So I get a call last Friday that they found a possible fracture in my femur and I am scheduled to go to talk to the Ortho Clinic and get counseled. Now this is stemming from the previous email 4-8-09, and if you dont have that update you may be lost..
We get there and it was unusually busy. Both my sisters went and my mom. See I was told in my visit on the 5th, that if I got a fracture in any of my bones, that its devastating, and I probably wouldnt recover. Then I get a call that I have a fracture, and bring on the tears people.
So my sisters and mother immediately know my mind goes to the bad place... its just I take all the worst info, and prepare myself for the worst. I do not prepare myself for curveballs, which to me this one was. I get in there and the doc explains that its what he calls a lesion. I have a present lesion on my bone. A lesion is deterioration of the bone, but not a significant crack per sa. It can, or may lead to a crack, or a break. If it breaks, he called it a catastrophic break... to me that means that Im done. Heaven bound or at the very best wheelchair bound. What he needs is to compare charts and decide how aggressive this lesion is. If it is aggressive, meaning it wasnt on last scans, and all the sudden is here then its aggressive. Then we are talking surgery to put nails and screws in my bones so it wont break. That is not the only "lesion" in my pelvic area and hip bones. I am trying to be a strong as I can.. its so hard. I broke down in the office. This is just something else ontop of my Mt Everest that I have to face. How much more news can I get. How much more can I take? Just when I think, ok, I know it all..... now I can prepare for what needs to happen. I get my legs kicked right out from under me, and no...now deal with this! no choice. If its not aggressive, meaning its been on the scans the whole time, that means that it wont be such a cause for alarm. Thing is, I know when the pain started. I feel every bit of pain that comes from my bones. And since all my previous doctors didnt tell me what was on my scans, I cant tell you if it was there. There are things that I found out in the ER that I thought were new, they just never told me. There is nothing that can be done about it. All I can do is go for my bone treatments, hope the pill is killing the cells on the bones, so they can regrow, and stand on the dart board for all the rest of the shots, news, feelings, and tears to come because I know they are. Its funny, that I will be fine for a couple of days, then slam.... I am forced to deal and think of things that are overwhelming to say the very least. I can feel myself getting stronger..... at least my heart is stronger. I can take sooooooooooo much. It takes so much for me to even cry. I thought I was all cried out. When you get diagnosed, you think ok, I know the worst, now what do we do. I have been steady getting one piece of bad news after another, trying to put the best spin on it, trying to make it through another minute.. another hour, another day. Its not easy. But as always, no choice, no other way to go. Except in the ground. And Im not ready for that. I went to my dads grave on last Fathers Day, for the first time in like 20 years. It was then I realized he was killed at the age of 30. It sent me spiraling and that it felt like I had his fate, I wasnt going to make it past 30 either. Another thing is my sister, is having a girl due almost on my exact bday. I was, and to be honest its not out of my head, what they say, one life in one life out. It happened with my fathernlaw. He passed and literally the next days, I found out I was pregnant with Kristen. Scares me too.. I have not told anyone this. When my 31 bday came around last year, I was the only one quietly sighing a breathe of relief. A short relief if any... I am stilll scared to death... living my life....what else can I do? What I really am looking forward to, is that new energy, fresh from heaven, fresh youth. Maybe I can suck some of that right back into me. Post menapausal at 30... who ever heard of such of thing.... oh yeah... me.
I have to stay off my leg, no significant pressure for another month, where I will go back in and get xrays to see the progression. At this time I will know if I need surgery... so they say. Im so glad my mother took this over. I cant deal with all this by myself anymore. My mother and sisters have really been there for me since weve been at this new place. A real understanding of real respect, love, and encouragement is something we are sharing.
So dam, music has been my one real crutch. Nothing like a song to make you feel however you need to feel. Gangsta, love, sad, emo, happy, jammin, dancing... that is when I can look in the mirror and say... oh there you are. That and when I hear from my friends and family. The ones who really care. That tell me, you are the strong one, you are a force. That is who you are. Not who you were. Those are the ones who really know me, who really love me, and who really know exactly what to say to me when i feel like giving up... Bit*h...getup and fight! That is sometimes what I need to here...
thats about all i can take for now... ttyl
About Renee and my blog!
- Renee Bravo
- Dallas, TEXAS, United States
- I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer at the age of 29 years old. I am a work in progress. I am learning, growing, and trying to raise awareness for Early Detection. I believe in Girl Power and the power of Prayer. I am a mother, a wife, a strong woman in the 30th century. I have zero history in my family, and I have tested negative for the BRCA gene. I should not be facing this right now, but I am. I figure its for a reason. I decided to share my experiences more for awareness but also a place for my family to get updates. I do not send out email updates to anyone, I post it here. Here I am, I hold nothing back. If I ask anything, its to learn something from what I have been through, and make your life better because of it, treat someone better because of it, love someone more genuinely because of it. And most important of all, make sure all the women in your life have regular mammograms or MRI's. No choice. I believe 40 is too long to wait. Women today need to start early. I would love to hear or talk to any of you. God Bless.
