I have recently started having severe pain in my other leg. The same pain that I originally had in my right leg and its severe. It makes doing everyday things so hard.
It is the same situation when my right leg hurt like this. My femur bone in my right leg showed on the scans that the cancer had eaten almost halfway through my bone and could snap on worst case scenario. How scary is that? How painful is that? My option was the orthopedic surgery. My pain management doctor told me after the surgery that the doctors in there use the same tools as carpenters use to get that rod in there and in the right place. Google orthopedic surgery and see for yourself. They hammer and pry and chisel and whatever else they need to do. Trust me when I woke up I was in intensive care for 9 hours and I was never supposed to even be in there. It hurt so terribly that I cried the entire time, none of the pain meds worked, and I saw the staff change shifts before I got any comfort from the pain. They finally installed a pump that went off every 6 minutes. Luckily, I started climbing uphill very quickly after that. Once I was able to get my bearings, the rehabilitation and physical therapy department came to visit. They showed me how to climb stairs, and how to get into my house. Several things that I had to be careful of and get used to again. I was cleared from the physical therapy department but they ended up keeping me an extra night due to all the pain I experienced.
Anyway, I came home the next day and my right leg is doing great. I know the steel rod works because it supports me as I need. It has probably fused with my bone and I think is doing very well. The pain of it fusing is still there. I do still experience pain in my right leg but it is pain that I can take.
It feels like to me that my left leg is experiencing pain now and I wanted the scans done to see whats going on...good or bad..
So last weekend my mom and sister and I went on a celebration to Toni & Guy Salon to get our hair cut, styled, and colored as a celebration that we didn't have to shave our heads after all. No chemo, no bald heads. It was also time to donate our hair to Locks of Love anyways. So they worried about me being able to stand being at the beauty shop all day. I said this is a celebration and there is nothing that can keep me from getting my summer cut. My view is if I just stay here and sit here in pain then that wont be good. I at least can get my hair cut like a normal person, and if the pain got unbearable I would have stepped out. Most of the time it is so intense that it does bring me to tears. Although I have been able to do breathing exercises and do the best I can to calm down until it subsides. I loaded up on pain pills this day for sure...lol
So the next thing is they will scan me and tell me how much of my femur bone that the cancer has eaten and if I will need the surgery that I had on my right leg, I am guessing that is in my future for my left leg as well.
I was trying to cut down on all the pills I have to take, I was going to make it where I didn't need anymore pain pills. The pain pills make it subside, its in the background just for long enough to do little things here and there. I often times must listen to my body and go sit down. It doesn't matter if I am done or not done doing my tasks. A chore is never more important than your health and being in pain. I am so stubborn at times and I say, I am not going to let it keep me down. If I don't grin and bear it then in a sense I feel its winning. I often push through and take those few more steps whether I have to cry to do it I will. I am not going to sit by and let my bones just be eaten alive and not try to strengthen them or do what I can to make my muscles stronger.
I know I wouldn't even be able to get up at all if I didn't have those pills to help me get up. And I hate pills. I have gotten so good at it I can take 10-20 pills at a time. I know my next oncology appt is coming up and I have been trying to make it until then. I try to tolerate everything. I know I can only do that for so long, I must get this leg scanned. I know that is what I need. I will let you know what they say....

I went to my doctor visit last week. I ended up thinking I wasn't going to get to see my doctor but I did. I was glad I did. Let me tell you why.
I was first seen by a guy who I thought was my new doctor who ended up being the chemo doctor. He for some reason thought I refused chemo. I told him that I have no other choice right? What kind of question was that I thought...I asked him how long I would need this chemo and he said until it stops working. Now I don't know what kind of answer that is but I said....Okay.... and at that time he told me that he was going to get the paperwork for the permission to go forward and he would be back.
When I saw my doctor come in after that I was so happy to see her. I jumped up and gave her a hug and she was there with open arms. Its a nice relationship I have with her so far. She said to sit down she had something to ask me. She told me that she didn't think I needed chemo right now for these reasons:
She said that they removed the lump and what remains is in my bones and it should be the slowest growing kind. It should be slow growing enough that I shouldn't need chemo. Basically that no other places in my body are affected so we should go with it until I feel worse or until I tell her I feel it somewhere else. Trust me, I feel it, where it is... Every place it is inside my bones I can feel it. But it isn't in my lungs or liver. That is a great thing to be able to say. I need to be able to say I am very happy about that.
I will continue to get scans every 3-6 months and until I feel bad or tell her that I feel it somewhere else she wont need to scan me until the scheduled times.
She even said if it was her she would decided not to have chemo. It is up to me if I wanted it now then I could have it. I don't though. Who would?
So for now it that is where I stand. I couldn't be happier. My mom and sister couldn't be happier as we were all fixing to shave our heads to donate our hair. Now we are all going to get it cut and styled... and couldn't be more excited about it.
I will take what I can get and not complain about it. I will take the happy times and enjoy every minute of it. I just got the paperwork for my scan and I go June 2 to get scans that basically will show if I have any spots on my liver or lungs. I keep the prayers going and I keep strong in mind, body, and soul. I know that I was just given great news and trust me, when dealing with this there is no good news....ever. Like I said, we ask no questions, and we enjoy the little things. Its so much more special to slow down and smell the flowers. In my case I was forced to.
Love and Prayers,
Renee B.

I am coming up on yet another doctor that is going to take over my care. The one I truly like is the highest on the totem pole but at times I do speak with other doctors. I am studied more than you can imagine. I am such a rare case that they read everything there is on me. Study me. I used to feel like a science experiment. You begin to feel somewhat like that and its makes you paranoid whether you are getting the care you need or are they just interested in getting the numbers. I have felt like that before. I changed. Needless to say I asked if she knows anyone that specializes in Advanced care. We will see. I have had good and bad when it comes to my health care. I can say that my surgeons have been excellent. If I would have had to pick, I would have picked to have the more experienced surgeon. The one who did my hysterectomy was the most experienced in the area at the laprascopic(sp?) type of surgery. I have had to deal with so many different sides of this. It had been enough to drive any individual crazy. I will write more, like the methadone that I was put on for pain, and the constant withdrawl that I experienced, or the meds that switch and make me sick on almost every meal, or the bones in my body that contain disease and are being eaten away. This is what the chemo is coming in for. I will be assigned a chemo doctor on top of the new oncologist and so its going to be a bunch of new faces. I have faith that I am being sent the people I need to take care of me. For the longest I was only sent people who had the same name of people in my immediate family. I know that wasn't a coincidence. I have faith. Its one thing I keep close, and my ability to heal quickly from things.. I sleep. I sleep. Fingers crossed.. moving steadily forward.
RB

Connections

I have recently been made aware of more and more people that I can connect with for a support system. I am aware that talking with others who are in your situation is a good thing. Sometimes it is very difficult to find others. I have had a very hard time finding other stage 4 women out there. Even Stage 3.
When I felt I had those few people who really cared for me as a support system it has made a difference. Its better to have people who genuinely care rather than the ones who don't really care and don't worry past their own lives. Its a kind of person we all know and are civil too. Just because someone is a certain way to you doesn't mean you should be that way back. What good does that do? Does it make you any better? Having toxic relationships keeps us from possibly connecting closer with another person or can effect us in ways we may not even realize. We must choose to be better. We must recognize the moments when that other person chooses to act ugly. I say ugly because that pretty much covers all the bad stuff. Envy, greed, anger, and so on. Ugliness. Choose not to be ugly. If you see yourself going down that path then recognize it. It means that some part of you is waking up in there and wants better for yourself. Follow your heart. That is your heart talking to you. It knows the answer to where your happiness comes from. Listen sometimes even if it is new.
Not doing so can hinder years of growth and loss of family, friends, and countless memories that you could have. also You cant force anyone. At least your are trying to mend. Neglecting ourselves is only ignoring your inner self and prolongs the pain. Just try listening.
We also need to understand that others may not be on the same level as we are. Others may not be on the same wavelength, level, mentally or spiritually that you are and they just cant understand where you are coming from. It is not within their brain power to understand. They haven't learned enough yet. That is where patience comes in. Maybe just maybe that person will come around sometime and it would have been worth your patience. And if not we smile and not try to kill ourselves over why someone else acts a certain way. Its not worth the time you waste. Once you yourself come around on your own lessons and realizes what time you have wasted on certain things then it will help you know how much you have learned and recognize the times when you choose to be better, and nicer, and more understanding.

Chill today,
Renee

Learning Process

There is no doubt that I am learning a lot. From medical, to spiritual, to holistic, to internal, to family dynamics, to everything else under the sun and then more things you never even thought of. I take it all in stride. I am about to hear about my chemo. I say that I am ready with all the force I can. In the back of my mind I am scared though. I know I am strong, but I also know that somewhere in there I am scared the wimp in me will show up and not be able to handle what is going on. I get overwhelmed when I think of that situation too much. I end up taking it day by day. I got the bill for my radiation. Its over 50K. And with a healthy bill of 2-3K a month for medicine, we are having a fine time keeping everything going and staying with our heads above water. I haven't even done chemo yet remember...lol.. Its nothing to me. I know the value of me being on this earth with my kids and whatever it takes is what is going to be done. I am not scared when I put it in those terms or think of it on that level. I have no plans to leave my kids and my husband behind when they need me. There is no question where I am supposed to be. I love life right now and I plan to enjoy these beautiful days that we have been so kindly given. Love. Live. Learn!

Destiny

I have wondered if destiny plays a role in my life. I know that I have been through a lot and learned a lot of lessons, I haven't exactly been able to share my story with the masses or help women out there listen and go to the doctor. It makes me very fond of the celebrity out there and when they choose to speak up and say something to the women out there. Most recent example Shannon Tweed and Gene Simmons. She felt and lump and went immediately. I applaud her so much. Gene ended up on George Lopez show, or at least that where I saw him, and he said to all the women out there to go get checked and how important early detection is. It saves lives. It brought a tear to my eye. I hate to see any women going through that, but she was able to use it to speak up and hopefully save women out there because of her story. Its almost like destiny. Things that happen for a reason, or what leads you to become great in your own life. Greater than you ever thought in your own mind. That also shows that what the Lord has in store for us is much more than we ever could dream up for ourselves. Good or bad. I guess it works both ways. I am a huge believer in thoughts are things, and good thoughts bring other good thoughts and bad thoughts repeated can manifest. I don't like being around negative people. And I know I am guilty of it at times, too, much less lately you better believe. I practice positive. I love being positive. I know positive multiplies into happiness possibly for thousands which could start with a smile, who knows. My point is be nice, be positive, smile, and maybe we can be positive enough to help our kind have a great destiny together.

Radiation Complete

I have completed my radiation as of the beginning of this month. The burn that I had to endure up until he last treatment is just now healing and starting to fade away. That was one of the hardest things to do was knowing I was burned, dealing with it, and still going to get more burned every single day. It turns into alot of scabbing and redness that makes it very difficult to wear clothes and even take a shower. A good thing was I met some very neat women while I was there. Everyone from the radiation technicians, my doctor, my nurse, and the other women in there with me. Lots of them have doctor horror stories just like I do.
I spent the first part of my treatments not talking to anyone really. It was one of the other women that was working on herself that day who decided that she would say hi to everyone in the office. And it was that hello that sparked a conversation between the females who were in the room with me. We all had horror stories when it came to these doctors out here practicing medicine. Its scary. I do think there are doctors out there that are very knowing and can help. I also think there are doctors out there who have no business out there. The sad thing is we have to be there guinea pigs.
I did have a major family event happening right at the end of when my treatments were supposed to be done. My niece was turning 15 and having her quincenera. It was going to be in Nashville. It was going to be 3 days after my last treatment.
So here I am not 2 days out of my treatments, burned, tired, and pepping myself up to drive 800 miles to see my babygirl turn 15. My son was going to be standing up with her and escorting her down the aisle in the church and into the quince itself. All in all I toughed it out. My husband and his mom ended up doing all the driving. We watched movies and layed in our pillows otherwise. On the way up there I fell asleep in Texas and woke up in Tennessee...lol.. So I skipped Arkansas altogether.
I enjoyed it so much. We ended up renting an Excursion so it was a very roomy ride. Chris's mother went with us. It was very enjoyable.
We had to best time. We enjoyed seeing the kids Godparents, who are also Chris's twin sister and her husband. We went down to downtown Nashville and had a blast down there. We only had 3 days to do all of this and also try to visit also. The only thing we didn't have time to do was get in Jason's hot tub. We will next time. We hope to go for at least a week next time. Seeing my nieces and nephew was the best. My treatments ended up being over 3 days before we had to leave. One thing is I refused to schedule any of my chemo treatments until I came back. So now that is what I am waiting to do.
In all the pictures they are of us having a blast, dancing, doing the YMCA, the Hustle, the new shuffle dances they have out, and so much more. And all that time you would never know that I am so burned that I almost had to have Chris take me back right in the middle. I pushed through though.
The next part of my life is the part where I am officially going to do chemo now. Its the most hardcore chemo that there is. I am keeping my head up and knowing that I am finally going to kill this foreign crap that is in my body. Before it changed, I was going to have to take a pill and just maintain it my whole life. I know it wasn't my choice but I didn't want to maintain this crap my whole life, I want it gone, out, no mas, no more, no more.
I cant tell you the amounts of learning that I have done. I am so much smarter now. Spiritually I grow every day. I know where to draw my strength from. When I started all this, I drew my strength from the people around me. I put all my energy into a bunch of people who ended up being disrespectful and basically didn't show they cared about me at all. Basically I feel that all those people abandoned me when the going got tough. So I had to learn a whole new way of coping, of dealing with stuff that I used to get guidance for all alone. I never thought I could get stronger. I never thought I would be able to be weak at any point in my life. I have been in weak places when my loved ones tell me that I am stronger than them. It makes me think. It brings me back. My oncologist tells me that I am stronger than she is. That's major.
So its me, doing what I have to do. Being where I have to be. Hoping where hope needs to be. I have never had all this emotion packed into so little time. Its been a great deal to have on my plate. In such a short time. I also say that there are still people out there that deal with much more than I am dealing with right now as well. I try to keep an even mindset when it comes to thinking about what I have been through and who has been there and how I am going to come out of this even stronger than I ever thought.
My hopes for the future are easy. No more pain. The pain I have endured I would have never thought in a million years. I certainly take nothing for granted. If I can get out there on a beautiful day and enjoy it, you better believe that I will be the one getting the most out of it.
All my best,
RB

Deep Thoughts

I often wonder if any of the feelings I had before I was diagnosed had any effect on me enough to spark some of the self destruction I experienced. I had a great life. I have a great life now. It was the transistion inbetween and accepting and realizations. I was doing what my plan dictated. My goals were being reached. I had it all. All is a big word. Having it all means a different thing to all of us. Having it all for me used to be really simple. Having my family, my home, and the tools we need for everyday was enough for me at the moment. Like I said, I was in control. I had the car I wanted, the job I wanted, the money I wanted, the friends and family I wanted, the respect I wanted, and I lost it all in a matter of days.
During all that, I was carrying around so much. I tried to please everyone around me. I had best friends, who I thought were best friends, who I tried to please by just doing everything they wanted and agreeing all the time to what they wanted. I was a pleaser. I think a little to much. I just wanted to be liked and cared about. I try to be helpful to a fault. I think that was part of my downfall with these relationships. I tried to make them proud of me and they thought I was showing off. Those typed of responses aren't friends. And if any of that sounds familiar, family or not, the relationship is about to fall through. Sorry to say, unless you are able to talk about it, both of you, then it wont get any better. Dont be surprised when you think you are soooo close with someone or a couple and when you want to talk it out they dont even want to talk or end up being ugly to you like they never even cared to begin with. That can be more hurtful to but again, all part of the game from posers who act like friends. All they are here to do really is hurt, and be dark. No more dark for me, I only tie myself into the light, I am the light, I breathe it in, and let it absorb all around me. The brightest whitest light you can imagine. Thats what kills the hate. Light. Love. Life.
I now know that by thinking I was so in control, I wasnt in control of anything at all. It was stripped in seconds, so what was I really in control of. I know that if I kept up with how I was going then it was either the career or plan my funeral. I had to slow down and take care of myself, something of which I have never done. Not that I neglected myself, I just never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
I am very knowing of my own mind inside myself and I know that I am aware that I don't have to care about any of this, about anyone, about what ever else goes on with anyone else but myself. I am just not that way. I know I have it within me to care about other people even when I am going through a lot right now. Its not hard to know that I have heart. I care. I am more careful now about who I shower the love and care on. Some people don't like that or want it. They don't feel a family connection with anyone. They are the old hags of the family. Its all good, its takes all kinds you know. Its just another thing I have learned. And hey remember that most of the time family doesn't even act like family. Friends and strangers acts more decent to you sometimes than your brother or sister even. So don't let your troubled relationships get you down. You can only try so hard and compromise so much. Its a hard lesson to learn and can take a lot of tears. It takes even turning away from a brother or sister at times to get the respect you know you give and deserve. No one said it was easy. Take it from me, its not easy at all. Its hard as hell. The other end of the rainbow is worth all the hard work it takes to have real relationships now days. Not fake. Not posers. Not haters. Real people. Genuine people. That is what I am after, that is what I look for now. Loyalty and quality. Great words of the day.

RB

SO HARD

They can say whatever
I'ma do whatever
No pain is forever
Yup, you know this

Tougher than a lion
Ain't no need in tryin'
I live where the sky ends
Yup, you know this

Never lyin', truth teller
That Rihanna reign, just won't let up
All black on, blacked out shades
Blacked out Maybach

I'ma rock this shit like fashion, as in
goin' til they say stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bitch in heels right here

No fear, and while you getting your cry on
I'm getting my fly on
Sincere, I see you aiming at my pedastal
I betta let ya' know

That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

All up on it
Know you wanna clone it
Aint like me
That chick to boney
Ride this beat, beat, beat like a pony
Meet me at the top (top, top)
Gettin' lonely

Who think they test me now
Run through your town
I shut it down
Brilliant, resilient
Fan mail from 27 million

And I want it all
It's gonna take more than that
Hope that ain't all you got

I need it all
The money, the fame, the cars, the clothes

I can't just let you run up on me like that (all on me like that)
Yeah
I see you aiming at my pedastal
So I think I gotta let ya' know

That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Go hard or go home
Back to your residence
Soon the red dogs will give the block back to the presidents
I used to run my own block like Obama did
You ain't gotta believe me, go ask my momma then

You couldn't even come in my room
it smelled like a kilo
Looked like me and two of my boys playing casino
Trying to sell they peeping my bag they can't afford it
Tell 'em to give me back my swag
They tryin' to clone me

See my Louis tux, Louis flag, Louis frames, Louis belt
What that make me
Louis mane?

I'm in an all white party wearin' all black
With my new black watch call it the heart attack
Cardiac arrest, cardiac a wrist
Yeah, they say they're hard
They ain't hard as this

Hard!

The one word describes me
If I wasn't doin' this
You know where I be, too hard


Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where they at, where they at, where they at?

Where dem bloggers at
Where dem bloggers at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?

Where your lighters at
Where your lighters at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Over Halfway Done

My treatments are going well!!!!!!! I am knocking it out like nothing else. We have it down to an art. That's the way we (my mom and I) feel by now.
I am now getting a little red around my treatment area. It gets dry and itchy and all I need is a good lotion to put on and it feels much better. Besides the everyday that we have to do, and the turning down of all the other stuff we could be doing, everything is going as it should with my treatments. I'm not going to act like its not for a good reason. We are doing what we have to do. I am doing the dam thing and like I said in my title, I am kicking ass.
I am amazingly happy too. I don't have time for boo hoo times and any bull. I truly enjoy every day. It's worth the time it takes to weed out all the posers and/or haters to keep the ones that lift you up, that take care of you, and that have love in their hearts. Simple as that.
Life is really not complicated. It all boils down to having spirit. I don't play manipulation. And great thing is, I can spot it a mile away. I sit back and watch people sometimes. When I predict a certain person and a certain action and they prove me right every time. If you wanted to be close with this person, and all they do is treat you badly then it does suck. Sadly when these posers and/or haters think they got away with something, all they did was out themselves as a poser and/or hater. To sit back and watch as others don't get the lessons of life that you do can be sad. Mostly sad because they can be older, or they can make more money, or they can have a bigger home than you, drive a better car...and the list can go on and on. That goes to show you it does not matter who you are, we are all here to learn the lessons of life. If you let those lessons pass you by then you are on the devils playground. You are not in the Lord's temple. If you were then these thoughts wouldn't even come to your mind. Love is all that dwells in the Lord's eyes and heart. All you can do is leave them behind as you grow as a person and a friend and family member. It doesn't mean that you don't see them anymore or cut them off from your life, it means that now you know who your associates are and who your friends and family are. And trust me, sometimes you are in the dark about who is who. When all the dust settles, you will see who remains.
The better you take care of your own heart and mind, the better you can be there for yourself or your loved ones. You try to give good advice and not advice that is from an ugly place. Some people cant separate themselves from the situation and see others points of view. That is one thing I have really worked on. I am proud of how far I have come, even if it has been a tough day every once in a while. I also believe the more you have been through the more the good times mean to you. The more I try as a person to be there for everyone around me, the better I feel. It hadn't been as much as I would have liked over the past three years, but hey, check the history, I have been kinda busy.
I look forward to making up for times lost, and I definitely look forward to the good times not yet upon us. Its a great life. Breathe deep while you enjoy every moment!
Some of my family don't believe in posting your business online. That is not what I am trying to do here. I am trying to save lives. I have had many women find lumps because I asked them to be diligent with self exams. I have had many women look at my story and go get checked out. That makes me feel so good. I know that I have suffered alot over the years, but I also know its not as much as others have to go through. There is a 6 year old boy with a brain tumor getting treatments the same time I do. Do you know how hard that is to watch? If I see the child you better believe he will not see the tears for him, he will see the joy I have for his fight, for his resolve. I go back to the nerdy saying of... If I could help one person its worth it. It is worth it all. And then some.
Love. Live. Laugh.
R.B.

Thought for the day

I decided to be a force this year. A force to be reckoned with. I am going to have my energy up so much. Thats how I do it. I mostly use energy off the people around me. I know people around me are positive and they are having good energy. I know that I can feed off of that to make my mood great and positive and that I can do what I need to do because my people are there to support me. It makes all the difference. It really does.

RB <3

Kicking this Radiations Behind

I have gone to several radiation treatments now. This is the third week going on the fourth. I am doing amazingly well. I do not burn. I do not blister. I do not even hardly get red. I do get very tired. I will sleep it off but I do not like to sleep for too long. I know my body is healing. I have to keep some happy medium of taking care of my family, doing what I can to contribute, or just resting. I know what my family will say. I know what my brain says too and it says get up. I try to accommodate everyone and rest but also do what I can here and there...Usually when no one is here so they cant see how much I really do. I know my son is a great wonder of my life. We have done so well with him. He has done so well with himself that he is a great asset to have for any task or chore that needed to be done. He can buckle down and get it done. I know my girl has the brains too. She has street smarts and brains, they both do. In my opinion that is what you need to live in this world. Take that and start getting experience and you are on your way.
I know that this is the longest number of treatments so far and I have found that it has been the easiest. Maybe because my mom comes along with the baby and Lisa and my girl gets to sit in a chair and do her homework. I know that by the time I come out of there hopefully her homework would be done. When we come home we get to all share our evenings together and decided what to have for dinner and what movie to watch. That has been my life over the part month and the next month until my treatments are done. I am hanging in there, pepping myself up to go, walk in smiling, once I am moving then it all moves into place. I know that having my family is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am glad they are there to pep me up when I need it most.

Today is OK

Today has been an ok day for me. I got to spend some time this morning with Christopher. He still comes to lay in my bed when he wakes up and I just love it. I am a big fan of the things you do out of love and not even know it. Just being there together.
I had musical therapy today. I just have music that I love, that makes me feel good, and that I love to sing or dance to. I love music. I cant tell you how many times it has made me feel better. Some songs remind me who I am... that must be why I like them. And when I need gangter rap I listen to Tupac and Ice Cube... lol... really.. I do. Owell its all good. I love it all.
I dont have any other goals right now other than being happy. I want to feel happiness every day. I have been doing so much crying because of all of this. Not really just whaling but silently, alone, I have moments of weakness... of how or why. I am reminded of my faith at those times. If there is one thing my grandmother Caster has taught me is to have faith. She is my mentor, my role model. She has been through quite alot in her time too, and she has always made it through... I am reminded of that when I feel like giving up.
I am reminded every day who I am. I am forced to know every little thing that happens to me so I can report it to the doctors. I dont know if this is what they call living normally but it isnt to me. Its not easy to put your life on hold while everyone else's goes on around you. I just try to stay positive and like I said.. one day at a time. If it takes something easy like hearing from on old friend or a song to bring me out of my funk then that is where I am at now. I am trying to build up my strength, I think I am going to need it...

What Now?

I know I have not posted in a while... I have had a lot on my mind. I dont want to write when I dont even know what to say. I have had many many times where I receive more bad news and I just pile it on top of everything else. I dont know how I am going to deal with it quite yet. Or I should say, this is how I will deal with it for now... day to day.
I got through my mastectomy surgery with flying colors. I got major kudos from all the surgeons there. I actually went home the next day. I got out of surgery and recovery from a modified radical mastectomy and the removal of my left auxilla (armpit) surgery and into a room by 8:30pm and by 2:00pm the next day I am home. I did that good. Now the bombshell...
The cancer I have has mutated yet again and it is not the same kind as the pathology showed the first time. When I had a biopsy at the beginning of all this, the cancer I had was hormone receptive. That basically means it feeds on estrogen. So I basically turned every bit of estrogen out of my body and at 31 years old, I was considered post menapausal. I had a complete hysterectomy because I was told that my body was actually feeding the cancer and I had to turn it off. On top of the surgery I also took a pill, that was considered as my chemo, and that is what I did to fight the cancer.
Here it is 3 years later, and the pathology that was done while I was in my mastectomy surgery now shows that the cancer is no longer hormone receptive. They dont know when or why but that cancer had actually changed. Again I am told that this is rare, and that I am a rare case. For once, I want the rarity to be on my side.
What now?
What now is all I have thought about since I found out this news. It makes me feel on some level that I have been doing nothing and letting this cancer eat me alive. There is no way I would have or could have known one way or another but now that I have the info I cant help but feel like I could be doing more. I have been told over and over all the sudden how rare my case is and how they are having to customize everything they do for me because their normal patient is a 60 year old woman. It makes me know even more that I am one of a kind, I am a living miracle. And I have been through the battle of my life. Well guess what, its just starting...
I am about to start 7 weeks of radiation. A total of 33 treatments of radiation. It will be appoximately double the dosage I recieved for my 2 radiation cycles. I then will start chemotherapy. The hard core kind. I dont know what or how many chemo treatments I will need yet. Thats the only doctor I havent seen as of yet. I saw 2 doctors today. The radiation doctor and the doctor that checked out my insicion from the surgery and from where the tubes were. I had a good visit when it came to that. Everything looked fine. I have to keep in mind that I will be reconstructed... its just going to be after the radiation. I have such heaviness when it comes to thinking about this. All the doctor told me to do what to make sure I eat and sleep. Those are my main goals right now. Especially with what I am about to go through. I know that I am going to make sure that at least I get rest and eat. Or drink in my case. My nutritionist has given me Ensure to help me when I dont eat. So I think all my bases are covered for right now.
I thought that this last surgery was the hardest thing I had to do. I now know that I have not even begun yet. The thing I have on my side is my abilily to bounce back and my strength will silently take me through this without me even having to do anything. So thats all I have for now. I guess you can see why I havent been able to formulate the words to write here today...

SMILE

I cant tell you how nice it is to have friends that make you smile. I have had a ton of people come across my plate and in and out of my life. I love finding my friends from back in the day and having them remember me for me, how fun I am, how much of a good friend that I am to anyone that is a good friend to me. I have found several of my friends on facebook. I have to say that I love signing on to there and hooking up and talking to my friends. There is a lot of family that I have. My main crew is around me or talks to me all the time. Its the family that is busy but still checks in with you when they have a chance. Its the friends that are almost like best friends, that you don't get to talk to that much. Its those people that are so cool to find again. You never know what just saying hi will do for someone. I try to keep a smile on my face everyday. I had a great smile today from a great friend. Just be a friend to someone, and make them smile today. It will start a chain reaction. Who knows... try it. Be happy and make someone smile. You never know the effect that it may have....

Smile, smile, smile.
Renee B!

My Surgery

I am going to update my blog over the next couple of days. I have been healing from this surgery of mine. I have plenty to catch you guys up on...and I am going to do it by the end of the weekend. Much love to everyone who checks in with me. Make sure you take care of your own self and get mammograms no matter what the news tells you this time...I know it can be confusing. So much information thrown at us all the time. Just pay attention to your body and what it is telling you. That's a great place to start at anyways.
Well more very soon, Love to all, Renee

Doctor Visit-OCT 09

I had several doctor visits leading up to the surgery I just had. I had a modified radical mastectomy on my left breast on Nov 12th. It was the most most major thing I have done so far. And I have had some 3 major surgeries in the last year. I will have to have 6-8 weeks of radiation on my chest before I get reconstuction. The reconstruction can take up to a year from what I am told. I have all the best support and love around me that I have lifted my spirits and my outlook a thousand fold. Let me tell you about it...
I had a pain management appt., a pre-op appointment., a visit with the breast surgeons, and visits with my regular oncologists. They all ask you the same questions. They all can not believe that there is nothing else wrong with me, and that I have no history in my family. They can not believe that I have cancer at all much less Stage 4. The doctors couldnt believe how great I was doing, how great I looked, and how happy I was when I went in to see them. I couldnt have been better.
I know that there is major things going on in my life. I realized that I can pull myself through this. I have the best team, my husband, and my mother, and my sister Lisa. And I have to talk about my little niece.... She is my sunshine, and I use her lifeforce to fuel my healing. May sound funny but this baby is so full of life that she has plenty to give me. The energy of youth. Nothing could feel better..lol..
So I got the best compliments from every doctor that I saw. How great I looked. How good I was doing. How I was an inspiration and that I should write a book. I swear to you that the doctor told me this. She also said that I was stronger than she was and she sees my strength and my willingness to overcome this. It freaks me out a little to hear this from women that I look up to myself. I love hearing it..dont get me wrong. It is good to be validated from women that I respect and think the world of. And they think the world of me. Its a relationship that I wouldnt trade for the world.
I felt great going into this surgery. I was scared dont get me wrong. I was petrified. But I was ready to do this. I wanted this out of me. I wanted the head cut off so the rest can shrink away to nothing and that is exactly what I expect it to do. I dont have time for this anymore. I have so much to do.. so much going on around me that I will not give up. I want to be apart of it all. And I will be.
I love the family that has stuck around, the family that has gotten 100 times closer with me because we have experienced these hard times together. Its funny because I know for a fact that money doesnt make you happy or material items, or a big house. I have been side by side with billionaires. And its funny to see that they were unhappy with their personal lives. They had to hold up this front all the while they slept in separate rooms and did not have people that really cared around them. I have been shown alot in this life. Many life lessons that I have been very aware of. I am thankful for having all those experiences. I was shown the wealthy life. Not rich. Wealthy. I was shown that for a reason. I could step into that life tomorrow and know exactly what to do, who to call, where to be, and why we would be very charitable and remember where we came from. I have had millions of dollars pass me by.. and I know its meant to come back to me. It is coming back to me....Lol.. Anyway..
I am a very lucky person. I am dealing with a lot, but I have the right people caring for me that I draw from their strength and love. Its feels so great. I cant leave out Jesus Christ. He is my everything. I give it all up to him, and I am loyal always. My heart fills with joy when I think of Jesus, and my family. I am wealthy woman! I am appreciative and thankful always. I know what I am going to say on this Thanksgiving...LOL... Thats for sure!
<3,
Renee

Halloween

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. Be Safe out there!!

Interesting Renewals

I have just been drained over the last month. I guess we don't always know how we are going to feel at any time during the day or week. I try Lord knows to have a positive attitude, to work towards my goals, and try to make it day by day like everyone else.
I have meaning for many days to get together with my grandma. She had some items for me from Ohio when she went to visit her sister. She wanted to bring them to me. I have been wanting to see her for months and either I was doing radiation or she was out of town or something always got in the way. I finally got to have dinner with her tonight. My mom cooked something for us that my grandma cooked and my great-grandma (her mother) used to cook for dinner. She made chicken and dumplings and rice crispy chicken. It is so delicious. We were able to catch up and visit for the whole evening. I very much have tears of joy every time I see that woman. I have a fondness for her that is undeniable. I love her for every thing she knows, says, does, thinks, and is. She is amazing.
I never know the rejuvenation that you can get by seeing someone you love dearly like that. I felt so great leaving from my moms apartment. We walked out together and left. Its the most comforting feeling there is to have a loved one care for you and feel the feelings of being loved by someone. Its very neat. Its a feeling of my heart being full. Filling up I should say. I know when I feel depreciated and down, my heart does not feel full. I need the boost of a loved one to get my energy from and bring me back to bonding and connecting and caring so I can focus all those feeling into my healing. I know its needed and I feel great doing all those things.
I also know that her and my aunt Janet completely read my mind. This is why I know great minds thing alike. I have been talking about needing pajamas or light shirts after the surgery. What did my grandma have in her hand from Janet and her. Pajamas and booties and a very nice card from my grandmas sister Aunt M.Margaret. I love all my people with all the thoughtfulness they had for me and I appreciate the care.
Well I had to share the night of love and sharing and bonding between family. It was great.
One love,
ReneeB.

Tuesday Is here

As I enjoy my weekend of drinking shots and having fun with friends, the thoughts of what about to occur lingers in the back of my mind. Chris and I don't really even drink any more so you know when there is 4 different kinds of shots on hand that we had some steam to blow off before the surgery.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I have wanted this day for a long to time. I have asked for it since 3 doctors ago. The response has always been that it's not necessary because it had already spread. They use mastectomy surgery as a preventive measure. So the cancer will not spread. Mine had already spread. So I have always gotten the answer that I didn't need to have the surgery. Now the doctor tells me she thinks that the cancer is going to break through the skin on my left breast. She says that I don't want that to happen, she doesn't want that happen, and I definitely don't want to be traumatized if something like that was to occur. This is the reason that the surgery is happening now and why it hasn't happened before now. Her examinations of me have lead her to believe that this is something to worry about so I am going to listen to her and have the surgery. I told them as I always do with every surgery to schedule it the first day possible.
I call yesterday morning because I didn't know if I had a pre-op appointment, and they tell me the surgery has been moved to November 9th. So I was just like WHAT, why wouldn't anyone call me and tell me that. I know they are busy but come on. I am glad I called.
I had a cry yesterday because its anticlimactic. I build my nerves up to be nerves of steel, then nothing happens. It so much pressure sometimes. I know I can handle it in the end, I know what I need to do deep down. Its a ride that I never thought I would ever be on that is for sure. I know deep down in my heart that I will have just as much reward as I have had heartache. I know that deep in my heart. It will be nothing but smiles very soon. And I know it is earned and definitely deserved. I cant wait to be at the finish line with all my family and friend crying tears of joy for a change. Tears of JOY!
Cheers,
Renee