Randy Pausch

I have to say when I think of hero I think of this man. His last lecture. A friend sent me a copy of the cd of The Last Lecture and it was difficult to watch. I had to in stages. But it was good for me. Dare I say that I am trying to leave a small bit of the affect he had on the world. It is tough for me to speak of him. I didnt even know him. I only know of his brave face he kept while staring death straight in the face. When he lost his battle, I really took it personally. I know he had a different cancer, and different circumstances but the message is the same. That is where I sit from looking in. Maybe I will be able to touch on this subject more later. I just had to make some sort of tribute to this brave man.... and his message.

Hecka Great Time on Sunday

I have to say hats of to my Uncle Crae formerly given the title of Unc is the crawfish master. He has having a crawfish boil down to a science and I have to thank our wonderful hosts Mike and Reather. Its always fun hanging out. Swimming. Gardening. I love you guys garden. Fun in the sun and serving it up by the pound. Those 60 pounds came and went... I cant believe there was still some when we left. I for the first time was completely full on crawfish. And as Chris says, the Craetoofay (have no clue how to spell that), was delicious as well. Beer chicken. Roasted corn. Crawfish. Beer. Fun. It was a day to remember. That man can cook Judy, he is a keeper. But you already know that..lol. Love you guys!

My friend Alice

I want to dedicate this posting to a friend that I used to have. She is technically family too but I called her my friend. I realize during all that I have been through that I wasnt there for her at the time in her life she needed me. She had major tragedy in her family and when she pulled away from me I should have been more understanding. All I saw was the hurt from her not calling me back, that I didnt think about how much pain she must still be in, what else I could do to be there for her like the best friends we used to be. I miss her. And I dont care who reads this. I am women enough to admit when I am wrong too, and I was wrong. There were other factors that got caught up in all this, but in the long run its all petty. I know when to say when. I know lives have moved on, but we had some great times. Thats what I think about when I think about my friend. Not one stupid fight that made us not talk since. Anyway, own up, dont lose your friends. People that would give anything, and have given alot for you. You would be lucky to find another friend like that.
Peace!

Christina Applegate

I want to say that I saw her for the 2nd time today on Oprah. That show originally aired last October during breast cancer awareness month. I could bear it a little more this time. The first time it was on, it was one of the hardest things to sit through. Its finally someone who knows what you are going through. I wasnt so lucky in finding my cancer early, that is why I fight for early detection. For women to get checked early. She is fighting to bring the same message out there and I feel like she is a fellow soldier. A fighter. And a survivor. I am working to get there. I thought I would clarify why I havent had a double mastectomy yet.
When I first started all this I was ready to march in there and do what I had to do. In my case the doctors basically told me that they do a mastectomy to prevent spreading. My cancer had already spread. It was so depressing to know that the doctors basically told me there is no point to do the surgery that they usually use to save women from this. That was a rock bottom day.
Personally, I know I will have to have to surgery eventually. By my own choice. I plan on having reconstruction as well if I ever get the go to do the surgery. It would be elective, or until I can find a surgeon who feels differently. Chris feels that if you cut of the brain the rest will die. He wants me to have to surgery. He says whatever will keep me here with him longer is what we will do. Maybe its a good thing that I have the time to prepare. I have had to have one surgery after another though, so maybe that is the preparation. I dont know. I search for comfort, for answers, for reasons to move forward or not.
I saw such bravery, such heartache in her. I dont see the bravery in myself, I sometimes think I am not strong enough. Just when Susan Komen's sister was on and talking about her sister, and she had to turn to Christina and say, remember that is not you. We identify so much with someone with a similar story, that if that person loses their battle its devastating to the mental aspect of things. The sadness in her eyes was the sadness I recognize. Its denial. Its disbelief.
I am just starting to realize the blessing part of it. She said she was told by Melissa Etheridge that it was a blessing and be thankful. That everyday is a different day, and you can change everything now. Its coming clear that if you dont use this as a blessing that it will eat you alive. I can choose to spiral into the depths of hell, or climb the mountain to the light. I choose light.
I am with you Christina. Every step of the way!

Pain Management Update

Went to pain management. Met the nurse and doctor there. I really liked her. She is taking over my pain medication. The nutritionist had to leave in the morning before we got to see her but we will see her as soon as we can. I am happy to report this is the first of any of my doctors who has told me that nothing is irreversible. Can you believe it? I have never heard those words from any of my doctors. It was encouragement I know. But still. It means alot to hear at least a little hope coming from the people that are taking care of you. I go tomorrow to the ortho doc again. They will xray my leg. See the progression. Supposedly let me know if I will need surgery. Well see about that. My guess, they will say lets check it again in a month. Honestly, I have been using my cane as much as I can. Sometimes I just start walking out of habit without my cane. On my own, I dont walk to much, I call it saving my steps. If I sit or lay all day, then I can walk to get Kristen, or go to the store. I am not going to just lay back and loose my progress I have made. I believe my leg is better. Not progressive. We will see. I have been swimming a couple of times. Have a slight tan already...lol.. fun in the sun as they say. Kids out of school in a week. Cant wait. I hold on to the positive and I do feel positive. Good thing for sure.

MY First Mountain MOVED

I thought I would share my first accomplishment related to my cancer. Well the first one is the most important to me so far. This was a challenge I made against myself. I chose the people to have with me on that special night. Chris, my mom, Alan, and Carol. My mom was there babysitting for me and we had a bottle of champagne to open for when we got back from the party to celebrate with her (my mom).

Reasoning for picking them to share my special moment:

Alan has always been a great guy, and has done so much for me over the years. I always loved talking with him about anything and everything doing with business, and life in general. I never told him, but if I ever had a dad, he is everything I would have wished for. When I had to choose a day to induce my labor for Kristen, it happened to be March, and it happened to be in the span that included March19th, which is Alan's bday. So I chose Alan's bday. She happened to come before that, but it is written in her chart that she was scheduled to be born on the 19th. He was also there on my original wedding when Chris and I got hitched in Vegas. He drove us to the airport (since they couldnt go) which (to me) was his way of walking me down the aisle..lol.. Its silly to say... I knew him before Carol did. My mother introduced them to each other. My old stepdad, Lisa's dad knew a guy named Dino, who knew Alan and brought him over to our house one time when he visited. After that he came over a few times and visited. They used to work out with Lewis or bike...lol..somethin like that. neways.. After she got to know him well enough, my mom thought he would be perfect for her sister Carol. So she introduced them. They have been together ever since. Carol used to babysit us (my sister and I) for my mom. My mom has 12 brothers and sisters of all ages so while some are off in different cities or working, the ones that are around are the ones you remember the most from your childhood. No fault of their own, they are just off living. I knew Carol to be one of the cool aunts. When your a kid you remember who was cool to you or when someone is mean to you. Hence, they (Alan & Carol)have been around me since I was a kid. Later....Alan hit it off really well with Chris. It was a given that I get along with Carol. We ended up doing everything together. Birthdays, Friday night dinners, Mardi Gras, Journey concerts, , movies, hanging out as each others houses, the State Fair, you name it, we did it. Time flew. I never thought about it but before we know it over 10 years goes by. Heck Christopher was about 2-3 years old, and he is about to be 16 so you do the math.



I dont think anyone (even Chris) realized what a special day that was for me. It was the first time I felt like maybe I would be ok. It was the first mind over matter experience for me. I just wouldnt accept that I may not ever walk again. I would not accept that I would never dance again, as corny as that sounds. I would not accept that I would be confined to a chair or a bed when I have so much to do.



When I was first diagnosed and had radiation on my lower spine and abdomen it made the nerve pain and the pain down my legs unbearable. I could not stand, I could not walk, I could not sit up straight. When I had to take a shower I would just stand there and cry because I wasnt able to stand for any length of time without my leg seizing up. I would take a few steps and then I would seize up. I would try to sit down and it was painful. I had to do this slouching position. I had such a hard time then because it was so sudden. I couldn't drive, I couldn't do anything. All this started in April 07 right from the get go.


The Christmas of 06, Chris's company threw the best, most lavish party there ever was. It was at the Four Seasons, they rented out every ballroom and turned it into a theme in every room type deal. Full food, full service bar, live band and a dance floor to boot. We went in 06, and it was the most fun Chris and I have had in a long time. When all this happened, I couldn't believe that I may not be able to dance at the party coming up this year in 07. So that was it. I told Chris that I would be walking, and dancing by this years Christmas party, no questions asked.


This gave me target date to shoot for and a mini goal to reach for. The months pass by, I finished my 16 radiation treatments. To tell you the extent of my radiation, it made me baron, unable to bear any more children. Hard pill to swallow. Also the level of radiation I would have needed to completely eradicate the cancer on my spine would have paralyzed me. The radiation oncologist gave me the dosage he could. After that, I went to pain management, I did everything I could to try to figure out a way around this pain. I felt that the pain management I had at the time did not have any affect... I talk about that in another posting...anyways


So all the while my sister gets me a walker, and I refused to use it. I asked my grandmother to carve me a cane (she is a woodcarver) and she did. Its a beautiful cane, and still I refused to use it. When I would use it, it would hurt worse. I was overcompensating from what the doc said. I didnt want my body to get used to bending all sorts of wierd ways just to walk..



SO I just pushed on. I walked no matter what, hurt or not. I would commit to walking the few blocks to pick up Kristen at school everyday. Making sure I have sunglasses on, for when the tears came. I never let her see me cry.


Along comes the special day, and we can think of no other to invite than my Uncle Alan, and my aunt Carol who up until recently have been a constant presence in our lives . Many a dinner, many a night, many a bottle of wine has been spent with them. We took pictures together that night, that I let Alan & Carol take home with them. Maybe they will post it sometime....



Anyway



My aunt Mary took me to get a manicure, and pedicure, my uncle (hairdresser, Stanley Korshak) cut my hair for me, and I went to get a dress and shoes for the formal night.












Folks, I did it. I went to that Christmas party and danced the night away. They called us on stage to dance, and I was like come on Carol lets go. She said no she didnt want to go. Sorry I had to leave her standing there, because there was no way I wasnt going to jump on stage and celebrate the fact that I can even dance without breaking down in tears, without having to endure pain in secret so no has a bad time, that I can even dance at all. I was the first one up there then the flood gates opened. A bunch of girls followed. You know how it takes one person to get the party started then every one else that wanted to go but was too shy, gets up and comes out. Well I will be the one to get the party started, you can count on that! I can say later, maybe after a few drinks loosened her up, she finally got up there and danced.



It didn't matter, I made it. I was walking. I was standing. I was dancing. It was the most special day I have had in a long time. A night to remember.

Coast to Coast AM

I wanted to share with you that I got onto the radio not to long ago. If anyone knows me or my grandmother, they know we are fans of the late night talk show Coast to Coast Am. It touches on all kinds of subjects from paranormal, to scientific, government, to other dimensions, to time travel.. the list goes on. You would be fascinated by some of the items discussed on this program. Being as my grandma is a night owl like myself, and the fact that I haven't exactly slept in 2 years... I stay up late and I find myself tuning in. Well on March 27, 2009 there was a lady on the program by the name of Diana Cooper. She explained how she got cancer in her twenties with no history and how it was a life changing experience. She ended up believing in angels and communicating with angels. She was talking and I was listening to what she was saying about being able to call on angels for things as small as help with a parking space. That all we had to do was ask. She also said that we can send angels to other people in need, and also call upon them ourselves at any time. I said ok, if this is true, then I want to get through to the show tonight. I call on the Angels to get me on the radio. So I waited for them to give the number out, and I called. And I called until I got a ring. I got an answer and they put me on hold to talk to George Noory! Anyone who knows this show knows this is a big deal. I waited and I waited, and then I hear, this is Renee in Dallas.... I couldnt believe it. I was on the radio, first time caller, worldwide program, and I got through. So I told them very briefly what the deal was, and asked for everyone listening to send an angel my way tonight. She told me that just by asking I automatically got angels sent to me, not to mention the ones being sent by others. She told me that I was going through this because I needed to slow down. She told me that I had the power to heal myself. I couldnt believe that I got through. There was enough of a delay that I got to hang up, and then hear myself back again. It was so cool. I cant tell you the sense of overwhelming calm and joy that overtook me. I could feel the angels all around me. I could feel the care of the world upon my shoulders. It felt pretty great. I cant even describe the feeling. It must be what heaven feels like. Like love multiplied by thousands. The cool thing is alot of people that dont stay up late can download the show and lots of people listen at all times of the day. So I knew and felt the angels being sent to me not only that night, but still by the people listening later. You can still listen to it if you wanted to. I am dubbing a copy for my grandma. It was my proof of angels all around me. Needless to say, I will ask all of you to send me an angel, send me and angel, right now.... right now... ok did anyone else burst into song there... 80's music at its best... anyway... This Diana Cooper also had some pretty cool things to say about unicorns too... but that for another post.
I thought it was pretty cool, ask and I received. I didnt need proof. I know that there are angels and that I have heavily depended on every bit on my angels, guides, spirits, and guidance, that I can. Lord knows I have needed it.

I call on Jesus, angels, My Saint, Archangel Raphael, to heal me, mind body and soul. I ask that you watch over each and every person who reads this blog as we all seek to do better within ourselves and within the world. I am here to answer your call. Amen. Dont be afraid to call on your angels, your hope. It makes everything a little bit brighter, a little bit more bearable.
According to Lakewood Church, and Pastor Joel Osteen all you need to do is say, Jesus, I bring you into my heart. I make you my Lord and Saviour... to start a new. I have said it and said it. I mean it too. And hey people shunned Jesus too, so I am in good company right? Love to the masses!

Remember

Its important for me to say that I care very much about my family and what they are going through as well. I dont point the finger all the time and say me, me, me. Lately I have just been able to express feelings that I have not been able to express ever. Pent up emotions that I can not let myself get caught up in or I will not heal. I can not allow myself to feel anything but happy times. What I love to do is be there for family. I cook for my family, I send food, plates, a care package as Chris likes to call it. I make sure my people are fed. I will take off my own plate for you in a minute. I serve the men. I believe when a man works hard its not a big deal to get them their plate and let them relax. Get them a beer. No big deal. I dont know anything else. Although I havent exactly been involved in anyones life lately. It seems like no one wants to burden me with anything or have me burden them. Not judging, just observing. I know people have alot going on. I know people have their own lives, own problems, their own issues they have to deal with. I think all it did was alienate me from everyone because I felt abandoned. Dont get me wrong, so many people have been there for me as well. My grandmother is a walking angel on this earth. She sees past alot of bull. Her and I have had some great conversations. And trust me, she knows the real deal. Many of my distant family has come to aid. My fathers family are there sending me prayers. I dont know anymore. I have become so discouraged and then on the other hand renewed. I dont know how else to make sense of it but to say that I only try to not make anyone feel as I have felt when I am hurt. Do unto others as best as I can. I dont judge anyone. I only make observations of my life, of what has happened from my point of view. If no one shares their point of view, well mine is all I have isnt it. I feel I have tried so hard. I have treated people kindly always. I am very direct, blunt, but I dont say anything to hurt feelings. I like to put it all out there, hold nothing on my heart. When I feel I am wronged, I see nothing else. I have only tried to be the best I can to everyone. And I will continue to be the best I can be strangers, friends, family. I can only be me. Thats all I can be.

Permission

I do not give permission to copy, print, or reproduce my blog in any way. These are all my own thoughts, words, blood, sweat, and tears. I give permission to forward the link to as many as you can, and soon my video blogs will be available to forward as well. Yay a new subject. I am currently learning editing, video and production.

www.kickingcancersass.blogspot.com

Anyway, off point, this material is copywritten, so dont copy me... in the word of Missy Elliot...lol.. lator, gator!

Grieving

I go through a lot of books. I try to gain knowledge and also try to find new ways to think about things. New ideas, new approaches. I read a lot of books about grieving after my 4 month old niece passed away from SIDS in 2001. Trying to look for some kind of answers. Trying to learn what I could to try to help my sister. Try to help us all through this. Its been a while since I pulled out and looked at any material of this subject. What I realized when I was having a really hard time, when I was severely depressed, when I would just cry and cry that a lot of it was over the things that I would miss if I did not win my battle. So many things from being able to see my kids graduate, watching my business's grow and become successful, selling my first flip, retiring on our ranch/nature reserve/dog rescue. I mean the list goes on and on. When I say I plan and make goals I mean it. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Life is what happens when your busy making plans right. Well all the plans were made. I realized that everyday I was letting go of another possibility, dreading the thoughts of something that I had always planned to be at, to do and now I may not get to. I realized that I was grieving. So here I go to pull out my reading material on grieving and sure enough. It also made me think that none of us are offered a sure thing anyway. Mind you, this is months and months of thinking, misery, crying, and realizing all wrapped into a paragraph so forgive if it sounds light. This is a major breakthrough for me. I also realized finally that I can still have goals, just because I may take a different route to get there doesnt make it any less of a goal, any less of a journey. I used to think I knew so much, that I had at least a little of it figured out. Turns out, I am learning still. That is good for me though, it means I am choosing to grow as a person, to look at my own faults which is more than I can say for some people. To each his own right. Like I said, if you dont learn it when it presents itself for you to learn, then life will find a different way to teach you. Simple as that.

Major Realization-Education

So I have been toying with schools, doing very in depth research, looking into scholarships so that I could sit here and have a masters degree by the time I am done healing. I am good at so many things. There are so many directions I could go with picking a major. I finally settled on Accounting and Business with accreditation's in 13 other categories. Yes I said it right, 13. I would end up with an Associate in Business with 5 special recognition categories, and a Bachelor in Accounting with 8 special recognition categories which would fall into to line with my business plans, allow me to be my own accountant, be a certified CPA, and run my business until I get enough for my property management company which is where all my hard work would end up. Real estate. My true callings are real estate, and stock market. The financial world. Money. Numbers. I excel at all these things. I have learned the insides and outs of real estate and also have a real estate school lined up as well. To be able to put my own homes on the market and sell them. I dont need a license to sell homes in Texas, but it does give you access to MLS which is very helpful for comps... ok I just went off into another world. What I realized after aaaallllloooot of thinking that my main focus now is to heal. I just told myself to slow down, focus on healing and then I can unleash the monster of learning that I have inside me. What you really look for is something that makes you happy. Well, I know one thing, doing this blog makes me happy. Trying to help people makes me happy. Trying to cause awareness make me happy. Trying to save lives makes me happy. I am learning to have faith, to let go of so much control and it will come to me anyway. I know I will be in real estate, I know I will be in the stock market. I know that I will help women. I can do all of it. In the particular order of healing helping, and helping healing. All I know is that I got word back that because of my begging and pleading with women to get tested, some did, and some found cancer. It saved them. That makes me feel good beyond words. If I could save one women I said, when I started this, it would all be worth it. Early detection is what I am talking about. Being proactive. Making sure you dont go through having to deal with anything worse than you have to. I can live with devoting my life to helping save the lives of as many people as I can, and I would be just fine with it. Perspective is something you gain when you open your ears, your heart, your life, for someone else. I am definitely learning all I can. I am trying anyway. I hope to inspire as many of you as I can do be passionate and do what makes you happy inside your heart. If you listen, your heart speaks to you. Your angels speak to you. Your conscience speaks to you. Get out of your own way, get out of what people may think of you. Lets do this together.

Control

I have thought a lot about the control that I have try to have over my life. This Stage 4 Cancer is not the only big challenge that I have had. I was a teen mother. I had my son at age 16. My husband and I have made a success out of it now that my son is about to be 16, and our daughter just turned 8. I should be an advocate for teen pregnancy as well and how to succeed at it because, I did, and I am succeeding at it. You see, when I found out of course it was a big thing, a life changing thing. I was pushed by high school to consider abortion, and adoption as an option for my son because the statistics of young families that succeed were all against us. Again family had plenty to say about it. Plenty to say about Chris, plenty to say about me. I vowed that I would make all those people eat their words and I did, and I have, and I will continue too. My children weren't going to be any ones statistics. I was going to make sure that they had direction, something I didn't get from anyone. I took the one time, (and yes it takes only one time young girls out there!), and had to change my whole life because of it. But I did it. I knew what I was going to have to do, I made the plan and I did it. I have very successful children, I am about to pay a house off, and before I was diagnosed I had the job I wanted, in the building I wanted, and the car I wanted in the house that I was paying cash for. Tell me that I didnt have control over my life. I went to school and worked and had a 1-2 year old. I worked my way up through the chains of the business world and made my money. I am a firm believer that experience is every bit as valuable than a degree of any kind. I made the same money as a person with a bachelor degree. I had a 2006 (brand new at the time) Mustang GT package, silver with black racing stripes. I worked my way up, got great experience, and was able to negotiate my salary to what I wanted. Basically everything I had worked for since I was 15 years old, and I found out I was pregnant came crashing down around me within a months time when I was diagnosed with cancer. I had to go on disability, and I lost my car. I couldn't drive it anyway, the pain when I would drive was almost unbearable. But I didn't care. I loved my mustang. I know this is why it was so much harder to take when I lost everything. Two years later, I realize I made it much harder on myself or maybe its just that its been 2 years and its not as hurtful. I just know that my thoughts were wrapped around accomplishing goals. I had accomplished my goals, and just like that it was wiped out. But that is where the control comes in. I was in control of everything in my life. I don't know anything else. Then all the sudden I had to give up control of everything in a snap second. Something I didn't know how to do. I am a scientific mind in that I develop my plan after I know what is happening. No one could tell me what was happening. How do I make my plan?
With this, I have to give up all the control that I have always known and embrace the unknown. Embrace the fact I cant know everything, and that its ok. I have never known that its ok to not know sometimes. I have never had to let go like this. I know its going to be a very hard thing to remember, try to practice, and try to remind myself of since this is all I have known. I am positive again in the fact that I feel better mentally, the pain is there as always, but I am controlling (there is that word again...lol) it as best I can with meds. I still get sick, hot flashes, dizziness, and am tired all the time. But I am here. I will see what this world has in store for me as I go with the flow, and not against it.

Doctor Visit May 5

I have purposefully not written to let everything sink in. We went to the visit where they were supposed to have this great plan of action for me. I told my mother as she was trying to make me feel better after the ortho appt., that nothing would change, and not to get disappointed when they dont change my meds and basically say the same thing. I think that previous to this I thought my personal army of doctors would come in and say, well you obviously want to live, then here we are, lets save you. It just doesnt happen that way. They basically tell you that how long you live doesnt matter now, its you quality of life. Well you know where they can stick that. I am writing this for the women out there that can save themselves because of all the crap I have been through. They can say, well we can cut half of that out and just take the lessons I have learned away. It doesn't matter to me. I have crossed a threshold of making this not about me, making it about how I saved my life, my sanity, my spirit, my feelings. Lots of people dont exactly write out there rock bottom moments for everyone to read, judge, comment on. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is why I write it. I got you thinking, didnt I? SOOOO
back to the doctor, I went in this time with a renewed attitude, and I just showed up for my appt, got my pain meds, and let my mom hear that they arent changing anything and we left. Of course I had to tell her, I told you so. But its just what I have learned. They dont wanna over commit. They dont wanna promise something they cant. Its a big hurry up and wait. I can say that I am going back to Pain Management, which I have already done. The 3 cortisone shots in my spine didnt anything for me the last time. I have been told to give it another chance. I also am going to speak to a nutritionist which I have never done. You think this stuff would be a given. Well its not.
Learn as I go...

Friday-May1

I went today and had more scans. They schedued me for 10, 10:30am and 8pm. The 8pm one was the MRI. The one where they slide you in the big magnet that takes pictures. This one was for my abdomen. The first CT scans were for my neck and chest. So they shot radioactive dye in me 3 times that day. We spent alllllll day there. I do not like doing MRI's. They take sooo long. The last time I was in, the lady said that it would take 45 minutes. You must lay still, not move, and listen to the machine and the lady for when you have to take a breathe in and hold it for the pictures. another thing, Im not a fish, It was tough to hold it for the length that it takes to get the pictures they need. So 45 minutes came and went, and here I am still in the machine. I started freaking out in there, crying and it wasnt a great memory. These are the last scans till my appt. We'll see.

YEAH

HERE THAT...COMING BACK!

Today's Word with Joel & Victoria

You Have Been Planted
TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain"(John 12:24, NKJ)
TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
We all face difficulties and challenges in life. But you have to remember, as a believer in Jesus, you have the life-giving seed of Almighty God on the inside of you. When you go through disappointments or tough times, you may feel like you’ve been buried. You may feel like you’re in a dark, lonely place. You may feel like it’s the end, but in reality, it’s only the beginning. The fact is, you haven’t been buried; you have been planted. That means you’re coming back. And not only are you coming back, but you’re coming back in increase, better and stronger than before.
In those tough times, you’ve got to draw the line in the sand. Make a declaration, “This difficulty is not going to bury me. This loss, this disappointment, this injustice is not going to cause me to give up on my dreams. I refuse to live in self-pity. I know I am a seed. That means I cannot be buried. I can only be planted. I may be down, but it’s only temporary. I know I’m not only coming back, I’m coming back even better than I was before!”
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in heaven, thank You for filling me with Your life-giving seed. I choose today to focus on the potential for my future. I know that I will overcome every obstacle by Your power that is at work in me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

New Readers

To my new readers,
I was diagnosed in 2007 and have been writing this blog ever since. I have the first year or so of posts printed and in a notebook for a possible book later, and its no longer posted. So if you have any questions about what I am going through, lost, want to know something or are scared to go to the doctor, then I am here to talk. Please I beg you, dont be scared. Literally life and death depends on it. I am fighting my fight with the best thougts I can, and the best way I know how. This is a place for my thoughts, feelings, songs, anything that I need off my chest, anything I want to update my family on, want to share, or for all the new people, awareness. Guidance. Caring. Sometimes strangers care more about each other than family. If you are alone and have no one, I can relate. Even though I have family in the home, for along time I did and do not feel that alot of people can actually relate. Not their fault but nonetheless its the same. So my main thoughts now, are helping other women get early detection. Girl power!!

Renee

If today was your last day?

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes '
Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day


Nickelback is so awesome! Love this song...now everyone sing....

Forgiveness to me

Its a crazy world out there. Its redundant to dwell. I have found that you take steps backwards when you get upset or unwilling to forgive. Its one thing to stand up for yourself, or what you believe in, or when you believe you are wronged. Its another thing to own up to your part of it no matter how big or small. If you cant realize that, then you cant start here at forgiveness where you look at your life and try to fix the parts that cause you pain. You have to start with you, you have to know who you are. You have to be willing to not just sit there and point fingers. If you are pointing fingers and not willing to resolve the issue, then you are just a spoiled brat. I am not saying that I have not been stubborn, and just so mad at the way I have been treated that it turns your whole world upside down. If you dont learn from it then you will repeat it. The lesson will be learned one way or another. If you arent willing to learn it when it presents itself to you for you to learn, then there will be a situation in your life come up where you will learn it the hard way. You can say...well you are one to talk... well your dam right. I am one to talk. And I am one to learn. I am one to teach. I am one to resolve it all with the Lord, then try to follow the gracious footsteps of Jesus. Goes back to WWJD. Simple as that. Maybe I should delete all I have written, because all that I have been trying to say, trying to get across is simply learned with 4 letters. WWJD. What would Jesus Do? When you think from a place of pure royalty, pure light, pure goodness then you follow the guidance of your heart not your mind where all these bull thoughts get in the way. Lesson learned....

Ortho Update

So I get a call last Friday that they found a possible fracture in my femur and I am scheduled to go to talk to the Ortho Clinic and get counseled. Now this is stemming from the previous email 4-8-09, and if you dont have that update you may be lost..

We get there and it was unusually busy. Both my sisters went and my mom. See I was told in my visit on the 5th, that if I got a fracture in any of my bones, that its devastating, and I probably wouldnt recover. Then I get a call that I have a fracture, and bring on the tears people.

So my sisters and mother immediately know my mind goes to the bad place... its just I take all the worst info, and prepare myself for the worst. I do not prepare myself for curveballs, which to me this one was. I get in there and the doc explains that its what he calls a lesion. I have a present lesion on my bone. A lesion is deterioration of the bone, but not a significant crack per sa. It can, or may lead to a crack, or a break. If it breaks, he called it a catastrophic break... to me that means that Im done. Heaven bound or at the very best wheelchair bound. What he needs is to compare charts and decide how aggressive this lesion is. If it is aggressive, meaning it wasnt on last scans, and all the sudden is here then its aggressive. Then we are talking surgery to put nails and screws in my bones so it wont break. That is not the only "lesion" in my pelvic area and hip bones. I am trying to be a strong as I can.. its so hard. I broke down in the office. This is just something else ontop of my Mt Everest that I have to face. How much more news can I get. How much more can I take? Just when I think, ok, I know it all..... now I can prepare for what needs to happen. I get my legs kicked right out from under me, and no...now deal with this! no choice. If its not aggressive, meaning its been on the scans the whole time, that means that it wont be such a cause for alarm. Thing is, I know when the pain started. I feel every bit of pain that comes from my bones. And since all my previous doctors didnt tell me what was on my scans, I cant tell you if it was there. There are things that I found out in the ER that I thought were new, they just never told me. There is nothing that can be done about it. All I can do is go for my bone treatments, hope the pill is killing the cells on the bones, so they can regrow, and stand on the dart board for all the rest of the shots, news, feelings, and tears to come because I know they are. Its funny, that I will be fine for a couple of days, then slam.... I am forced to deal and think of things that are overwhelming to say the very least. I can feel myself getting stronger..... at least my heart is stronger. I can take sooooooooooo much. It takes so much for me to even cry. I thought I was all cried out. When you get diagnosed, you think ok, I know the worst, now what do we do. I have been steady getting one piece of bad news after another, trying to put the best spin on it, trying to make it through another minute.. another hour, another day. Its not easy. But as always, no choice, no other way to go. Except in the ground. And Im not ready for that. I went to my dads grave on last Fathers Day, for the first time in like 20 years. It was then I realized he was killed at the age of 30. It sent me spiraling and that it felt like I had his fate, I wasnt going to make it past 30 either. Another thing is my sister, is having a girl due almost on my exact bday. I was, and to be honest its not out of my head, what they say, one life in one life out. It happened with my fathernlaw. He passed and literally the next days, I found out I was pregnant with Kristen. Scares me too.. I have not told anyone this. When my 31 bday came around last year, I was the only one quietly sighing a breathe of relief. A short relief if any... I am stilll scared to death... living my life....what else can I do? What I really am looking forward to, is that new energy, fresh from heaven, fresh youth. Maybe I can suck some of that right back into me. Post menapausal at 30... who ever heard of such of thing.... oh yeah... me.

I have to stay off my leg, no significant pressure for another month, where I will go back in and get xrays to see the progression. At this time I will know if I need surgery... so they say. Im so glad my mother took this over. I cant deal with all this by myself anymore. My mother and sisters have really been there for me since weve been at this new place. A real understanding of real respect, love, and encouragement is something we are sharing.


So dam, music has been my one real crutch. Nothing like a song to make you feel however you need to feel. Gangsta, love, sad, emo, happy, jammin, dancing... that is when I can look in the mirror and say... oh there you are. That and when I hear from my friends and family. The ones who really care. That tell me, you are the strong one, you are a force. That is who you are. Not who you were. Those are the ones who really know me, who really love me, and who really know exactly what to say to me when i feel like giving up... Bit*h...getup and fight! That is sometimes what I need to here...


thats about all i can take for now... ttyl