I would like to say in your face cancer. Today I turned 33 and I was never supposed to turn 30 according to the first doctor I talked to after I was diagnosed. SO IN YOUR FACE CANCER!
Renee B.
About Renee and my blog!
- Renee Bravo
- Dallas, TEXAS, United States
- I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer at the age of 29 years old. I am a work in progress. I am learning, growing, and trying to raise awareness for Early Detection. I believe in Girl Power and the power of Prayer. I am a mother, a wife, a strong woman in the 30th century. I have zero history in my family, and I have tested negative for the BRCA gene. I should not be facing this right now, but I am. I figure its for a reason. I decided to share my experiences more for awareness but also a place for my family to get updates. I do not send out email updates to anyone, I post it here. Here I am, I hold nothing back. If I ask anything, its to learn something from what I have been through, and make your life better because of it, treat someone better because of it, love someone more genuinely because of it. And most important of all, make sure all the women in your life have regular mammograms or MRI's. No choice. I believe 40 is too long to wait. Women today need to start early. I would love to hear or talk to any of you. God Bless.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH
I have a message to my fellow women out there. First of all I want you to know you are beautiful. You deserve every bit of love you give out. I know just like me, we all do our best and that is all that we know to do.
One thing that is hard for us at times is to ask for help. We do everything for everyone but never ourselves. We take care of every person, we do deeds for others all the time but never see that we need to take care of ourselves. Women sacrifice way too much and for way to long. It time that we start thinking about ourselves again. In a good way, too.
It seems that no one notices the mom that is overworked, or the woman that has gone without so her kids can have. Why is that? I think that we are so used to seeing that type of thing that we treat it like its nothing. Its not fair for us to have to get used to. Its the truth. Most of us do it for so long we don't even realize it anymore.
I am trying to speak for moms, wives, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, and any other women that doesn't put herself first at least one weekend a month, one day a week, or at least an hour a day. I want you to remember yourself and start a trend of teaching the little women of the family to take care of themselves as a part of the family not killing yourself taking care of your family. We do it because we saw our mothers and grandmothers doing it so we did it too. Its time to break the cycle. Then there will be no chance for later stages of cancer not being caught early. They will have taken the steps the care for themselves early enough to know themselves and everything they should be doing to take care of theirselves their whole lives.
Renee B.
One thing that is hard for us at times is to ask for help. We do everything for everyone but never ourselves. We take care of every person, we do deeds for others all the time but never see that we need to take care of ourselves. Women sacrifice way too much and for way to long. It time that we start thinking about ourselves again. In a good way, too.
It seems that no one notices the mom that is overworked, or the woman that has gone without so her kids can have. Why is that? I think that we are so used to seeing that type of thing that we treat it like its nothing. Its not fair for us to have to get used to. Its the truth. Most of us do it for so long we don't even realize it anymore.
I am trying to speak for moms, wives, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, and any other women that doesn't put herself first at least one weekend a month, one day a week, or at least an hour a day. I want you to remember yourself and start a trend of teaching the little women of the family to take care of themselves as a part of the family not killing yourself taking care of your family. We do it because we saw our mothers and grandmothers doing it so we did it too. Its time to break the cycle. Then there will be no chance for later stages of cancer not being caught early. They will have taken the steps the care for themselves early enough to know themselves and everything they should be doing to take care of theirselves their whole lives.
Renee B.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Support for Family
So much feels out of control when one is diagnosed with cancer. For me, it was that major worst case scenario. The worst diagnosis one could possibly get, I got. The bad news has just been coming steady every since. I know that I would hope to help others know what to do when their loved ones get diagnosed since I have lived through it for 3 years so far.
I know that what I had was a major sense of spinning out of control. The first thing I can remember is that I had to give up working. Unlike others I actually enjoyed working and earning a living. I worked doing something I loved. I remember the first person that suggested that I file for disability. I actually got mad. I screamed at them that I was NOT disabled. I associated that term with someone that is completely unable to do anything at all. I don't know how else I thought of it other than that I didn't think it applied to me. I then thought about the previous months that I had been working. The misery that I experienced just getting up and going to work was horrible. It was very hard for me to leave working. I loved my work. It was funny because of the amount of pillows and things like that I ended up bringing home at the end because I was trying to make myself comfortable.
I ended up getting approved faster than most have seen because of how detailed I made my disability report. Some of the people I have spoken with can not believe that I was approved so quickly because some have been waiting years. Although I did get approved quickly because of the nature of my claim, and the fact that it was expedited through. I did have to wait for the processing and the payments to start. So it was 6-8 months for that to happen after I got approved.
I cant tell you the adversity Chris and I went through during that time. That was probably the worst because we struggled more than we ever have, even when we were young. The family would hold garage sales and things like that but it only went so far. I have had some of my family come through for me as well. Whether it be Aunt Judy that is there for me in every way, or my mom and sister who come and take me to every appointment so I don't have to be alone, or Aunt Carol bringing me lunch once or twice, or others that would donate to me in other ways such as gift cards or prayers of some kind. Aunt Janet and Uncle Jorge, my grandma, and Aunt Mary Margaret have sent prayers of love and care my way and have been there for me. Even still, it is but a mere drop in the bucket to what I could be making if I was working. I know that. Chris and I have had to simplify life in many ways. To tell you the truth we have done it. When it comes down to it, we have had time thrown in our faces, we really just value being together. He handles stress like a steam engine because he has really been a great person and caregiver to me.
I think if you are faced with having to file for disability, the more detailed you can be the better. Remember that doctors are going to be reading what you write, and it has to make sense to them. Also helping getting things mailed off or faxed in will be a big deal. Your loved one will have enough stress just filling the thing out and going through major treatments or medicines or whatever, so helping them getting things off in the mail or whatever it is, that would be great for them as well.
Even though mine was an office job, the tumor I had caused major discomfort because of the placement on my spine. It fooled my chiropractor for months while he was treating me for sciatica, all the while I had Stage 4 Cancer. It was St 4 because by the time they caught it, it had spread already to my spine. S1 and S2 is where it started spreading to at first. No one can prepare a person for something like that. I also had a lump that you could feel in my left breast. When I was examined I was told that I was too young to have breast cancer and there was no real sense of urgency from them. I was only 29 years old.
A since of normalcy I would have given up anything for. On top of that I lost my brand new mustang GT for which I saved and saved up for. We finally put our money into the car we wanted and when prescriptions alone are thousands a month, I was unable to keep my brand new car. So again it was another thing for me that felt it was ripped from me. After that I just lost it. I didn't eat for 8 months straight all the while having terrible pain shooting down my legs and down my back. Nerve pain and the first radiation made me so sick in the beginning too. I couldn't cook, or clean. Taking care of my family was just another thing I couldn't do. It made me crazy because being a mother and having a family is what I have prided my life on and all the sudden I could not do any of it. On top of that all the people I loved the most seemed started fading from my life more and more. I didn't do anything wrong to have this diagnosis on me. I didn't know why the people I loved stopped coming around.
I know it could not have been easy for anyone around me. People were in such a shock that I got more and more disbelief than I did empathy or compassion. I know that on top of everything that I was prescribed the wrong medication in the beginning. I had severe withdrawing that made me miserable. It was every 8 hours that I would have cold sweats and shakes. It was a miserable thing to experience.
The only thing I can tell someone who has a close family member who is experiencing chaos like this is to provide as much of normal life as you can for them. Help them with their medicines and refills. Help them not have to worry about dinners or cleaning. Help the kids with their homework. Help getting to church. Normal everyday things. Reminding that person that they are a person!! It is most important. It is so important for you to make them feel like they are a fighter and they are not going anywhere. Make sure that they know you are there for them, even if it is just to hang out and do nothing. It makes a difference. We need to be able to talk things out. So much goes on in the medical world that it is difficult to keep up with all the choices one may have in their treatment plan. It may help for you to help them with research and information. Make sure that you do not throw it in their face. Let them look at it at their own pace and their own time. I know that I didn't want all this information clouding my head on "what if's"....
The last thing I can think to say is that you may offer help and be refused several times. Just know if the person tells you they don't need help, they definitely do. Sometimes its hard...and I can tell you first hand that I needed my loved ones so bad and I felt alone. I did not ask for help, I didn't think I needed to. I felt that my info was already pretty much out there for everyone to know about and I felt that if people couldn't figure that out then I could not help them. It should have been obvious.
You could not believe the horrors I have faced and the strength of my family. I don't know how we have pushed through for as long as we have. We only continue to grow closer and get stronger daily. We have also seen the caring that strangers can give. It brings a certain hope and love and knowledge that you are loved and prayed for by most people that don't know you and have never met you. They have only heard about you. I have been praised with such a strength and bravery by others who root for me from afar and care for me through someone else.
All I can do I go on being me. I try to take what I learn everyday and live. Just live!
I know that what I had was a major sense of spinning out of control. The first thing I can remember is that I had to give up working. Unlike others I actually enjoyed working and earning a living. I worked doing something I loved. I remember the first person that suggested that I file for disability. I actually got mad. I screamed at them that I was NOT disabled. I associated that term with someone that is completely unable to do anything at all. I don't know how else I thought of it other than that I didn't think it applied to me. I then thought about the previous months that I had been working. The misery that I experienced just getting up and going to work was horrible. It was very hard for me to leave working. I loved my work. It was funny because of the amount of pillows and things like that I ended up bringing home at the end because I was trying to make myself comfortable.
I ended up getting approved faster than most have seen because of how detailed I made my disability report. Some of the people I have spoken with can not believe that I was approved so quickly because some have been waiting years. Although I did get approved quickly because of the nature of my claim, and the fact that it was expedited through. I did have to wait for the processing and the payments to start. So it was 6-8 months for that to happen after I got approved.
I cant tell you the adversity Chris and I went through during that time. That was probably the worst because we struggled more than we ever have, even when we were young. The family would hold garage sales and things like that but it only went so far. I have had some of my family come through for me as well. Whether it be Aunt Judy that is there for me in every way, or my mom and sister who come and take me to every appointment so I don't have to be alone, or Aunt Carol bringing me lunch once or twice, or others that would donate to me in other ways such as gift cards or prayers of some kind. Aunt Janet and Uncle Jorge, my grandma, and Aunt Mary Margaret have sent prayers of love and care my way and have been there for me. Even still, it is but a mere drop in the bucket to what I could be making if I was working. I know that. Chris and I have had to simplify life in many ways. To tell you the truth we have done it. When it comes down to it, we have had time thrown in our faces, we really just value being together. He handles stress like a steam engine because he has really been a great person and caregiver to me.
I think if you are faced with having to file for disability, the more detailed you can be the better. Remember that doctors are going to be reading what you write, and it has to make sense to them. Also helping getting things mailed off or faxed in will be a big deal. Your loved one will have enough stress just filling the thing out and going through major treatments or medicines or whatever, so helping them getting things off in the mail or whatever it is, that would be great for them as well.
Even though mine was an office job, the tumor I had caused major discomfort because of the placement on my spine. It fooled my chiropractor for months while he was treating me for sciatica, all the while I had Stage 4 Cancer. It was St 4 because by the time they caught it, it had spread already to my spine. S1 and S2 is where it started spreading to at first. No one can prepare a person for something like that. I also had a lump that you could feel in my left breast. When I was examined I was told that I was too young to have breast cancer and there was no real sense of urgency from them. I was only 29 years old.
A since of normalcy I would have given up anything for. On top of that I lost my brand new mustang GT for which I saved and saved up for. We finally put our money into the car we wanted and when prescriptions alone are thousands a month, I was unable to keep my brand new car. So again it was another thing for me that felt it was ripped from me. After that I just lost it. I didn't eat for 8 months straight all the while having terrible pain shooting down my legs and down my back. Nerve pain and the first radiation made me so sick in the beginning too. I couldn't cook, or clean. Taking care of my family was just another thing I couldn't do. It made me crazy because being a mother and having a family is what I have prided my life on and all the sudden I could not do any of it. On top of that all the people I loved the most seemed started fading from my life more and more. I didn't do anything wrong to have this diagnosis on me. I didn't know why the people I loved stopped coming around.
I know it could not have been easy for anyone around me. People were in such a shock that I got more and more disbelief than I did empathy or compassion. I know that on top of everything that I was prescribed the wrong medication in the beginning. I had severe withdrawing that made me miserable. It was every 8 hours that I would have cold sweats and shakes. It was a miserable thing to experience.
The only thing I can tell someone who has a close family member who is experiencing chaos like this is to provide as much of normal life as you can for them. Help them with their medicines and refills. Help them not have to worry about dinners or cleaning. Help the kids with their homework. Help getting to church. Normal everyday things. Reminding that person that they are a person!! It is most important. It is so important for you to make them feel like they are a fighter and they are not going anywhere. Make sure that they know you are there for them, even if it is just to hang out and do nothing. It makes a difference. We need to be able to talk things out. So much goes on in the medical world that it is difficult to keep up with all the choices one may have in their treatment plan. It may help for you to help them with research and information. Make sure that you do not throw it in their face. Let them look at it at their own pace and their own time. I know that I didn't want all this information clouding my head on "what if's"....
The last thing I can think to say is that you may offer help and be refused several times. Just know if the person tells you they don't need help, they definitely do. Sometimes its hard...and I can tell you first hand that I needed my loved ones so bad and I felt alone. I did not ask for help, I didn't think I needed to. I felt that my info was already pretty much out there for everyone to know about and I felt that if people couldn't figure that out then I could not help them. It should have been obvious.
You could not believe the horrors I have faced and the strength of my family. I don't know how we have pushed through for as long as we have. We only continue to grow closer and get stronger daily. We have also seen the caring that strangers can give. It brings a certain hope and love and knowledge that you are loved and prayed for by most people that don't know you and have never met you. They have only heard about you. I have been praised with such a strength and bravery by others who root for me from afar and care for me through someone else.
All I can do I go on being me. I try to take what I learn everyday and live. Just live!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Gardening
Its been so hot! I have already had a preminition that this summer is going to be so very hot. I know that it is going to be. I have been gardening as well. I picked flowers that attract butterflies so I could have them flying around the yard. I also picked flowers that can last in the hotness. I know bees come around too but I have seen more butterflies than bees for sure.
I absolutely love the quiet time gardening can bring. Its pleasant. I have made sure that I have flowers all around my whole porch, around my trees, and along the side of the yard. I also discovered wild blueberries and raspberries growing in the backyard and along the fence in the front. It is so cool.
I absolutely love the quiet time gardening can bring. Its pleasant. I have made sure that I have flowers all around my whole porch, around my trees, and along the side of the yard. I also discovered wild blueberries and raspberries growing in the backyard and along the fence in the front. It is so cool.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Happiness
I have many happiness's in-between all these doctor visits. A major diagnosis like this brings so many heavy thoughts and feelings that I wasn't balanced out for a long time. I honestly believe that I am just now able to cope with what is going on. After all the thoughts and sadness and worrying, I felt it was important to stress the importance of spending time making yourself happy too.
It is so important to even yourself out with positive feelings. By evening yourself out, I am telling you that you should try to spend an equal amount of time doing things that make you happy. Being around the people that make you happy also helps. It makes all the difference.
For me, first of all, my niece that is just about a year old now, is the light of my life. Ever since she was born I noticed that she had this life energy that was more than enough for her. There was always plenty of energy left over for me. I felt so much better every time I saw her. I would notice that when I spend time with her, I would leave feeling such joy and happiness. I just know that she and I share a very special connection that is undeniable. I know that she is so smart just by our interactions. She is a great joy in my life.
I have to say my husband and my kids are such a big part of my happinessas well. We love to hang out together on weekends and to go to our favorite places. I love taking the kids out to get a reward for their hard work being straight A students. They really try hard to do well and we really try hard to work with them for their futures. It is important for me to also teach them to be kind to others. My little one tells me every week about a situation that happened at school and how she handled it. This girl is 9. I tell her not to make things so complicated. I tell her to just try to have fun and not be so serious all the time. There is plenty of time to be serious. I always try to have them remember to lead their thoughts with integrity.
My dogs also make me very happy. I know that they are loyal to me. I know that they dont have any place they would rather be. Dogs bring a fun that no other being can do. There is a mind-melding that happens there because that is the only way they can communicate. I really believe that you can look in a dogs eyes and hear what they want if you just listen to them. You hear it if you have love in your heart for them.
I have not even touched on all the ways that one can find happy times. I hope to share more ideas with you on ways that I find to make me happy.
It is so important to even yourself out with positive feelings. By evening yourself out, I am telling you that you should try to spend an equal amount of time doing things that make you happy. Being around the people that make you happy also helps. It makes all the difference.
For me, first of all, my niece that is just about a year old now, is the light of my life. Ever since she was born I noticed that she had this life energy that was more than enough for her. There was always plenty of energy left over for me. I felt so much better every time I saw her. I would notice that when I spend time with her, I would leave feeling such joy and happiness. I just know that she and I share a very special connection that is undeniable. I know that she is so smart just by our interactions. She is a great joy in my life.
I have to say my husband and my kids are such a big part of my happinessas well. We love to hang out together on weekends and to go to our favorite places. I love taking the kids out to get a reward for their hard work being straight A students. They really try hard to do well and we really try hard to work with them for their futures. It is important for me to also teach them to be kind to others. My little one tells me every week about a situation that happened at school and how she handled it. This girl is 9. I tell her not to make things so complicated. I tell her to just try to have fun and not be so serious all the time. There is plenty of time to be serious. I always try to have them remember to lead their thoughts with integrity.
My dogs also make me very happy. I know that they are loyal to me. I know that they dont have any place they would rather be. Dogs bring a fun that no other being can do. There is a mind-melding that happens there because that is the only way they can communicate. I really believe that you can look in a dogs eyes and hear what they want if you just listen to them. You hear it if you have love in your heart for them.
I have not even touched on all the ways that one can find happy times. I hope to share more ideas with you on ways that I find to make me happy.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday May 12th-ONC VISIT
Tuesday morning got up very early. The appointment was at 7:30am in the morning. My mom took me up to the hospital, but ended up dropping me off because she had to go to work. Not to long after that my sister was coming to pick me up after and take me home. She was going to try to make it in time to go in the doctor office with me but I told her to be safe, if she made it she made it.
So I was going to my visit with my normal oncologist. I was going be go alone for the first time in a long time. Especially when it came to going to hear news from a scan or something like that. 99% of the time, I do feel great and don't expect to hear anything bad at all. Regardless, Chris and my mom and my sister do not let me hear news alone ever. Good, bad, or regular news it all works out to be stressful just the same. They know that I am left to think about everything after the doctor visit. I do stay positive and brave.
I got out of the car and went in the hospital. I ended up being seen even earlier than they thought so I did end up going in by myself.
I first had to get labs done which consists of them drawing blood. And if you remember I didn't have a great time getting an IV the day before that. I had bruises from the day before. I went into the room and showed the lady my arm. She saw my port and asked me if I was having chemo that day. I said no I am having chemo tomorrow. So she decided to draw blood from my hand since I had bruises on my upper arm and not from my port since I wasn't having chemo that day.
I saw a doctor that I haven't seen before come in and visit with me. He looked at my scans before he came in and told me that they saw 3 new places that the cancer has spread to. Possibly. There was a spot on my liver, a spot on my sternum and there was some sort of spotting on my left chest area where I had my radiation. He examined me and he could not feel any sort of tumor on my chest area where the new spot was supposed to be. As for the spotting on the liver, lots of people have liver spots. Normal people have spots like that and nine times out of 10 they don't know it. They are normal and harmless. He also said that the spotting also might still be from my radiation healing. He said that they would be doing another scan in 3 months to check again and they would use this scan as a baseline. I said OK and he left and I waited for my doctor to come in.
I didn't wait to long and my doctor came in. She gave me a big hug as usual. She asked me if I had any questions about what the other doctor had said. I told her no. She was explaining that I hadn't had that type of scan in a year. I felt good about that. If its been a whole year and that is all that is coming up then I am great. I told her that I feel great. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing to feel good and that we would go from there.
I knew I would be there the next day for pain management and my chemo, so I got out of there as fast as I could. I called my sister and she picked me up and took me home.
I was so tired, I crashed out the for a couple of hours until my daughter got home from school. I tell her like I always do that I had a good doctors appointment, and she tells me like she always does, I know mom... and we go on our day.
I love my family...I would not be able to go on without them....
So I was going to my visit with my normal oncologist. I was going be go alone for the first time in a long time. Especially when it came to going to hear news from a scan or something like that. 99% of the time, I do feel great and don't expect to hear anything bad at all. Regardless, Chris and my mom and my sister do not let me hear news alone ever. Good, bad, or regular news it all works out to be stressful just the same. They know that I am left to think about everything after the doctor visit. I do stay positive and brave.
I got out of the car and went in the hospital. I ended up being seen even earlier than they thought so I did end up going in by myself.
I first had to get labs done which consists of them drawing blood. And if you remember I didn't have a great time getting an IV the day before that. I had bruises from the day before. I went into the room and showed the lady my arm. She saw my port and asked me if I was having chemo that day. I said no I am having chemo tomorrow. So she decided to draw blood from my hand since I had bruises on my upper arm and not from my port since I wasn't having chemo that day.
I saw a doctor that I haven't seen before come in and visit with me. He looked at my scans before he came in and told me that they saw 3 new places that the cancer has spread to. Possibly. There was a spot on my liver, a spot on my sternum and there was some sort of spotting on my left chest area where I had my radiation. He examined me and he could not feel any sort of tumor on my chest area where the new spot was supposed to be. As for the spotting on the liver, lots of people have liver spots. Normal people have spots like that and nine times out of 10 they don't know it. They are normal and harmless. He also said that the spotting also might still be from my radiation healing. He said that they would be doing another scan in 3 months to check again and they would use this scan as a baseline. I said OK and he left and I waited for my doctor to come in.
I didn't wait to long and my doctor came in. She gave me a big hug as usual. She asked me if I had any questions about what the other doctor had said. I told her no. She was explaining that I hadn't had that type of scan in a year. I felt good about that. If its been a whole year and that is all that is coming up then I am great. I told her that I feel great. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing to feel good and that we would go from there.
I knew I would be there the next day for pain management and my chemo, so I got out of there as fast as I could. I called my sister and she picked me up and took me home.
I was so tired, I crashed out the for a couple of hours until my daughter got home from school. I tell her like I always do that I had a good doctors appointment, and she tells me like she always does, I know mom... and we go on our day.
I love my family...I would not be able to go on without them....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday May 11- The Scans
I had my appointments at the beginning of last week. I saw all my doctors. Monday was full of scans. I was injected with radioactive dye. I was also made to drink that drink that makes the cancer inside me glow. It wasn't all that bad really. The worst part of this day was that the nurse who made the IV in my arm missed my veins in 2 separate places. It was tough to sit there. She was digging around and everything. After she couldn't find a vein, she went a little lower on the same arm and then she did it again! She then told me that it was a good stick when clearly it wasn't. It started to get red and puffy around the needle location. So I decided to let her go on with the next patient and let the other nurse come back and tell her. When the other nurse came back I told her that it wasn't good and it hurt. She looked at me a little weird. She then took my arm and tried to flush the IV. There was no return. She kindly removed that needle from my arm. I got immediate relief. I sat through all that. I guess I could have gotten mad because she had to make sure. I also didn't get offended because I know she deals with tons of people and she had to make sure, she was just doing her job. I did however look at the other nurse who knew English well enough to understand me when I yelled NO GOOD at her pointing down at my arm. The thought of having radioactive dye in my veins not going anywhere wasn't exactly a great thought. It would have almost defeated the whole purpose of the scans. So I sat there while my arm was pokeed yet a third time with the thick IV needle and gets return this time.
The other thing is I am only allowed to let the nurses take my blood pressure and take blood poke into my right arm. Since they removed my left armpit and 15 lymph nodes it does not allow them to take accurate readings. Wouldnt you know my entire life I have always used my left arm for things like that. My best vein was on the left side of course. I now have to either get poked with my port, or the right side.
Luckily other than having to wait a little while when I got to the room where the scans where and got on the machine it was painless. The radioactive shot feels a little weird. When they shoot it in your arm, it feels warm and you can feel it going throughout your whole body. It goes up into your head, around and down one leg and up the other. Then they put you in the machine and then you hear the machine tell you to breathe, Hold your breath. Then release. Your lungs need to be full of air when they take the shots.
I got to go back to change and go to the waiting room where Lisa and my baby niece was waiting for me. She is about a year old. I love being with my sister and my niece. Anyway, my sister was nice enough to take me because everyone else was working. With my leg the way it is, my husband and mom don't want me going anywhere alone.
That was mostly it for that day... on to Tuesday
The other thing is I am only allowed to let the nurses take my blood pressure and take blood poke into my right arm. Since they removed my left armpit and 15 lymph nodes it does not allow them to take accurate readings. Wouldnt you know my entire life I have always used my left arm for things like that. My best vein was on the left side of course. I now have to either get poked with my port, or the right side.
Luckily other than having to wait a little while when I got to the room where the scans where and got on the machine it was painless. The radioactive shot feels a little weird. When they shoot it in your arm, it feels warm and you can feel it going throughout your whole body. It goes up into your head, around and down one leg and up the other. Then they put you in the machine and then you hear the machine tell you to breathe, Hold your breath. Then release. Your lungs need to be full of air when they take the shots.
I got to go back to change and go to the waiting room where Lisa and my baby niece was waiting for me. She is about a year old. I love being with my sister and my niece. Anyway, my sister was nice enough to take me because everyone else was working. With my leg the way it is, my husband and mom don't want me going anywhere alone.
That was mostly it for that day... on to Tuesday
Friday, May 7, 2010
I Made the Call
After much suffering and trying to just make it to my scans, I made the call. I left a message and let them know that I was in severe pain. I could only get up for a few minutes at a time and I have to time my meds just right and take them right before I attempt to do anything. Anyway,
She called me back the next day, as is standard to do, and told me that my doctor moved my scans up a whole month. So Mon, Tues, Wed, of next week I get to do all my appointments including my Zomeda on Wed. Zomeda is technically chemo but it is not degenerative, its regenerative. The intention is to feed my bones. I get treatments that women with osteoporosis get. Whatever works you know.
Anyway,
This is why I said that I would enjoy my good news while I can because on Tues. (scans being Monday) I will get to find out if the cancer had spread to any new places, if its in my lungs or liver, and if its now in my left femur bone and what the plan will be for it. I already know that if it doesn't regenerate fast enough I will need the steel rod. It is the same surgery that anyone who breaks or has a fracture in that bone needs.
With all this in mind, I brace myself and I don't have a point of view. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I numb myself and sort of rise out of my body when she talks. I act like its not me. Whatever trick I can pull that day to help me through the appointment is OK with me. I finally realized why I was having panic attacks before my appointments. I mean bad. I never knew what a panic attack was before that. I finally realized that every time I have been to the doctor over the past 2 years I have gotten bad news. I have to deal with something else then something else then something else. Just when I think I have heard it all, it cant get any worse the bottom drops out. And this had been every 2 weeks for 24 months. I am surprised I haven't cracked before. On top of the meds, on top of trying to run the house, on top of keeping up with financing, and also trying to be a mother and a wife who can walk, hasn't been able to cook, and on and on... I know I am hard on myself. I am still coping with it all but I do the best I can. I will never let it keep me down I know that. I don't care if I can only stand for a minute or two at a time right now, I will be up doing what I need to do. When my body tells me enough for right now, I listen. Its the best I can do now.
I wanted to share that at least I go for scans Monday, see my doctor Tues for the results, and go for pain management and my treatment on Wed. I don't need to pep myself up for this one, and I do not have any panic feelings right now. I am taking care of business. All I ask is for them to give it to me straight. They all know that if I find out I need surgery I tell them to schedule the first day available from that moment. Why drag it out is my feelings. Lets do it and I will be back home faster, and healing faster. I have the healing down to an art...lol.. I always hear, "Well Renee, you sure are looking good"... now I hear it 2 ways. I hear it one way as wow, you look good for all you have been through, and you look bad ass for what you just went through and your already up and walking around. You are a miracle.
The other way I hear it is, wow you sure are looking good, like a smart ass, like I make a big deal over nothing because look at me, I am already walking and getting around. Now here is where I choose to take the higher road over dopes that have no intelligence.
I know that when they tell me that I will be walking around with a walker for a month, and I scrap that sucker in 2-3 days and start walking on my own, after a major surgery that I am a bad ass chick. All I think is they would never be able to do what I do. And I am the one who is "supposed" to be "sick"..
More as I get it,
Peace and love,
Renee
She called me back the next day, as is standard to do, and told me that my doctor moved my scans up a whole month. So Mon, Tues, Wed, of next week I get to do all my appointments including my Zomeda on Wed. Zomeda is technically chemo but it is not degenerative, its regenerative. The intention is to feed my bones. I get treatments that women with osteoporosis get. Whatever works you know.
Anyway,
This is why I said that I would enjoy my good news while I can because on Tues. (scans being Monday) I will get to find out if the cancer had spread to any new places, if its in my lungs or liver, and if its now in my left femur bone and what the plan will be for it. I already know that if it doesn't regenerate fast enough I will need the steel rod. It is the same surgery that anyone who breaks or has a fracture in that bone needs.
With all this in mind, I brace myself and I don't have a point of view. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I numb myself and sort of rise out of my body when she talks. I act like its not me. Whatever trick I can pull that day to help me through the appointment is OK with me. I finally realized why I was having panic attacks before my appointments. I mean bad. I never knew what a panic attack was before that. I finally realized that every time I have been to the doctor over the past 2 years I have gotten bad news. I have to deal with something else then something else then something else. Just when I think I have heard it all, it cant get any worse the bottom drops out. And this had been every 2 weeks for 24 months. I am surprised I haven't cracked before. On top of the meds, on top of trying to run the house, on top of keeping up with financing, and also trying to be a mother and a wife who can walk, hasn't been able to cook, and on and on... I know I am hard on myself. I am still coping with it all but I do the best I can. I will never let it keep me down I know that. I don't care if I can only stand for a minute or two at a time right now, I will be up doing what I need to do. When my body tells me enough for right now, I listen. Its the best I can do now.
I wanted to share that at least I go for scans Monday, see my doctor Tues for the results, and go for pain management and my treatment on Wed. I don't need to pep myself up for this one, and I do not have any panic feelings right now. I am taking care of business. All I ask is for them to give it to me straight. They all know that if I find out I need surgery I tell them to schedule the first day available from that moment. Why drag it out is my feelings. Lets do it and I will be back home faster, and healing faster. I have the healing down to an art...lol.. I always hear, "Well Renee, you sure are looking good"... now I hear it 2 ways. I hear it one way as wow, you look good for all you have been through, and you look bad ass for what you just went through and your already up and walking around. You are a miracle.
The other way I hear it is, wow you sure are looking good, like a smart ass, like I make a big deal over nothing because look at me, I am already walking and getting around. Now here is where I choose to take the higher road over dopes that have no intelligence.
I know that when they tell me that I will be walking around with a walker for a month, and I scrap that sucker in 2-3 days and start walking on my own, after a major surgery that I am a bad ass chick. All I think is they would never be able to do what I do. And I am the one who is "supposed" to be "sick"..
More as I get it,
Peace and love,
Renee
So I just realized that the privacy setting on my Facebook was not allowing anyone to add me or even find my page for that matter. I had it locked down...LOL.... anyway.... I just got into the right page and found the correct button to uncheck on the privacy settings and BOOM there I am. Long story short, my shortcut to my facebook page now goes somewhere.
Toodles,
Rae
Toodles,
Rae
Thursday, May 6, 2010
So meet Sara. We had a group of kids that came to our door who asked us if this was our dog. I said no all at the same time I picked her up and fell in love. Mind you she was tiny because we have actually had her for about a month. We wanted to make sure no one was going to claim her.
Anyway, I told the kids if when they finish going around to the houses and still couldn't find her home to bring her back and I would care for her. They told me they had already been to every house on the block and the next. I said OK. In the meantime, we have been outside with her everyday 3-4 times and have tried to find an owner with no success. By now she is Silly Sara B. Now a part of the clan. Once you are in, you are in..lol...
This is a picture of my haircut even though Chris says I am so used to putting my hair behind my ear that I did the same thing here. Its funny cause I looked and he was right. But you can get the idea of the cut and color.. which I love by the way. I have already been asked to model for my stylist on her next show. So thats pretty cool.. enjoy!!
Monday, May 3, 2010
I have recently started having severe pain in my other leg. The same pain that I originally had in my right leg and its severe. It makes doing everyday things so hard.
It is the same situation when my right leg hurt like this. My femur bone in my right leg showed on the scans that the cancer had eaten almost halfway through my bone and could snap on worst case scenario. How scary is that? How painful is that? My option was the orthopedic surgery. My pain management doctor told me after the surgery that the doctors in there use the same tools as carpenters use to get that rod in there and in the right place. Google orthopedic surgery and see for yourself. They hammer and pry and chisel and whatever else they need to do. Trust me when I woke up I was in intensive care for 9 hours and I was never supposed to even be in there. It hurt so terribly that I cried the entire time, none of the pain meds worked, and I saw the staff change shifts before I got any comfort from the pain. They finally installed a pump that went off every 6 minutes. Luckily, I started climbing uphill very quickly after that. Once I was able to get my bearings, the rehabilitation and physical therapy department came to visit. They showed me how to climb stairs, and how to get into my house. Several things that I had to be careful of and get used to again. I was cleared from the physical therapy department but they ended up keeping me an extra night due to all the pain I experienced.
Anyway, I came home the next day and my right leg is doing great. I know the steel rod works because it supports me as I need. It has probably fused with my bone and I think is doing very well. The pain of it fusing is still there. I do still experience pain in my right leg but it is pain that I can take.
It feels like to me that my left leg is experiencing pain now and I wanted the scans done to see whats going on...good or bad..
So last weekend my mom and sister and I went on a celebration to Toni & Guy Salon to get our hair cut, styled, and colored as a celebration that we didn't have to shave our heads after all. No chemo, no bald heads. It was also time to donate our hair to Locks of Love anyways. So they worried about me being able to stand being at the beauty shop all day. I said this is a celebration and there is nothing that can keep me from getting my summer cut. My view is if I just stay here and sit here in pain then that wont be good. I at least can get my hair cut like a normal person, and if the pain got unbearable I would have stepped out. Most of the time it is so intense that it does bring me to tears. Although I have been able to do breathing exercises and do the best I can to calm down until it subsides. I loaded up on pain pills this day for sure...lol
So the next thing is they will scan me and tell me how much of my femur bone that the cancer has eaten and if I will need the surgery that I had on my right leg, I am guessing that is in my future for my left leg as well.
I was trying to cut down on all the pills I have to take, I was going to make it where I didn't need anymore pain pills. The pain pills make it subside, its in the background just for long enough to do little things here and there. I often times must listen to my body and go sit down. It doesn't matter if I am done or not done doing my tasks. A chore is never more important than your health and being in pain. I am so stubborn at times and I say, I am not going to let it keep me down. If I don't grin and bear it then in a sense I feel its winning. I often push through and take those few more steps whether I have to cry to do it I will. I am not going to sit by and let my bones just be eaten alive and not try to strengthen them or do what I can to make my muscles stronger.
I know I wouldn't even be able to get up at all if I didn't have those pills to help me get up. And I hate pills. I have gotten so good at it I can take 10-20 pills at a time. I know my next oncology appt is coming up and I have been trying to make it until then. I try to tolerate everything. I know I can only do that for so long, I must get this leg scanned. I know that is what I need. I will let you know what they say....
It is the same situation when my right leg hurt like this. My femur bone in my right leg showed on the scans that the cancer had eaten almost halfway through my bone and could snap on worst case scenario. How scary is that? How painful is that? My option was the orthopedic surgery. My pain management doctor told me after the surgery that the doctors in there use the same tools as carpenters use to get that rod in there and in the right place. Google orthopedic surgery and see for yourself. They hammer and pry and chisel and whatever else they need to do. Trust me when I woke up I was in intensive care for 9 hours and I was never supposed to even be in there. It hurt so terribly that I cried the entire time, none of the pain meds worked, and I saw the staff change shifts before I got any comfort from the pain. They finally installed a pump that went off every 6 minutes. Luckily, I started climbing uphill very quickly after that. Once I was able to get my bearings, the rehabilitation and physical therapy department came to visit. They showed me how to climb stairs, and how to get into my house. Several things that I had to be careful of and get used to again. I was cleared from the physical therapy department but they ended up keeping me an extra night due to all the pain I experienced.
Anyway, I came home the next day and my right leg is doing great. I know the steel rod works because it supports me as I need. It has probably fused with my bone and I think is doing very well. The pain of it fusing is still there. I do still experience pain in my right leg but it is pain that I can take.
It feels like to me that my left leg is experiencing pain now and I wanted the scans done to see whats going on...good or bad..
So last weekend my mom and sister and I went on a celebration to Toni & Guy Salon to get our hair cut, styled, and colored as a celebration that we didn't have to shave our heads after all. No chemo, no bald heads. It was also time to donate our hair to Locks of Love anyways. So they worried about me being able to stand being at the beauty shop all day. I said this is a celebration and there is nothing that can keep me from getting my summer cut. My view is if I just stay here and sit here in pain then that wont be good. I at least can get my hair cut like a normal person, and if the pain got unbearable I would have stepped out. Most of the time it is so intense that it does bring me to tears. Although I have been able to do breathing exercises and do the best I can to calm down until it subsides. I loaded up on pain pills this day for sure...lol
So the next thing is they will scan me and tell me how much of my femur bone that the cancer has eaten and if I will need the surgery that I had on my right leg, I am guessing that is in my future for my left leg as well.
I was trying to cut down on all the pills I have to take, I was going to make it where I didn't need anymore pain pills. The pain pills make it subside, its in the background just for long enough to do little things here and there. I often times must listen to my body and go sit down. It doesn't matter if I am done or not done doing my tasks. A chore is never more important than your health and being in pain. I am so stubborn at times and I say, I am not going to let it keep me down. If I don't grin and bear it then in a sense I feel its winning. I often push through and take those few more steps whether I have to cry to do it I will. I am not going to sit by and let my bones just be eaten alive and not try to strengthen them or do what I can to make my muscles stronger.
I know I wouldn't even be able to get up at all if I didn't have those pills to help me get up. And I hate pills. I have gotten so good at it I can take 10-20 pills at a time. I know my next oncology appt is coming up and I have been trying to make it until then. I try to tolerate everything. I know I can only do that for so long, I must get this leg scanned. I know that is what I need. I will let you know what they say....
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I went to my doctor visit last week. I ended up thinking I wasn't going to get to see my doctor but I did. I was glad I did. Let me tell you why.
I was first seen by a guy who I thought was my new doctor who ended up being the chemo doctor. He for some reason thought I refused chemo. I told him that I have no other choice right? What kind of question was that I thought...I asked him how long I would need this chemo and he said until it stops working. Now I don't know what kind of answer that is but I said....Okay.... and at that time he told me that he was going to get the paperwork for the permission to go forward and he would be back.
When I saw my doctor come in after that I was so happy to see her. I jumped up and gave her a hug and she was there with open arms. Its a nice relationship I have with her so far. She said to sit down she had something to ask me. She told me that she didn't think I needed chemo right now for these reasons:
She said that they removed the lump and what remains is in my bones and it should be the slowest growing kind. It should be slow growing enough that I shouldn't need chemo. Basically that no other places in my body are affected so we should go with it until I feel worse or until I tell her I feel it somewhere else. Trust me, I feel it, where it is... Every place it is inside my bones I can feel it. But it isn't in my lungs or liver. That is a great thing to be able to say. I need to be able to say I am very happy about that.
I will continue to get scans every 3-6 months and until I feel bad or tell her that I feel it somewhere else she wont need to scan me until the scheduled times.
She even said if it was her she would decided not to have chemo. It is up to me if I wanted it now then I could have it. I don't though. Who would?
So for now it that is where I stand. I couldn't be happier. My mom and sister couldn't be happier as we were all fixing to shave our heads to donate our hair. Now we are all going to get it cut and styled... and couldn't be more excited about it.
I will take what I can get and not complain about it. I will take the happy times and enjoy every minute of it. I just got the paperwork for my scan and I go June 2 to get scans that basically will show if I have any spots on my liver or lungs. I keep the prayers going and I keep strong in mind, body, and soul. I know that I was just given great news and trust me, when dealing with this there is no good news....ever. Like I said, we ask no questions, and we enjoy the little things. Its so much more special to slow down and smell the flowers. In my case I was forced to.
Love and Prayers,
Renee B.
I was first seen by a guy who I thought was my new doctor who ended up being the chemo doctor. He for some reason thought I refused chemo. I told him that I have no other choice right? What kind of question was that I thought...I asked him how long I would need this chemo and he said until it stops working. Now I don't know what kind of answer that is but I said....Okay.... and at that time he told me that he was going to get the paperwork for the permission to go forward and he would be back.
When I saw my doctor come in after that I was so happy to see her. I jumped up and gave her a hug and she was there with open arms. Its a nice relationship I have with her so far. She said to sit down she had something to ask me. She told me that she didn't think I needed chemo right now for these reasons:
She said that they removed the lump and what remains is in my bones and it should be the slowest growing kind. It should be slow growing enough that I shouldn't need chemo. Basically that no other places in my body are affected so we should go with it until I feel worse or until I tell her I feel it somewhere else. Trust me, I feel it, where it is... Every place it is inside my bones I can feel it. But it isn't in my lungs or liver. That is a great thing to be able to say. I need to be able to say I am very happy about that.
I will continue to get scans every 3-6 months and until I feel bad or tell her that I feel it somewhere else she wont need to scan me until the scheduled times.
She even said if it was her she would decided not to have chemo. It is up to me if I wanted it now then I could have it. I don't though. Who would?
So for now it that is where I stand. I couldn't be happier. My mom and sister couldn't be happier as we were all fixing to shave our heads to donate our hair. Now we are all going to get it cut and styled... and couldn't be more excited about it.
I will take what I can get and not complain about it. I will take the happy times and enjoy every minute of it. I just got the paperwork for my scan and I go June 2 to get scans that basically will show if I have any spots on my liver or lungs. I keep the prayers going and I keep strong in mind, body, and soul. I know that I was just given great news and trust me, when dealing with this there is no good news....ever. Like I said, we ask no questions, and we enjoy the little things. Its so much more special to slow down and smell the flowers. In my case I was forced to.
Love and Prayers,
Renee B.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I am coming up on yet another doctor that is going to take over my care. The one I truly like is the highest on the totem pole but at times I do speak with other doctors. I am studied more than you can imagine. I am such a rare case that they read everything there is on me. Study me. I used to feel like a science experiment. You begin to feel somewhat like that and its makes you paranoid whether you are getting the care you need or are they just interested in getting the numbers. I have felt like that before. I changed. Needless to say I asked if she knows anyone that specializes in Advanced care. We will see. I have had good and bad when it comes to my health care. I can say that my surgeons have been excellent. If I would have had to pick, I would have picked to have the more experienced surgeon. The one who did my hysterectomy was the most experienced in the area at the laprascopic(sp?) type of surgery. I have had to deal with so many different sides of this. It had been enough to drive any individual crazy. I will write more, like the methadone that I was put on for pain, and the constant withdrawl that I experienced, or the meds that switch and make me sick on almost every meal, or the bones in my body that contain disease and are being eaten away. This is what the chemo is coming in for. I will be assigned a chemo doctor on top of the new oncologist and so its going to be a bunch of new faces. I have faith that I am being sent the people I need to take care of me. For the longest I was only sent people who had the same name of people in my immediate family. I know that wasn't a coincidence. I have faith. Its one thing I keep close, and my ability to heal quickly from things.. I sleep. I sleep. Fingers crossed.. moving steadily forward.
RB
RB
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Connections
I have recently been made aware of more and more people that I can connect with for a support system. I am aware that talking with others who are in your situation is a good thing. Sometimes it is very difficult to find others. I have had a very hard time finding other stage 4 women out there. Even Stage 3.
When I felt I had those few people who really cared for me as a support system it has made a difference. Its better to have people who genuinely care rather than the ones who don't really care and don't worry past their own lives. Its a kind of person we all know and are civil too. Just because someone is a certain way to you doesn't mean you should be that way back. What good does that do? Does it make you any better? Having toxic relationships keeps us from possibly connecting closer with another person or can effect us in ways we may not even realize. We must choose to be better. We must recognize the moments when that other person chooses to act ugly. I say ugly because that pretty much covers all the bad stuff. Envy, greed, anger, and so on. Ugliness. Choose not to be ugly. If you see yourself going down that path then recognize it. It means that some part of you is waking up in there and wants better for yourself. Follow your heart. That is your heart talking to you. It knows the answer to where your happiness comes from. Listen sometimes even if it is new.
Not doing so can hinder years of growth and loss of family, friends, and countless memories that you could have. also You cant force anyone. At least your are trying to mend. Neglecting ourselves is only ignoring your inner self and prolongs the pain. Just try listening.
We also need to understand that others may not be on the same level as we are. Others may not be on the same wavelength, level, mentally or spiritually that you are and they just cant understand where you are coming from. It is not within their brain power to understand. They haven't learned enough yet. That is where patience comes in. Maybe just maybe that person will come around sometime and it would have been worth your patience. And if not we smile and not try to kill ourselves over why someone else acts a certain way. Its not worth the time you waste. Once you yourself come around on your own lessons and realizes what time you have wasted on certain things then it will help you know how much you have learned and recognize the times when you choose to be better, and nicer, and more understanding.
Chill today,
Renee
When I felt I had those few people who really cared for me as a support system it has made a difference. Its better to have people who genuinely care rather than the ones who don't really care and don't worry past their own lives. Its a kind of person we all know and are civil too. Just because someone is a certain way to you doesn't mean you should be that way back. What good does that do? Does it make you any better? Having toxic relationships keeps us from possibly connecting closer with another person or can effect us in ways we may not even realize. We must choose to be better. We must recognize the moments when that other person chooses to act ugly. I say ugly because that pretty much covers all the bad stuff. Envy, greed, anger, and so on. Ugliness. Choose not to be ugly. If you see yourself going down that path then recognize it. It means that some part of you is waking up in there and wants better for yourself. Follow your heart. That is your heart talking to you. It knows the answer to where your happiness comes from. Listen sometimes even if it is new.
Not doing so can hinder years of growth and loss of family, friends, and countless memories that you could have. also You cant force anyone. At least your are trying to mend. Neglecting ourselves is only ignoring your inner self and prolongs the pain. Just try listening.
We also need to understand that others may not be on the same level as we are. Others may not be on the same wavelength, level, mentally or spiritually that you are and they just cant understand where you are coming from. It is not within their brain power to understand. They haven't learned enough yet. That is where patience comes in. Maybe just maybe that person will come around sometime and it would have been worth your patience. And if not we smile and not try to kill ourselves over why someone else acts a certain way. Its not worth the time you waste. Once you yourself come around on your own lessons and realizes what time you have wasted on certain things then it will help you know how much you have learned and recognize the times when you choose to be better, and nicer, and more understanding.
Chill today,
Renee
Friday, April 2, 2010
Learning Process
There is no doubt that I am learning a lot. From medical, to spiritual, to holistic, to internal, to family dynamics, to everything else under the sun and then more things you never even thought of. I take it all in stride. I am about to hear about my chemo. I say that I am ready with all the force I can. In the back of my mind I am scared though. I know I am strong, but I also know that somewhere in there I am scared the wimp in me will show up and not be able to handle what is going on. I get overwhelmed when I think of that situation too much. I end up taking it day by day. I got the bill for my radiation. Its over 50K. And with a healthy bill of 2-3K a month for medicine, we are having a fine time keeping everything going and staying with our heads above water. I haven't even done chemo yet remember...lol.. Its nothing to me. I know the value of me being on this earth with my kids and whatever it takes is what is going to be done. I am not scared when I put it in those terms or think of it on that level. I have no plans to leave my kids and my husband behind when they need me. There is no question where I am supposed to be. I love life right now and I plan to enjoy these beautiful days that we have been so kindly given. Love. Live. Learn!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Destiny
I have wondered if destiny plays a role in my life. I know that I have been through a lot and learned a lot of lessons, I haven't exactly been able to share my story with the masses or help women out there listen and go to the doctor. It makes me very fond of the celebrity out there and when they choose to speak up and say something to the women out there. Most recent example Shannon Tweed and Gene Simmons. She felt and lump and went immediately. I applaud her so much. Gene ended up on George Lopez show, or at least that where I saw him, and he said to all the women out there to go get checked and how important early detection is. It saves lives. It brought a tear to my eye. I hate to see any women going through that, but she was able to use it to speak up and hopefully save women out there because of her story. Its almost like destiny. Things that happen for a reason, or what leads you to become great in your own life. Greater than you ever thought in your own mind. That also shows that what the Lord has in store for us is much more than we ever could dream up for ourselves. Good or bad. I guess it works both ways. I am a huge believer in thoughts are things, and good thoughts bring other good thoughts and bad thoughts repeated can manifest. I don't like being around negative people. And I know I am guilty of it at times, too, much less lately you better believe. I practice positive. I love being positive. I know positive multiplies into happiness possibly for thousands which could start with a smile, who knows. My point is be nice, be positive, smile, and maybe we can be positive enough to help our kind have a great destiny together.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Radiation Complete
I have completed my radiation as of the beginning of this month. The burn that I had to endure up until he last treatment is just now healing and starting to fade away. That was one of the hardest things to do was knowing I was burned, dealing with it, and still going to get more burned every single day. It turns into alot of scabbing and redness that makes it very difficult to wear clothes and even take a shower. A good thing was I met some very neat women while I was there. Everyone from the radiation technicians, my doctor, my nurse, and the other women in there with me. Lots of them have doctor horror stories just like I do.
I spent the first part of my treatments not talking to anyone really. It was one of the other women that was working on herself that day who decided that she would say hi to everyone in the office. And it was that hello that sparked a conversation between the females who were in the room with me. We all had horror stories when it came to these doctors out here practicing medicine. Its scary. I do think there are doctors out there that are very knowing and can help. I also think there are doctors out there who have no business out there. The sad thing is we have to be there guinea pigs.
I did have a major family event happening right at the end of when my treatments were supposed to be done. My niece was turning 15 and having her quincenera. It was going to be in Nashville. It was going to be 3 days after my last treatment.
So here I am not 2 days out of my treatments, burned, tired, and pepping myself up to drive 800 miles to see my babygirl turn 15. My son was going to be standing up with her and escorting her down the aisle in the church and into the quince itself. All in all I toughed it out. My husband and his mom ended up doing all the driving. We watched movies and layed in our pillows otherwise. On the way up there I fell asleep in Texas and woke up in Tennessee...lol.. So I skipped Arkansas altogether.
I enjoyed it so much. We ended up renting an Excursion so it was a very roomy ride. Chris's mother went with us. It was very enjoyable.
We had to best time. We enjoyed seeing the kids Godparents, who are also Chris's twin sister and her husband. We went down to downtown Nashville and had a blast down there. We only had 3 days to do all of this and also try to visit also. The only thing we didn't have time to do was get in Jason's hot tub. We will next time. We hope to go for at least a week next time. Seeing my nieces and nephew was the best. My treatments ended up being over 3 days before we had to leave. One thing is I refused to schedule any of my chemo treatments until I came back. So now that is what I am waiting to do.
In all the pictures they are of us having a blast, dancing, doing the YMCA, the Hustle, the new shuffle dances they have out, and so much more. And all that time you would never know that I am so burned that I almost had to have Chris take me back right in the middle. I pushed through though.
The next part of my life is the part where I am officially going to do chemo now. Its the most hardcore chemo that there is. I am keeping my head up and knowing that I am finally going to kill this foreign crap that is in my body. Before it changed, I was going to have to take a pill and just maintain it my whole life. I know it wasn't my choice but I didn't want to maintain this crap my whole life, I want it gone, out, no mas, no more, no more.
I cant tell you the amounts of learning that I have done. I am so much smarter now. Spiritually I grow every day. I know where to draw my strength from. When I started all this, I drew my strength from the people around me. I put all my energy into a bunch of people who ended up being disrespectful and basically didn't show they cared about me at all. Basically I feel that all those people abandoned me when the going got tough. So I had to learn a whole new way of coping, of dealing with stuff that I used to get guidance for all alone. I never thought I could get stronger. I never thought I would be able to be weak at any point in my life. I have been in weak places when my loved ones tell me that I am stronger than them. It makes me think. It brings me back. My oncologist tells me that I am stronger than she is. That's major.
So its me, doing what I have to do. Being where I have to be. Hoping where hope needs to be. I have never had all this emotion packed into so little time. Its been a great deal to have on my plate. In such a short time. I also say that there are still people out there that deal with much more than I am dealing with right now as well. I try to keep an even mindset when it comes to thinking about what I have been through and who has been there and how I am going to come out of this even stronger than I ever thought.
My hopes for the future are easy. No more pain. The pain I have endured I would have never thought in a million years. I certainly take nothing for granted. If I can get out there on a beautiful day and enjoy it, you better believe that I will be the one getting the most out of it.
All my best,
RB
I spent the first part of my treatments not talking to anyone really. It was one of the other women that was working on herself that day who decided that she would say hi to everyone in the office. And it was that hello that sparked a conversation between the females who were in the room with me. We all had horror stories when it came to these doctors out here practicing medicine. Its scary. I do think there are doctors out there that are very knowing and can help. I also think there are doctors out there who have no business out there. The sad thing is we have to be there guinea pigs.
I did have a major family event happening right at the end of when my treatments were supposed to be done. My niece was turning 15 and having her quincenera. It was going to be in Nashville. It was going to be 3 days after my last treatment.
So here I am not 2 days out of my treatments, burned, tired, and pepping myself up to drive 800 miles to see my babygirl turn 15. My son was going to be standing up with her and escorting her down the aisle in the church and into the quince itself. All in all I toughed it out. My husband and his mom ended up doing all the driving. We watched movies and layed in our pillows otherwise. On the way up there I fell asleep in Texas and woke up in Tennessee...lol.. So I skipped Arkansas altogether.
I enjoyed it so much. We ended up renting an Excursion so it was a very roomy ride. Chris's mother went with us. It was very enjoyable.
We had to best time. We enjoyed seeing the kids Godparents, who are also Chris's twin sister and her husband. We went down to downtown Nashville and had a blast down there. We only had 3 days to do all of this and also try to visit also. The only thing we didn't have time to do was get in Jason's hot tub. We will next time. We hope to go for at least a week next time. Seeing my nieces and nephew was the best. My treatments ended up being over 3 days before we had to leave. One thing is I refused to schedule any of my chemo treatments until I came back. So now that is what I am waiting to do.
In all the pictures they are of us having a blast, dancing, doing the YMCA, the Hustle, the new shuffle dances they have out, and so much more. And all that time you would never know that I am so burned that I almost had to have Chris take me back right in the middle. I pushed through though.
The next part of my life is the part where I am officially going to do chemo now. Its the most hardcore chemo that there is. I am keeping my head up and knowing that I am finally going to kill this foreign crap that is in my body. Before it changed, I was going to have to take a pill and just maintain it my whole life. I know it wasn't my choice but I didn't want to maintain this crap my whole life, I want it gone, out, no mas, no more, no more.
I cant tell you the amounts of learning that I have done. I am so much smarter now. Spiritually I grow every day. I know where to draw my strength from. When I started all this, I drew my strength from the people around me. I put all my energy into a bunch of people who ended up being disrespectful and basically didn't show they cared about me at all. Basically I feel that all those people abandoned me when the going got tough. So I had to learn a whole new way of coping, of dealing with stuff that I used to get guidance for all alone. I never thought I could get stronger. I never thought I would be able to be weak at any point in my life. I have been in weak places when my loved ones tell me that I am stronger than them. It makes me think. It brings me back. My oncologist tells me that I am stronger than she is. That's major.
So its me, doing what I have to do. Being where I have to be. Hoping where hope needs to be. I have never had all this emotion packed into so little time. Its been a great deal to have on my plate. In such a short time. I also say that there are still people out there that deal with much more than I am dealing with right now as well. I try to keep an even mindset when it comes to thinking about what I have been through and who has been there and how I am going to come out of this even stronger than I ever thought.
My hopes for the future are easy. No more pain. The pain I have endured I would have never thought in a million years. I certainly take nothing for granted. If I can get out there on a beautiful day and enjoy it, you better believe that I will be the one getting the most out of it.
All my best,
RB
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Deep Thoughts
I often wonder if any of the feelings I had before I was diagnosed had any effect on me enough to spark some of the self destruction I experienced. I had a great life. I have a great life now. It was the transistion inbetween and accepting and realizations. I was doing what my plan dictated. My goals were being reached. I had it all. All is a big word. Having it all means a different thing to all of us. Having it all for me used to be really simple. Having my family, my home, and the tools we need for everyday was enough for me at the moment. Like I said, I was in control. I had the car I wanted, the job I wanted, the money I wanted, the friends and family I wanted, the respect I wanted, and I lost it all in a matter of days.
During all that, I was carrying around so much. I tried to please everyone around me. I had best friends, who I thought were best friends, who I tried to please by just doing everything they wanted and agreeing all the time to what they wanted. I was a pleaser. I think a little to much. I just wanted to be liked and cared about. I try to be helpful to a fault. I think that was part of my downfall with these relationships. I tried to make them proud of me and they thought I was showing off. Those typed of responses aren't friends. And if any of that sounds familiar, family or not, the relationship is about to fall through. Sorry to say, unless you are able to talk about it, both of you, then it wont get any better. Dont be surprised when you think you are soooo close with someone or a couple and when you want to talk it out they dont even want to talk or end up being ugly to you like they never even cared to begin with. That can be more hurtful to but again, all part of the game from posers who act like friends. All they are here to do really is hurt, and be dark. No more dark for me, I only tie myself into the light, I am the light, I breathe it in, and let it absorb all around me. The brightest whitest light you can imagine. Thats what kills the hate. Light. Love. Life.
I now know that by thinking I was so in control, I wasnt in control of anything at all. It was stripped in seconds, so what was I really in control of. I know that if I kept up with how I was going then it was either the career or plan my funeral. I had to slow down and take care of myself, something of which I have never done. Not that I neglected myself, I just never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
I am very knowing of my own mind inside myself and I know that I am aware that I don't have to care about any of this, about anyone, about what ever else goes on with anyone else but myself. I am just not that way. I know I have it within me to care about other people even when I am going through a lot right now. Its not hard to know that I have heart. I care. I am more careful now about who I shower the love and care on. Some people don't like that or want it. They don't feel a family connection with anyone. They are the old hags of the family. Its all good, its takes all kinds you know. Its just another thing I have learned. And hey remember that most of the time family doesn't even act like family. Friends and strangers acts more decent to you sometimes than your brother or sister even. So don't let your troubled relationships get you down. You can only try so hard and compromise so much. Its a hard lesson to learn and can take a lot of tears. It takes even turning away from a brother or sister at times to get the respect you know you give and deserve. No one said it was easy. Take it from me, its not easy at all. Its hard as hell. The other end of the rainbow is worth all the hard work it takes to have real relationships now days. Not fake. Not posers. Not haters. Real people. Genuine people. That is what I am after, that is what I look for now. Loyalty and quality. Great words of the day.
RB
During all that, I was carrying around so much. I tried to please everyone around me. I had best friends, who I thought were best friends, who I tried to please by just doing everything they wanted and agreeing all the time to what they wanted. I was a pleaser. I think a little to much. I just wanted to be liked and cared about. I try to be helpful to a fault. I think that was part of my downfall with these relationships. I tried to make them proud of me and they thought I was showing off. Those typed of responses aren't friends. And if any of that sounds familiar, family or not, the relationship is about to fall through. Sorry to say, unless you are able to talk about it, both of you, then it wont get any better. Dont be surprised when you think you are soooo close with someone or a couple and when you want to talk it out they dont even want to talk or end up being ugly to you like they never even cared to begin with. That can be more hurtful to but again, all part of the game from posers who act like friends. All they are here to do really is hurt, and be dark. No more dark for me, I only tie myself into the light, I am the light, I breathe it in, and let it absorb all around me. The brightest whitest light you can imagine. Thats what kills the hate. Light. Love. Life.
I now know that by thinking I was so in control, I wasnt in control of anything at all. It was stripped in seconds, so what was I really in control of. I know that if I kept up with how I was going then it was either the career or plan my funeral. I had to slow down and take care of myself, something of which I have never done. Not that I neglected myself, I just never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
I am very knowing of my own mind inside myself and I know that I am aware that I don't have to care about any of this, about anyone, about what ever else goes on with anyone else but myself. I am just not that way. I know I have it within me to care about other people even when I am going through a lot right now. Its not hard to know that I have heart. I care. I am more careful now about who I shower the love and care on. Some people don't like that or want it. They don't feel a family connection with anyone. They are the old hags of the family. Its all good, its takes all kinds you know. Its just another thing I have learned. And hey remember that most of the time family doesn't even act like family. Friends and strangers acts more decent to you sometimes than your brother or sister even. So don't let your troubled relationships get you down. You can only try so hard and compromise so much. Its a hard lesson to learn and can take a lot of tears. It takes even turning away from a brother or sister at times to get the respect you know you give and deserve. No one said it was easy. Take it from me, its not easy at all. Its hard as hell. The other end of the rainbow is worth all the hard work it takes to have real relationships now days. Not fake. Not posers. Not haters. Real people. Genuine people. That is what I am after, that is what I look for now. Loyalty and quality. Great words of the day.
RB
SO HARD
They can say whatever
I'ma do whatever
No pain is forever
Yup, you know this
Tougher than a lion
Ain't no need in tryin'
I live where the sky ends
Yup, you know this
Never lyin', truth teller
That Rihanna reign, just won't let up
All black on, blacked out shades
Blacked out Maybach
I'ma rock this shit like fashion, as in
goin' til they say stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bitch in heels right here
No fear, and while you getting your cry on
I'm getting my fly on
Sincere, I see you aiming at my pedastal
I betta let ya' know
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
All up on it
Know you wanna clone it
Aint like me
That chick to boney
Ride this beat, beat, beat like a pony
Meet me at the top (top, top)
Gettin' lonely
Who think they test me now
Run through your town
I shut it down
Brilliant, resilient
Fan mail from 27 million
And I want it all
It's gonna take more than that
Hope that ain't all you got
I need it all
The money, the fame, the cars, the clothes
I can't just let you run up on me like that (all on me like that)
Yeah
I see you aiming at my pedastal
So I think I gotta let ya' know
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
Go hard or go home
Back to your residence
Soon the red dogs will give the block back to the presidents
I used to run my own block like Obama did
You ain't gotta believe me, go ask my momma then
You couldn't even come in my room
it smelled like a kilo
Looked like me and two of my boys playing casino
Trying to sell they peeping my bag they can't afford it
Tell 'em to give me back my swag
They tryin' to clone me
See my Louis tux, Louis flag, Louis frames, Louis belt
What that make me
Louis mane?
I'm in an all white party wearin' all black
With my new black watch call it the heart attack
Cardiac arrest, cardiac a wrist
Yeah, they say they're hard
They ain't hard as this
Hard!
The one word describes me
If I wasn't doin' this
You know where I be, too hard
Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
Where dem bloggers at
Where dem bloggers at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
Where your lighters at
Where your lighters at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
I'ma do whatever
No pain is forever
Yup, you know this
Tougher than a lion
Ain't no need in tryin'
I live where the sky ends
Yup, you know this
Never lyin', truth teller
That Rihanna reign, just won't let up
All black on, blacked out shades
Blacked out Maybach
I'ma rock this shit like fashion, as in
goin' til they say stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bitch in heels right here
No fear, and while you getting your cry on
I'm getting my fly on
Sincere, I see you aiming at my pedastal
I betta let ya' know
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
All up on it
Know you wanna clone it
Aint like me
That chick to boney
Ride this beat, beat, beat like a pony
Meet me at the top (top, top)
Gettin' lonely
Who think they test me now
Run through your town
I shut it down
Brilliant, resilient
Fan mail from 27 million
And I want it all
It's gonna take more than that
Hope that ain't all you got
I need it all
The money, the fame, the cars, the clothes
I can't just let you run up on me like that (all on me like that)
Yeah
I see you aiming at my pedastal
So I think I gotta let ya' know
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
Go hard or go home
Back to your residence
Soon the red dogs will give the block back to the presidents
I used to run my own block like Obama did
You ain't gotta believe me, go ask my momma then
You couldn't even come in my room
it smelled like a kilo
Looked like me and two of my boys playing casino
Trying to sell they peeping my bag they can't afford it
Tell 'em to give me back my swag
They tryin' to clone me
See my Louis tux, Louis flag, Louis frames, Louis belt
What that make me
Louis mane?
I'm in an all white party wearin' all black
With my new black watch call it the heart attack
Cardiac arrest, cardiac a wrist
Yeah, they say they're hard
They ain't hard as this
Hard!
The one word describes me
If I wasn't doin' this
You know where I be, too hard
Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
Where dem bloggers at
Where dem bloggers at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
Where your lighters at
Where your lighters at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
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