I often wonder if any of the feelings I had before I was diagnosed had any effect on me enough to spark some of the self destruction I experienced. I had a great life. I have a great life now. It was the transistion inbetween and accepting and realizations. I was doing what my plan dictated. My goals were being reached. I had it all. All is a big word. Having it all means a different thing to all of us. Having it all for me used to be really simple. Having my family, my home, and the tools we need for everyday was enough for me at the moment. Like I said, I was in control. I had the car I wanted, the job I wanted, the money I wanted, the friends and family I wanted, the respect I wanted, and I lost it all in a matter of days.
During all that, I was carrying around so much. I tried to please everyone around me. I had best friends, who I thought were best friends, who I tried to please by just doing everything they wanted and agreeing all the time to what they wanted. I was a pleaser. I think a little to much. I just wanted to be liked and cared about. I try to be helpful to a fault. I think that was part of my downfall with these relationships. I tried to make them proud of me and they thought I was showing off. Those typed of responses aren't friends. And if any of that sounds familiar, family or not, the relationship is about to fall through. Sorry to say, unless you are able to talk about it, both of you, then it wont get any better. Dont be surprised when you think you are soooo close with someone or a couple and when you want to talk it out they dont even want to talk or end up being ugly to you like they never even cared to begin with. That can be more hurtful to but again, all part of the game from posers who act like friends. All they are here to do really is hurt, and be dark. No more dark for me, I only tie myself into the light, I am the light, I breathe it in, and let it absorb all around me. The brightest whitest light you can imagine. Thats what kills the hate. Light. Love. Life.
I now know that by thinking I was so in control, I wasnt in control of anything at all. It was stripped in seconds, so what was I really in control of. I know that if I kept up with how I was going then it was either the career or plan my funeral. I had to slow down and take care of myself, something of which I have never done. Not that I neglected myself, I just never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
I am very knowing of my own mind inside myself and I know that I am aware that I don't have to care about any of this, about anyone, about what ever else goes on with anyone else but myself. I am just not that way. I know I have it within me to care about other people even when I am going through a lot right now. Its not hard to know that I have heart. I care. I am more careful now about who I shower the love and care on. Some people don't like that or want it. They don't feel a family connection with anyone. They are the old hags of the family. Its all good, its takes all kinds you know. Its just another thing I have learned. And hey remember that most of the time family doesn't even act like family. Friends and strangers acts more decent to you sometimes than your brother or sister even. So don't let your troubled relationships get you down. You can only try so hard and compromise so much. Its a hard lesson to learn and can take a lot of tears. It takes even turning away from a brother or sister at times to get the respect you know you give and deserve. No one said it was easy. Take it from me, its not easy at all. Its hard as hell. The other end of the rainbow is worth all the hard work it takes to have real relationships now days. Not fake. Not posers. Not haters. Real people. Genuine people. That is what I am after, that is what I look for now. Loyalty and quality. Great words of the day.
RB
About Renee and my blog!
- Renee Bravo
- Dallas, TEXAS, United States
- I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer at the age of 29 years old. I am a work in progress. I am learning, growing, and trying to raise awareness for Early Detection. I believe in Girl Power and the power of Prayer. I am a mother, a wife, a strong woman in the 30th century. I have zero history in my family, and I have tested negative for the BRCA gene. I should not be facing this right now, but I am. I figure its for a reason. I decided to share my experiences more for awareness but also a place for my family to get updates. I do not send out email updates to anyone, I post it here. Here I am, I hold nothing back. If I ask anything, its to learn something from what I have been through, and make your life better because of it, treat someone better because of it, love someone more genuinely because of it. And most important of all, make sure all the women in your life have regular mammograms or MRI's. No choice. I believe 40 is too long to wait. Women today need to start early. I would love to hear or talk to any of you. God Bless.
