Time's A Wastin

I know that I am doing all I can. I have been comforted by every single doctor I have that there is nothing more I could be doing for myself than what I am already doing. I feel like I am just wasting time though.
I have my dreams on hold to take care of myself 100% with no other focus. I am really at the end of waiting for things to happens. I don't like my fate in other peoples hands. I am in charge of what happens to me and I am more than excited that maybe when they fix my other leg I will be able to be on my feet again. I can go do the things I want to do without worrying about if my pain will be an issue. I also don't like to interrupt others day with having to wait for me. I know that it isn't an issue for anybody that I have around me. They would do anything for me. I know that. I just want to do as much for myself as I can.
We have been getting the house ready for when I come home. I wont have any obstacles. Whether I have to have a walker or crutches for a while, I will need the space to use these items to get me around. I wont pull a wheelchair out unless there is a bunch of walking that day. Like the zoo, or the other day Chris wheeled me around for my xray. It was on the bottom floor and my doctor appointment is on another floor so there would be a lot of walking.
All I know is I am ready to know what they are going to do, how it will effect me, and when I will be able to be 100 miles and runnin again. Oh because you better believe that I will.
Love to all,
Renee B.

Deja Vu

I went to my appointment on Wed of last week. I had to go to the xray first so by the time I went to the see the doctor then she would have seen what was wrong with me. There is a massive fracture in my left femur now and they were so afraid of it snapping that they wanted to admit me through the emergency room at that moment. Mostly for the pain it was causing me not because they were going to operate on me that minute.
I am still going to have surgery very quickly on this one. I am not totally sure what they are going to do at this point but I am scared. The surgery was the worst pain I have ever had in my life. This time I have a team of pain management doctors that will be there for me and I am comforted by that.
I was told to be there Monday morning at 5am. I am happy I did not spend the weekend there I know they wanted to install the pain pump right then and there though. Its time to take care of this no matter what.
Renee

All In A Day Of Pain

I am still waiting to find out what is causing my pain. I am wondering if it is something new or just pain from existing conditions that I am dealing with. I have dealt with pain during this whole thing but I haven't had it break me down and have me in the bed all day curled up. This time I have had a few days like that. The pills are starting to make me sick every time I take them so I am never really fully covered by the pain medicine that I am supposed to be to be taking. I end up getting sick before it ever kicks in. I know that its a battle that I am in fighting everyday for my life but its getting where I cant go a single day without having this pain stop me in my tracks and take me out of the world of normal everyday and puts me into the world of taking 3-4 steps at a time while running to a seat so I can have relief for my leg. I go to the doctor on Wed. to have an x-ray to see what is going on. I will go take it before my appt and I will find out what is wrong this time. I am tired of crying I know that much....but my strength remains!

IN YOUR FACE CANCER

I would like to say in your face cancer. Today I turned 33 and I was never supposed to turn 30 according to the first doctor I talked to after I was diagnosed. SO IN YOUR FACE CANCER!
Renee B.

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH

I have a message to my fellow women out there. First of all I want you to know you are beautiful. You deserve every bit of love you give out. I know just like me, we all do our best and that is all that we know to do.
One thing that is hard for us at times is to ask for help. We do everything for everyone but never ourselves. We take care of every person, we do deeds for others all the time but never see that we need to take care of ourselves. Women sacrifice way too much and for way to long. It time that we start thinking about ourselves again. In a good way, too.
It seems that no one notices the mom that is overworked, or the woman that has gone without so her kids can have. Why is that? I think that we are so used to seeing that type of thing that we treat it like its nothing. Its not fair for us to have to get used to. Its the truth. Most of us do it for so long we don't even realize it anymore.
I am trying to speak for moms, wives, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, and any other women that doesn't put herself first at least one weekend a month, one day a week, or at least an hour a day. I want you to remember yourself and start a trend of teaching the little women of the family to take care of themselves as a part of the family not killing yourself taking care of your family. We do it because we saw our mothers and grandmothers doing it so we did it too. Its time to break the cycle. Then there will be no chance for later stages of cancer not being caught early. They will have taken the steps the care for themselves early enough to know themselves and everything they should be doing to take care of theirselves their whole lives.
Renee B.

Support for Family

So much feels out of control when one is diagnosed with cancer. For me, it was that major worst case scenario. The worst diagnosis one could possibly get, I got. The bad news has just been coming steady every since. I know that I would hope to help others know what to do when their loved ones get diagnosed since I have lived through it for 3 years so far.

I know that what I had was a major sense of spinning out of control. The first thing I can remember is that I had to give up working. Unlike others I actually enjoyed working and earning a living. I worked doing something I loved. I remember the first person that suggested that I file for disability. I actually got mad. I screamed at them that I was NOT disabled. I associated that term with someone that is completely unable to do anything at all. I don't know how else I thought of it other than that I didn't think it applied to me. I then thought about the previous months that I had been working. The misery that I experienced just getting up and going to work was horrible. It was very hard for me to leave working. I loved my work. It was funny because of the amount of pillows and things like that I ended up bringing home at the end because I was trying to make myself comfortable.

I ended up getting approved faster than most have seen because of how detailed I made my disability report. Some of the people I have spoken with can not believe that I was approved so quickly because some have been waiting years. Although I did get approved quickly because of the nature of my claim, and the fact that it was expedited through. I did have to wait for the processing and the payments to start. So it was 6-8 months for that to happen after I got approved.

I cant tell you the adversity Chris and I went through during that time. That was probably the worst because we struggled more than we ever have, even when we were young. The family would hold garage sales and things like that but it only went so far. I have had some of my family come through for me as well. Whether it be Aunt Judy that is there for me in every way, or my mom and sister who come and take me to every appointment so I don't have to be alone, or Aunt Carol bringing me lunch once or twice, or others that would donate to me in other ways such as gift cards or prayers of some kind. Aunt Janet and Uncle Jorge, my grandma, and Aunt Mary Margaret have sent prayers of love and care my way and have been there for me. Even still, it is but a mere drop in the bucket to what I could be making if I was working. I know that. Chris and I have had to simplify life in many ways. To tell you the truth we have done it. When it comes down to it, we have had time thrown in our faces, we really just value being together. He handles stress like a steam engine because he has really been a great person and caregiver to me.

I think if you are faced with having to file for disability, the more detailed you can be the better. Remember that doctors are going to be reading what you write, and it has to make sense to them. Also helping getting things mailed off or faxed in will be a big deal. Your loved one will have enough stress just filling the thing out and going through major treatments or medicines or whatever, so helping them getting things off in the mail or whatever it is, that would be great for them as well.

Even though mine was an office job, the tumor I had caused major discomfort because of the placement on my spine. It fooled my chiropractor for months while he was treating me for sciatica, all the while I had Stage 4 Cancer. It was St 4 because by the time they caught it, it had spread already to my spine. S1 and S2 is where it started spreading to at first. No one can prepare a person for something like that. I also had a lump that you could feel in my left breast. When I was examined I was told that I was too young to have breast cancer and there was no real sense of urgency from them. I was only 29 years old.

A since of normalcy I would have given up anything for. On top of that I lost my brand new mustang GT for which I saved and saved up for. We finally put our money into the car we wanted and when prescriptions alone are thousands a month, I was unable to keep my brand new car. So again it was another thing for me that felt it was ripped from me. After that I just lost it. I didn't eat for 8 months straight all the while having terrible pain shooting down my legs and down my back. Nerve pain and the first radiation made me so sick in the beginning too. I couldn't cook, or clean. Taking care of my family was just another thing I couldn't do. It made me crazy because being a mother and having a family is what I have prided my life on and all the sudden I could not do any of it. On top of that all the people I loved the most seemed started fading from my life more and more. I didn't do anything wrong to have this diagnosis on me. I didn't know why the people I loved stopped coming around.

I know it could not have been easy for anyone around me. People were in such a shock that I got more and more disbelief than I did empathy or compassion. I know that on top of everything that I was prescribed the wrong medication in the beginning. I had severe withdrawing that made me miserable. It was every 8 hours that I would have cold sweats and shakes. It was a miserable thing to experience.

The only thing I can tell someone who has a close family member who is experiencing chaos like this is to provide as much of normal life as you can for them. Help them with their medicines and refills. Help them not have to worry about dinners or cleaning. Help the kids with their homework. Help getting to church. Normal everyday things. Reminding that person that they are a person!! It is most important. It is so important for you to make them feel like they are a fighter and they are not going anywhere. Make sure that they know you are there for them, even if it is just to hang out and do nothing. It makes a difference. We need to be able to talk things out. So much goes on in the medical world that it is difficult to keep up with all the choices one may have in their treatment plan. It may help for you to help them with research and information. Make sure that you do not throw it in their face. Let them look at it at their own pace and their own time. I know that I didn't want all this information clouding my head on "what if's"....

The last thing I can think to say is that you may offer help and be refused several times. Just know if the person tells you they don't need help, they definitely do. Sometimes its hard...and I can tell you first hand that I needed my loved ones so bad and I felt alone. I did not ask for help, I didn't think I needed to. I felt that my info was already pretty much out there for everyone to know about and I felt that if people couldn't figure that out then I could not help them. It should have been obvious.

You could not believe the horrors I have faced and the strength of my family. I don't know how we have pushed through for as long as we have. We only continue to grow closer and get stronger daily. We have also seen the caring that strangers can give. It brings a certain hope and love and knowledge that you are loved and prayed for by most people that don't know you and have never met you. They have only heard about you. I have been praised with such a strength and bravery by others who root for me from afar and care for me through someone else.

All I can do I go on being me. I try to take what I learn everyday and live. Just live!

Gardening

Its been so hot! I have already had a preminition that this summer is going to be so very hot. I know that it is going to be. I have been gardening as well. I picked flowers that attract butterflies so I could have them flying around the yard. I also picked flowers that can last in the hotness. I know bees come around too but I have seen more butterflies than bees for sure.
I absolutely love the quiet time gardening can bring. Its pleasant. I have made sure that I have flowers all around my whole porch, around my trees, and along the side of the yard. I also discovered wild blueberries and raspberries growing in the backyard and along the fence in the front. It is so cool.