Back in the Public

Hi guys,
I am so glad to have readers again. I have really just been posting different thoughts, songs when no one was on. So I figured since you are here for an update, I would give you the latest.
I have been feeling really good lately. I get tired sometimes but I think that is to be expected. Chris says my body is fighting. In that case, I will sleep till Im healed..lol. I had a hysterectomy in March. 1 year folks. Its been a year and I feel better now than I did at the beginning that for sure. Last year was hell on earth. I show a brave face for family. Hardly anyone has seen or will see me when I am down. I will put on a happy face for any of my people. I enjoy seeing my friends and family and I think in a way it rejuvenates me. I go for my infusion tomorrow. Good thing is since I had the hysterectomy, I dont have to get the shot in the stomach anymore. They took everything. Whatever is producing estrogen, I wanted out of me. This is what is feeding it and I wont help it thats for sure. I also have had hope with the lump in my breast. It is getting smaller and smaller to myself and my doc. It is definitely smaller than when this all began. It felt rock hard and like a little ball inside. Not so much anymore. I am glad that it isnt getting bigger. The doc measures it with her little tool and she says it. I dont say anything, to lead her on or to give her an idea. The last time she said it all on her own. This is my new doc. Mainly because of distance. Also I have a female now, and she specializes in Breast Oncology. It is exactly where Im supposed to be. I really like her. I also am taking part in an exercise program. She believes that it has a big part to do with recovery and remission. I told her whatever helps the cause I am willing. Someone needs to start charting this miracle! Anyways, I do still go for infusions. It is considered chemo. I still say infusion. It is the bone treatment. I am being studied due to my back, and also the exercise study. I sometimes feel like a science project. I did have other news about a new spot, but I dont believe it to be true. Ii believe it to be a false reading from the scan. I wont believe anything until they do another scan exactly like the one I had last time and then compare the 2. I considered going back to work. I went, got the job, went for all the screenings that they do and then didnt go. When it came down to it, I do try to go to fast and I dont know if I am rushing myself. It would be stupid if I went back, then they laid me off or I had to quit cause I couldnt do it anyways. I waited too long for my disability to kick in for me to just go screw it up. I do have other plans though. And I couldnt be more excited about it. Maybe I will post it on my next posting. I prefer to do then talk. You will find out about it after I get finished. Thats always how it goes. I still have a regular regiment of pills I take. I do believe they are close to perfect to the right combination of medicine. I take one that if I miss a dose or run out, I severely withdrawl. Its the worst feeling in the world. I ran out of medicine not too long ago, and had the worst 3 days I have had in a long time. I had cold sweat, the shivers when I am hot, and I just cried and cried. I couldnt make it. I finally called the nurse and she told me that it was because I was out of meds. I had an appt with her the next day so I told myself I would get it then. I would have been up there sooner if I would have known I would feel like that. Even now, if I take my meds before bed, and then sleep past the time I am supposed to take them, I will start cold sweating and just break down. It really sucks. Chris has been right here to make sure I have my meds thank God. He takes such good care of me. A few months ago, I hit rock bottom because of the pills. Moreso the combination of all the pills. I went off the deep end, and wasnt myself. I thank Chris that he is my punching bag when I need it. I have had some major disappointments as well. Mostly with family, mostly with posers who act like family.
Anyways, Im not wasting my digits on that. Christopher chose to do summer semester as the college. They also ended up having classes for the littler kids up there, so I signed Kristen up for Martial arts at the college too. I told her she goes to college too. She loves it. Well I have to say hi to my cousins who graduated this year. I know we dont talk much cause we are so busy, but I am more than proud of you guys!! More soon...

Walk Away Renee

Walk Away Renee
And when I see the sign that
points one way
The lot we used to pass by
every day
(Chorus):
Just walk away Renee,
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
From deep inside the tears that
I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain I
I chose to hide
(Chorus)
Now as the rain beats down
upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
(Solo)(Chorus)
Your name and mine inside a heart upon a wall
Still finds a way to haunt me,though they're so small
(Chorus)

Savin Me

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin'

[CHORUS]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin'

[CHORUS]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'

So Small

by:Carrie Underwood

What you got if you aint got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
Don't run out on your faith
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole
While you're sittin round thinking about what you can't change
And worryin' about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count, cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Thoughts

Hi, So I thought about logging on many times to delete what I have written. I dont care for anyone to know what I think. It serves some people never to hear from me because of their actions, then they get a post to read and its so exciting... yeah right. I have decided that this is my blog and I can do whatever I want and I will. You can jump off a bridge for all I care if you have a problem with it. I didnt think the Lord could make me more direct. I have been shown I have no time to waste and that certainly goes for people as well.
I have been wrestling with the fact of going to work. I dont think I am ready. I am tired than most people. I just think it takes me longer to re coop my energy than everyone else. Also my medicine makes me tired too. I just cant sit here happily knowing I could do more if I were 100%. I would be into the 6 figures by know if I could be let loose. My hubby wants me to stay home forever, take care of the house, watch the house and make sure someone is always here. Well that is taken care of for sure. I love it here and we are making it no matter what. I cant believe that its been over a year now. I had a tragedy in my family. I lost my beloved Michael, my puppy, my dog, my heart. I loved that dog more than anything. He stayed with me when Chris had to work and it was so hard to be here everyday alone. I cried every single day just because it was hard to get through, to even get up. And who was with me, Michael. He took care of me and I took care of him. He followed me around everywhere and scratched on any door that was closed between he and I. He was my best friend and he was closer to my heart than most. Right there with my kids. It was devastating to lose him. I cried and cried, even today I got upset. You see there was another litter and I kept the girl from the next litter and they were friends. She looks just like Michael but she is completely brown. Michael was all black. I know this sounds unbelievable but we even taught him to say mama. He did, I swear it. I love him even still and I visit his grave everyday and send him love. He was viciously attacked by a neighbors dog and was killed almost instantly. He waited for me to run over there before he took his last breath, and sighed and was gone. Noooooooo! I want him back. Michael please come back to me... I told Chris that he was with Loran now and he was taking care of her. That is the only thing that brings me comfort. I got picts with him thank God. I need him so bad. Chris said that he left because I didnt need him anymore, I was healed. I believe it too. I joined an exercise study. My doct believes that it does someone like me extra extra good. I have lost alot of weight, now I need to keep my muscles too. I finally went to Gildas House. It was pretty nice. They have facilities for me to use for free with this study. Even yoga I believe. I havent done it yet but soon.
Dear Lord,
Please watch over Michael and keep him busy with Tbones until I can get to him again. I know he is happy there. Thank you for providing for us no matter what. Jesus brings us comfort to no end, please fill our hearts with joy and continue to keep my son energized during his schooling, he is doing great, please keep my daughter busy this summer with lots of playing and learning. I also cant leave out Chris the man that has taken most excellent care of me. He saved my life literally. I couldnt have made it this past year without him. He makes sure I have my medicine no matter where he is or what he is doing, he stops and gets my pills, gives them to me to take and water, and I love him for it. Its so tedious but important I stay on a schedule do to the withdrawl properties that the medication holds. I have already been through that and it was some of the worst days of my life. Guide me to pick the correct major for both Chris and myself and help our school experience to be nice.
Yo,
R