Memorial

Hi Guys,

Its been a while since I posted on my wifes blog due to me getting her memorial together. It was really hard to say goodbye to my wife in front of everyone since we never did share are most inner thoughts. The memorial was all how I planned it, I hope Renee was proud of me. Father Michael was gratious enough to precide over her memorial which meant the world to me and my family. A Father who knew us and especially knew my wife. Words of comfort I have been waiting to hear for 4 years since holding all emotions inside because I did not want to have Renee see me panic or scarred. Everyone that loved and cared for Renee was there and the ones who couldn't make it were sending prayers by the masses. Man I love and miss my wife, I am still in complete shock that shes gone. I feel her even now around me and I want to go fix her pillows or get her some juice. The nights are the worst for me, Im used to hearing Bebe I need your help and I dont hear that anymore. I hope my wife is taking a great journey in Heaven and saving a spot up their for me Right now though I have to fullfill her promise and get our son to graduate high school. So the past sunday my mother called and asked if were going to church and I just wasnt in the mood, then I rolled over and saw the hundreds of pictures I put on the wall and I heard her say Get UP so I did and church was like home only warmer.

To my wife

Hi Guys, If you didnt already know my wife passed away yesterday fighting this Cancer and my girl cheated death twice. Know this all the nurses and doctors were the best I have seen and they put her in the best suite and what a view of downtown. You should have seen the glow in her eyes when we held hands and watch the sunset. Man that was priceless. I am not bitter my wife is gone cause I know she is with our Lord and loved ones. I saw it myself. I made the choice for thr doctors to release my tulip. She would have done the same for me. I didnt tell you guys last night when I was in bed and my daughter was sleeping with me and I couldnt sleep cause I kept smelling her. I was in pitch black and I kept saying bebe where are you??? I felt her! All this support and prayers is all she was striving for. You guys dont know our privite moments when we would not say anything but just talking with our minds and laughing. At her last moments when I made the final decision that Renee went out with no pain and was a soft exhale. I kissed my tulip all over and gave her my butterfly kisses on her nose. Man her smell of love was and is still intoxicating and drives me crazy even now. I just welded my wedding ring to my finger! I will make her spirit live forever so help me God!

My Wife

Hi Im Renees husband Chris and I will be posting updates for my wife from now on. The latest on her condition is that her heatlh has taken a turn for the worse. She is very weak and it is hard for her to think clearly anymore. She is the toughest person I have ever met and I am lost without her. I have taken a leave of absense from work to be by her side from here on no matter what. There has been overwhelming support from family, my mom which rae sees as her mother, Janet and George, Mrs. Caster, My aunt Betty, Jessica her sister and many more. I have never had more faith in God and what his plans are for my wife. I told rae(renee) that our fathers must be starting bar fights in heaven and the Lord needs her to settle them down. I am trying to hold it together for my wife and kids but man it is overwhelming and I never tell my feelings but I can hear rae tell me "I need to update my blog" so here I am cause I know her friends and family that can't see her or talked to her are worried. She is in good hands, I already told her that I will be at her side and melt with her. Isnt that what marriage is all about? Thick and thin, whatever happens to be at eachothers side? She has taught me to be the man that I am and noone will ever take her place ever! She is MY HEART and you need your heart to stay alive. Just remember Renee's favorite verse: Be still and know that I am God, maybe this will bring you comfort.....


More to come I promise.

ReneeBravo.com

For new postings after October 16, 2010 you will need to visit www.reneebravo.com. I haven't changed anything but the web address. I have more tools with this site and the hope I will be able to reach even more women. Check it out and let me know what you think!



Peace and love to you all!

Renee B.

Cowboys vs. Tennessee

I really wanted to share that my husband and I are 2 out of 100 chosen out of 20,000 entries that are going to be a part of the Susan G. Komen halftime show at this weekends Dallas Cowboys football game. Chris and I will be representing for all the Breast Cancer people from across all the states. We are being picked up on the Cowboys bus, get to watch the game from the Miller Lite Suite at the new stadium and will be walking on the field during the halftime show!

We could not be more excited about this especially at the new stadium. It is expensive these days with the new stadium and all so it will be nice to get our first trip to the new billion dollar stadium to be such a great memory but I will get pictures for sure!

Also Amb. Nancy Brinker will be in the building doing the coin toss at the game so she will actually be in the building. For those who don't know who she is, she is the founder of Susan G. Komen foundation itself. Its an honor to be in the halftime show she is putting on with Jerry Jones in honor of kicking off the first Sunday of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

When we found out we were chosen it was a blessing all in itself. I cant wait, I know I keep saying that but I really mean it. I want to represent for all the women who fight everyday and don't get credit for what they go through. I am here to give you credit and say to you, Keep Fighting, Keep Shining, and do not give up no matter what. It is a new day everyday and don't be afraid to get up and try again because of it. I know every women out there has the strength in them to do it. Yes you have hard days, yes you cry, yes you have to get mad and get it all out so that you can move on and get things done.

I am st the beginning of my radiation for my spine and my left leg. I thought it was my shoulder but no, its my spine. They will be doing my shoulder later. So I say that I am going to get it done, and zap this crap right out of my body!

Anyway, besides it making me tired, I am really responding well to this radiation. I am not scarring, or scabbing, or burning on my skin yet so I have my fingers cross that I wont have to go through that again.

Peace and love,
Renee B.

The xrays I had last week of September came back with a fracture in my shoulder. I knew it was hurting but wasn't sure it had gotten to that point of a fracture. The cancer in my bones is responsible for that and I know that I will have more pain before I get relief.

I found this out when I was at my consultation for my radiation so the only good thing that came out of this is I will be able to do my shoulder radiation at the same time as my leg radiation. Its 10 treatments as well. I am at very happy that I wont have to wait for my leg radiation to be done before I started on my shoulder.

So I have had first appointment and I get my schedule and my first treatment on my next visit. I already know what to expect pretty much so this should blow by and be a breeze. My chest radiation was 39 treatments so 10 doesn't feel so long or wont burn me as bad as this time. I guess we shall see...

Why I Always Believe

I have had the roughest past few months than I have had in a long time. Its been a long time since I can remember myself questioning my place and if I am going in the right direction and if the blog was helping anyone and if I should continue to write and if it was doing any good in this world.
It was only a few days until I got an email on my facebook from the National Breast Cancer Foundation asking if I wanted to be a part of a project they have coming up. I am in the middle of details and meeting. Needless to say that just the simple sign from above that I am doing what I need to be doing. Lead and I shall follow are my prayers tonight!!

Renee B

I had a day full of appointments today. I went for one scheduled appointment originally knowing that there were other things I needed to take care of. I knew that if they could be so kind to fit me while I was there that I would stay. I needed my chemo and also needed to see my nutritionist, the social worker, and the counselor who ended up popping in at the end.

I was pleased to go today which is an unusual thing for me most of the time. I have been forced to hear bad news at each and every doctor visit. For the first years I struggled to get over that part of it. There are 2 sides to every story and there is another side to looking at going to these doctor visits. I finally realized that although the doctors have to deliver the bad news, it is something that has to be done so that you can get to the healing part. I also realized that these teams of doctors are also trying to save me so I need to go and no matter what I hear. I now decide to turn the nervous energy into a positive place. It is something that you have to do if you want to move forward with your treatments.

I am lucky that I absolutely love my team of doctors., I haven't always been able to say that. I am lucky that I can say that now. I had an instinct that would tell me if this was the doctor for me or not. There are some who talk to you as if you are already dead and others that don't talk to you at all, just tell you what to take. I am the type of girl that need information. I think knowledge is power and if you are going through anything like this, the more information you know the better of you are and the better off your treatment plan is or can be. I know that my fellow women out there and are smart enough to know when and where you can find the answers to the questions you are looking for. Email me, we will try and find it together...so anyway I did take myself to the doctor, drove, parked crazy far because there was no
parking in handicap. I walked all the way in there and to be honest I times my meds just right to be working perfectly while I was having to walk and talk to everyone. I was so pleased to see everyone especially the main doctor I was there to see. She truly is one of my angels and I do love going to see her. Maybe that is another reason I was able to turn my thinking around when it comes to going to my appointments. Anyway, I stayed to take care of everything I needed to which included xrays on my shoulder and neck. I can say now that it takes alot out of me when I give my all like that. I have to learn how to proportion myself out or something..lol... But no, my leg hurt the next days, maybe from the walking, and I was sore no doubt. I was so excited at the time that I ignore all and go for the goal, get the job done. That is how it has to be. Well I think I posted early so sorry if it sent you multiple messages to my followers. Prayers to all!

Renee Bravo

Its Friday today. I have tried to do nothing but relax today. Yesterday was very traumatizing. The last thing in the day that happened was we had tornado touch down not blocks from the house. I was outside just a few minutes before and saw the hook cloud. It is the beginnings of a tornado for people who live outside of Texas. This same hook cloud was what formed the tornado that ended up tearing off roofs of buildings. These were big concrete warehouse buildings and big semi trucks that just got picked up like it was nothing. No one was killed thank the Good Lord. It rained so much. It was remnants of the tropical storm that came through. Glad its over with and its Friday today needless to say. I spent the day at home with my dogs.

As for my medical issues lately, I figured out today that one of my incisions had a small infection so I know why I have had extra pain since my surgery. Instant relief came after getting it all cleaned up and its already healing nicely. It ended up being a piece of a stitch that was as small as a millimeter. I got it out though. I have had pains in my chest here and there. I wont know anything about that until I get another scan. I am able to go in spurts when it comes to walking or doing anything that requires energy or effort. I still do it. There is nothing that is going to keep me down. I will always get back up. I will always try again. I will never stop. I will not back down for any reason, for anyone, ever. I end up healing and I am reminded that yes my body still works when even a tiny piece of stitch is able to push itself out of my body. Its great for me to be reminded of that. Believe it or not, its something that crosses my mind from time to time. I am forced to pay attention to every little thing that happens with my body because its a habit now. I actually cant stand it sometimes. It causes me to worry at times when I don't need to or shouldn't be.

This type of thing can drive you crazy if you let it. Every pain, every burning or tingling I have, headaches I get, it could be just about anything. I do know the different pains though. The cancer pain, the bone cancer pain, the nerve pain, and the aching are all different kinds of pain. They all stack up on top of each other and a lot of times that is what I take and endure all the while smiling for everyone so THEY wont be uncomfortable. I think I am making it easier for others, but all that does is make them think that I am just cruising through life with no worries. It ends up working against me in the long run because all people do is gossip. I even had one aunt accuse me of "faking" it. Can you believe that? Well I couldn't make this stuff up. So its just one more person that smiles to my face and talks about me behind my back. You see I have a huge family and I would say that most of them are too busy with their own lives to even bother with me. I have my husband and my 2 kids and my grandmother who really give me support. My aunt Judy and my Uncle Crae are very important to me as well. When I say support it doesn't mean coming to bow down and worship me. I am thankful for just a simple phone call or email just saying hi, and I'm thinking of you. I can testify that when you think that your family doesn't care or you are hurt by the rudeness of family, even moms, dads, brothers or sisters, anyone in your life who abandons you after your diagnosis, the Lord will send you people to replace those others. You will get new friends, new doctors, nurses, fellow patients, counselors, and the list goes on....the ugly will be replaced with joy and love from places you never expected and at times when your not even looking for it or paying attention. Don't give up is the important thing. Never give up. Say every single day "I am not going anywhere", and your body will respond. Faith is a great tool at this time.

That doesn't even scratch the surface of all the things that I go through on a daily basis. I am gathering up the courage to type the latest report that I got from my body scan. They listed all the places that this cancer lurks inside me. Very hard to hear. I can tell you that I could have written that report myself because I feel it inside me. Its trippy to actually see it on the scan, and heart wrenching to hear it confirmed. I let myself cry about it and then I move on. I challenge anyone to hear that type of thing and not cry about it. It will never make me give up, or back down. This cancer picked the wrong person to mess with!

I'm kicking ass people. Join me won't you! Love and peace to everyone. Sending angels and prayers, send them back!

Renee Bravo

I haven't written anything in a few weeks. So much has been going on that I have been trying to work out. Its been a confusing time in my life. I have been very aware that there is big changes going on in my life and I am just adjusting to everything the best way I can. I keep my strength and I keep my prayers with me at all times. No one can penetrate my zone when it comes to that. I have a fierce aura and I block all negative energy and send it back. I am becoming wiser. I plan to share with you the lessons I am learning and have been through. Its the best way to get it out there so no one has to be hurt or confused just so they can be happy again. I just want to be happy. Seems like too much to ask at times, but you know what... if anything I will make sure of its that. I will be happy everyday, no matter what! Join me wont you!


Love to all,
Renee B.

What Cancer CAN NOT Do!

Update on left leg

Things with my leg have been much different than with my right leg. The reason being that my left leg included my hip that had issues too. My right leg did not have that. So I am healing a leg that has issues in the hip and its much more painful and is taking longer to heal. No matter what I always keep a positive attitude and I say that I am doing well. The Lord let me wake up another day and I can not complain about it. Most people I know already have made their peace with losing me. When I hear that I just shake my head because I am not going anywhere. It seems like people give up on you before you give up on you. What does that tell me? Like I said, I know who loves me, I know who is my friend, and I need and want prayers from all of those who are willing to send me positive vibes and prayers that will help me heal and help me get up and be on my feet for longer than 5 minutes at a time. I was unable to even stand at all so being able to stay on my feel for longer than 5 minutes is a great thing for me. Its an accomplishment all the same. I am a cheer leading team of 1 and I root for myself with all the greatness of the world on my shoulders. I have love that overpowers the haters. I have way more friends, and peaceful people who send me love and I know it cancels out all the haters who dont care about me one bit. I never said I needed everyone to support me. If someone feels that way I didnt need them anyway, plain and simple. I have cut all drama from my life. Love is all I need!
Renee B.
Lover not a Fighter!

Nerve Pinch

One of the things they did to me while I was in the hospital was a nerve block. They tried to do a spinal block which caused them to push on my spine to make sure which bone was which. It was all good until they got to my lower spine and they pushed so hard on the part where my tumors are that I went into my surgery crying. They were not able to do it through my spine after all that, they ended up doing a groin nerve pinch which just meant that it was on my upper thigh on the inside. They ended up being successful with that, but it ended up meaning that I did not regain full control of my leg until about 2 days. I couldnt feel anything, I guess that was a good thing. So since I went into my surgery crying, I woke up crying as well. It was a tough experience to go through, and I am just not able to speak about it. I could not believe how hard they pressed on my back, it made my leg tingle which was weird. So that is one part I can share with you right now. I try not to remember the difficult times, but if I dont share them everyone thinks that what I go through isnt hard or difficult just because I dont complain. I take everything in stride and I deal with it if I have to. I dont think anyone appreciates the simplicity of that but I do. I have faith and I will never complain about what I am dealing with. Its life, I deal with it day by day just like everyone else.

Judgemental

I have been through a lot this year. Many people have shown their true colors in my life when I dont do anything to anyone but try to live another day. For some reason family is a subject in my life I never thought I would have a problem with. Maybe by me not thinking I had anything to worry about something went wrong. All I know is if I told you that I had family members texting me ugly messages while I was in the hospital for 5 days would you bellieve it. I did. Close family members too. It was not ok and I do not appreciate how judgemental everyone seems to be all the sudden. I have always said that I am here for anyone, anytime but since my diagnosis, no one really talks to me about their problems or issues. I guess they dont want to add anything to what I am already going through. I keep in contact with my real friends and people that know and love me or me and I am fine with that. I dont judge anyone, and I dont spread gossip although that is what every hater tries to do to me. For some reason I have a problem in my life when it comes to some people. I have always said that if you dont want me in your life that its fine with me, I have really seen that jumping to conclusions and being judgemental about someone is definately the wrong thing to do. Maybe remembering that everyone is going through something and maybe smiling at others instead of being scared to talk to people maybe would make this world a little better place.

Hottness

It has been so hott that I really havent been anywhere or attempted to go do any walking. I talked about talking my girl to Six Flags or something fun before summer runs out but I feel like its been way to hot. Chris and I have other things in mind, air conditioned things like the Planeterium, or the Imax should be fun to do. Chris has worried about me walking around too much which is something I dont think about when planning fun. I dont think about limitations when having fun, who does? Well I will let you know what happens..

Doing Better

My leg is doing better. I know that from before when I could only take a couple of steps at a time. I decided to use crutches this time after my surgery instead of a walker. This time it was different even though they did the same surgery, they went about it differently than they did with my other leg. They cut in a different place, they used a nerve pinch this time on my leg and they didn't do that last time. The thing that is left to hurt now is the hardware that they installed in my leg which is actually bolted to my knee and my hip. It is fusing as we speak. It hurts. I also have jerking that happens sometimes and if I am sitting wrong it jerks sideways kinda and it hurts too. I don't know how else to go about getting better except to do it slowly and carefully. I haven't been getting up much but when I do I try slowly to put full weight on my leg. Slowly but surely. The right leg I was able to put full weight on my leg in a couple days. This time its taking a couple weeks. The break was in a different place and everything so I know its not going to be the same. I am going in for my radiation planning meeting very soon. I am told I am going to have about 10 treatments. Same as I had on my right leg. I know what to expect this time. I am keeping the faith that the pain will cease to exist when all that is over with. I had my eyes on finishing the surgery so much that I forgot completely about radiation. Guess I know that I need to get it over with and I will be happy to that is for sure!

Home From Hospital

Hello to all! I am officially home from the hospital and able to sit up just enough to write something down for you real quick. I ended up having a rod installed in my left leg just like my right one. They went about it in different ways which was sorta strange to me. I did my best in there and its such a long story that I am sure I will have to get to it in parts. I did end up going in through emergency after I went to my regular appointment. They didn't want me to leave because they feared I may injure my leg even further before they could fix it. I ended up staying for days and days.
So much happened over the weekend. I have had a real wake up call in a lot of ways and I'm not sure how it happened or why. I'm not going to take too many things at a time which I feel some around me are trying to force me to do.
The thing is I know how hard it is to take care of me. I take care of me every day. I am a fighter and I have enough left in me to know what I want and what I don't want, and how I am going to be treated and how I am not going to be treated. I just think life is way to short for bull and I definitely know that I don't have any time to waste with drama. I am starting to realize everyday more about myself and the people around me. Remember guys, it doesn't only take family around you as a care and support system. My husband has been the biggest rock there is, but outside of home I am really going to start trying to be support for others as I look for support as well. I am going to have fresh conversation about things from fresh eyes even if it is a message board or posting on someones page. I have been invited to be a part of several medical pages and I am going to start being a part of that. I know it will help others and that is my main goal, with a second goal of conversing with someone who TRULY knows what I am going through because they are going through it too. Well I'm tired and I'm going to rest. I have a treatment in the morning and oyeah, I will be having a consult for radiation early next week. So all in all if I can get the pain under control with all those other things in mind I think its a good start.
Peace and Love,
RENEE B <3

Time's A Wastin

I know that I am doing all I can. I have been comforted by every single doctor I have that there is nothing more I could be doing for myself than what I am already doing. I feel like I am just wasting time though.
I have my dreams on hold to take care of myself 100% with no other focus. I am really at the end of waiting for things to happens. I don't like my fate in other peoples hands. I am in charge of what happens to me and I am more than excited that maybe when they fix my other leg I will be able to be on my feet again. I can go do the things I want to do without worrying about if my pain will be an issue. I also don't like to interrupt others day with having to wait for me. I know that it isn't an issue for anybody that I have around me. They would do anything for me. I know that. I just want to do as much for myself as I can.
We have been getting the house ready for when I come home. I wont have any obstacles. Whether I have to have a walker or crutches for a while, I will need the space to use these items to get me around. I wont pull a wheelchair out unless there is a bunch of walking that day. Like the zoo, or the other day Chris wheeled me around for my xray. It was on the bottom floor and my doctor appointment is on another floor so there would be a lot of walking.
All I know is I am ready to know what they are going to do, how it will effect me, and when I will be able to be 100 miles and runnin again. Oh because you better believe that I will.
Love to all,
Renee B.

Deja Vu

I went to my appointment on Wed of last week. I had to go to the xray first so by the time I went to the see the doctor then she would have seen what was wrong with me. There is a massive fracture in my left femur now and they were so afraid of it snapping that they wanted to admit me through the emergency room at that moment. Mostly for the pain it was causing me not because they were going to operate on me that minute.
I am still going to have surgery very quickly on this one. I am not totally sure what they are going to do at this point but I am scared. The surgery was the worst pain I have ever had in my life. This time I have a team of pain management doctors that will be there for me and I am comforted by that.
I was told to be there Monday morning at 5am. I am happy I did not spend the weekend there I know they wanted to install the pain pump right then and there though. Its time to take care of this no matter what.
Renee

All In A Day Of Pain

I am still waiting to find out what is causing my pain. I am wondering if it is something new or just pain from existing conditions that I am dealing with. I have dealt with pain during this whole thing but I haven't had it break me down and have me in the bed all day curled up. This time I have had a few days like that. The pills are starting to make me sick every time I take them so I am never really fully covered by the pain medicine that I am supposed to be to be taking. I end up getting sick before it ever kicks in. I know that its a battle that I am in fighting everyday for my life but its getting where I cant go a single day without having this pain stop me in my tracks and take me out of the world of normal everyday and puts me into the world of taking 3-4 steps at a time while running to a seat so I can have relief for my leg. I go to the doctor on Wed. to have an x-ray to see what is going on. I will go take it before my appt and I will find out what is wrong this time. I am tired of crying I know that much....but my strength remains!