SO HOT

Has it not just been so hot these days. I have had heat sickness a couple of times now. I have been keeping busy lately.

As for me, I have been doing ok. I have been so tired. I have been keeping myself strong. I do not let myself wonder off to the bad place in my head where so many hard times exist. I know its hard out there for everyone.
I keep myself going by saying the Lord is wonderful. I give my whole life to Jesus and he is teaching me to live in God's favor. When you are happy for each day, each minute and you have God on your side then its so much easier to go through life. I see loved ones around me that have such a hard time. Its one thing or another and it never ends. Myself included. I always had faith, I always believed in God but I never actually took the time to realize that he is right there waiting for me to embrace him into my life. Full time. I am blessed to enjoy 2 pastors. Father at my church and also a gentlemen by the name of Joel Osteen. Before I was blessed in finding St. Elizabeth, Joel was the only thing I had to hold on to. He is a great pastor. His sermons are just heavenly and tell me one person that doesnt feel uplifted when they listen to him. He has such a pleasant voice.

Anyway, he talks about living in God's favor. How to expect the best and never the worst. If you expect the worst then that is what will happen. Even when you are in a terrible time and all hope is lost you listen to the power of God and its everywhere. Its hard to deny. Everything is so much greater than us. It is so easy to forget that. I taught vacation bible school last week and it was so fun. Each class would come in from pre-k to 5th grade and just be alive with Jesus. It was funny because the theme was the power of Jesus. They ended it with a cookout and the kids performed all the songs they learned. It was really nice. Christopher came too. He loved volunteering. I do to. They are both getting a great start in life knowing Jesus and knowing God is with them. Let it go to him.
I am trying harder than ever now to live in the positive side of life. I have been hurt so bad by family I thought loved me, I have been labeled by people that dont even know me. I have news for everyone, which isnt really news to anyone who really knows me, I am going to do what I want, when I want to do it, not when you say, not when you think its ok. No one runs my life or anyone in my house. I dont even run it, The Lord does. And I defy you to do anything to stop it. I will leave you in the dust where your stupid ass belong for thinking you can mess with the divine power of Jesus. I will forever kneel at the amazing grace of our saviour. It brings me to tears when the part of the church comes when we all say, Lord we take this on your name, but only say the word and I shall be healed. That makes me tear up every time. Its too much to take sometimes. I will be healed, and I will go on to do great things with my life, and bring as much awareness to this devastating disease as possible. I dont know how else to do it...

Back in the Public

Hi guys,
I am so glad to have readers again. I have really just been posting different thoughts, songs when no one was on. So I figured since you are here for an update, I would give you the latest.
I have been feeling really good lately. I get tired sometimes but I think that is to be expected. Chris says my body is fighting. In that case, I will sleep till Im healed..lol. I had a hysterectomy in March. 1 year folks. Its been a year and I feel better now than I did at the beginning that for sure. Last year was hell on earth. I show a brave face for family. Hardly anyone has seen or will see me when I am down. I will put on a happy face for any of my people. I enjoy seeing my friends and family and I think in a way it rejuvenates me. I go for my infusion tomorrow. Good thing is since I had the hysterectomy, I dont have to get the shot in the stomach anymore. They took everything. Whatever is producing estrogen, I wanted out of me. This is what is feeding it and I wont help it thats for sure. I also have had hope with the lump in my breast. It is getting smaller and smaller to myself and my doc. It is definitely smaller than when this all began. It felt rock hard and like a little ball inside. Not so much anymore. I am glad that it isnt getting bigger. The doc measures it with her little tool and she says it. I dont say anything, to lead her on or to give her an idea. The last time she said it all on her own. This is my new doc. Mainly because of distance. Also I have a female now, and she specializes in Breast Oncology. It is exactly where Im supposed to be. I really like her. I also am taking part in an exercise program. She believes that it has a big part to do with recovery and remission. I told her whatever helps the cause I am willing. Someone needs to start charting this miracle! Anyways, I do still go for infusions. It is considered chemo. I still say infusion. It is the bone treatment. I am being studied due to my back, and also the exercise study. I sometimes feel like a science project. I did have other news about a new spot, but I dont believe it to be true. Ii believe it to be a false reading from the scan. I wont believe anything until they do another scan exactly like the one I had last time and then compare the 2. I considered going back to work. I went, got the job, went for all the screenings that they do and then didnt go. When it came down to it, I do try to go to fast and I dont know if I am rushing myself. It would be stupid if I went back, then they laid me off or I had to quit cause I couldnt do it anyways. I waited too long for my disability to kick in for me to just go screw it up. I do have other plans though. And I couldnt be more excited about it. Maybe I will post it on my next posting. I prefer to do then talk. You will find out about it after I get finished. Thats always how it goes. I still have a regular regiment of pills I take. I do believe they are close to perfect to the right combination of medicine. I take one that if I miss a dose or run out, I severely withdrawl. Its the worst feeling in the world. I ran out of medicine not too long ago, and had the worst 3 days I have had in a long time. I had cold sweat, the shivers when I am hot, and I just cried and cried. I couldnt make it. I finally called the nurse and she told me that it was because I was out of meds. I had an appt with her the next day so I told myself I would get it then. I would have been up there sooner if I would have known I would feel like that. Even now, if I take my meds before bed, and then sleep past the time I am supposed to take them, I will start cold sweating and just break down. It really sucks. Chris has been right here to make sure I have my meds thank God. He takes such good care of me. A few months ago, I hit rock bottom because of the pills. Moreso the combination of all the pills. I went off the deep end, and wasnt myself. I thank Chris that he is my punching bag when I need it. I have had some major disappointments as well. Mostly with family, mostly with posers who act like family.
Anyways, Im not wasting my digits on that. Christopher chose to do summer semester as the college. They also ended up having classes for the littler kids up there, so I signed Kristen up for Martial arts at the college too. I told her she goes to college too. She loves it. Well I have to say hi to my cousins who graduated this year. I know we dont talk much cause we are so busy, but I am more than proud of you guys!! More soon...

Walk Away Renee

Walk Away Renee
And when I see the sign that
points one way
The lot we used to pass by
every day
(Chorus):
Just walk away Renee,
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
From deep inside the tears that
I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain I
I chose to hide
(Chorus)
Now as the rain beats down
upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
(Solo)(Chorus)
Your name and mine inside a heart upon a wall
Still finds a way to haunt me,though they're so small
(Chorus)

Savin Me

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin'

[CHORUS]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin'

[CHORUS]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'

So Small

by:Carrie Underwood

What you got if you aint got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
Don't run out on your faith
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole
While you're sittin round thinking about what you can't change
And worryin' about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count, cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Thoughts

Hi, So I thought about logging on many times to delete what I have written. I dont care for anyone to know what I think. It serves some people never to hear from me because of their actions, then they get a post to read and its so exciting... yeah right. I have decided that this is my blog and I can do whatever I want and I will. You can jump off a bridge for all I care if you have a problem with it. I didnt think the Lord could make me more direct. I have been shown I have no time to waste and that certainly goes for people as well.
I have been wrestling with the fact of going to work. I dont think I am ready. I am tired than most people. I just think it takes me longer to re coop my energy than everyone else. Also my medicine makes me tired too. I just cant sit here happily knowing I could do more if I were 100%. I would be into the 6 figures by know if I could be let loose. My hubby wants me to stay home forever, take care of the house, watch the house and make sure someone is always here. Well that is taken care of for sure. I love it here and we are making it no matter what. I cant believe that its been over a year now. I had a tragedy in my family. I lost my beloved Michael, my puppy, my dog, my heart. I loved that dog more than anything. He stayed with me when Chris had to work and it was so hard to be here everyday alone. I cried every single day just because it was hard to get through, to even get up. And who was with me, Michael. He took care of me and I took care of him. He followed me around everywhere and scratched on any door that was closed between he and I. He was my best friend and he was closer to my heart than most. Right there with my kids. It was devastating to lose him. I cried and cried, even today I got upset. You see there was another litter and I kept the girl from the next litter and they were friends. She looks just like Michael but she is completely brown. Michael was all black. I know this sounds unbelievable but we even taught him to say mama. He did, I swear it. I love him even still and I visit his grave everyday and send him love. He was viciously attacked by a neighbors dog and was killed almost instantly. He waited for me to run over there before he took his last breath, and sighed and was gone. Noooooooo! I want him back. Michael please come back to me... I told Chris that he was with Loran now and he was taking care of her. That is the only thing that brings me comfort. I got picts with him thank God. I need him so bad. Chris said that he left because I didnt need him anymore, I was healed. I believe it too. I joined an exercise study. My doct believes that it does someone like me extra extra good. I have lost alot of weight, now I need to keep my muscles too. I finally went to Gildas House. It was pretty nice. They have facilities for me to use for free with this study. Even yoga I believe. I havent done it yet but soon.
Dear Lord,
Please watch over Michael and keep him busy with Tbones until I can get to him again. I know he is happy there. Thank you for providing for us no matter what. Jesus brings us comfort to no end, please fill our hearts with joy and continue to keep my son energized during his schooling, he is doing great, please keep my daughter busy this summer with lots of playing and learning. I also cant leave out Chris the man that has taken most excellent care of me. He saved my life literally. I couldnt have made it this past year without him. He makes sure I have my medicine no matter where he is or what he is doing, he stops and gets my pills, gives them to me to take and water, and I love him for it. Its so tedious but important I stay on a schedule do to the withdrawl properties that the medication holds. I have already been through that and it was some of the worst days of my life. Guide me to pick the correct major for both Chris and myself and help our school experience to be nice.
Yo,
R

Its a new day, a new life, a new start. I have the benefit of the Lord on my side. The people who are naysayers, and 2faced have weeded themselves out of my life and my God had everything to do with that. Now what do you say.... well the now what is what is so wonderful. I am not bogged down with thoughts of others, what they think what they say. It doesnt matter how close you are or how good of friends you think you are. They still talk behind your back. They say one thing and do another, and claim not to remember the conversation. Well that is about as grimey as you can get. All you can depend on is you. And I have always known that, ever since I had my son at a young age, and everyone had their opinion then. And guess what, everyone was wrong. So what makes you think you arent wrong now. Well you are. Chump. I am so done with stupid lives of people that cant even get along in their own home, and try to come talk about mine. Ha.
According to my beliefs and the guidance of my pastors and father, say God Bless You, to those who have problems with your nose being where it doesnt belong. Use me to get yourself ahead. I dont care. It wont be the first time that someones opinion of me didnt drive them because the only way to show me is to get ahead of me according to some thinking. Well sorry I have to disappoint, I am so far ahead of all of you that you are wiping my dust from your eyes. All you see is a cloud in that nosy little head of yours. Cough out the dust because more is coming. And I guess its obvious that I use your pathetic attempt at being my blood as a constant reminder that I would much rather have a total stranger over for dinner than you.
I will be posting to my dear friends at another time. The ones that truly care about me and the ones that dont use my sorrow for their pleasure. Get a li..... I mean God Bless You.

Last but never least,
Rna

For My Wife!

Please Lord give me the strength to continue being strong for my wife while she battles stage 4 breast cancer. We are 1 year into her battle and I have no family help from either side. Most of my family are dead and my wife's family wants to help when it's convenient for them. I know you wouldn't give my wife and I a challenge that we cannot handle but I am at a point of screaming and giving up which I refuse! I have faith in the Lord and all his glories. My kids are feeling my pain as well, so please give me the strength and courage to lift myself up among all the evil that is trying to rip my family and my Beautiful, Delicate Wife apart. In this I pray...