I went to my doctor visit last week. I ended up thinking I wasn't going to get to see my doctor but I did. I was glad I did. Let me tell you why.
I was first seen by a guy who I thought was my new doctor who ended up being the chemo doctor. He for some reason thought I refused chemo. I told him that I have no other choice right? What kind of question was that I thought...I asked him how long I would need this chemo and he said until it stops working. Now I don't know what kind of answer that is but I said....Okay.... and at that time he told me that he was going to get the paperwork for the permission to go forward and he would be back.
When I saw my doctor come in after that I was so happy to see her. I jumped up and gave her a hug and she was there with open arms. Its a nice relationship I have with her so far. She said to sit down she had something to ask me. She told me that she didn't think I needed chemo right now for these reasons:
She said that they removed the lump and what remains is in my bones and it should be the slowest growing kind. It should be slow growing enough that I shouldn't need chemo. Basically that no other places in my body are affected so we should go with it until I feel worse or until I tell her I feel it somewhere else. Trust me, I feel it, where it is... Every place it is inside my bones I can feel it. But it isn't in my lungs or liver. That is a great thing to be able to say. I need to be able to say I am very happy about that.
I will continue to get scans every 3-6 months and until I feel bad or tell her that I feel it somewhere else she wont need to scan me until the scheduled times.
She even said if it was her she would decided not to have chemo. It is up to me if I wanted it now then I could have it. I don't though. Who would?
So for now it that is where I stand. I couldn't be happier. My mom and sister couldn't be happier as we were all fixing to shave our heads to donate our hair. Now we are all going to get it cut and styled... and couldn't be more excited about it.
I will take what I can get and not complain about it. I will take the happy times and enjoy every minute of it. I just got the paperwork for my scan and I go June 2 to get scans that basically will show if I have any spots on my liver or lungs. I keep the prayers going and I keep strong in mind, body, and soul. I know that I was just given great news and trust me, when dealing with this there is no good news....ever. Like I said, we ask no questions, and we enjoy the little things. Its so much more special to slow down and smell the flowers. In my case I was forced to.
Love and Prayers,
Renee B.

I am coming up on yet another doctor that is going to take over my care. The one I truly like is the highest on the totem pole but at times I do speak with other doctors. I am studied more than you can imagine. I am such a rare case that they read everything there is on me. Study me. I used to feel like a science experiment. You begin to feel somewhat like that and its makes you paranoid whether you are getting the care you need or are they just interested in getting the numbers. I have felt like that before. I changed. Needless to say I asked if she knows anyone that specializes in Advanced care. We will see. I have had good and bad when it comes to my health care. I can say that my surgeons have been excellent. If I would have had to pick, I would have picked to have the more experienced surgeon. The one who did my hysterectomy was the most experienced in the area at the laprascopic(sp?) type of surgery. I have had to deal with so many different sides of this. It had been enough to drive any individual crazy. I will write more, like the methadone that I was put on for pain, and the constant withdrawl that I experienced, or the meds that switch and make me sick on almost every meal, or the bones in my body that contain disease and are being eaten away. This is what the chemo is coming in for. I will be assigned a chemo doctor on top of the new oncologist and so its going to be a bunch of new faces. I have faith that I am being sent the people I need to take care of me. For the longest I was only sent people who had the same name of people in my immediate family. I know that wasn't a coincidence. I have faith. Its one thing I keep close, and my ability to heal quickly from things.. I sleep. I sleep. Fingers crossed.. moving steadily forward.
RB

Connections

I have recently been made aware of more and more people that I can connect with for a support system. I am aware that talking with others who are in your situation is a good thing. Sometimes it is very difficult to find others. I have had a very hard time finding other stage 4 women out there. Even Stage 3.
When I felt I had those few people who really cared for me as a support system it has made a difference. Its better to have people who genuinely care rather than the ones who don't really care and don't worry past their own lives. Its a kind of person we all know and are civil too. Just because someone is a certain way to you doesn't mean you should be that way back. What good does that do? Does it make you any better? Having toxic relationships keeps us from possibly connecting closer with another person or can effect us in ways we may not even realize. We must choose to be better. We must recognize the moments when that other person chooses to act ugly. I say ugly because that pretty much covers all the bad stuff. Envy, greed, anger, and so on. Ugliness. Choose not to be ugly. If you see yourself going down that path then recognize it. It means that some part of you is waking up in there and wants better for yourself. Follow your heart. That is your heart talking to you. It knows the answer to where your happiness comes from. Listen sometimes even if it is new.
Not doing so can hinder years of growth and loss of family, friends, and countless memories that you could have. also You cant force anyone. At least your are trying to mend. Neglecting ourselves is only ignoring your inner self and prolongs the pain. Just try listening.
We also need to understand that others may not be on the same level as we are. Others may not be on the same wavelength, level, mentally or spiritually that you are and they just cant understand where you are coming from. It is not within their brain power to understand. They haven't learned enough yet. That is where patience comes in. Maybe just maybe that person will come around sometime and it would have been worth your patience. And if not we smile and not try to kill ourselves over why someone else acts a certain way. Its not worth the time you waste. Once you yourself come around on your own lessons and realizes what time you have wasted on certain things then it will help you know how much you have learned and recognize the times when you choose to be better, and nicer, and more understanding.

Chill today,
Renee

Learning Process

There is no doubt that I am learning a lot. From medical, to spiritual, to holistic, to internal, to family dynamics, to everything else under the sun and then more things you never even thought of. I take it all in stride. I am about to hear about my chemo. I say that I am ready with all the force I can. In the back of my mind I am scared though. I know I am strong, but I also know that somewhere in there I am scared the wimp in me will show up and not be able to handle what is going on. I get overwhelmed when I think of that situation too much. I end up taking it day by day. I got the bill for my radiation. Its over 50K. And with a healthy bill of 2-3K a month for medicine, we are having a fine time keeping everything going and staying with our heads above water. I haven't even done chemo yet remember...lol.. Its nothing to me. I know the value of me being on this earth with my kids and whatever it takes is what is going to be done. I am not scared when I put it in those terms or think of it on that level. I have no plans to leave my kids and my husband behind when they need me. There is no question where I am supposed to be. I love life right now and I plan to enjoy these beautiful days that we have been so kindly given. Love. Live. Learn!