgery. I have had to deal with so many different sides of this. It had been enough to drive any individual crazy. I will write more, like the methadone that I was put on for pain, and the constant withdrawl that I experienced, or the meds that switch and make me sick on almost every meal, or the bones in my body that contain disease and are being eaten away. This is what the chemo is coming in for. I will be assigned a chemo doctor on top of the new oncologist and so its going to be a bunch of new faces. I have faith that I am being sent the people I need to take care of me. For the longest I was only sent people who had the same name of people in my immediate family. I know that wasn't a coincidence. I have faith. Its one thing I keep close, and my ability to heal quickly from things.. I sleep. I sleep. Fingers crossed.. moving steadily forward.
RB

Connections

2010-04-07T17:46:00.002-05:00

I have recently been made aware of more and more people that I can connect with for a support system. I am aware that talking with others who are in your situation is a good thing. Sometimes it is very difficult to find others. I have had a very hard time finding other stage 4 women out there. Even Stage 3.
When I felt I had those few people who really cared for me as a support system it has made a difference. Its better to have people who genuinely care rather than the ones who don't really care and don't worry past their own lives. Its a kind of person we all know and are civil too. Just because someone is a certain way to you doesn't mean you should be that way back. What good does that do? Does it make you any better? Having toxic relationships keeps us from possibly connecting closer with another person or can effect us in ways we may not even realize. We must choose to be better. We must recognize the moments when that other person chooses to act ugly. I say ugly because that pretty much covers all the bad stuff. Envy, greed, anger, and so on. Ugliness. Choose not to be ugly. If you see yourself going down that path then recognize it. It means that some part of you is waking up in there and wants better for yourself. Follow your heart. That is your heart talking to you. It knows the answer to where your happiness comes from. Listen sometimes even if it is new.
Not doing so can hinder years of growth and loss of family, friends, and countless memories that you could have. also You cant force anyone. At least your are trying to mend. Neglecting ourselves is only ignoring your inner self and prolongs the pain. Just try listening.
We also need to understand that others may not be on the same level as we are. Others may not be on the same wavelength, level, mentally or spiritually that you are and they just cant understand where you are coming from. It is not within their brain power to understand. They haven't learned enough yet. That is where patience comes in. Maybe just maybe that person will come around sometime and it would have been worth your patience. And if not we smile and not try to kill ourselves over why someone else acts a certain way. Its not worth the time you waste. Once you yourself come around on your own lessons and realizes what time you have wasted on certain things then it will help you know how much you have learned and recognize the times when you choose to be better, and nicer, and more understanding.

Chill today,
Renee

Learning Process

2010-04-02T22:45:00.002-05:00

There is no doubt that I am learning a lot. From medical, to spiritual, to holistic, to internal, to family dynamics, to everything else under the sun and then more things you never even thought of. I take it all in stride. I am about to hear about my chemo. I say that I am ready with all the force I can. In the back of my mind I am scared though. I know I am strong, but I also know that somewhere in there I am scared the wimp in me will show up and not be able to handle what is going on. I get overwhelmed when I think of that situation too much. I end up taking it day by day. I got the bill for my radiation. Its over 50K. And with a healthy bill of 2-3K a month for medicine, we are having a fine time keeping everything going and staying with our heads above water. I haven't even done chemo yet remember...lol.. Its nothing to me. I know the value of me being on this earth with my kids and whatever it takes is what is going to be done. I am not scared when I put it in those terms or think of it on that level. I have no plans to leave my kids and my husband behind when they need me. There is no question where I am supposed to be. I love life right now and I plan to enjoy these beautiful days that we have been so kindly given. Love. Live. Learn!

Destiny

2010-03-24T01:41:00.002-05:00

I have wondered if destiny plays a role in my life. I know that I have been through a lot and learned a lot of lessons, I haven't exactly been able to share my story with the masses or help women out there listen and go to the doctor. It makes me very fond of the celebrity out there and when they choose to speak up and say something to the women out there. Most recent example Shannon Tweed and Gene Simmons. She felt and lump and went immediately. I applaud her so much. Gene ended up on George Lopez show, or at least that where I saw him, and he said to all the women out there to go get checked and how important early detection is. It saves lives. It brought a tear to my eye. I hate to see any women going through that, but she was able to use it to speak up and hopefully save women out there because of her story. Its almost like destiny. Things that happen for a reason, or what leads you to become great in your own life. Greater than you ever thought in your own mind. That also shows that what the Lord has in store for us is much more than we ever could dream up for ourselves. Good or bad. I guess it works both ways. I am a huge believer in thoughts are things, and good thoughts bring other good thoughts and bad thoughts repeated can manifest. I don't like being around negative people. And I know I am guilty of it at times, too, much less lately you better believe. I practice positive. I love being positive. I know positive multiplies into happiness possibly for thousands which could start with a smile, who knows. My point is be nice, be positive, smile, and maybe we can be positive enough to help our kind have a great destiny together.

Radiation Complete

2010-03-17T16:13:00.005-05:00

I have completed my radiation as of the beginning of this month. The burn that I had to endure up until he last treatment is just now healing and starting to fade away. That was one of the hardest things to do was knowing I was burned, dealing with it, and still going to get more burned every single day. It turns into alot of scabbing and redness that makes it very difficult to wear clothes and even take a shower. A good thing was I met some very neat women while I was there. Everyone from the radiation technicians, my doctor, my nurse, and the other women in there with me. Lots of them have doctor horror stories just like I do.
I spent the first part of my treatments not talking to anyone really. It was one of the other women that was working on herself that day who decided that she would say hi to everyone in the office. And it was that hello that sparked a conversation between the females who were in the room with me. We all had horror stories when it came to these doctors out here practicing medicine. Its scary. I do think there are doctors out there that are very knowing and can help. I also think there are doctors out there who have no business out there. The sad thing is we have to be there guinea pigs.
I did have a major family event happening right at the end of when my treatments were supposed to be done. My niece was turning 15 and having her quincenera. It was going to be in Nashville. It was going to be 3 days after my last treatment.
So here I am not 2 days out of my treatments, burned, tired, and pepping myself up to drive 800 miles to see my babygirl turn 15. My son was going to be standing up with her and escorting her down the aisle in the church and into the quince itself. All in all I toughed it out. My husband and his mom ended up doing all the driving. We watched movies and layed in our pillows otherwise. On the way up there I fell asleep in Texas and woke up in Tennessee...lol.. So I skipped Arkansas altogether.
I enjoyed it so much. We ended up renting an Excursion so it was a very roomy ride. Chris's mother went with us. It was very enjoyable.
We had to best time. We enjoyed seeing the kids Godparents, who are also Chris's twin sister and her husband. We went down to downtown Nashville and had a blast down there. We only had 3 days to do all of this and also try to visit also. The only thing we didn't have time to do was get in Jason's hot tub. We will next time. We hope to go for at least a week next time. Seeing my nieces and nephew was the best. My treatments ended up being over 3 days before we had to leave. One thing is I refused to schedule any of my chemo treatments until I came back. So now that is what I am waiting to do.
In all the pictures they are of us having a blast, dancing, doing the YMCA, the Hustle, the new shuffle dances they have out, and so much more. And all that time you would never know that I am so burned that I almost had to have Chris take me back right in the middle. I pushed through though.
The next part of my life is the part where I am officially going to do chemo now. Its the most hardcore chemo that there is. I am keeping my head up and knowing that I am finally going to kill this foreign crap that is in my body. Before it changed, I was going to have to take a pill and just maintain it my whole life. I know it wasn't my choice but I didn't want to maintain this crap my whole life, I want it gone, out, no mas, no more, no more.
I cant tell you the amounts of learning that I have done. I am so much smarter now. Spiritually I grow every day. I know where to draw my strength from. When I started all this, I drew my strength from the people around me. I put all my energy into a bunch of people who ended up being disrespectful and basically didn't show they cared about me at all. Basically I feel that all those people abandoned me when the going got tough. So I had to learn a whole new way of coping, of dealing with stuff that I used to get guidance for all alone. I never thought I could get stronger. I never thought I would be able to be weak at any point in my life. I have been in weak places when my loved ones tell me that I am stronger than them. It makes me think. It brings me back. My oncologist tells me that I am stronger than she is. That's major.
So its me, doing what I have to do. Being where I have to be. Hoping where hope needs to be. I have never had all this emotion packed into so little time. Its been a great deal to have on my plate. In such a short time. I also say that there are still people out there that deal with much more than I am dealing with right now as well. I try to keep an even mindset when it comes to thinking about what I have been through and who has been there and how I am going to come out of this even stronger than I ever thought.
My hopes for the future are easy. No more pain. The pain I have endured I would have never thought in a million years. I certainly take nothing for granted. If I can get out there on a beautiful day and enjoy it, you better believe that I will be the one getting the most out of it.
All my best,
RB

Deep Thoughts

2010-02-18T10:41:00.004-06:00

I often wonder if any of the feelings I had before I was diagnosed had any effect on me enough to spark some of the self destruction I experienced. I had a great life. I have a great life now. It was the transistion inbetween and accepting and realizations. I was doing what my plan dictated. My goals were being reached. I had it all. All is a big word. Having it all means a different thing to all of us. Having it all for me used to be really simple. Having my family, my home, and the tools we need for everyday was enough for me at the moment. Like I said, I was in control. I had the car I wanted, the job I wanted, the money I wanted, the friends and family I wanted, the respect I wanted, and I lost it all in a matter of days.
During all that, I was carrying around so much. I tried to please everyone around me. I had best friends, who I thought were best friends, who I tried to please by just doing everything they wanted and agreeing all the time to what they wanted. I was a pleaser. I think a little to much. I just wanted to be liked and cared about. I try to be helpful to a fault. I think that was part of my downfall with these relationships. I tried to make them proud of me and they thought I was showing off. Those typed of responses aren't friends. And if any of that sounds familiar, family or not, the relationship is about to fall through. Sorry to say, unless you are able to talk about it, both of you, then it wont get any better. Dont be surprised when you think you are soooo close with someone or a couple and when you want to talk it out they dont even want to talk or end up being ugly to you like they never even cared to begin with. That can be more hurtful to but again, all part of the game from posers who act like friends. All they are here to do really is hurt, and be dark. No more dark for me, I only tie myself into the light, I am the light, I breathe it in, and let it absorb all around me. The brightest whitest light you can imagine. Thats what kills the hate. Light. Love. Life.
I now know that by thinking I was so in control, I wasnt in control of anything at all. It was stripped in seconds, so what was I really in control of. I know that if I kept up with how I was going then it was either the career or plan my funeral. I had to slow down and take care of myself, something of which I have never done. Not that I neglected myself, I just never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
I am very knowing of my own mind inside myself and I know that I am aware that I don't have to care about any of this, about anyone, about what ever else goes on with anyone else but myself. I am just not that way. I know I have it within me to care about other people even when I am going through a lot right now. Its not hard to know that I have heart. I care. I am more careful now about who I shower the love and care on. Some people don't like that or want it. They don't feel a family connection with anyone. They are the old hags of the family. Its all good, its takes all kinds you know. Its just another thing I have learned. And hey remember that most of the time family doesn't even act like family. Friends and strangers acts more decent to you sometimes than your brother or sister even. So don't let your troubled relationships get you down. You can only try so hard and compromise so much. Its a hard lesson to learn and can take a lot of tears. It takes even turning away from a brother or sister at times to get the respect you know you give and deserve. No one said it was easy. Take it from me, its not easy at all. Its hard as hell. The other end of the rainbow is worth all the hard work it takes to have real relationships now days. Not fake. Not posers. Not haters. Real people. Genuine people. That is what I am after, that is what I look for now. Loyalty and quality. Great words of the day.

RB

SO HARD

2010-02-18T08:45:00.001-06:00

They can say whatever
I'ma do whatever
No pain is forever
Yup, you know this

Tougher than a lion
Ain't no need in tryin'
I live where the sky ends
Yup, you know this

Never lyin', truth teller
That Rihanna reign, just won't let up
All black on, blacked out shades
Blacked out Maybach

I'ma rock this shit like fashion, as in
goin' til they say stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bitch in heels right here

No fear, and while you getting your cry on
I'm getting my fly on
Sincere, I see you aiming at my pedastal
I betta let ya' know

That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

All up on it
Know you wanna clone it
Aint like me
That chick to boney
Ride this beat, beat, beat like a pony
Meet me at the top (top, top)
Gettin' lonely

Who think they test me now
Run through your town
I shut it down
Brilliant, resilient
Fan mail from 27 million

And I want it all
It's gonna take more than that
Hope that ain't all you got

I need it all
The money, the fame, the cars, the clothes

I can't just let you run up on me like that (all on me like that)
Yeah
I see you aiming at my pedastal
So I think I gotta let ya' know

That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Go hard or go home
Back to your residence
Soon the red dogs will give the block back to the presidents
I used to run my own block like Obama did
You ain't gotta believe me, go ask my momma then

You couldn't even come in my room
it smelled like a kilo
Looked like me and two of my boys playing casino
Trying to sell they peeping my bag they can't afford it
Tell 'em to give me back my swag
They tryin' to clone me

See my Louis tux, Louis flag, Louis frames, Louis belt
What that make me
Louis mane?

I'm in an all white party wearin' all black
With my new black watch call it the heart attack
Cardiac arrest, cardiac a wrist
Yeah, they say they're hard
They ain't hard as this

Hard!

The one word describes me
If I wasn't doin' this
You know where I be, too hard

Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where they at, where they at, where they at?

Where dem bloggers at
Where dem bloggers at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?

Where your lighters at
Where your lighters at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Over Halfway Done

2010-02-08T15:44:00.004-06:00

My treatments are going well!!!!!!! I am knocking it out like nothing else. We have it down to an art. That's the way we (my mom and I) feel by now.
I am now getting a little red around my treatment area. It gets dry and itchy and all I need is a good lotion to put on and it feels much better. Besides the everyday that we have to do, and the turning down of all the other stuff we could be doing, everything is going as it should with my treatments. I'm not going to act like its not for a good reason. We are doing what we have to do. I am doing the dam thing and like I said in my title, I am kicking ass.
I am amazingly happy too. I don't have time for boo hoo times and any bull. I truly enjoy every day. It's worth the time it takes to weed out all the posers and/or haters to keep the ones that lift you up, that take care of you, and that have love in their hearts. Simple as that.
Life is really not complicated. It all boils down to having spirit. I don't play manipulation. And great thing is, I can spot it a mile away. I sit back and watch people sometimes. When I predict a certain person and a certain action and they prove me right every time. If you wanted to be close with this person, and all they do is treat you badly then it does suck. Sadly when these posers and/or haters think they got away with something, all they did was out themselves as a poser and/or hater. To sit back and watch as others don't get the lessons of life that you do can be sad. Mostly sad because they can be older, or they can make more money, or they can have a bigger home than you, drive a better car...and the list can go on and on. That goes to show you it does not matter who you are, we are all here to learn the lessons of life. If you let those lessons pass you by then you are on the devils playground. You are not in the Lord's temple. If you were then these thoughts wouldn't even come to your mind. Love is all that dwells in the Lord's eyes and heart. All you can do is leave them behind as you grow as a person and a friend and family member. It doesn't mean that you don't see them anymore or cut them off from your life, it means that now you know who your associates are and who your friends and family are. And trust me, sometimes you are in the dark about who is who. When all the dust settles, you will see who remains.
The better you take care of your own heart and mind, the better you can be there for yourself or your loved ones. You try to give good advice and not advice that is from an ugly place. Some people cant separate themselves from the situation and see others points of view. That is one thing I have really worked on. I am proud of how far I have come, even if it has been a tough day every once in a while. I also believe the more you have been through the more the good times mean to you. The more I try as a person to be there for everyone around me, the better I feel. It hadn't been as much as I would have liked over the past three years, but hey, check the history, I have been kinda busy.
I look forward to making up for times lost, and I definitely look forward to the good times not yet upon us. Its a great life. Breathe deep while you enjoy every moment!
Some of my family don't believe in posting your business online. That is not what I am trying to do here. I am trying to save lives. I have had many women find lumps because I asked them to be diligent with self exams. I have had many women look at my story and go get checked out. That makes me feel so good. I know that I have suffered alot over the years, but I also know its not as much as others have to go through. There is a 6 year old boy with a brain tumor getting treatments the same time I do. Do you know how hard that is to watch? If I see the child you better believe he will not see the tears for him, he will see the joy I have for his fight, for his resolve. I go back to the nerdy saying of... If I could help one person its worth it. It is worth it all. And then some.
Love. Live. Laugh.
R.B.

Thought for the day

2010-01-21T01:22:00.002-06:00

I decided to be a force this year. A force to be reckoned with. I am going to have my energy up so much. Thats how I do it. I mostly use energy off the people around me. I know people around me are positive and they are having good energy. I know that I can feed off of that to make my mood great and positive and that I can do what I need to do because my people are there to support me. It makes all the difference. It really does.

RB <3

Kicking this Radiations Behind

2010-01-21T00:33:00.004-06:00

I have gone to several radiation treatments now. This is the third week going on the fourth. I am doing amazingly well. I do not burn. I do not blister. I do not even hardly get red. I do get very tired. I will sleep it off but I do not like to sleep for too long. I know my body is healing. I have to keep some happy medium of taking care of my family, doing what I can to contribute, or just resting. I know what my family will say. I know what my brain says too and it says get up. I try to accommodate everyone and rest but also do what I can here and there...Usually when no one is here so they cant see how much I really do. I know my son is a great wonder of my life. We have done so well with him. He has done so well with himself that he is a great asset to have for any task or chore that needed to be done. He can buckle down and get it done. I know my girl has the brains too. She has street smarts and brains, they both do. In my opinion that is what you need to live in this world. Take that and start getting experience and you are on your way.
I know that this is the longest number of treatments so far and I have found that it has been the easiest. Maybe because my mom comes along with the baby and Lisa and my girl gets to sit in a chair and do her homework. I know that by the time I come out of there hopefully her homework would be done. When we come home we get to all share our evenings together and decided what to have for dinner and what movie to watch. That has been my life over the part month and the next month until my treatments are done. I am hanging in there, pepping myself up to go, walk in smiling, once I am moving then it all moves into place. I know that having my family is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am glad they are there to pep me up when I need it most.

Today is OK

2009-12-21T14:40:00.002-06:00

Today has been an ok day for me. I got to spend some time this morning with Christopher. He still comes to lay in my bed when he wakes up and I just love it. I am a big fan of the things you do out of love and not even know it. Just being there together.
I had musical therapy today. I just have music that I love, that makes me feel good, and that I love to sing or dance to. I love music. I cant tell you how many times it has made me feel better. Some songs remind me who I am... that must be why I like them. And when I need gangter rap I listen to Tupac and Ice Cube... lol... really.. I do. Owell its all good. I love it all.
I dont have any other goals right now other than being happy. I want to feel happiness every day. I have been doing so much crying because of all of this. Not really just whaling but silently, alone, I have moments of weakness... of how or why. I am reminded of my faith at those times. If there is one thing my grandmother Caster has taught me is to have faith. She is my mentor, my role model. She has been through quite alot in her time too, and she has always made it through... I am reminded of that when I feel like giving up.
I am reminded every day who I am. I am forced to know every little thing that happens to me so I can report it to the doctors. I dont know if this is what they call living normally but it isnt to me. Its not easy to put your life on hold while everyone else's goes on around you. I just try to stay positive and like I said.. one day at a time. If it takes something easy like hearing from on old friend or a song to bring me out of my funk then that is where I am at now. I am trying to build up my strength, I think I am going to need it...

What Now?

2009-12-16T18:37:00.011-06:00

I know I have not posted in a while... I have had a lot on my mind. I dont want to write when I dont even know what to say. I have had many many times where I receive more bad news and I just pile it on top of everything else. I dont know how I am going to deal with it quite yet. Or I should say, this is how I will deal with it for now... day to day.
I got through my mastectomy surgery with flying colors. I got major kudos from all the surgeons there. I actually went home the next day. I got out of surgery and recovery from a modified radical mastectomy and the removal of my left auxilla (armpit) surgery and into a room by 8:30pm and by 2:00pm the next day I am home. I did that good. Now the bombshell...
The cancer I have has mutated yet again and it is not the same kind as the pathology showed the first time. When I had a biopsy at the beginning of all this, the cancer I had was hormone receptive. That basically means it feeds on estrogen. So I basically turned every bit of estrogen out of my body and at 31 years old, I was considered post menapausal. I had a complete hysterectomy because I was told that my body was actually feeding the cancer and I had to turn it off. On top of the surgery I also took a pill, that was considered as my chemo, and that is what I did to fight the cancer.
Here it is 3 years later, and the pathology that was done while I was in my mastectomy surgery now shows that the cancer is no longer hormone receptive. They dont know when or why but that cancer had actually changed. Again I am told that this is rare, and that I am a rare case. For once, I want the rarity to be on my side.
What now?
What now is all I have thought about since I found out this news. It makes me feel on some level that I have been doing nothing and letting this cancer eat me alive. There is no way I would have or could have known one way or another but now that I have the info I cant help but feel like I could be doing more. I have been told over and over all the sudden how rare my case is and how they are having to customize everything they do for me because their normal patient is a 60 year old woman. It makes me know even more that I am one of a kind, I am a living miracle. And I have been through the battle of my life. Well guess what, its just starting...
I am about to start 7 weeks of radiation. A total of 33 treatments of radiation. It will be appoximately double the dosage I recieved for my 2 radiation cycles. I then will start chemotherapy. The hard core kind. I dont know what or how many chemo treatments I will need yet. Thats the only doctor I havent seen as of yet. I saw 2 doctors today. The radiation doctor and the doctor that checked out my insicion from the surgery and from where the tubes were. I had a good visit when it came to that. Everything looked fine. I have to keep in mind that I will be reconstructed... its just going to be after the radiation. I have such heaviness when it comes to thinking about this. All the doctor told me to do what to make sure I eat and sleep. Those are my main goals right now. Especially with what I am about to go through. I know that I am going to make sure that at least I get rest and eat. Or drink in my case. My nutritionist has given me Ensure to help me when I dont eat. So I think all my bases are covered for right now.
I thought that this last surgery was the hardest thing I had to do. I now know that I have not even begun yet. The thing I have on my side is my abilily to bounce back and my strength will silently take me through this without me even having to do anything. So thats all I have for now. I guess you can see why I havent been able to formulate the words to write here today...

SMILE

2009-11-24T10:04:00.002-06:00

I cant tell you how nice it is to have friends that make you smile. I have had a ton of people come across my plate and in and out of my life. I love finding my friends from back in the day and having them remember me for me, how fun I am, how much of a good friend that I am to anyone that is a good friend to me. I have found several of my friends on facebook. I have to say that I love signing on to there and hooking up and talking to my friends. There is a lot of family that I have. My main crew is around me or talks to me all the time. Its the family that is busy but still checks in with you when they have a chance. Its the friends that are almost like best friends, that you don't get to talk to that much. Its those people that are so cool to find again. You never know what just saying hi will do for someone. I try to keep a smile on my face everyday. I had a great smile today from a great friend. Just be a friend to someone, and make them smile today. It will start a chain reaction. Who knows... try it. Be happy and make someone smile. You never know the effect that it may have....

Smile, smile, smile.
Renee B!

My Surgery

2009-11-20T01:54:00.002-06:00

I am going to update my blog over the next couple of days. I have been healing from this surgery of mine. I have plenty to catch you guys up on...and I am going to do it by the end of the weekend. Much love to everyone who checks in with me. Make sure you take care of your own self and get mammograms no matter what the news tells you this time...I know it can be confusing. So much information thrown at us all the time. Just pay attention to your body and what it is telling you. That's a great place to start at anyways.
Well more very soon, Love to all, Renee

Doctor Visit-OCT 09

2009-11-20T01:30:00.002-06:00

I had several doctor visits leading up to the surgery I just had. I had a modified radical mastectomy on my left breast on Nov 12th. It was the most most major thing I have done so far. And I have had some 3 major surgeries in the last year. I will have to have 6-8 weeks of radiation on my chest before I get reconstuction. The reconstruction can take up to a year from what I am told. I have all the best support and love around me that I have lifted my spirits and my outlook a thousand fold. Let me tell you about it...
I had a pain management appt., a pre-op appointment., a visit with the breast surgeons, and visits with my regular oncologists. They all ask you the same questions. They all can not believe that there is nothing else wrong with me, and that I have no history in my family. They can not believe that I have cancer at all much less Stage 4. The doctors couldnt believe how great I was doing, how great I looked, and how happy I was when I went in to see them. I couldnt have been better.
I know that there is major things going on in my life. I realized that I can pull myself through this. I have the best team, my husband, and my mother, and my sister Lisa. And I have to talk about my little niece.... She is my sunshine, and I use her lifeforce to fuel my healing. May sound funny but this baby is so full of life that she has plenty to give me. The energy of youth. Nothing could feel better..lol..
So I got the best compliments from every doctor that I saw. How great I looked. How good I was doing. How I was an inspiration and that I should write a book. I swear to you that the doctor told me this. She also said that I was stronger than she was and she sees my strength and my willingness to overcome this. It freaks me out a little to hear this from women that I look up to myself. I love hearing it..dont get me wrong. It is good to be validated from women that I respect and think the world of. And they think the world of me. Its a relationship that I wouldnt trade for the world.
I felt great going into this surgery. I was scared dont get me wrong. I was petrified. But I was ready to do this. I wanted this out of me. I wanted the head cut off so the rest can shrink away to nothing and that is exactly what I expect it to do. I dont have time for this anymore. I have so much to do.. so much going on around me that I will not give up. I want to be apart of it all. And I will be.
I love the family that has stuck around, the family that has gotten 100 times closer with me because we have experienced these hard times together. Its funny because I know for a fact that money doesnt make you happy or material items, or a big house. I have been side by side with billionaires. And its funny to see that they were unhappy with their personal lives. They had to hold up this front all the while they slept in separate rooms and did not have people that really cared around them. I have been shown alot in this life. Many life lessons that I have been very aware of. I am thankful for having all those experiences. I was shown the wealthy life. Not rich. Wealthy. I was shown that for a reason. I could step into that life tomorrow and know exactly what to do, who to call, where to be, and why we would be very charitable and remember where we came from. I have had millions of dollars pass me by.. and I know its meant to come back to me. It is coming back to me....Lol.. Anyway..
I am a very lucky person. I am dealing with a lot, but I have the right people caring for me that I draw from their strength and love. Its feels so great. I cant leave out Jesus Christ. He is my everything. I give it all up to him, and I am loyal always. My heart fills with joy when I think of Jesus, and my family. I am wealthy woman! I am appreciative and thankful always. I know what I am going to say on this Thanksgiving...LOL... Thats for sure!
<3,
Renee

Halloween

2009-10-29T00:51:00.001-05:00

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. Be Safe out there!!

Interesting Renewals

2009-10-29T00:35:00.003-05:00

I have just been drained over the last month. I guess we don't always know how we are going to feel at any time during the day or week. I try Lord knows to have a positive attitude, to work towards my goals, and try to make it day by day like everyone else.
I have meaning for many days to get together with my grandma. She had some items for me from Ohio when she went to visit her sister. She wanted to bring them to me. I have been wanting to see her for months and either I was doing radiation or she was out of town or something always got in the way. I finally got to have dinner with her tonight. My mom cooked something for us that my grandma cooked and my great-grandma (her mother) used to cook for dinner. She made chicken and dumplings and rice crispy chicken. It is so delicious. We were able to catch up and visit for the whole evening. I very much have tears of joy every time I see that woman. I have a fondness for her that is undeniable. I love her for every thing she knows, says, does, thinks, and is. She is amazing.
I never know the rejuvenation that you can get by seeing someone you love dearly like that. I felt so great leaving from my moms apartment. We walked out together and left. Its the most comforting feeling there is to have a loved one care for you and feel the feelings of being loved by someone. Its very neat. Its a feeling of my heart being full. Filling up I should say. I know when I feel depreciated and down, my heart does not feel full. I need the boost of a loved one to get my energy from and bring me back to bonding and connecting and caring so I can focus all those feeling into my healing. I know its needed and I feel great doing all those things.
I also know that her and my aunt Janet completely read my mind. This is why I know great minds thing alike. I have been talking about needing pajamas or light shirts after the surgery. What did my grandma have in her hand from Janet and her. Pajamas and booties and a very nice card from my grandmas sister Aunt M.Margaret. I love all my people with all the thoughtfulness they had for me and I appreciate the care.
Well I had to share the night of love and sharing and bonding between family. It was great.
One love,
ReneeB.

Tuesday Is here

2009-10-25T15:32:00.003-05:00

As I enjoy my weekend of drinking shots and having fun with friends, the thoughts of what about to occur lingers in the back of my mind. Chris and I don't really even drink any more so you know when there is 4 different kinds of shots on hand that we had some steam to blow off before the surgery.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I have wanted this day for a long to time. I have asked for it since 3 doctors ago. The response has always been that it's not necessary because it had already spread. They use mastectomy surgery as a preventive measure. So the cancer will not spread. Mine had already spread. So I have always gotten the answer that I didn't need to have the surgery. Now the doctor tells me she thinks that the cancer is going to break through the skin on my left breast. She says that I don't want that to happen, she doesn't want that happen, and I definitely don't want to be traumatized if something like that was to occur. This is the reason that the surgery is happening now and why it hasn't happened before now. Her examinations of me have lead her to believe that this is something to worry about so I am going to listen to her and have the surgery. I told them as I always do with every surgery to schedule it the first day possible.
I call yesterday morning because I didn't know if I had a pre-op appointment, and they tell me the surgery has been moved to November 9th. So I was just like WHAT, why wouldn't anyone call me and tell me that. I know they are busy but come on. I am glad I called.
I had a cry yesterday because its anticlimactic. I build my nerves up to be nerves of steel, then nothing happens. It so much pressure sometimes. I know I can handle it in the end, I know what I need to do deep down. Its a ride that I never thought I would ever be on that is for sure. I know deep down in my heart that I will have just as much reward as I have had heartache. I know that deep in my heart. It will be nothing but smiles very soon. And I know it is earned and definitely deserved. I cant wait to be at the finish line with all my family and friend crying tears of joy for a change. Tears of JOY!
Cheers,
Renee

Overcoming to Start Over

2009-10-21T13:07:00.004-05:00

I have been critical of myself during this whole experience because all the sudden I was faced with worst case scenario. I had to pull all my strength and knowledge together. I am still having to make life changing decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life. I have been able to handle a lot of things in my life. I mean a LOT. I know everyone has a story and I don't mean to sound like my story is better or worse than anyone, I am just saying I became very aware of myself when I needed me the most. It became my struggle to even show up for myself everyday. I have had many hard days and wondered why I have had to face things in this way or that way. I have had a real wake up call is what it all boils down too. What I am also realizing is I like the person I am becoming when I shed all the sorrow and show up for myself. I felt like I wasn't enough for even myself sometimes. I have been lost and found and lost and found. I go to a place where I am numb and I don't think about anything. We go on living like nothing is wrong. I just have to adjust to living with chronic pain and suffering. I have been able to do it quite well. I often am able to ignore pain. Its amazing what you can train yourself to do. I train myself so people don't even know I am in pain. I try to make it comfortable for everyone. I don't sit out in front of everyone and take my hand fulls of pills...lol.. this is my own private fight. I have realized that whatever I am meant for in this life, I have to be strong enough to show up for me. I don't need anyone else to root for me, I don't need anyone else to be there for me but me. Don't get me wrong, my team does keep me afloat so I can even have this mindset. I am able to be me because they are able to love me for being me. Its a great feeling when you can be genuine and you get genuine back. I love my family, and I love the people that are there for me. They say when you have been through so much you can't even bare going on, that when you do get the strength to take another step, you will be so glad you did. You are walking into the light, the best, most healing, most loving, most caring place that you could ever imagine. Its a major thing to shed the negative in your life. It is a great place on the other side, I am a witness to that. And I have to give credit to my faith. I have faith in my angels, my loving Lord, whom carries me everyday to the next. Only say the word, and I shall be healed... Amen!

RB

I am a Top Health Blogger

2009-10-17T17:26:00.004-05:00

I have permission to publish the letter from Dr. Rutledge and I couldnt have been happier to have been asked to do this. Its the reason I write this blog to begin with. I wouldnt have been able to work things out in my head without alot of thinking that I have had to do.
The letter read:

Hi Renee,

My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge, and I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, including over 2,700 of the Web's leading health bloggers! We carefully reviewed your blog, and based on the high quality of your writing, the frequency of your posts, and your passion for helping others, we think you would be a great addition to the Network. As a member of the HealthBlogger Network, you'll enjoy the greatly expanded reach and exposure to Wellsphere's more than 6 million monthly unique visitors, innovative special features and functionality for your blog, and an exclusive badge to recognize you as one of the Web's leading health bloggers. You'll also have the opportunity to share tips and advice about blogging with your fellow health-focused bloggers. Once you join, we'll begin promoting you and your blog as a great source of health knowledge and support, featuring you in rotation on our homepage (www.wellsphere.com), republishing your posts on Wellsphere, giving you special status on Wellsphere and linking back to your blog. THERE IS NO COST FOR YOU TO JOIN, and YOU RETAIN OWNERSHIP of the content that you allow Wellsphere to republish. To be clear, your content is yours, and you are free to do whatever you choose with it.

Let me tell you a bit about me and about Wellsphere. I'm a physician who has taught and practiced Internal and Emergency Medicine for over 25 years at Harvard and Stanford medical schools, and am passionate about helping people get the information and support they need to be healthier. I'm now the Chief Medical Information Officer at Wellsphere.com, where I manage the HealthBlogger Network. Wellsphere, the fastest-growing consumer health website, is revolutionizing the way people find and share health and healthy living information and support. We've recently merged with The HealthCentral Network, Inc. (www.healthcentral.com), and together we're now serving more than 10 million people a month!

I would like to invite you to join the HealthBlogger Network as a featured blogger in the Breast Cancer Community. Once you join the HealthBlogger Network, we will automatically republish the blog posts that you've already written and the ones you write in the future (so you don't have to re-post them yourself, and there's no extra work for you!). We will feature them not only on the community pages of the site, but also on numerous relevant WellPages, where we give users a comprehensive view of expert information, news, videos, local resources, and member postings on topics you write about. Each of your articles that are re-published on Wellsphere will include a link back to your blog, and your Wellsphere profile page will show your special status as a featured blogger on Wellsphere (and will include another link back to your blog). By connecting to the Wellsphere platform, you will greatly expand the audience for your postings, attract additional readers to your blog, and receive much deserved recognition for your efforts to improve peoples' lives.

You will also receive from us a special badge for your blog recognizing you as a Top Health Blogger, and gain access to features and functionality for your blog that we've created especially for members in the HealthBlogger Network, including a custom tailored Health Knowledge Finder search widget, a Wellevation widget that provides daily motivational tips for your members, and a Wellternatives widget that offers nutrition information and healthier suggestions at popular chain restaurants.

Congratulations on being selected to participate in the HealthBlogger Network! If you have any questions, please feel free to send me an email to Dr.Rutledge@wellsphere.com.

Good health,
Geoff

--
G.W. Rutledge MD, PhD
Chief Medical Information Officer
The HealthCentral Network, Inc.

Radiation Almost Done

2009-10-17T17:20:00.002-05:00

So I have a single treatment left to do. I had some time in there where I didn't think I was going to make it through. I had cold chills where I was hot and cold at the same time. Miserable being. I cried the whole way up there and the whole way in the door. Chris tells me to compose myself so I can get in and outta there quickly. They have 2 machines down that day so the people are piling up. I was so glad they called me first and I was outta there. One lady had been there 2 and a half hours already. I went to my moms after that. It was a day to celebrate. I just had a radiation treatment in between time. I then went after to the house to celebrate. It was really great. Monday is my last treatment. Then I have a whole body scan before I go in for my surgery. I was not supposed to have any scans done of any kind during my radiation. I was to have no extra radiation. Only what I was prescribed to be given. So, now its time for the majors. I have to pep myself up. Fired up, Ready to Go.

Valentine's Day Poem

2009-10-09T00:49:00.003-05:00

I ran across this the other day. Chris had it laminated at his job so we could keep it as a keepsake. Its a poem I wrote to him on Valentines Day 2008.

I have always been the one with a fight inside me
I am always the tough one, for everyone to see
You are the first and only one to get through
And really get to know me, And I got to know you
I grew up overnight, and so did you
I love you, it was meant to be; just us two
It took one night to make a son
Christopher is one of the best things weve ever done
People talking shit, every single day
Despite them, we've attained our goals anyway
Against all odds, we've pushed through
We are a family, thats what we are supposed to do
Our families always know better than we did, yours and mine
Never leaving us alone to make our own life divine
We lived and lived despite what they say
Without help, with great faith, we did it our way
Devastation strikes, we lose our pa
Christopher rememebers him, I made sure he saw
His Po-Po in all the months and days
Until "Larry" took our dad, he went his own way
Who can complain, he went to heaven above
He isnt sick anymore, and he's surrounded by love
One week later, there's a surprise about
Another baby is on the way, one life in, one life out
The way I found out was I felt a kick
The tests were negative, the one's with the little stick
Four months in, five months to go
And on March 9, we get K. Bravo
Now we have one of each, a girl and a boy
Some would say the perfect family of love and joy
Sure there have been bumpy roads along the way
I would not change one single day
The day we met, Our first kiss
Its all been a great time I would never miss
The Lord chose you and me
For the most difficult task there could be
Stage 4 Cancer is what God has given me
He has chosen me to be the miracle for all to see
No matter what, they will remember me
Dont count me out yet, the fight is ON
I will not stop until they cancer is gone
We will be at church and pray
For our family to strive for the best every day
So far it has all worked out and I will never let you go
Your are the BEST thing that has happened to me
I thought you should know
There is really only one thing left to say
Happy Valentines Day! (2008)

Author: Renee Bravo

Kicking Cancers Ass - Home

2009-10-08T22:02:00.001-05:00

Kicking Cancers Ass - Home

Shared via AddThis

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO

2009-10-08T02:25:00.002-05:00

IT CANNOT CRIPPLE LOVE.
IT CANNOT SHATTER HOPE.
IT CANNOT CORRODE FAITH.
IT CANNOT DESTROY PEACE.
IT CANNOT KILL FRIENDSHIPS.
IT CANNOT SUPPRESS MEMORIES.
IT CANNOT SILENCE COURAGE.
IT CANNOT INVADE THE SOUL.
IT CANNOT STEAL ETERNAL LIFE.
IT CANNOT CONQUER THE SPIRIT.

My New Website

2009-10-08T02:20:00.002-05:00

I have been working on this website over the past couple of months and finally found one that has everything I wanted on my site. It provides a calendar, a place for video postings, and a contact page for me. I also have in place a guestbook, and a donate page. I have been asked if I have a place set up for those who have the kindness within them to donate to my fight. I simply am answering those calls. I hope you all like it.

www.kickingcancersass.webs.com

This is a site that I also have linked back to my blog so that anyone who donates can check up on me at anytime. I still have some great news to share besides this. So Stay Tuned!

I am waiting for permission to post the letter that I recieved.

Toodles,
Renee B.

Last Radiation & This Radiation

2009-10-07T00:43:00.002-05:00

Having radiation again cant help but make me think of the first time I had radiation. I have been getting my second round and after my surgery I will getting almost 7 more weeks of radiation. I know that with both I have been very very tired. I don't know what it is about it that makes me tired. I am surprisingly strong when it comes to all of this. I don't expect myself to be super sick with burn marks and heaving over the toilet until the sun comes up. I refuse to put myself through even the thoughts of that. I got sick pretty much every day the first time. I also was getting the treatments through my stomach so I don't know if that had alot to do with it. I was taking all this medicine as well. The first radiation treatments were for my lower back (sacrum,S1,S2 area) but they did the radiation from that round of treatments through the front. It went through my abdomen including my stomach and uterus and ovaries. I was made baron because of it. I also needed doses that would have basically fried my spinal cord and paralyzed me to completely eradicate it. They gave me as high a dosage as they could. This later resulted in me getting a hysterectomy at age 31. Unable to have anymore children. Thank God I have a son because he is the last of the name. I had a responsibility to my father in law to provide a son. I have a daughter as well. When she came along my thoughts were that I already had a son, I would love another one to carry the name. I also would love a daughter which means I would have one of each. Best of either world I say. Anyway, I held on to that, and I had so much more on my plate that was more major than that. I never really have been able to mourn my future children. I have been busy enough fighting for my life.
It was funny because I was talking to my grandmother about it. She just had a hysterectomy herself a number of years ago. The doctor said she would be a good source of info for me when it comes to questions about the side effects. His thoughts were that there is good chance that you and your close family members would experience the same side effects. My mother and my grandmother have both had a hysterectomy so I was able to ask them both. I talked to them both about it and luckily they both didn't have many side effects at all. Hot flashes would be the main thing that we all 3 experienced. I had one of those comical moments in life while I was talking to my grandma about this. You see, she has 13 children. 8 boys, and 5 girls. Out of all the children including the wives of all my uncles, no one has had to seek out my grandma about this subject. I of all people was the one talking with her about it. Out of all the people in the family, I, her 2ND eldest grandchild, was the one seeking her guidance. I am now considered post-menopausal. When I heard that I kinda instantly for a moment felt like an old lady. I know mental thoughts are very powerful in influencing ones actions, whether you realize it or not, so I didn't let myself go there for very long. I did however have this instant flash of myself as an old lady with all gray hair all knotted up in a bun. Society has our minds trained that the stereotypes of every situation is what comes through as your first thoughts. I felt out of place because society never prepares young people to deal with those types of surgeries or situations. I know I wasn't mentally prepared for it. Most people are just planning their first child around my age.
I also experienced pain on a maximum level with the radiation. It is what started the seizure in my legs. It stated the nerve pain. The area where the tumor is located on my spine is intertwined with my spinal cord and wrapped up in my nerves. So no matter what, I knew I would be dealing with one pain or the other. It seemed to most intensive during the radiation. I feel like its putting up a fight. It doesn't want to die. I look at it like this, its going to get worse before it gets better. I am winning and its the last stand. That's the way I see it. So I will deal with the pain. It shows me I am winning!
I draw strength from not only myself, but from my husband Chris, and my kids. Trust me, we are a family unit that sticks together no matter what. Every family has ups and downs. We have really leaned on each other when needed and its a great feeling.

That's all for now...peace and love,
Renee B.

Only 4 Radiation Treatments Left

2009-10-06T21:24:00.006-05:00

There are only 4 radiation treatments left in this round for my leg. I couldn't be happier about it. I have been handling it like a trooper if I do say so myself. I saw the doctor today as I see him weekly for him to check on up on me and see how I am doing. He asked me how I was and how was everything going. I basically told him that I do have the same pain. I am very achy in my whole back and down my legs. I know from my last radiation treatments on my lower back that it did hurt more during the time of the radiation. That's when my legs also started seizing up and also was the trigger that made me not able to walk during the beginning of my diagnosis. I look at it like this, its going to get worse before it gets better. It is putting up a fight. I am winning and its the last stand. That's the way I see it. So I will deal with the pain. It shows me I am winning!
It seems that the way I have been dealing with certain areas of going through having Stage 4 cancer is to put things in perspective. Its very hard to deal with this no matter how you look at it. I have noticed that I cant deal with everything at once. I can only do one thing at a time. I can only deal with one thing at a time. I have to put things in order. Whether its order of importance, or order of urgency, or the orders of the doctors which can override my thoughts if necessary. This way I can make sure that I do my tasks thoroughly, with all the strength within me. I have to draw strength from not only myself, but from my husband Chris, and my kids. Trust me, we are a family unit that sticks together no matter what. Every family has ups and downs. We have really leaned on each other when needed and its a great feeling.

That's all for now...peace and love,
Renee B.

Enough is Enough

2009-10-01T02:28:00.003-05:00

I am curious when you think enough is enough when it comes to letting someone go or trying to keep them in your life. I know how it is to want something or someone to go the way you want it to go and people to feel the way you want them to feel. All I know is that its no shame to put a good effort into something you believe in. Dont go overboard. Give someone a chance. Leave it in their court on whether they want to participate in growing as a person or becoming closed off and not learning anything. One thing you have to accept is that some people are stuck in a rut where they may not want to learn anything. They may want to be difficult and thinking they are trying to control the situation by not responding. Funny thing is that isnt how we look at it from our side. We are trying to purge bad feelings and grow from the times that are there for us to grow from. Its a lesson that the person will have to learn again and again if they dont take the time to learn it when it presents itself. You cant force someone. All you can do is know that if they choose not to be a part of it dont worry about it. You have made your peace and left it in their court to deal with. Make it a place in your heart where its all good and no bad. It takes work. It does. Dont let someone else dictate your feelings and what you feel. Dictate what and when its time to love or leave. I personally have decided to try with everyone I love. Its not something I will do repeatedly. I have too much to do. If its not time and the universe says no, then hey, maybe the universe will let you let it go...never to think of the bad times again. You are all good. Your force is nothing but strong and true. Its a great time to be alive!

Oct. 27th

2009-10-01T02:16:00.002-05:00

This is the big day guys. Its the day of the surgery. The major surgery day. I am actually coming to terms with the whole thing. I thought all my tears were gone. I have pretty much cried about every aspect of this whole thing. It was another slam to me that I am going to get a piece of me cut off. I know it has to be done. It is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I honestly started feeling like my Mt Everest is coming to the top. I have been climbing and climbing and I am reaching the top soon with nothing left to do but come down. I need to do this. I don't know what else to do. I trust my doctor. I know she wouldn't steer me wrong. I told them to prepare me if they think I am going to need more radiation after the surgery too. So I am glad the doctor was being honest that day. I need complete honesty. Its amazing how hard it is for some people. Well not for me. I am not afraid of the truth. I would much rather prefer the truth. I speak the truth for I give what I expect. It doesn't always work out that way. The fact is you have to stick to what you believe in. Push forward. Keep your head up. Like Obama says, "Fired up, Ready to go!" Its on baby, its on!

Radiation Day 2

2009-10-01T00:42:00.002-05:00

Today's radiation was in the evening as I said yesterday. It was actually ok. Today was a busy day. Christopher got his braces on today. Well they started anyway. Its a process over several trips. I did well on today's treatment though. It wasn't to bad at all. It took around 45 minutes with the waiting. The actual treatment took only 5-7 minutes. I was only dizzy for a bit. We ended up going to my mothers house for dinner. She cooked chicken n dumplings and rice crispy chicken. My mom makes it all. It is so good. Christopher was so upset because he could not eat well. We warned him all day. We even went to get him his last hamburger earlier in the day. Its a trip. We truck on as a family. Supportive of each other no matter what. I am still climbing my mountain. I feel I am close to the top. I know that I am going to make it through this. Its not even a question. Its just a matter of time. I have so much more to catch you up on. And some exciting news. I was so flattered and I cant wait to share. Love all!

Radiation Day 1

2009-09-29T23:53:00.003-05:00

It was my first day of radiation. I have had to go to several previous visits to meet the doctor, then for the first visit for them to line everything up. They also had to take x-rays. The doctor had to approve the x-rays. They use the tattoo marks and the pen marks they drew on me to do this. I have had pain from my leg and the doctor told me that he hopes it subsides about a month after the treatment. Its takes that long. I am of the same hopes. I went around 4pm today due to scheduling of the place. Its extremely busy right now. Its kinda scary to think that it is so busy with people getting radiation that I have also been scheduled as late as 7pm. So 9 more treatments to go. I had 16 last time so it is a few less. I am only allowed to get so much in one area. I was immediately sick from the treatment and when I got home I was sick not long after. This is what I usually go through. I say that it is worth going through instead of being burned and having red marks from the radiation. I didn't have that last time and I don't expect it this time. I will only be sick for a bit when I come home. I will deal with it.

Playing Catch-Up

2009-09-29T04:10:00.001-05:00

I have so much to catch you up on. I will be doing so all week pretty much...TTYSoon

Charger Craziness

2009-09-29T03:13:00.003-05:00

I finally got my charger for my laptop. I have been waiting FOREVER! I first had an issue with my internet. Something to do with the wiring, and then the day I got it fixed my charger broke. URG! So I am back on now, and able to catch everyone up on the latest. I went to see the Radiation Oncologist. He decided on 10 treatments for my leg. Each treatment will take 5-10 minutes. I go during weekdays. I also had to go for the initial visit that they do to line everything up. They actually have to tattoo you for the procedure. It is how they line up the machine. I was stupid last time like ok, you can poke me to tattoo me. That dang lady poked me with that needle so hard just to leave a dot. A tattooed dot in which they used to line up the machine. Its a crazy thing. They have to tattoo both sides of my hips and right above my belly button. I told those ladies that I was already tattooed from my first radiation and I didn't need it again. I told her they can use the same dots from last time. They are still there..lol.. I know it doesn't seem like much, but any bit of pain I can avoid I will avoid. I actually had nights where I cried myself to sleep because my leg hurt so bad. The pain in my bone is indescribable. It is bone pain, and nerve pain, and it sucks major. I have been handling it though. I am ready to get this radiation over with. It is supposed to help with the pain and that is a big proposal. I take all the pain like a professional like always. Its a gift by this point. I want to have something else for my gift. Pain pain go away, come again another day...LOL! I say bring it on. I am going to do this with my hands ties being my back. I declare that I will have no side effects when it comes to the radiation. I may be a little tired. I can accept that. With my head held high, I am ready to get this step over with and move on to the next hurdle. Soon enough it will be over... I just have to keep moving, keep pushing forward. Never forget to keep pushing forward. You don't even have to think. Just get out there and see what the world has to say. Love you all!

Leg Update

2009-09-03T01:55:00.002-05:00

I haven't spoken much about my leg and how I have been when it comes to walking around, and handling day to day. I really let myself heal, I listened to the docs as well. When they told me to walk with a walker or cane till my stitches came out I did. I did all I was supposed to do. Which is good. Before when I couldn't walk I basically told the doctors where they could shove that cane. So I think I have made an improvement when it comes to that...lol.. I go from day to day when it comes to the pain. I also have days when there is no pain. They are here and there. Usually never for more than a day or 2. Boy today and yesterday have just been like heck! Major pain. I feel it in my bones and my knee. The medicine has done nothing over the past couple of days. I even took so much medicine yesterday that I got sick. I made myself sick with it. I go see my pain management doctor next week so I will find out what they want me to do and what medicine they will want to keep or change. I have liked my doctors so far when it comes to pain management. The nurse was pretty rude to me the last time so I'm not looking forward to her. I also find out my radiation schedule too so maybe that may help with the pain as it goes on. The lady that my oncologist introduced me to from the American Cancer Society is my friend now. I happen to end up with appointments on Wed. which is the day she volunteers up there. She was Stage 3C. Now she is healed. She just told me that there are peaks and valleys to it and that I will make it... just keep up the fight. I see her now when I go up there and fill her in on the latest. And I also have her number if I need it or want to talk. She is nice. I am glad to have met her. But oh yeah, my leg hurts like a b... Annual Family Camping trip is coming up, I am trying to take it easy because we are planning on going. I can do it., I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I can. I know, I'm a dork. LOL. Talk soon, Renee

It Inches Closer

2009-08-31T22:19:00.002-05:00

Boy have the feelings been flowing about this surgery. It so tough. More and more everyday I know its something that I have to do. I go back and forth everyday. Chris just basically layed it on the line and asked me if he had to beg me to stay with him. It hit me so hard. So many people are right with me, hurting with me, happy with me, or just there to talk if I need it. I always have to be conscious of the fact that I not only go through this for myself, I go through this so I can be here for the people around me on the other end of this. So many tears. So many anxieties about what is yet to come. I am in charge of my fate, and I am not going anywhere. I remind myself that the fight is in me, and I have to stand up to the challenge. I don't care how many times I get knocked down, I WILL get back up. I will be battered, bruised, crying, clawing, and out of breath, and as long as I am still breathing I have to remember that. This is why I scheduled my leg surgery so quick. The time is what gets to me. Waiting. More waiting. I have to know that this is right for me. I am ready to begin healing. I am ready to reach the top of my mountain. I am tired of the climb. I am ready to start climbing down now. I made it through another day. Thats all that matters.
RB

In this special moment in life...

2009-08-30T18:25:00.002-05:00

Think freely. Practice patience.
Smile often. Savor special moments.
Live God's message. Make new
friends. Rediscover old ones. Tell
those you love that you do. Feel
deeply. Hope. Grow. Be crazy. Count
your blessings. Observe miracles.
Make them happen. Discard worry.
Give. Give in. Trust enough to take.
Pick some flowers. Share them. Keep
a promise. Look for rainbows. Gaze
at stars. see beauty everywhere.
Work hard. Be wise. Try to
understand. Take time for people.
Make time for yourself. Laugh
heartily. Spread joy. Take a chance.
Reach out. Let someone in. Try
something new. Slow down. Be soft
sometimes. Believe in yourself. Trust
others. See a sunrise. Listen to rain.
Reminisce. Cry when you need to.
Trust life. Have faith. Enjoy wonder.
Comfort a friend. Have good ideas.
Make some mistakes. Learn from
them. Celebrate life.

Jan Michelsen

Too Many Minds

2009-08-30T14:38:00.002-05:00

I go through the week and the weekend both up and sometimes down. Most people including my family don't even know when I am down. I sometime cry in private. I cry with Chris. I cry with my mom. I am so tired of the crying, but it does good. It helps me to feel better sometimes. I know one thing is I have spent the past couple of days skimming a book called "The Secret"...the secret by the way is the law of attraction. It states in the book that our thoughts are things, they are what we are intending to do, want to do, don't want to do, and it leads to the things we attract to us through our thoughts. Its such a powerful thing that no one thinks about. No on thinks that their thoughts mean much, and its all going to happen how it happens anyway. I don't believe that. I do believe that we have a lot of control around what happens to us, or we try to make the best choices with what we have. We can not control the people around us. And if you sit around and wait for someone to do the right thing, well you will be waiting a long time my friend. Maybe your idea of the right thing is different from what someone else thinks. You align yourself with the people that you think will take care of you in a hard time. Someone that you can call in the time of need. I can say one thing. Chris is a good man. Christopher has a good heart. Kristen has a good mind. All of us are good at something, and all together we can become great if we choose to. Its our thoughts and actions that take us there. Most of the time people who do good are the silent ones in the back. No one knows that they do good. No one knows because they don't do it for the recognition. They do it because they are good people. I have spent many days here forced to be home everyday dealing with an illness that I did not choose to deal with. I gave up control. I gave up trying to map the way everyday. I try to just go with the flo. I cant change myself, I just try to adjust certain moments and actions to better myself or the relationship of whomever is in the moment with you. You cant force them though. So many times I have put myself out there to try to let the other person meet me halfway. You cant control the moments in their life either. They may be at a difficult moment in their own lives. I try to remember that as well. Maybe they are not at the same point of learning and growth that you are. Maybe your not on their level either. I put myself out there and was left dangling at times, and I have put myself out there and been pleasantly surprised of who steps forward to meet you halfway. Its never who you think it will be either. Its easy to forget other people have lives too, they have problems too, they have difficulties just as anyone else. One thing that has been hard for me to understand is when people are presented with the opportunity to do good, or help, or be called to give a hand, why people don't take advantage of it. Most of us work, and come home and have the same thing go on everyday, just waiting for an opportunity to do good because we are all so busy with life. When that time comes, its the ones learning, the ones that get it, that answer the call. I have been caught up in the hierarchy that is supposed to be in place. The brothers watch out for the sisters, the oldest watches over everyone, and we all get together as much as we can and bond. I have had very rude awakenings when it comes to family. Thoughts that I used to have, have completely changed. I almost feel naive talking about how it is "supposed" to be. There is no cookie cutter way for every family. The sooner you learn that the less heartache you will have. Believe me on that. The less tears, the less disappointments , the less down feelings that you will experience. Now it goes back to my thoughts are things. You control what you feel and think. So don't let yourself go there. Acknowledge it as a lesson learned, and don't think about it again. Think of fluffy marshmallows if you want, you can, they are your thoughts. Why sit around and be miserable all the time. Think about what you want, think about what you need, think about good times, think about how you can better yourself. Never take it to the negative place. Think about your goodness, and you will be surprised how much the goodness will multiply. Its a pleasant surprise. Prayers, Love, Hugs, to each and every one of you.

Renee B.

Breast Surgeon Follow Up

2009-08-28T15:55:00.002-05:00

We had a follow up with the breast surgeon after we saw the plastic surgery doctor. It was to discuss what the next step was. On the bright side, even though I wont have immediate reconstruction it wont be long after. They are going to run tests to make sure they got it all. It will be those test results that determine if I have radiation on my left chest armpit area. If they are able to get it all then I will be cleared to get reconstruction. They talk about it so matter a fact like oh its just another surgery. That's the point. Another surgery. I am so sick of surgery I cant even say. Although I do not mean to sound like I am complaining. I know there are people who have to have many more than I do. Its never easy no matter what kind of surgery it is. I still am not happy about the situation. I am having a hard time giving up control of this thing. I don't want to be butchered. That's what it feels like. I am having a mental breakdown when it comes to thinking about this. I have been told that it wont make my life longer and it wasn't a cure, so why the hell are they telling me to do this. I want to be a whole person. I will essentially heal and then get cut again. Its a year of adjustments and they have to take skin from somewhere else to make it complete. I am having a very difficult time with this one. Anyway, I am supposed to find out about the radiation on my leg next Wed. After I know the plan from the radiation oncologist then I am supposed to call the surgeon back and let them know the plan. Then they can schedule my surgery. I am not thrilled about any of this. When I was told about this surgery they said nothing about any of this. I was not prepared for any of it. I think that is why I am having a hard time swallowing this pill. I still don't know what to do. Its torment. Its torture. Funny that I don't think about it all day. But when I do, the waterworks start. And I wont cry in front of my kids so I have to really get a hold of myself. I have to watch where they are and make sure they never see that part. Hopefully, I will not have to make the decision. The Lord will guide me without me having to do a thing. I have faith. Through it all I still have faith. Its all I have to hold onto.

Taking it All In

2009-08-25T23:11:00.002-05:00

As I sit here working on a couple of websites I am doing, I think about the heavy decisions that weigh on my mind. I have so much invested in this life, I refuse to miss out on the good stuff. I am so pissed that they make me go on this roller coaster. I would have been better prepared for hearing the actual no. I know its for the best. I was just kinda hoping that I could combine 2 surgeries if I could. I have to get another, and another, and another surgery is what is alot for me to handle. We have gone along pretty well where my kids arent effected by what happens around them. I dont let them see me cry. Under any circumstances. I want them to always know I am a fighter, and I am fighting as best I can. If it takes saying good bye to the parts of me that need to go, then that is what it takes. I am scared to death, dont get me wrong. I am more nervous on this surgery than any other I have had. I dont know how to feel about it. I will be different. This is too much for me to wrap my head around. I am shaking in my skin. What am I going to do now?

Plastic Surgeon Visit

2009-08-25T17:35:00.002-05:00

I had my visit yesterday with the plastic surgeon. It did not go well for me. I come away from the visit not liking this doctor, and I am going to relay those feelings to the breast surgeon tomorrow when I see her. I have a feeling she wants to schedule my surgery. I was told I would not be reconstructed at the same time they remove the left breast and armpit. There are so many variables that they don't know if it will actually be a bad time to do the reconstruction. For example, if they decide to radiate that area, they would have to remove the implant and I would start all over. It would be a step backwards. There is an issue with the chemo to affecting it. I don't know and I am so confused right now. I know I need this thing out of me, but they are going to remove pieces of me and I don't know how to feel about that. I can get reconstruction at a later time. It is a long process to reconstruct. It takes a year of expanding and adjusting and I would have to commit to a year of appointments on top of all my other appointments. Its best if I wait...
I am devastated, I am OK with it, I have been crying ever since I left there. I know it has to be done. Its more difficult than you could imagine. More later.. I cant do this right now......

Actually I am Lucky!

2009-08-21T00:25:00.003-05:00

Reflecting is something that has caused me to realize that all in all, I am a pretty lucky girl. I have a great husband, I have 2 beautiful children. One of each, girl and a boy. That right there is enough to make me sit back and reflect. Some people want kids and cant have them. Some people don't want kids and wait until they are old as dirt to decide they want a kid, then cant or wont. There are tons of ladies out there who are still looking for that special guy. I found mine a long time ago. I lucked into having children at a young age, when I had enough energy to tend to them. My K is still young and going strong, but she helps much more than she needs. They are most wonderful. I told my mother that the way things ended up, if I didn't have kids young, I wouldn't have had kids. I know that is looking on the bright side. I still have my mind, I can still function, and I know that a lot of people have it worse than I do. I am humble. I know I am spiritually gaining boatloads, I know that mentally I am tougher than you could imagine. I know that inside, you couldn't rattle me if you jumped up and down on my head. I am steady. I have some of the best friends that a girl could ask for. I have loyalty. I have my grace. I have love. I do not regret. I learn and move forward. I would say all in all, I am dam lucky. And when I come out of this, still bobbin and weaving, I will have even achieved a new level of luck. I am a survivor. I am a hustler. I am a fighter. I will always fight for what is right, for what is good, and for what makes sense. I love hard, I care intensely, and I never walk away. I am here. I am happy. I am lucky. I have love surrounding me, lifting me up, and carrying me forward. I even love the haters because without them then you wouldn't know that you have something good in your life. My man will move the sun for me if its what I wanted. I will swim the sea for him if he asked me. I even have best friends. I don't sit here and say I don't have this, or that, or woe is me. Hell with all that. I do have everything that I want. I have had it for a long time. The rest was just maintenance. I am meant for something special. I get to say that I helped save lives! Can that be any cooler? I am rambling by now, I now it...lol... but I had to push that point home. I love me no matter how hard it can be at times. I sit here with a cracked rib, a steel leg, constant pain, unable to bear children, radiated, chemofied and I have to spend the rest of my life going to doctors. But you know what, I will go through every bit of it because I know how I am cared for by my friends. And my true family, knows that this is a learning process and they are learning right along with me. Its a roller coaster ride, no doubt.

Wire Bras

2009-08-19T18:46:00.003-05:00

I have to put my public statement out there about wire bras. Due to the nature of my injury and the physical presence of a scar I know without a doubt that a wire injury from a bra in around 2005 caused the cancer that I am now facing. I know what your saying, it was cheap. No, I got this bra at Neimans. So it was not cheap. I was cut along the side of my left breast. It was a pretty good cut. It ended up healing and there was a scar but nothing major. Just like when you get a good cut anywhere it leaves a scar. This is where the cancer is now. The main area. I have told doctor after doctor this. All they say is there is no proof one way or another. I tell them I am the proof. When I saw the mammogram of my left breast, all you can see is a big black mass. I asked the doctor last time if they can differentiate the scar tissue from the cancer. His answer was NO! Can you believe that? Scar tissue comes up black. Cancer shows as black. Its all together. This is where is started. I want to tell all the women out there that if you get a wire injury from a bra, get it looked at and documented immediately. Sad thing is, I can not go after anyone for liability because the statute is really short. I couldn't even go after the doctors who misdiagnosed me because of the statute. It sucks. I know I would not have had a hard time proving my case. I actually was talking with several lawyers, but by the time they got back with me it was on the edge of the timeline. It wasn't long enough for anyone to gather a proper case together. So I have to just get the word out about this finally. I say I don't know why I am dealing with this, but I do actually. Its because of a wire bra. Just be careful out there ladies!

RB

WHAT IS NEXT?

2009-08-19T00:56:00.002-05:00

So I realized that all this was taking place during the weeks my kids go back to school and I wont do the surgery if it effects them. To me, my numbers are going down anyways. Things are not out of whack. Its not a major emergency to do it NOW. I want to finish my radiation. Then I want to do the surgery. Only if they are going to do what I want. I wont budge. Its my one and only vessel and I wont take these decisions lightly.
Besides I think I cracked or maybe broke a rib late Sunday or Monday. I dont know how. All I know is they told me I had a cracked rib before from a scan and I didnt even know it. I actually heard a crack, and it feels like there is a break or a crack. Im like jeez, somethin else. I havent put a call into the doc yet, I have just been sleeping and not moving and taking it easy. I feel a little better right now. When I am all hopped up on these pain meds I dont feel a dam thing..lmao.. its no joke.
Well right now, they moved my appointments to Fri, and the follow up on next Wed. And the radiation date is for Thurs. They keep moving these things around, so I dont know if these dates are set in stone. We will see. Then I will let you know!

Well,
ttfn,
ReneeB.

Last week & weekend

2009-08-18T23:52:00.003-05:00

Whats up guys?
I have been exhausted doing all that needs to be done before school. We have been up at the college all week and weekend getting Mijo's classes and schedule together. We also got Laffy Taffy's uniforms only to get a letter in the mail today that we bought the wrong color. So that sucks. I told Chris I am sending her in her white shirt the first day just to protest. Its not fair. Some of us don't wait until the last minute to buy their stuff, and they barely send a letter today? That's DISD for you.
My boy is a junior this year. Can you believe that? Its crazy. I have to prepare myself for him to have a career and life of his own...that's going to be crazy. But that is what we have been preparing him for this whole time. He also proves himself these two years, and automatically gets a scholarship to UTA. I think its awesome. Even though I lead the way, he is the one who has to do the work. He is the one who keeps himself in the program. He is the one who walks the walk. I am proud of him for stepping up to the pressure and surviving. One thing I have let that boy do this summer is sleep. He was so sleep deprived during the year. And this year he wants to get a job too! I dont know how all that is going to work, but we'll see. I dont want him to go to fast. I want him to see what his workload is going to be for the year.
My girl will probably go to the magnet school during elementary. They want her over there. I heard nothing but them trying all last year. Sending letters home with her and mailing them to the house. I did not want her to go in the middle of the year. I wanted her to start fresh for the year. She is fine where she is, with her friends. That is also important. She is getting social skills. I am going to do more research this year, and a tour of the school. If I like what I see I will put her in.
Thing is, at the end of the year when we did all the end of year stuff, her TAG teacher pulled me aside and told me K was the smartest person in the class. She said she felt bad some of the assignment that she gave her because she knew it was too easy. But she couldnt leave the other kids behind just for 1 kid. I understood. Thats what I go up against if I dont move her. She will get bored and act out. I will check it out.
I never put my boy in a magnet school. He was always in TAG (Talanted and Gifted). They want my girl early..lol. I have her plan all lined up, just like I did for my boy. I know what my kids are going to do from birth, please, I got it like that!...lol... no really, I have always known what to do for them. Basically what wasnt done for me. Dont we always say that as parents. There is always something we craved as kids, and didnt get. We always know that in hindsight. So we learn from it, or we repeat it. Well I definately learn from what goes on in my life, and what to do next. So this weekend was full, and tiring but we got it done. Thats all that matters! Salute!
Rae

My Guys!

2009-08-14T16:21:00.002-05:00

I have to show much love to my guys, my pals, my friends, my family Crae, Judy, Mike, Reatha, and Sandy. I can know without a doubt that you guys have my back no matter what. I know that nothing stupid will ever come between us, that you support me, care about me, and are there for me to laugh, cry, play, or just hang out. I know the things that are valuable in this life, and it isn't the big house, the "cool" car, or money, its who is going to be there for you in the end. Mind you, I have worked for and with billionaires. People really let their true colors show when the going gets tough. People tuck tail and run, say and don't do, and have things to say when others are brave enough to stick it out. I have been accused of alot of things during all this. I have even been accused of "faking it" and this was from one of my family members. I can give it face by saying that it affects me but truthfully it does not. I know who to give weight to and who not to. Some fooled me for a long time, but the truth always comes out. The best thing about the truth is that its not something you have to keep up with, or be fake about. I am truthful no matter what, I never worry about what I told this person or the story I need to keep straight. I don't have to call everyone in the family and make sure everyone knows my side. These are the stupid things that go on around me from people who are sadly my blood. The bright side of that is I know that the opposite of that is greatness. Its good times. Its love. Its priceless. Its true friendship. Its happiness. Its bonding. Its having someone to lean on. There are very few people in my life for whom I label golden, and these precious souls are golden to me. I would do anything for any one of these guys and I know the feeling is mutual. Squish Squish, tear, tear, smile, smile. I can handle tears of joy any day! The real test is who is going to be there for you in your trying days, in the battle of your life. I used to think the way you treated people mattered on how they treated you back. I am now a little wiser. There are some good fakers out there. Truth is, good people are good people no matter what. Perpetrators are the ones who are only there when they can get something out of it, or they need you for your connections or your skill set. Then they move on. No love, no care, no righteousness, no guilt. I cant be paranoid about it and I wont. I will be me no matter what. That's all I can be.I have to say I appreciate having you guys in my life muchos besos! Renee

Forgiveness (to those of us who arent mental...RB)

2009-08-13T13:18:00.001-05:00

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-13-09

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"
(Isaiah 43:18, NIV)

TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Every person, no matter how much faith they have or how good a person they are will face disappointments. It may be something simple like not getting that promotion you really hoped for, or not closing that big deal you worked so hard on. Maybe you didn't qualify for a house you really wanted. Or, it may be something more serious like a relationship not working out, the death of a loved one, or some kind of illness in your body. Whatever it may be, the reality is that we’re all going to suffer some setbacks. But I believe one of the main keys to overcoming disappointments is learning to let go of the past. The past weighs you down and holds you back.

If you feel "stuck" today, you may want to examine what you're holding on to. Be willing let go of the past by choosing forgiveness. Who hurt you? Who wronged you? Release it to God. Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to receive God's forgiveness? Make the choice today to let go of the past so that you can experience the bright future God has in store for you!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, search my heart and mind today. Show me any area where I may be holding on to the past. Help me to receive Your forgiveness so that I can extend forgiveness to others and move forward in the wonderful plan You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

August 13, 2009

2009-08-13T01:06:00.003-05:00

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
The chance to draw back,
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation,
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance of which kills coutless ideas
And endless plans:
That the moment one definitaley commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
Raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance,
Which no one could have dreamed would come their way.
Whatever you can do or dream you can.
Begin.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Begin it now.

A passage from German philosopher Johanne Goethe

Breast Surgery Update

2009-08-13T00:37:00.002-05:00

Chris went with me to this appointment. I thought it was to get a treatment, but when I got there I found out I was seeing the breast surgeon. I was like... ok... I didn't have any prep time, only my waiting room time to get myself strong in the mind and heart and build myself up for this visit. Each one is a hurdle, and I have to brace myself for anything that the doctors say to me. So I was warned that a resident would come in first.. for the teaching program... and this guy was a total douche... (excuse me Father)... he had no bedside manner. He examined me. He flat out told me that this surgery is not a cure and would not extend my life. I mean what do you say to someone that says that to you. So I heard whatever else he had to say, I wanted him to leave and I wanted to see the real doctor. While we were waiting I happened to see my oncologist walking by. I guess she was going home for the day. When she walking by she saw me in the waiting room and came back and asked me what I was doing there. I told her I was there to see the breast surgeon. She said... "oh ok"... I told her that I saw the first doctor and he did not give me good news. He said everything opposite from what I was told before. She asked me who it was, and I told her. She said, "Oh well wait for the real doctor to come in before you take a position on it." I told her I would and she left after I introduced her to Chris. So we waited forever. Now when I get a new doctor the wait time is FOREVER because my file is so big. They have alot to catch up on. She examined me. She told me that if I choose to do the surgery that she would remove the left breast and the left armpit. It will not be a double mastectomy, only the left side. Then she hit me with it. She told me that they usually don't reconstruct someone at my stage. My case is so rare that I may still have a chance, but she warned me that they do not reconstruct Stage 4 patients. I guess they think its a waste of time and money. It does not send me a good message. I do not pay attention to it. Its a roadblock yes, but if that is the case I will not have my surgery here, I will go somewhere where they will reconstruct me. This is probably the most scared I have been on a surgery. My nerves are all over the place. Its the one reason it took me so long to write this blog. I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon next week. Somehow all my treatment appointments have been taken over by all these other appointments...i.e. radiation, bone scan, plastic surgeon, and the breast surgeon. Not to mention my normal oncology appointments with my doctor. I was told that it was because they wanted to wait until I do the bone scan to see what effect the treatments are doing. The bone scan is 3 hours long. I will do it though. I haven't had to do scans since I had like a hundred scans at the beginning of this. I will be there to do them all. I am brought back down to reality. Its not that I get my hopes up or down, I am in the middle always. I can not let myself be all over the place. If I do then I set myself up for disappointment. I just let whatever happen that is supposed to happen and I go with the flo as best I can. I believe that is what will get me through all of this. I have been in good spirits lately. Everything is still going on around me but I stick with a positive mood, living in God's favor, bringing the love straight to me from all the people around me. My kids, my husband. Christopher is the best. Chris has been so great I cant even tell you. Every girl should have a guy like him. He would do anything for me, I am lucky to have him. I sit here and wait for the next appointment on the 17th with the plastic surgeon to find out if I am able to be reconstructed. The breast surgeon showed me where she would cut if I get reconstruction. Reconstruction does not just happen the day of the surgery. Its a series of surgeries, and visits to maintain the expander. I have been researching other blogs and women that have already been through it. Just to get an idea...Well that is all I have for now. I know its tedious but it must be done. I leave you in the Grace and Favor of the Lord. Renee B.

Surgery Update

2009-08-09T03:31:00.002-05:00

So they snuck the breast surgeon appointment in on me, or changed it at the last minute I should say so instead of a treatment I talked with the breast surgeon and got first the resident's thoughts and then the doctors thoughts on the whole situation. I am still trying to wrap my head around what was said. I am being referred to the plastic surgeon now. I dont know if that is good or bad. Still my decision whether I go through with this thing or not. Its a pretty big decision. I have wanted to have these conversations, I also wanted some prep time to hear what they say. These visits never get any easier. Its always something major everytime. I once want to go to a normal update where nothing is said or there is no news to be given, no decision to be made. That wouldnt be life I guess. I will be able to put it in words soon enough, not yet. It took me a bit to call my mom, she was unable to go to this appointment with me, Chris went. He is all for the surgery, cut off the head the rest dies he says. I am taking so much of this into account. I hope to hear the right things from the plastic surgeon, I know better than to have my hopes up for any reason. Go in ready for anything. Its not that I have my hopes down, but I wont purposely piss myself off if I can avoid it..lol. That is common sense. So maybe next post I can formulate into words my last visit. Its a doozy.....

Treatment

2009-08-05T03:06:00.002-05:00

I go for my treatment this week. It usually gives me energy. Its not degenerative. The accessing of my port is the only painful part. They have the cream to numb the area. I have some somewhere. My view is I can handle it. Lets get it done. So talk to you later. Cheers.

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-5-09

2009-08-05T02:16:00.002-05:00

Look Beyond

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"…Lift up now your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward;"
(Genesis 13:14, AMP)

TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
God has a place of victory in store for you today! You may be facing challenges. You may look around you and see impossible circumstances. In the natural, it may look like things won’t ever change, but God is saying today, “Quit looking at your circumstances and look up! Lift up your eyes of faith and look beyond where you are because there is victory as far as the eye can see!

Your enemies may have some power today, but remember, our God is All Powerful! There’s no foe that can stand against Him. Those things you are facing are temporary, but God Almighty is eternal. He’s the God who flung the stars into space. He’s the God who spoke the world into existence. When He said, “Let there be light,” light came at 186,000 miles per second. That’s power and that’s the God we serve.

I encourage you to stand strong today. Keep believing because He is working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you lift your eyes to Him, as you focus on His goodness, He will guide you and direct you in the path of victory in every area of your life!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, today I choose to lift up my eyes of faith toward You. Thank You for surrounding me with Your goodness and mercy. Thank You for believing in me and for preparing a good future for me. Fill my heart with Your peace and confidence as I continue to trust You in every area of my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Appointment Today

2009-07-29T21:33:00.003-05:00

I waited since my last appointment for the letter to come to confirm the appointment time like the nurse told me to do. At the end of my last appointment the nurse gave me a paper that showed my next 5 or 6 appointments (all tentative). She (the nurse) told me the the confirmation will come in a letter and or a phone call. I waited all day until yesterday evening and I had no confirmation of the time. My mom called last night asking for the time of the appointment so she could go. I told her I hadn't gotten the confirmations so I would call the minute they start answering the phones at 8am. Then I can find out the time and then call her and let her know when to be there because she wanted to go with me. This is a big time appointment where a big time conversation will be taking place. I want her there. Well I called and they did not have an appointment on the schedule for me today. The lady on the phone looked everywhere in the system, I was no where in there for today. I then called my mom and told her to call and make sure because I want to go to my appointments. She called up there to and confirmed that I was not in the system for today. My next appointment is on the 5th for my chemo and then the 6th for my consultation for my radiation. So a little more waiting for me but I can do it. I always do. Ready. Set. Go.... I am already halfway to the finish line! YEah! RB

Stage 4

2009-07-26T18:41:00.005-05:00

I want to talk a little about Stage 4. Its very scary. Before you can get to the healing you have to get over the horror of this phrase and all that is implied when it is said. I used to be held down by the title. If I had a title ever in my life I didn't expect it to be that. I have also seen that the women that come through Stage 2 or 3 or even 4 talk about how after its all said and done that everything they have been through turns out to be a blessing. I was startled at first when I saw that. How can this be a blessing? How? I had to adjust my thinking a bit. After all, these are women who have won their fight. I need to be in that frame of mind. So I start thinking about it. After a few weeks, I am starting to realize what they are talking about. I think that its very profound to even make this statement. Its very bold. Its almost unheard of. I know that if I wasn't forced to slow down I wouldn't have. I would have worked myself into a stuper, and how would that have been any better? I cant say what would have become of my career, and where I would be right now. All I know is that I am doing something greater than I could have ever done sitting in my office behind a desk and a computer. I am living my life to the fullest. I am getting to know the people I love. I am taking the time to be here for my kids, and whatever they want. I am slowing down so that I can get to know my own self, and what I am here to do on this earth. I do believe that we are all in this together. I truly believe that just being nice means so much to someone who is at their lowest. I know its all about your fellow man, not yourself. I am going to heal, and I am going out into this crazy world to help as many people as I can with my story. I am going to save as many women as I can just by telling them to care about themselves for a change. I am going to make a difference in someones life everyday if I can. Those are personal goals. The goals that I used to have were much different. It was all about me and getting the promotion, and paying off the cool car, and finishing paying for my house. Me me me. Its one way to go... Going through life knocking people out of their spot so you can take it. I used to be upset that this life was no longer available to me. Now I look at my former self and I think, wow, I didn't have a clue. The great feelings that come when you help someone is something I cant describe. I have had so many good things happen in my life. And I can tell you that none of that comes close to the good feelings that you can attain by doing the Lord's good work. I am a soldier of the Lord. You know at the beginning of this, because Stage 4 was a part of the first doctor visit, the doctor had to explain to me everything that he thought I needed to know about what was going on. During this conversation he spoke about the definitions of Stage 4. It was at that time he gave me 6 months. He said I would not live past 6 months. Its has been almost 3 years. That goes to show you that terms dont mean anything. Its the fight inside, its the will of your soul, its the determination of the spirit. I used to think that I needed the strength of others to help me along. I would want and almost need to see the people that I had around me. I used it to define myself. I knew who I was, part of that was based on my social life, and my friends and family. I soon found out that I was the only one who felt this way. I have seen the Lord bring people into my life and take people out. I lose a few and gain a hundred. I give everyone so much of a chance, that I dont really determine the good from the bad. I just try to give everyone a chance that I hope to get from people myself. Doesnt always work out that way. So if your like me, you have to take the signs from above. Check check and check. Hey no one said you are supposed to know everything. We learn as we go, thats all we can do. But learn, or you will be doomed to repeat it. I think its comical that grown men and women cant even grasp this concept. Owell, they will learn the hard way. And I will sit back and watch like people sit back and watch me. Difference is I put on a show, and I will have a grand finale, and a standing ovation. Some people I know will be lucky to have 10 people at their funeral. I dont know what to tell those people except... Good luck with that... More later, gotta go live my life...not wasting one second of it. Peace and love,
HuRah!
Renee

Surgery Update

2009-07-21T19:37:00.004-05:00

So its 9 days officially till I go talk to the breast surgeoun. I am nervous yet semi excited. I have all the faith that this is victory for me. Only thing from now until then is keeping my mind quiet, not worrying about anything or getting ahead of myself. That seems to be the best thing for me to do right now. I do know that my body is in overdrive fighting right now because I almost have no energy. I dont sleep all the time, but I just have no energy, I get tired really quickly. If my body has to use all my energy to fight right now then so be it. I know its for the better. Fingers crossed. RB

Thank You

2009-07-20T13:21:00.003-05:00

I had a posting that referred to my thanks to everyone in my first year of postings. It occurred to me I should write another one since its not shown posted anymore. (As I have said before, there are a year and a half of posting that I printed and have in a binder since 2007) I have to and want to thank all the people that are here for me. No names in particular, if you are sending me good thoughts, I love you, and I thank you. I don't sleep, I don't always have a clear head with all the meds and I do have the best of intentions. I will one day take the time to individually write each person. I love all of you so much. I thank each and every one of you for loving me, for being considerate during this difficult time, for thinking of me despite all that is going on within your own lives. I cant express my thanks enough. God is Good... ALL THE TIME!

Meds

2009-07-20T13:05:00.002-05:00

Dam Chris went to get my medicine this morning. 1200 dollars people. Thats this month only. So don't tell me that I am not trying to get better. I have many more pills when I come out of a surgery. My pain dosage is the same as the day I got out of the hospital. They said when it starts making me tired then I will know that its too much. Now what I don't get is that my tolerance is my tolerance no matter what. How does your tolerance get less when you are taking the same thing. My tolerance has done nothing but increase. That's why I was in intensive care for so long. I have had to do some extra praying when it comes to this coming surgery. I am more nervous. They are going to working by my heart, and the stay last time was nothing less than traumatizing the first day. I have never been in so much pain, I have never cried so hard. I had to be asked to put back to sleep. Like who does that. After 8 hours of me yelling at them, they were more than happy to oblige me..lol.. My goal is to get down to only one pill. The hormone therapy pill. The one that helps me not feed the cells that are attacking me. Goal in sight, goal in mind, now I just have to wait to be done with this next surgery, and 6 weeks of radiation and my monthly chemo treatments, and in November when I get scanned again I am actually looking forward to that scan. I am interested to see what is left kind of thing. Here's hoping!

HOPE

2009-07-18T14:18:00.001-05:00

Have
Optimism
Plus
Excellence

Facing Death

2009-07-18T14:14:00.004-05:00

I miss being able
To get up and go
Now its all pills
And needles that flow.

Chemo, radiation, and doctor visits
That's my life now
I push forward no matter what
I don't know how

The power of faith
Is shining through
I believe in Lord Jesus
There is nothing he cant do

Believe and I will be healed my child
Is what he says and does
I believe in my saviour
No reason, just because

I can choose in this life
To do wrong or right
I can choose to die
Or get up and fight

You better believe
I will do my best
I know my calling
Its all a test

I face death in the eyes
Every single day
But Im not going out like that
It will be my way!

A poem by Renee B.
7/18/09

All I Want

2009-07-18T04:12:00.002-05:00

All I want
Is to be there
When my girl goes to school
and my boy is flying an F22
Is that so much to ask?
Just like everyone else
I can not miss
What goes on in my family
I am being attacked within
An enemy I can not see
That lives inside me
Why did this happen?
Havent I been through enough?
Appearantly not
I have the capacity to learn more
which means...
I am highly regarded
in the spirit world
I get to learn the most
haha!

Dear Cancer,

2009-07-18T03:55:00.003-05:00

Dear Cancer,
You piece of shit, why do you show up when things are perfect? I have no time to deal with your bull...To deal with you always trying to knock me down...Keep me down...Make me weak. Don't you know since I was born there has not been a day where I have been weak you stupid, ugly, nasty, joke of a disease? I demand you leave my body immediately. Its not ok for you to take away my time from my husband and children. Its not ok that you took away my ability to have any more children. Its not ok that I have to have surgery after surgery just to contain all the crap you started. Well let me tell you one thing. I am about to kick your ass. So be ready. Be ready.
Renee B.

Jesus

2009-07-18T03:52:00.003-05:00

Accept him into your life today
And you will get the best feeling
When you think of him and pray

Hey, whatever helps you get through the week
Helps you keep your composure
Instead of getting mad and freaked

Calm down and all you have to say
Is I accept you Lord Jesus
Into my heart today

A poem by Renee B.
7/18/09

FIGHT

2009-07-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

Fix
Insides
Great
Head to
Toe

Strengths

2009-07-16T14:57:00.003-05:00

I post alot about my struggles and tribulations, but it occurred to me that I have never written directly about my strengths. My willpower, dedication, resolve, hope, faith, openness, and my overall strength when it comes to getting myself better. Its not a choice. Its an easy decision for me to fight and be here when I am needed. I do not back down. I will not back down. The Lord already knew I was very strong or he wouldnt give me this to deal with now. I didnt believe it was possible to be stronger but boy am I. I mastered the part of life that deals with providing and being there for my kids. I am now being taught the human condition. Compassion. Love. I have always been kind and concerned for others. Now its being taken to a whole new level. I know that I just need to show kindness and empathy for others not only myself. Its a sad, lonely world when all you have is yourself. I have so many people who care for me. Lose a couple from my life and gain a thousand more. I know that I am cared for, I know that I am loved. The people who are truly here for me, not what I can get them, are still here and they still show me they are here for me. They dont even have to do one thing but say hi. Its not so hard to just say hi to someone, let them know, hey Im here if you need me. People try to take on too much, they try to handle everything themselves. I am the queen of that. But its ok, I carry the load. I know what I am doing. When I thrown a curveball, I just have to adjust. Accept. Know. And move on. I have faith in the Lord. Just say the word and I shall be healed. My love of Jesus, my faith in the angels that surround me has never been stronger. I love my church, I love Father Michael. I love the support I get from my fellow church members. Hugs, love, prayers, good will.. thats what really counts. People think its all about money. What you think you did for me at this time or that...and you should be recognized on a silver platter. If thats how you feel then why did you even do anything for me to begin with. The smartest man on the planet, my pa, Ascension Bravo used to say the best phrase I have ever heard... He would say "I do not do favors, I do it out of the kindness of my heart, I expect nothing in return" I live my life by that saying. I miss that man. I loved that man. I took care of him the last years of his life Chris and I cared for him, made sure he was fed, made sure he had what he needed the last years of his life. So before I had to endure my trials, I cared for my father when he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and he knew the end was coming. Stroke after Stroke he was finally taken from us in 2000. No help from anyone. His daughters werent even talking to him when they knew he was dying. I was the only one there. They are lucky the last couple of months that I called them and asked them to come back because I needed help, or they would not have the last memories they do with him. I only say it because its the truth. I needed help and I thought it was pretty shitty and I did something about it. Now they can say they say they had time with him before he passed. I wish he was still here. I miss him terribly. And one life out, my pa, and one life in, Kristen. She was born 3 months after he passed, and she misses him and didnt even meet him. She always saw him when she was a baby. More than once she would call out for grampa when no one was there. We have had some experiences with him visiting. I hear I am not the only one. He visited Chris's sister too in spirit form. Hey, there is a place after this, a heaven if you will. I am not scared no matter what happens. I have made peace with my life, with my God, with my husband, my kids, my sisters, my friends, and my family. Of course there is always those few who still are stuck up and think they need drama or a fued. They dont realize they are just fueding with themselves. Its something everyone has to learn, and I guess I am just more advanced than the grown ups around me. Its something I have to live with...darn..lol... My white light has never shined brighter, my lifeforce has never been stonger, the love I receive has never been better. I am blessed.

UNC

2009-07-15T02:50:00.002-05:00

Happy Bday to my Unc Crae. I look forward to the next game of darts. You know I beat Judy with your darts last time...lol... Love you guys.

Prayer

2009-07-15T02:44:00.003-05:00

Dear Lord,
Please keep me strong in mind and body so that I may mentally attack this surgery as well as come out of it physically. Please see over my children and Chris and keep them strong as they are my life and I do not wish them to worry any more. I know this is what I am supposed to do. Cut it off at the head and the rest dies. Chris has said that from the beginning to the very first doctor. Thank you Lord for sending me the right doctors and surgeons to take care of me who are finally on the same page as we are. Please ease up on the intensive care area of the surgery. I do not wish to cuss any nurse out on this stay. I hope to have the best day and the best recovery possible. Please tell Chris that he can keep wishing for double d's cause he dont have to walk around with 'em..lol... Thank you! I ask this in Jesus name..Amen