Today is OK

Today has been an ok day for me. I got to spend some time this morning with Christopher. He still comes to lay in my bed when he wakes up and I just love it. I am a big fan of the things you do out of love and not even know it. Just being there together.
I had musical therapy today. I just have music that I love, that makes me feel good, and that I love to sing or dance to. I love music. I cant tell you how many times it has made me feel better. Some songs remind me who I am... that must be why I like them. And when I need gangter rap I listen to Tupac and Ice Cube... lol... really.. I do. Owell its all good. I love it all.
I dont have any other goals right now other than being happy. I want to feel happiness every day. I have been doing so much crying because of all of this. Not really just whaling but silently, alone, I have moments of weakness... of how or why. I am reminded of my faith at those times. If there is one thing my grandmother Caster has taught me is to have faith. She is my mentor, my role model. She has been through quite alot in her time too, and she has always made it through... I am reminded of that when I feel like giving up.
I am reminded every day who I am. I am forced to know every little thing that happens to me so I can report it to the doctors. I dont know if this is what they call living normally but it isnt to me. Its not easy to put your life on hold while everyone else's goes on around you. I just try to stay positive and like I said.. one day at a time. If it takes something easy like hearing from on old friend or a song to bring me out of my funk then that is where I am at now. I am trying to build up my strength, I think I am going to need it...

What Now?

I know I have not posted in a while... I have had a lot on my mind. I dont want to write when I dont even know what to say. I have had many many times where I receive more bad news and I just pile it on top of everything else. I dont know how I am going to deal with it quite yet. Or I should say, this is how I will deal with it for now... day to day.
I got through my mastectomy surgery with flying colors. I got major kudos from all the surgeons there. I actually went home the next day. I got out of surgery and recovery from a modified radical mastectomy and the removal of my left auxilla (armpit) surgery and into a room by 8:30pm and by 2:00pm the next day I am home. I did that good. Now the bombshell...
The cancer I have has mutated yet again and it is not the same kind as the pathology showed the first time. When I had a biopsy at the beginning of all this, the cancer I had was hormone receptive. That basically means it feeds on estrogen. So I basically turned every bit of estrogen out of my body and at 31 years old, I was considered post menapausal. I had a complete hysterectomy because I was told that my body was actually feeding the cancer and I had to turn it off. On top of the surgery I also took a pill, that was considered as my chemo, and that is what I did to fight the cancer.
Here it is 3 years later, and the pathology that was done while I was in my mastectomy surgery now shows that the cancer is no longer hormone receptive. They dont know when or why but that cancer had actually changed. Again I am told that this is rare, and that I am a rare case. For once, I want the rarity to be on my side.
What now?
What now is all I have thought about since I found out this news. It makes me feel on some level that I have been doing nothing and letting this cancer eat me alive. There is no way I would have or could have known one way or another but now that I have the info I cant help but feel like I could be doing more. I have been told over and over all the sudden how rare my case is and how they are having to customize everything they do for me because their normal patient is a 60 year old woman. It makes me know even more that I am one of a kind, I am a living miracle. And I have been through the battle of my life. Well guess what, its just starting...
I am about to start 7 weeks of radiation. A total of 33 treatments of radiation. It will be appoximately double the dosage I recieved for my 2 radiation cycles. I then will start chemotherapy. The hard core kind. I dont know what or how many chemo treatments I will need yet. Thats the only doctor I havent seen as of yet. I saw 2 doctors today. The radiation doctor and the doctor that checked out my insicion from the surgery and from where the tubes were. I had a good visit when it came to that. Everything looked fine. I have to keep in mind that I will be reconstructed... its just going to be after the radiation. I have such heaviness when it comes to thinking about this. All the doctor told me to do what to make sure I eat and sleep. Those are my main goals right now. Especially with what I am about to go through. I know that I am going to make sure that at least I get rest and eat. Or drink in my case. My nutritionist has given me Ensure to help me when I dont eat. So I think all my bases are covered for right now.
I thought that this last surgery was the hardest thing I had to do. I now know that I have not even begun yet. The thing I have on my side is my abilily to bounce back and my strength will silently take me through this without me even having to do anything. So thats all I have for now. I guess you can see why I havent been able to formulate the words to write here today...

SMILE

I cant tell you how nice it is to have friends that make you smile. I have had a ton of people come across my plate and in and out of my life. I love finding my friends from back in the day and having them remember me for me, how fun I am, how much of a good friend that I am to anyone that is a good friend to me. I have found several of my friends on facebook. I have to say that I love signing on to there and hooking up and talking to my friends. There is a lot of family that I have. My main crew is around me or talks to me all the time. Its the family that is busy but still checks in with you when they have a chance. Its the friends that are almost like best friends, that you don't get to talk to that much. Its those people that are so cool to find again. You never know what just saying hi will do for someone. I try to keep a smile on my face everyday. I had a great smile today from a great friend. Just be a friend to someone, and make them smile today. It will start a chain reaction. Who knows... try it. Be happy and make someone smile. You never know the effect that it may have....

Smile, smile, smile.
Renee B!

My Surgery

I am going to update my blog over the next couple of days. I have been healing from this surgery of mine. I have plenty to catch you guys up on...and I am going to do it by the end of the weekend. Much love to everyone who checks in with me. Make sure you take care of your own self and get mammograms no matter what the news tells you this time...I know it can be confusing. So much information thrown at us all the time. Just pay attention to your body and what it is telling you. That's a great place to start at anyways.
Well more very soon, Love to all, Renee

Doctor Visit-OCT 09

I had several doctor visits leading up to the surgery I just had. I had a modified radical mastectomy on my left breast on Nov 12th. It was the most most major thing I have done so far. And I have had some 3 major surgeries in the last year. I will have to have 6-8 weeks of radiation on my chest before I get reconstuction. The reconstruction can take up to a year from what I am told. I have all the best support and love around me that I have lifted my spirits and my outlook a thousand fold. Let me tell you about it...
I had a pain management appt., a pre-op appointment., a visit with the breast surgeons, and visits with my regular oncologists. They all ask you the same questions. They all can not believe that there is nothing else wrong with me, and that I have no history in my family. They can not believe that I have cancer at all much less Stage 4. The doctors couldnt believe how great I was doing, how great I looked, and how happy I was when I went in to see them. I couldnt have been better.
I know that there is major things going on in my life. I realized that I can pull myself through this. I have the best team, my husband, and my mother, and my sister Lisa. And I have to talk about my little niece.... She is my sunshine, and I use her lifeforce to fuel my healing. May sound funny but this baby is so full of life that she has plenty to give me. The energy of youth. Nothing could feel better..lol..
So I got the best compliments from every doctor that I saw. How great I looked. How good I was doing. How I was an inspiration and that I should write a book. I swear to you that the doctor told me this. She also said that I was stronger than she was and she sees my strength and my willingness to overcome this. It freaks me out a little to hear this from women that I look up to myself. I love hearing it..dont get me wrong. It is good to be validated from women that I respect and think the world of. And they think the world of me. Its a relationship that I wouldnt trade for the world.
I felt great going into this surgery. I was scared dont get me wrong. I was petrified. But I was ready to do this. I wanted this out of me. I wanted the head cut off so the rest can shrink away to nothing and that is exactly what I expect it to do. I dont have time for this anymore. I have so much to do.. so much going on around me that I will not give up. I want to be apart of it all. And I will be.
I love the family that has stuck around, the family that has gotten 100 times closer with me because we have experienced these hard times together. Its funny because I know for a fact that money doesnt make you happy or material items, or a big house. I have been side by side with billionaires. And its funny to see that they were unhappy with their personal lives. They had to hold up this front all the while they slept in separate rooms and did not have people that really cared around them. I have been shown alot in this life. Many life lessons that I have been very aware of. I am thankful for having all those experiences. I was shown the wealthy life. Not rich. Wealthy. I was shown that for a reason. I could step into that life tomorrow and know exactly what to do, who to call, where to be, and why we would be very charitable and remember where we came from. I have had millions of dollars pass me by.. and I know its meant to come back to me. It is coming back to me....Lol.. Anyway..
I am a very lucky person. I am dealing with a lot, but I have the right people caring for me that I draw from their strength and love. Its feels so great. I cant leave out Jesus Christ. He is my everything. I give it all up to him, and I am loyal always. My heart fills with joy when I think of Jesus, and my family. I am wealthy woman! I am appreciative and thankful always. I know what I am going to say on this Thanksgiving...LOL... Thats for sure!
<3,
Renee

Halloween

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Halloween. Be Safe out there!!

Interesting Renewals

I have just been drained over the last month. I guess we don't always know how we are going to feel at any time during the day or week. I try Lord knows to have a positive attitude, to work towards my goals, and try to make it day by day like everyone else.
I have meaning for many days to get together with my grandma. She had some items for me from Ohio when she went to visit her sister. She wanted to bring them to me. I have been wanting to see her for months and either I was doing radiation or she was out of town or something always got in the way. I finally got to have dinner with her tonight. My mom cooked something for us that my grandma cooked and my great-grandma (her mother) used to cook for dinner. She made chicken and dumplings and rice crispy chicken. It is so delicious. We were able to catch up and visit for the whole evening. I very much have tears of joy every time I see that woman. I have a fondness for her that is undeniable. I love her for every thing she knows, says, does, thinks, and is. She is amazing.
I never know the rejuvenation that you can get by seeing someone you love dearly like that. I felt so great leaving from my moms apartment. We walked out together and left. Its the most comforting feeling there is to have a loved one care for you and feel the feelings of being loved by someone. Its very neat. Its a feeling of my heart being full. Filling up I should say. I know when I feel depreciated and down, my heart does not feel full. I need the boost of a loved one to get my energy from and bring me back to bonding and connecting and caring so I can focus all those feeling into my healing. I know its needed and I feel great doing all those things.
I also know that her and my aunt Janet completely read my mind. This is why I know great minds thing alike. I have been talking about needing pajamas or light shirts after the surgery. What did my grandma have in her hand from Janet and her. Pajamas and booties and a very nice card from my grandmas sister Aunt M.Margaret. I love all my people with all the thoughtfulness they had for me and I appreciate the care.
Well I had to share the night of love and sharing and bonding between family. It was great.
One love,
ReneeB.

Tuesday Is here

As I enjoy my weekend of drinking shots and having fun with friends, the thoughts of what about to occur lingers in the back of my mind. Chris and I don't really even drink any more so you know when there is 4 different kinds of shots on hand that we had some steam to blow off before the surgery.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I have wanted this day for a long to time. I have asked for it since 3 doctors ago. The response has always been that it's not necessary because it had already spread. They use mastectomy surgery as a preventive measure. So the cancer will not spread. Mine had already spread. So I have always gotten the answer that I didn't need to have the surgery. Now the doctor tells me she thinks that the cancer is going to break through the skin on my left breast. She says that I don't want that to happen, she doesn't want that happen, and I definitely don't want to be traumatized if something like that was to occur. This is the reason that the surgery is happening now and why it hasn't happened before now. Her examinations of me have lead her to believe that this is something to worry about so I am going to listen to her and have the surgery. I told them as I always do with every surgery to schedule it the first day possible.
I call yesterday morning because I didn't know if I had a pre-op appointment, and they tell me the surgery has been moved to November 9th. So I was just like WHAT, why wouldn't anyone call me and tell me that. I know they are busy but come on. I am glad I called.
I had a cry yesterday because its anticlimactic. I build my nerves up to be nerves of steel, then nothing happens. It so much pressure sometimes. I know I can handle it in the end, I know what I need to do deep down. Its a ride that I never thought I would ever be on that is for sure. I know deep down in my heart that I will have just as much reward as I have had heartache. I know that deep in my heart. It will be nothing but smiles very soon. And I know it is earned and definitely deserved. I cant wait to be at the finish line with all my family and friend crying tears of joy for a change. Tears of JOY!
Cheers,
Renee

Overcoming to Start Over

I have been critical of myself during this whole experience because all the sudden I was faced with worst case scenario. I had to pull all my strength and knowledge together. I am still having to make life changing decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life. I have been able to handle a lot of things in my life. I mean a LOT. I know everyone has a story and I don't mean to sound like my story is better or worse than anyone, I am just saying I became very aware of myself when I needed me the most. It became my struggle to even show up for myself everyday. I have had many hard days and wondered why I have had to face things in this way or that way. I have had a real wake up call is what it all boils down too. What I am also realizing is I like the person I am becoming when I shed all the sorrow and show up for myself. I felt like I wasn't enough for even myself sometimes. I have been lost and found and lost and found. I go to a place where I am numb and I don't think about anything. We go on living like nothing is wrong. I just have to adjust to living with chronic pain and suffering. I have been able to do it quite well. I often am able to ignore pain. Its amazing what you can train yourself to do. I train myself so people don't even know I am in pain. I try to make it comfortable for everyone. I don't sit out in front of everyone and take my hand fulls of pills...lol.. this is my own private fight. I have realized that whatever I am meant for in this life, I have to be strong enough to show up for me. I don't need anyone else to root for me, I don't need anyone else to be there for me but me. Don't get me wrong, my team does keep me afloat so I can even have this mindset. I am able to be me because they are able to love me for being me. Its a great feeling when you can be genuine and you get genuine back. I love my family, and I love the people that are there for me. They say when you have been through so much you can't even bare going on, that when you do get the strength to take another step, you will be so glad you did. You are walking into the light, the best, most healing, most loving, most caring place that you could ever imagine. Its a major thing to shed the negative in your life. It is a great place on the other side, I am a witness to that. And I have to give credit to my faith. I have faith in my angels, my loving Lord, whom carries me everyday to the next. Only say the word, and I shall be healed... Amen!

RB

I am a Top Health Blogger

I have permission to publish the letter from Dr. Rutledge and I couldnt have been happier to have been asked to do this. Its the reason I write this blog to begin with. I wouldnt have been able to work things out in my head without alot of thinking that I have had to do.
The letter read:

Hi Renee,

My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge, and I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, including over 2,700 of the Web's leading health bloggers! We carefully reviewed your blog, and based on the high quality of your writing, the frequency of your posts, and your passion for helping others, we think you would be a great addition to the Network. As a member of the HealthBlogger Network, you'll enjoy the greatly expanded reach and exposure to Wellsphere's more than 6 million monthly unique visitors, innovative special features and functionality for your blog, and an exclusive badge to recognize you as one of the Web's leading health bloggers. You'll also have the opportunity to share tips and advice about blogging with your fellow health-focused bloggers. Once you join, we'll begin promoting you and your blog as a great source of health knowledge and support, featuring you in rotation on our homepage (www.wellsphere.com), republishing your posts on Wellsphere, giving you special status on Wellsphere and linking back to your blog. THERE IS NO COST FOR YOU TO JOIN, and YOU RETAIN OWNERSHIP of the content that you allow Wellsphere to republish. To be clear, your content is yours, and you are free to do whatever you choose with it.

Let me tell you a bit about me and about Wellsphere. I'm a physician who has taught and practiced Internal and Emergency Medicine for over 25 years at Harvard and Stanford medical schools, and am passionate about helping people get the information and support they need to be healthier. I'm now the Chief Medical Information Officer at Wellsphere.com, where I manage the HealthBlogger Network. Wellsphere, the fastest-growing consumer health website, is revolutionizing the way people find and share health and healthy living information and support. We've recently merged with The HealthCentral Network, Inc. (www.healthcentral.com), and together we're now serving more than 10 million people a month!

I would like to invite you to join the HealthBlogger Network as a featured blogger in the Breast Cancer Community. Once you join the HealthBlogger Network, we will automatically republish the blog posts that you've already written and the ones you write in the future (so you don't have to re-post them yourself, and there's no extra work for you!). We will feature them not only on the community pages of the site, but also on numerous relevant WellPages, where we give users a comprehensive view of expert information, news, videos, local resources, and member postings on topics you write about. Each of your articles that are re-published on Wellsphere will include a link back to your blog, and your Wellsphere profile page will show your special status as a featured blogger on Wellsphere (and will include another link back to your blog). By connecting to the Wellsphere platform, you will greatly expand the audience for your postings, attract additional readers to your blog, and receive much deserved recognition for your efforts to improve peoples' lives.

You will also receive from us a special badge for your blog recognizing you as a Top Health Blogger, and gain access to features and functionality for your blog that we've created especially for members in the HealthBlogger Network, including a custom tailored Health Knowledge Finder search widget, a Wellevation widget that provides daily motivational tips for your members, and a Wellternatives widget that offers nutrition information and healthier suggestions at popular chain restaurants.

Congratulations on being selected to participate in the HealthBlogger Network! If you have any questions, please feel free to send me an email to Dr.Rutledge@wellsphere.com.

Good health,
Geoff

--
G.W. Rutledge MD, PhD
Chief Medical Information Officer
The HealthCentral Network, Inc.

Radiation Almost Done

So I have a single treatment left to do. I had some time in there where I didn't think I was going to make it through. I had cold chills where I was hot and cold at the same time. Miserable being. I cried the whole way up there and the whole way in the door. Chris tells me to compose myself so I can get in and outta there quickly. They have 2 machines down that day so the people are piling up. I was so glad they called me first and I was outta there. One lady had been there 2 and a half hours already. I went to my moms after that. It was a day to celebrate. I just had a radiation treatment in between time. I then went after to the house to celebrate. It was really great. Monday is my last treatment. Then I have a whole body scan before I go in for my surgery. I was not supposed to have any scans done of any kind during my radiation. I was to have no extra radiation. Only what I was prescribed to be given. So, now its time for the majors. I have to pep myself up. Fired up, Ready to Go.

Valentine's Day Poem

I ran across this the other day. Chris had it laminated at his job so we could keep it as a keepsake. Its a poem I wrote to him on Valentines Day 2008.

I have always been the one with a fight inside me
I am always the tough one, for everyone to see
You are the first and only one to get through
And really get to know me, And I got to know you
I grew up overnight, and so did you
I love you, it was meant to be; just us two
It took one night to make a son
Christopher is one of the best things weve ever done
People talking shit, every single day
Despite them, we've attained our goals anyway
Against all odds, we've pushed through
We are a family, thats what we are supposed to do
Our families always know better than we did, yours and mine
Never leaving us alone to make our own life divine
We lived and lived despite what they say
Without help, with great faith, we did it our way
Devastation strikes, we lose our pa
Christopher rememebers him, I made sure he saw
His Po-Po in all the months and days
Until "Larry" took our dad, he went his own way
Who can complain, he went to heaven above
He isnt sick anymore, and he's surrounded by love
One week later, there's a surprise about
Another baby is on the way, one life in, one life out
The way I found out was I felt a kick
The tests were negative, the one's with the little stick
Four months in, five months to go
And on March 9, we get K. Bravo
Now we have one of each, a girl and a boy
Some would say the perfect family of love and joy
Sure there have been bumpy roads along the way
I would not change one single day
The day we met, Our first kiss
Its all been a great time I would never miss
The Lord chose you and me
For the most difficult task there could be
Stage 4 Cancer is what God has given me
He has chosen me to be the miracle for all to see
No matter what, they will remember me
Dont count me out yet, the fight is ON
I will not stop until they cancer is gone
We will be at church and pray
For our family to strive for the best every day
So far it has all worked out and I will never let you go
Your are the BEST thing that has happened to me
I thought you should know
There is really only one thing left to say
Happy Valentines Day! (2008)

Author: Renee Bravo

Kicking Cancers Ass - Home

Kicking Cancers Ass - Home

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WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO

IT CANNOT CRIPPLE LOVE.
IT CANNOT SHATTER HOPE.
IT CANNOT CORRODE FAITH.
IT CANNOT DESTROY PEACE.
IT CANNOT KILL FRIENDSHIPS.
IT CANNOT SUPPRESS MEMORIES.
IT CANNOT SILENCE COURAGE.
IT CANNOT INVADE THE SOUL.
IT CANNOT STEAL ETERNAL LIFE.
IT CANNOT CONQUER THE SPIRIT.

My New Website

I have been working on this website over the past couple of months and finally found one that has everything I wanted on my site. It provides a calendar, a place for video postings, and a contact page for me. I also have in place a guestbook, and a donate page. I have been asked if I have a place set up for those who have the kindness within them to donate to my fight. I simply am answering those calls. I hope you all like it.


www.kickingcancersass.webs.com

This is a site that I also have linked back to my blog so that anyone who donates can check up on me at anytime. I still have some great news to share besides this. So Stay Tuned!

I am waiting for permission to post the letter that I recieved.

Toodles,
Renee B.

Last Radiation & This Radiation

Having radiation again cant help but make me think of the first time I had radiation. I have been getting my second round and after my surgery I will getting almost 7 more weeks of radiation. I know that with both I have been very very tired. I don't know what it is about it that makes me tired. I am surprisingly strong when it comes to all of this. I don't expect myself to be super sick with burn marks and heaving over the toilet until the sun comes up. I refuse to put myself through even the thoughts of that. I got sick pretty much every day the first time. I also was getting the treatments through my stomach so I don't know if that had alot to do with it. I was taking all this medicine as well. The first radiation treatments were for my lower back (sacrum,S1,S2 area) but they did the radiation from that round of treatments through the front. It went through my abdomen including my stomach and uterus and ovaries. I was made baron because of it. I also needed doses that would have basically fried my spinal cord and paralyzed me to completely eradicate it. They gave me as high a dosage as they could. This later resulted in me getting a hysterectomy at age 31. Unable to have anymore children. Thank God I have a son because he is the last of the name. I had a responsibility to my father in law to provide a son. I have a daughter as well. When she came along my thoughts were that I already had a son, I would love another one to carry the name. I also would love a daughter which means I would have one of each. Best of either world I say. Anyway, I held on to that, and I had so much more on my plate that was more major than that. I never really have been able to mourn my future children. I have been busy enough fighting for my life.
It was funny because I was talking to my grandmother about it. She just had a hysterectomy herself a number of years ago. The doctor said she would be a good source of info for me when it comes to questions about the side effects. His thoughts were that there is good chance that you and your close family members would experience the same side effects. My mother and my grandmother have both had a hysterectomy so I was able to ask them both. I talked to them both about it and luckily they both didn't have many side effects at all. Hot flashes would be the main thing that we all 3 experienced. I had one of those comical moments in life while I was talking to my grandma about this. You see, she has 13 children. 8 boys, and 5 girls. Out of all the children including the wives of all my uncles, no one has had to seek out my grandma about this subject. I of all people was the one talking with her about it. Out of all the people in the family, I, her 2ND eldest grandchild, was the one seeking her guidance. I am now considered post-menopausal. When I heard that I kinda instantly for a moment felt like an old lady. I know mental thoughts are very powerful in influencing ones actions, whether you realize it or not, so I didn't let myself go there for very long. I did however have this instant flash of myself as an old lady with all gray hair all knotted up in a bun. Society has our minds trained that the stereotypes of every situation is what comes through as your first thoughts. I felt out of place because society never prepares young people to deal with those types of surgeries or situations. I know I wasn't mentally prepared for it. Most people are just planning their first child around my age.
I also experienced pain on a maximum level with the radiation. It is what started the seizure in my legs. It stated the nerve pain. The area where the tumor is located on my spine is intertwined with my spinal cord and wrapped up in my nerves. So no matter what, I knew I would be dealing with one pain or the other. It seemed to most intensive during the radiation. I feel like its putting up a fight. It doesn't want to die. I look at it like this, its going to get worse before it gets better. I am winning and its the last stand. That's the way I see it. So I will deal with the pain. It shows me I am winning!
I draw strength from not only myself, but from my husband Chris, and my kids. Trust me, we are a family unit that sticks together no matter what. Every family has ups and downs. We have really leaned on each other when needed and its a great feeling.

That's all for now...peace and love,
Renee B.

Only 4 Radiation Treatments Left

There are only 4 radiation treatments left in this round for my leg. I couldn't be happier about it. I have been handling it like a trooper if I do say so myself. I saw the doctor today as I see him weekly for him to check on up on me and see how I am doing. He asked me how I was and how was everything going. I basically told him that I do have the same pain. I am very achy in my whole back and down my legs. I know from my last radiation treatments on my lower back that it did hurt more during the time of the radiation. That's when my legs also started seizing up and also was the trigger that made me not able to walk during the beginning of my diagnosis. I look at it like this, its going to get worse before it gets better. It is putting up a fight. I am winning and its the last stand. That's the way I see it. So I will deal with the pain. It shows me I am winning!
It seems that the way I have been dealing with certain areas of going through having Stage 4 cancer is to put things in perspective. Its very hard to deal with this no matter how you look at it. I have noticed that I cant deal with everything at once. I can only do one thing at a time. I can only deal with one thing at a time. I have to put things in order. Whether its order of importance, or order of urgency, or the orders of the doctors which can override my thoughts if necessary. This way I can make sure that I do my tasks thoroughly, with all the strength within me. I have to draw strength from not only myself, but from my husband Chris, and my kids. Trust me, we are a family unit that sticks together no matter what. Every family has ups and downs. We have really leaned on each other when needed and its a great feeling.

That's all for now...peace and love,
Renee B.

Enough is Enough

I am curious when you think enough is enough when it comes to letting someone go or trying to keep them in your life. I know how it is to want something or someone to go the way you want it to go and people to feel the way you want them to feel. All I know is that its no shame to put a good effort into something you believe in. Dont go overboard. Give someone a chance. Leave it in their court on whether they want to participate in growing as a person or becoming closed off and not learning anything. One thing you have to accept is that some people are stuck in a rut where they may not want to learn anything. They may want to be difficult and thinking they are trying to control the situation by not responding. Funny thing is that isnt how we look at it from our side. We are trying to purge bad feelings and grow from the times that are there for us to grow from. Its a lesson that the person will have to learn again and again if they dont take the time to learn it when it presents itself. You cant force someone. All you can do is know that if they choose not to be a part of it dont worry about it. You have made your peace and left it in their court to deal with. Make it a place in your heart where its all good and no bad. It takes work. It does. Dont let someone else dictate your feelings and what you feel. Dictate what and when its time to love or leave. I personally have decided to try with everyone I love. Its not something I will do repeatedly. I have too much to do. If its not time and the universe says no, then hey, maybe the universe will let you let it go...never to think of the bad times again. You are all good. Your force is nothing but strong and true. Its a great time to be alive!

Oct. 27th

This is the big day guys. Its the day of the surgery. The major surgery day. I am actually coming to terms with the whole thing. I thought all my tears were gone. I have pretty much cried about every aspect of this whole thing. It was another slam to me that I am going to get a piece of me cut off. I know it has to be done. It is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I honestly started feeling like my Mt Everest is coming to the top. I have been climbing and climbing and I am reaching the top soon with nothing left to do but come down. I need to do this. I don't know what else to do. I trust my doctor. I know she wouldn't steer me wrong. I told them to prepare me if they think I am going to need more radiation after the surgery too. So I am glad the doctor was being honest that day. I need complete honesty. Its amazing how hard it is for some people. Well not for me. I am not afraid of the truth. I would much rather prefer the truth. I speak the truth for I give what I expect. It doesn't always work out that way. The fact is you have to stick to what you believe in. Push forward. Keep your head up. Like Obama says, "Fired up, Ready to go!" Its on baby, its on!

Radiation Day 2

Today's radiation was in the evening as I said yesterday. It was actually ok. Today was a busy day. Christopher got his braces on today. Well they started anyway. Its a process over several trips. I did well on today's treatment though. It wasn't to bad at all. It took around 45 minutes with the waiting. The actual treatment took only 5-7 minutes. I was only dizzy for a bit. We ended up going to my mothers house for dinner. She cooked chicken n dumplings and rice crispy chicken. My mom makes it all. It is so good. Christopher was so upset because he could not eat well. We warned him all day. We even went to get him his last hamburger earlier in the day. Its a trip. We truck on as a family. Supportive of each other no matter what. I am still climbing my mountain. I feel I am close to the top. I know that I am going to make it through this. Its not even a question. Its just a matter of time. I have so much more to catch you up on. And some exciting news. I was so flattered and I cant wait to share. Love all!

Radiation Day 1

It was my first day of radiation. I have had to go to several previous visits to meet the doctor, then for the first visit for them to line everything up. They also had to take x-rays. The doctor had to approve the x-rays. They use the tattoo marks and the pen marks they drew on me to do this. I have had pain from my leg and the doctor told me that he hopes it subsides about a month after the treatment. Its takes that long. I am of the same hopes. I went around 4pm today due to scheduling of the place. Its extremely busy right now. Its kinda scary to think that it is so busy with people getting radiation that I have also been scheduled as late as 7pm. So 9 more treatments to go. I had 16 last time so it is a few less. I am only allowed to get so much in one area. I was immediately sick from the treatment and when I got home I was sick not long after. This is what I usually go through. I say that it is worth going through instead of being burned and having red marks from the radiation. I didn't have that last time and I don't expect it this time. I will only be sick for a bit when I come home. I will deal with it.

Playing Catch-Up

I have so much to catch you up on. I will be doing so all week pretty much...TTYSoon

Charger Craziness

I finally got my charger for my laptop. I have been waiting FOREVER! I first had an issue with my internet. Something to do with the wiring, and then the day I got it fixed my charger broke. URG! So I am back on now, and able to catch everyone up on the latest. I went to see the Radiation Oncologist. He decided on 10 treatments for my leg. Each treatment will take 5-10 minutes. I go during weekdays. I also had to go for the initial visit that they do to line everything up. They actually have to tattoo you for the procedure. It is how they line up the machine. I was stupid last time like ok, you can poke me to tattoo me. That dang lady poked me with that needle so hard just to leave a dot. A tattooed dot in which they used to line up the machine. Its a crazy thing. They have to tattoo both sides of my hips and right above my belly button. I told those ladies that I was already tattooed from my first radiation and I didn't need it again. I told her they can use the same dots from last time. They are still there..lol.. I know it doesn't seem like much, but any bit of pain I can avoid I will avoid. I actually had nights where I cried myself to sleep because my leg hurt so bad. The pain in my bone is indescribable. It is bone pain, and nerve pain, and it sucks major. I have been handling it though. I am ready to get this radiation over with. It is supposed to help with the pain and that is a big proposal. I take all the pain like a professional like always. Its a gift by this point. I want to have something else for my gift. Pain pain go away, come again another day...LOL! I say bring it on. I am going to do this with my hands ties being my back. I declare that I will have no side effects when it comes to the radiation. I may be a little tired. I can accept that. With my head held high, I am ready to get this step over with and move on to the next hurdle. Soon enough it will be over... I just have to keep moving, keep pushing forward. Never forget to keep pushing forward. You don't even have to think. Just get out there and see what the world has to say. Love you all!

Leg Update

I haven't spoken much about my leg and how I have been when it comes to walking around, and handling day to day. I really let myself heal, I listened to the docs as well. When they told me to walk with a walker or cane till my stitches came out I did. I did all I was supposed to do. Which is good. Before when I couldn't walk I basically told the doctors where they could shove that cane. So I think I have made an improvement when it comes to that...lol.. I go from day to day when it comes to the pain. I also have days when there is no pain. They are here and there. Usually never for more than a day or 2. Boy today and yesterday have just been like heck! Major pain. I feel it in my bones and my knee. The medicine has done nothing over the past couple of days. I even took so much medicine yesterday that I got sick. I made myself sick with it. I go see my pain management doctor next week so I will find out what they want me to do and what medicine they will want to keep or change. I have liked my doctors so far when it comes to pain management. The nurse was pretty rude to me the last time so I'm not looking forward to her. I also find out my radiation schedule too so maybe that may help with the pain as it goes on. The lady that my oncologist introduced me to from the American Cancer Society is my friend now. I happen to end up with appointments on Wed. which is the day she volunteers up there. She was Stage 3C. Now she is healed. She just told me that there are peaks and valleys to it and that I will make it... just keep up the fight. I see her now when I go up there and fill her in on the latest. And I also have her number if I need it or want to talk. She is nice. I am glad to have met her. But oh yeah, my leg hurts like a b... Annual Family Camping trip is coming up, I am trying to take it easy because we are planning on going. I can do it., I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I can. I know, I'm a dork. LOL. Talk soon, Renee

It Inches Closer

Boy have the feelings been flowing about this surgery. It so tough. More and more everyday I know its something that I have to do. I go back and forth everyday. Chris just basically layed it on the line and asked me if he had to beg me to stay with him. It hit me so hard. So many people are right with me, hurting with me, happy with me, or just there to talk if I need it. I always have to be conscious of the fact that I not only go through this for myself, I go through this so I can be here for the people around me on the other end of this. So many tears. So many anxieties about what is yet to come. I am in charge of my fate, and I am not going anywhere. I remind myself that the fight is in me, and I have to stand up to the challenge. I don't care how many times I get knocked down, I WILL get back up. I will be battered, bruised, crying, clawing, and out of breath, and as long as I am still breathing I have to remember that. This is why I scheduled my leg surgery so quick. The time is what gets to me. Waiting. More waiting. I have to know that this is right for me. I am ready to begin healing. I am ready to reach the top of my mountain. I am tired of the climb. I am ready to start climbing down now. I made it through another day. Thats all that matters.
RB

In this special moment in life...

Think freely. Practice patience.
Smile often. Savor special moments.
Live God's message. Make new
friends. Rediscover old ones. Tell
those you love that you do. Feel
deeply. Hope. Grow. Be crazy. Count
your blessings. Observe miracles.
Make them happen. Discard worry.
Give. Give in. Trust enough to take.
Pick some flowers. Share them. Keep
a promise. Look for rainbows. Gaze
at stars. see beauty everywhere.
Work hard. Be wise. Try to
understand. Take time for people.
Make time for yourself. Laugh
heartily. Spread joy. Take a chance.
Reach out. Let someone in. Try
something new. Slow down. Be soft
sometimes. Believe in yourself. Trust
others. See a sunrise. Listen to rain.
Reminisce. Cry when you need to.
Trust life. Have faith. Enjoy wonder.
Comfort a friend. Have good ideas.
Make some mistakes. Learn from
them. Celebrate life.

Jan Michelsen

Too Many Minds

I go through the week and the weekend both up and sometimes down. Most people including my family don't even know when I am down. I sometime cry in private. I cry with Chris. I cry with my mom. I am so tired of the crying, but it does good. It helps me to feel better sometimes. I know one thing is I have spent the past couple of days skimming a book called "The Secret"...the secret by the way is the law of attraction. It states in the book that our thoughts are things, they are what we are intending to do, want to do, don't want to do, and it leads to the things we attract to us through our thoughts. Its such a powerful thing that no one thinks about. No on thinks that their thoughts mean much, and its all going to happen how it happens anyway. I don't believe that. I do believe that we have a lot of control around what happens to us, or we try to make the best choices with what we have. We can not control the people around us. And if you sit around and wait for someone to do the right thing, well you will be waiting a long time my friend. Maybe your idea of the right thing is different from what someone else thinks. You align yourself with the people that you think will take care of you in a hard time. Someone that you can call in the time of need. I can say one thing. Chris is a good man. Christopher has a good heart. Kristen has a good mind. All of us are good at something, and all together we can become great if we choose to. Its our thoughts and actions that take us there. Most of the time people who do good are the silent ones in the back. No one knows that they do good. No one knows because they don't do it for the recognition. They do it because they are good people. I have spent many days here forced to be home everyday dealing with an illness that I did not choose to deal with. I gave up control. I gave up trying to map the way everyday. I try to just go with the flo. I cant change myself, I just try to adjust certain moments and actions to better myself or the relationship of whomever is in the moment with you. You cant force them though. So many times I have put myself out there to try to let the other person meet me halfway. You cant control the moments in their life either. They may be at a difficult moment in their own lives. I try to remember that as well. Maybe they are not at the same point of learning and growth that you are. Maybe your not on their level either. I put myself out there and was left dangling at times, and I have put myself out there and been pleasantly surprised of who steps forward to meet you halfway. Its never who you think it will be either. Its easy to forget other people have lives too, they have problems too, they have difficulties just as anyone else. One thing that has been hard for me to understand is when people are presented with the opportunity to do good, or help, or be called to give a hand, why people don't take advantage of it. Most of us work, and come home and have the same thing go on everyday, just waiting for an opportunity to do good because we are all so busy with life. When that time comes, its the ones learning, the ones that get it, that answer the call. I have been caught up in the hierarchy that is supposed to be in place. The brothers watch out for the sisters, the oldest watches over everyone, and we all get together as much as we can and bond. I have had very rude awakenings when it comes to family. Thoughts that I used to have, have completely changed. I almost feel naive talking about how it is "supposed" to be. There is no cookie cutter way for every family. The sooner you learn that the less heartache you will have. Believe me on that. The less tears, the less disappointments , the less down feelings that you will experience. Now it goes back to my thoughts are things. You control what you feel and think. So don't let yourself go there. Acknowledge it as a lesson learned, and don't think about it again. Think of fluffy marshmallows if you want, you can, they are your thoughts. Why sit around and be miserable all the time. Think about what you want, think about what you need, think about good times, think about how you can better yourself. Never take it to the negative place. Think about your goodness, and you will be surprised how much the goodness will multiply. Its a pleasant surprise. Prayers, Love, Hugs, to each and every one of you.

Renee B.

Breast Surgeon Follow Up

We had a follow up with the breast surgeon after we saw the plastic surgery doctor. It was to discuss what the next step was. On the bright side, even though I wont have immediate reconstruction it wont be long after. They are going to run tests to make sure they got it all. It will be those test results that determine if I have radiation on my left chest armpit area. If they are able to get it all then I will be cleared to get reconstruction. They talk about it so matter a fact like oh its just another surgery. That's the point. Another surgery. I am so sick of surgery I cant even say. Although I do not mean to sound like I am complaining. I know there are people who have to have many more than I do. Its never easy no matter what kind of surgery it is. I still am not happy about the situation. I am having a hard time giving up control of this thing. I don't want to be butchered. That's what it feels like. I am having a mental breakdown when it comes to thinking about this. I have been told that it wont make my life longer and it wasn't a cure, so why the hell are they telling me to do this. I want to be a whole person. I will essentially heal and then get cut again. Its a year of adjustments and they have to take skin from somewhere else to make it complete. I am having a very difficult time with this one. Anyway, I am supposed to find out about the radiation on my leg next Wed. After I know the plan from the radiation oncologist then I am supposed to call the surgeon back and let them know the plan. Then they can schedule my surgery. I am not thrilled about any of this. When I was told about this surgery they said nothing about any of this. I was not prepared for any of it. I think that is why I am having a hard time swallowing this pill. I still don't know what to do. Its torment. Its torture. Funny that I don't think about it all day. But when I do, the waterworks start. And I wont cry in front of my kids so I have to really get a hold of myself. I have to watch where they are and make sure they never see that part. Hopefully, I will not have to make the decision. The Lord will guide me without me having to do a thing. I have faith. Through it all I still have faith. Its all I have to hold onto.

Taking it All In

As I sit here working on a couple of websites I am doing, I think about the heavy decisions that weigh on my mind. I have so much invested in this life, I refuse to miss out on the good stuff. I am so pissed that they make me go on this roller coaster. I would have been better prepared for hearing the actual no. I know its for the best. I was just kinda hoping that I could combine 2 surgeries if I could. I have to get another, and another, and another surgery is what is alot for me to handle. We have gone along pretty well where my kids arent effected by what happens around them. I dont let them see me cry. Under any circumstances. I want them to always know I am a fighter, and I am fighting as best I can. If it takes saying good bye to the parts of me that need to go, then that is what it takes. I am scared to death, dont get me wrong. I am more nervous on this surgery than any other I have had. I dont know how to feel about it. I will be different. This is too much for me to wrap my head around. I am shaking in my skin. What am I going to do now?

Plastic Surgeon Visit

I had my visit yesterday with the plastic surgeon. It did not go well for me. I come away from the visit not liking this doctor, and I am going to relay those feelings to the breast surgeon tomorrow when I see her. I have a feeling she wants to schedule my surgery. I was told I would not be reconstructed at the same time they remove the left breast and armpit. There are so many variables that they don't know if it will actually be a bad time to do the reconstruction. For example, if they decide to radiate that area, they would have to remove the implant and I would start all over. It would be a step backwards. There is an issue with the chemo to affecting it. I don't know and I am so confused right now. I know I need this thing out of me, but they are going to remove pieces of me and I don't know how to feel about that. I can get reconstruction at a later time. It is a long process to reconstruct. It takes a year of expanding and adjusting and I would have to commit to a year of appointments on top of all my other appointments. Its best if I wait...
I am devastated, I am OK with it, I have been crying ever since I left there. I know it has to be done. Its more difficult than you could imagine. More later.. I cant do this right now......

Actually I am Lucky!

Reflecting is something that has caused me to realize that all in all, I am a pretty lucky girl. I have a great husband, I have 2 beautiful children. One of each, girl and a boy. That right there is enough to make me sit back and reflect. Some people want kids and cant have them. Some people don't want kids and wait until they are old as dirt to decide they want a kid, then cant or wont. There are tons of ladies out there who are still looking for that special guy. I found mine a long time ago. I lucked into having children at a young age, when I had enough energy to tend to them. My K is still young and going strong, but she helps much more than she needs. They are most wonderful. I told my mother that the way things ended up, if I didn't have kids young, I wouldn't have had kids. I know that is looking on the bright side. I still have my mind, I can still function, and I know that a lot of people have it worse than I do. I am humble. I know I am spiritually gaining boatloads, I know that mentally I am tougher than you could imagine. I know that inside, you couldn't rattle me if you jumped up and down on my head. I am steady. I have some of the best friends that a girl could ask for. I have loyalty. I have my grace. I have love. I do not regret. I learn and move forward. I would say all in all, I am dam lucky. And when I come out of this, still bobbin and weaving, I will have even achieved a new level of luck. I am a survivor. I am a hustler. I am a fighter. I will always fight for what is right, for what is good, and for what makes sense. I love hard, I care intensely, and I never walk away. I am here. I am happy. I am lucky. I have love surrounding me, lifting me up, and carrying me forward. I even love the haters because without them then you wouldn't know that you have something good in your life. My man will move the sun for me if its what I wanted. I will swim the sea for him if he asked me. I even have best friends. I don't sit here and say I don't have this, or that, or woe is me. Hell with all that. I do have everything that I want. I have had it for a long time. The rest was just maintenance. I am meant for something special. I get to say that I helped save lives! Can that be any cooler? I am rambling by now, I now it...lol... but I had to push that point home. I love me no matter how hard it can be at times. I sit here with a cracked rib, a steel leg, constant pain, unable to bear children, radiated, chemofied and I have to spend the rest of my life going to doctors. But you know what, I will go through every bit of it because I know how I am cared for by my friends. And my true family, knows that this is a learning process and they are learning right along with me. Its a roller coaster ride, no doubt.

Wire Bras

I have to put my public statement out there about wire bras. Due to the nature of my injury and the physical presence of a scar I know without a doubt that a wire injury from a bra in around 2005 caused the cancer that I am now facing. I know what your saying, it was cheap. No, I got this bra at Neimans. So it was not cheap. I was cut along the side of my left breast. It was a pretty good cut. It ended up healing and there was a scar but nothing major. Just like when you get a good cut anywhere it leaves a scar. This is where the cancer is now. The main area. I have told doctor after doctor this. All they say is there is no proof one way or another. I tell them I am the proof. When I saw the mammogram of my left breast, all you can see is a big black mass. I asked the doctor last time if they can differentiate the scar tissue from the cancer. His answer was NO! Can you believe that? Scar tissue comes up black. Cancer shows as black. Its all together. This is where is started. I want to tell all the women out there that if you get a wire injury from a bra, get it looked at and documented immediately. Sad thing is, I can not go after anyone for liability because the statute is really short. I couldn't even go after the doctors who misdiagnosed me because of the statute. It sucks. I know I would not have had a hard time proving my case. I actually was talking with several lawyers, but by the time they got back with me it was on the edge of the timeline. It wasn't long enough for anyone to gather a proper case together. So I have to just get the word out about this finally. I say I don't know why I am dealing with this, but I do actually. Its because of a wire bra. Just be careful out there ladies!

RB

WHAT IS NEXT?

So I realized that all this was taking place during the weeks my kids go back to school and I wont do the surgery if it effects them. To me, my numbers are going down anyways. Things are not out of whack. Its not a major emergency to do it NOW. I want to finish my radiation. Then I want to do the surgery. Only if they are going to do what I want. I wont budge. Its my one and only vessel and I wont take these decisions lightly.
Besides I think I cracked or maybe broke a rib late Sunday or Monday. I dont know how. All I know is they told me I had a cracked rib before from a scan and I didnt even know it. I actually heard a crack, and it feels like there is a break or a crack. Im like jeez, somethin else. I havent put a call into the doc yet, I have just been sleeping and not moving and taking it easy. I feel a little better right now. When I am all hopped up on these pain meds I dont feel a dam thing..lmao.. its no joke.
Well right now, they moved my appointments to Fri, and the follow up on next Wed. And the radiation date is for Thurs. They keep moving these things around, so I dont know if these dates are set in stone. We will see. Then I will let you know!

Well,
ttfn,
ReneeB.

Last week & weekend

Whats up guys?
I have been exhausted doing all that needs to be done before school. We have been up at the college all week and weekend getting Mijo's classes and schedule together. We also got Laffy Taffy's uniforms only to get a letter in the mail today that we bought the wrong color. So that sucks. I told Chris I am sending her in her white shirt the first day just to protest. Its not fair. Some of us don't wait until the last minute to buy their stuff, and they barely send a letter today? That's DISD for you.
My boy is a junior this year. Can you believe that? Its crazy. I have to prepare myself for him to have a career and life of his own...that's going to be crazy. But that is what we have been preparing him for this whole time. He also proves himself these two years, and automatically gets a scholarship to UTA. I think its awesome. Even though I lead the way, he is the one who has to do the work. He is the one who keeps himself in the program. He is the one who walks the walk. I am proud of him for stepping up to the pressure and surviving. One thing I have let that boy do this summer is sleep. He was so sleep deprived during the year. And this year he wants to get a job too! I dont know how all that is going to work, but we'll see. I dont want him to go to fast. I want him to see what his workload is going to be for the year.
My girl will probably go to the magnet school during elementary. They want her over there. I heard nothing but them trying all last year. Sending letters home with her and mailing them to the house. I did not want her to go in the middle of the year. I wanted her to start fresh for the year. She is fine where she is, with her friends. That is also important. She is getting social skills. I am going to do more research this year, and a tour of the school. If I like what I see I will put her in.
Thing is, at the end of the year when we did all the end of year stuff, her TAG teacher pulled me aside and told me K was the smartest person in the class. She said she felt bad some of the assignment that she gave her because she knew it was too easy. But she couldnt leave the other kids behind just for 1 kid. I understood. Thats what I go up against if I dont move her. She will get bored and act out. I will check it out.
I never put my boy in a magnet school. He was always in TAG (Talanted and Gifted). They want my girl early..lol. I have her plan all lined up, just like I did for my boy. I know what my kids are going to do from birth, please, I got it like that!...lol... no really, I have always known what to do for them. Basically what wasnt done for me. Dont we always say that as parents. There is always something we craved as kids, and didnt get. We always know that in hindsight. So we learn from it, or we repeat it. Well I definately learn from what goes on in my life, and what to do next. So this weekend was full, and tiring but we got it done. Thats all that matters! Salute!
Rae

My Guys!

I have to show much love to my guys, my pals, my friends, my family Crae, Judy, Mike, Reatha, and Sandy. I can know without a doubt that you guys have my back no matter what. I know that nothing stupid will ever come between us, that you support me, care about me, and are there for me to laugh, cry, play, or just hang out. I know the things that are valuable in this life, and it isn't the big house, the "cool" car, or money, its who is going to be there for you in the end. Mind you, I have worked for and with billionaires. People really let their true colors show when the going gets tough. People tuck tail and run, say and don't do, and have things to say when others are brave enough to stick it out. I have been accused of alot of things during all this. I have even been accused of "faking it" and this was from one of my family members. I can give it face by saying that it affects me but truthfully it does not. I know who to give weight to and who not to. Some fooled me for a long time, but the truth always comes out. The best thing about the truth is that its not something you have to keep up with, or be fake about. I am truthful no matter what, I never worry about what I told this person or the story I need to keep straight. I don't have to call everyone in the family and make sure everyone knows my side. These are the stupid things that go on around me from people who are sadly my blood. The bright side of that is I know that the opposite of that is greatness. Its good times. Its love. Its priceless. Its true friendship. Its happiness. Its bonding. Its having someone to lean on. There are very few people in my life for whom I label golden, and these precious souls are golden to me. I would do anything for any one of these guys and I know the feeling is mutual. Squish Squish, tear, tear, smile, smile. I can handle tears of joy any day! The real test is who is going to be there for you in your trying days, in the battle of your life. I used to think the way you treated people mattered on how they treated you back. I am now a little wiser. There are some good fakers out there. Truth is, good people are good people no matter what. Perpetrators are the ones who are only there when they can get something out of it, or they need you for your connections or your skill set. Then they move on. No love, no care, no righteousness, no guilt. I cant be paranoid about it and I wont. I will be me no matter what. That's all I can be.I have to say I appreciate having you guys in my life muchos besos! Renee

Forgiveness (to those of us who arent mental...RB)

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-13-09

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"
(Isaiah 43:18, NIV)



TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Every person, no matter how much faith they have or how good a person they are will face disappointments. It may be something simple like not getting that promotion you really hoped for, or not closing that big deal you worked so hard on. Maybe you didn't qualify for a house you really wanted. Or, it may be something more serious like a relationship not working out, the death of a loved one, or some kind of illness in your body. Whatever it may be, the reality is that we’re all going to suffer some setbacks. But I believe one of the main keys to overcoming disappointments is learning to let go of the past. The past weighs you down and holds you back.

If you feel "stuck" today, you may want to examine what you're holding on to. Be willing let go of the past by choosing forgiveness. Who hurt you? Who wronged you? Release it to God. Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to receive God's forgiveness? Make the choice today to let go of the past so that you can experience the bright future God has in store for you!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, search my heart and mind today. Show me any area where I may be holding on to the past. Help me to receive Your forgiveness so that I can extend forgiveness to others and move forward in the wonderful plan You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

August 13, 2009

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
The chance to draw back,
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation,
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance of which kills coutless ideas
And endless plans:
That the moment one definitaley commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
Raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance,
Which no one could have dreamed would come their way.
Whatever you can do or dream you can.
Begin.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Begin it now.


A passage from German philosopher Johanne Goethe

Breast Surgery Update

Chris went with me to this appointment. I thought it was to get a treatment, but when I got there I found out I was seeing the breast surgeon. I was like... ok... I didn't have any prep time, only my waiting room time to get myself strong in the mind and heart and build myself up for this visit. Each one is a hurdle, and I have to brace myself for anything that the doctors say to me. So I was warned that a resident would come in first.. for the teaching program... and this guy was a total douche... (excuse me Father)... he had no bedside manner. He examined me. He flat out told me that this surgery is not a cure and would not extend my life. I mean what do you say to someone that says that to you. So I heard whatever else he had to say, I wanted him to leave and I wanted to see the real doctor. While we were waiting I happened to see my oncologist walking by. I guess she was going home for the day. When she walking by she saw me in the waiting room and came back and asked me what I was doing there. I told her I was there to see the breast surgeon. She said... "oh ok"... I told her that I saw the first doctor and he did not give me good news. He said everything opposite from what I was told before. She asked me who it was, and I told her. She said, "Oh well wait for the real doctor to come in before you take a position on it." I told her I would and she left after I introduced her to Chris. So we waited forever. Now when I get a new doctor the wait time is FOREVER because my file is so big. They have alot to catch up on. She examined me. She told me that if I choose to do the surgery that she would remove the left breast and the left armpit. It will not be a double mastectomy, only the left side. Then she hit me with it. She told me that they usually don't reconstruct someone at my stage. My case is so rare that I may still have a chance, but she warned me that they do not reconstruct Stage 4 patients. I guess they think its a waste of time and money. It does not send me a good message. I do not pay attention to it. Its a roadblock yes, but if that is the case I will not have my surgery here, I will go somewhere where they will reconstruct me. This is probably the most scared I have been on a surgery. My nerves are all over the place. Its the one reason it took me so long to write this blog. I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon next week. Somehow all my treatment appointments have been taken over by all these other appointments...i.e. radiation, bone scan, plastic surgeon, and the breast surgeon. Not to mention my normal oncology appointments with my doctor. I was told that it was because they wanted to wait until I do the bone scan to see what effect the treatments are doing. The bone scan is 3 hours long. I will do it though. I haven't had to do scans since I had like a hundred scans at the beginning of this. I will be there to do them all. I am brought back down to reality. Its not that I get my hopes up or down, I am in the middle always. I can not let myself be all over the place. If I do then I set myself up for disappointment. I just let whatever happen that is supposed to happen and I go with the flo as best I can. I believe that is what will get me through all of this. I have been in good spirits lately. Everything is still going on around me but I stick with a positive mood, living in God's favor, bringing the love straight to me from all the people around me. My kids, my husband. Christopher is the best. Chris has been so great I cant even tell you. Every girl should have a guy like him. He would do anything for me, I am lucky to have him. I sit here and wait for the next appointment on the 17th with the plastic surgeon to find out if I am able to be reconstructed. The breast surgeon showed me where she would cut if I get reconstruction. Reconstruction does not just happen the day of the surgery. Its a series of surgeries, and visits to maintain the expander. I have been researching other blogs and women that have already been through it. Just to get an idea...Well that is all I have for now. I know its tedious but it must be done. I leave you in the Grace and Favor of the Lord. Renee B.

Surgery Update

So they snuck the breast surgeon appointment in on me, or changed it at the last minute I should say so instead of a treatment I talked with the breast surgeon and got first the resident's thoughts and then the doctors thoughts on the whole situation. I am still trying to wrap my head around what was said. I am being referred to the plastic surgeon now. I dont know if that is good or bad. Still my decision whether I go through with this thing or not. Its a pretty big decision. I have wanted to have these conversations, I also wanted some prep time to hear what they say. These visits never get any easier. Its always something major everytime. I once want to go to a normal update where nothing is said or there is no news to be given, no decision to be made. That wouldnt be life I guess. I will be able to put it in words soon enough, not yet. It took me a bit to call my mom, she was unable to go to this appointment with me, Chris went. He is all for the surgery, cut off the head the rest dies he says. I am taking so much of this into account. I hope to hear the right things from the plastic surgeon, I know better than to have my hopes up for any reason. Go in ready for anything. Its not that I have my hopes down, but I wont purposely piss myself off if I can avoid it..lol. That is common sense. So maybe next post I can formulate into words my last visit. Its a doozy.....

Treatment

I go for my treatment this week. It usually gives me energy. Its not degenerative. The accessing of my port is the only painful part. They have the cream to numb the area. I have some somewhere. My view is I can handle it. Lets get it done. So talk to you later. Cheers.

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-5-09

Look Beyond


TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"…Lift up now your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward;"
(Genesis 13:14, AMP)



TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
God has a place of victory in store for you today! You may be facing challenges. You may look around you and see impossible circumstances. In the natural, it may look like things won’t ever change, but God is saying today, “Quit looking at your circumstances and look up! Lift up your eyes of faith and look beyond where you are because there is victory as far as the eye can see!

Your enemies may have some power today, but remember, our God is All Powerful! There’s no foe that can stand against Him. Those things you are facing are temporary, but God Almighty is eternal. He’s the God who flung the stars into space. He’s the God who spoke the world into existence. When He said, “Let there be light,” light came at 186,000 miles per second. That’s power and that’s the God we serve.

I encourage you to stand strong today. Keep believing because He is working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you lift your eyes to Him, as you focus on His goodness, He will guide you and direct you in the path of victory in every area of your life!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, today I choose to lift up my eyes of faith toward You. Thank You for surrounding me with Your goodness and mercy. Thank You for believing in me and for preparing a good future for me. Fill my heart with Your peace and confidence as I continue to trust You in every area of my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Appointment Today

I waited since my last appointment for the letter to come to confirm the appointment time like the nurse told me to do. At the end of my last appointment the nurse gave me a paper that showed my next 5 or 6 appointments (all tentative). She (the nurse) told me the the confirmation will come in a letter and or a phone call. I waited all day until yesterday evening and I had no confirmation of the time. My mom called last night asking for the time of the appointment so she could go. I told her I hadn't gotten the confirmations so I would call the minute they start answering the phones at 8am. Then I can find out the time and then call her and let her know when to be there because she wanted to go with me. This is a big time appointment where a big time conversation will be taking place. I want her there. Well I called and they did not have an appointment on the schedule for me today. The lady on the phone looked everywhere in the system, I was no where in there for today. I then called my mom and told her to call and make sure because I want to go to my appointments. She called up there to and confirmed that I was not in the system for today. My next appointment is on the 5th for my chemo and then the 6th for my consultation for my radiation. So a little more waiting for me but I can do it. I always do. Ready. Set. Go.... I am already halfway to the finish line! YEah! RB

Stage 4

I want to talk a little about Stage 4. Its very scary. Before you can get to the healing you have to get over the horror of this phrase and all that is implied when it is said. I used to be held down by the title. If I had a title ever in my life I didn't expect it to be that. I have also seen that the women that come through Stage 2 or 3 or even 4 talk about how after its all said and done that everything they have been through turns out to be a blessing. I was startled at first when I saw that. How can this be a blessing? How? I had to adjust my thinking a bit. After all, these are women who have won their fight. I need to be in that frame of mind. So I start thinking about it. After a few weeks, I am starting to realize what they are talking about. I think that its very profound to even make this statement. Its very bold. Its almost unheard of. I know that if I wasn't forced to slow down I wouldn't have. I would have worked myself into a stuper, and how would that have been any better? I cant say what would have become of my career, and where I would be right now. All I know is that I am doing something greater than I could have ever done sitting in my office behind a desk and a computer. I am living my life to the fullest. I am getting to know the people I love. I am taking the time to be here for my kids, and whatever they want. I am slowing down so that I can get to know my own self, and what I am here to do on this earth. I do believe that we are all in this together. I truly believe that just being nice means so much to someone who is at their lowest. I know its all about your fellow man, not yourself. I am going to heal, and I am going out into this crazy world to help as many people as I can with my story. I am going to save as many women as I can just by telling them to care about themselves for a change. I am going to make a difference in someones life everyday if I can. Those are personal goals. The goals that I used to have were much different. It was all about me and getting the promotion, and paying off the cool car, and finishing paying for my house. Me me me. Its one way to go... Going through life knocking people out of their spot so you can take it. I used to be upset that this life was no longer available to me. Now I look at my former self and I think, wow, I didn't have a clue. The great feelings that come when you help someone is something I cant describe. I have had so many good things happen in my life. And I can tell you that none of that comes close to the good feelings that you can attain by doing the Lord's good work. I am a soldier of the Lord. You know at the beginning of this, because Stage 4 was a part of the first doctor visit, the doctor had to explain to me everything that he thought I needed to know about what was going on. During this conversation he spoke about the definitions of Stage 4. It was at that time he gave me 6 months. He said I would not live past 6 months. Its has been almost 3 years. That goes to show you that terms dont mean anything. Its the fight inside, its the will of your soul, its the determination of the spirit. I used to think that I needed the strength of others to help me along. I would want and almost need to see the people that I had around me. I used it to define myself. I knew who I was, part of that was based on my social life, and my friends and family. I soon found out that I was the only one who felt this way. I have seen the Lord bring people into my life and take people out. I lose a few and gain a hundred. I give everyone so much of a chance, that I dont really determine the good from the bad. I just try to give everyone a chance that I hope to get from people myself. Doesnt always work out that way. So if your like me, you have to take the signs from above. Check check and check. Hey no one said you are supposed to know everything. We learn as we go, thats all we can do. But learn, or you will be doomed to repeat it. I think its comical that grown men and women cant even grasp this concept. Owell, they will learn the hard way. And I will sit back and watch like people sit back and watch me. Difference is I put on a show, and I will have a grand finale, and a standing ovation. Some people I know will be lucky to have 10 people at their funeral. I dont know what to tell those people except... Good luck with that... More later, gotta go live my life...not wasting one second of it. Peace and love,
HuRah!
Renee

Surgery Update

So its 9 days officially till I go talk to the breast surgeoun. I am nervous yet semi excited. I have all the faith that this is victory for me. Only thing from now until then is keeping my mind quiet, not worrying about anything or getting ahead of myself. That seems to be the best thing for me to do right now. I do know that my body is in overdrive fighting right now because I almost have no energy. I dont sleep all the time, but I just have no energy, I get tired really quickly. If my body has to use all my energy to fight right now then so be it. I know its for the better. Fingers crossed. RB

Thank You

I had a posting that referred to my thanks to everyone in my first year of postings. It occurred to me I should write another one since its not shown posted anymore. (As I have said before, there are a year and a half of posting that I printed and have in a binder since 2007) I have to and want to thank all the people that are here for me. No names in particular, if you are sending me good thoughts, I love you, and I thank you. I don't sleep, I don't always have a clear head with all the meds and I do have the best of intentions. I will one day take the time to individually write each person. I love all of you so much. I thank each and every one of you for loving me, for being considerate during this difficult time, for thinking of me despite all that is going on within your own lives. I cant express my thanks enough. God is Good... ALL THE TIME!

Meds

Dam Chris went to get my medicine this morning. 1200 dollars people. Thats this month only. So don't tell me that I am not trying to get better. I have many more pills when I come out of a surgery. My pain dosage is the same as the day I got out of the hospital. They said when it starts making me tired then I will know that its too much. Now what I don't get is that my tolerance is my tolerance no matter what. How does your tolerance get less when you are taking the same thing. My tolerance has done nothing but increase. That's why I was in intensive care for so long. I have had to do some extra praying when it comes to this coming surgery. I am more nervous. They are going to working by my heart, and the stay last time was nothing less than traumatizing the first day. I have never been in so much pain, I have never cried so hard. I had to be asked to put back to sleep. Like who does that. After 8 hours of me yelling at them, they were more than happy to oblige me..lol.. My goal is to get down to only one pill. The hormone therapy pill. The one that helps me not feed the cells that are attacking me. Goal in sight, goal in mind, now I just have to wait to be done with this next surgery, and 6 weeks of radiation and my monthly chemo treatments, and in November when I get scanned again I am actually looking forward to that scan. I am interested to see what is left kind of thing. Here's hoping!

HOPE

Have
Optimism
Plus
Excellence

Facing Death

I miss being able
To get up and go
Now its all pills
And needles that flow.

Chemo, radiation, and doctor visits
That's my life now
I push forward no matter what
I don't know how

The power of faith
Is shining through
I believe in Lord Jesus
There is nothing he cant do

Believe and I will be healed my child
Is what he says and does
I believe in my saviour
No reason, just because

I can choose in this life
To do wrong or right
I can choose to die
Or get up and fight

You better believe
I will do my best
I know my calling
Its all a test

I face death in the eyes
Every single day
But Im not going out like that
It will be my way!

A poem by Renee B.
7/18/09

All I Want

All I want
Is to be there
When my girl goes to school
and my boy is flying an F22
Is that so much to ask?
Just like everyone else
I can not miss
What goes on in my family
I am being attacked within
An enemy I can not see
That lives inside me
Why did this happen?
Havent I been through enough?
Appearantly not
I have the capacity to learn more
which means...
I am highly regarded
in the spirit world
I get to learn the most
haha!

Dear Cancer,

Dear Cancer,
You piece of shit, why do you show up when things are perfect? I have no time to deal with your bull...To deal with you always trying to knock me down...Keep me down...Make me weak. Don't you know since I was born there has not been a day where I have been weak you stupid, ugly, nasty, joke of a disease? I demand you leave my body immediately. Its not ok for you to take away my time from my husband and children. Its not ok that you took away my ability to have any more children. Its not ok that I have to have surgery after surgery just to contain all the crap you started. Well let me tell you one thing. I am about to kick your ass. So be ready. Be ready.
Renee B.

Jesus

Accept him into your life today
And you will get the best feeling
When you think of him and pray

Hey, whatever helps you get through the week
Helps you keep your composure
Instead of getting mad and freaked

Calm down and all you have to say
Is I accept you Lord Jesus
Into my heart today

A poem by Renee B.
7/18/09

FIGHT

Fix
Insides
Great
Head to
Toe

Strengths

I post alot about my struggles and tribulations, but it occurred to me that I have never written directly about my strengths. My willpower, dedication, resolve, hope, faith, openness, and my overall strength when it comes to getting myself better. Its not a choice. Its an easy decision for me to fight and be here when I am needed. I do not back down. I will not back down. The Lord already knew I was very strong or he wouldnt give me this to deal with now. I didnt believe it was possible to be stronger but boy am I. I mastered the part of life that deals with providing and being there for my kids. I am now being taught the human condition. Compassion. Love. I have always been kind and concerned for others. Now its being taken to a whole new level. I know that I just need to show kindness and empathy for others not only myself. Its a sad, lonely world when all you have is yourself. I have so many people who care for me. Lose a couple from my life and gain a thousand more. I know that I am cared for, I know that I am loved. The people who are truly here for me, not what I can get them, are still here and they still show me they are here for me. They dont even have to do one thing but say hi. Its not so hard to just say hi to someone, let them know, hey Im here if you need me. People try to take on too much, they try to handle everything themselves. I am the queen of that. But its ok, I carry the load. I know what I am doing. When I thrown a curveball, I just have to adjust. Accept. Know. And move on. I have faith in the Lord. Just say the word and I shall be healed. My love of Jesus, my faith in the angels that surround me has never been stronger. I love my church, I love Father Michael. I love the support I get from my fellow church members. Hugs, love, prayers, good will.. thats what really counts. People think its all about money. What you think you did for me at this time or that...and you should be recognized on a silver platter. If thats how you feel then why did you even do anything for me to begin with. The smartest man on the planet, my pa, Ascension Bravo used to say the best phrase I have ever heard... He would say "I do not do favors, I do it out of the kindness of my heart, I expect nothing in return" I live my life by that saying. I miss that man. I loved that man. I took care of him the last years of his life Chris and I cared for him, made sure he was fed, made sure he had what he needed the last years of his life. So before I had to endure my trials, I cared for my father when he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and he knew the end was coming. Stroke after Stroke he was finally taken from us in 2000. No help from anyone. His daughters werent even talking to him when they knew he was dying. I was the only one there. They are lucky the last couple of months that I called them and asked them to come back because I needed help, or they would not have the last memories they do with him. I only say it because its the truth. I needed help and I thought it was pretty shitty and I did something about it. Now they can say they say they had time with him before he passed. I wish he was still here. I miss him terribly. And one life out, my pa, and one life in, Kristen. She was born 3 months after he passed, and she misses him and didnt even meet him. She always saw him when she was a baby. More than once she would call out for grampa when no one was there. We have had some experiences with him visiting. I hear I am not the only one. He visited Chris's sister too in spirit form. Hey, there is a place after this, a heaven if you will. I am not scared no matter what happens. I have made peace with my life, with my God, with my husband, my kids, my sisters, my friends, and my family. Of course there is always those few who still are stuck up and think they need drama or a fued. They dont realize they are just fueding with themselves. Its something everyone has to learn, and I guess I am just more advanced than the grown ups around me. Its something I have to live with...darn..lol... My white light has never shined brighter, my lifeforce has never been stonger, the love I receive has never been better. I am blessed.

UNC

Happy Bday to my Unc Crae. I look forward to the next game of darts. You know I beat Judy with your darts last time...lol... Love you guys.

Prayer

Dear Lord,
Please keep me strong in mind and body so that I may mentally attack this surgery as well as come out of it physically. Please see over my children and Chris and keep them strong as they are my life and I do not wish them to worry any more. I know this is what I am supposed to do. Cut it off at the head and the rest dies. Chris has said that from the beginning to the very first doctor. Thank you Lord for sending me the right doctors and surgeons to take care of me who are finally on the same page as we are. Please ease up on the intensive care area of the surgery. I do not wish to cuss any nurse out on this stay. I hope to have the best day and the best recovery possible. Please tell Chris that he can keep wishing for double d's cause he dont have to walk around with 'em..lol... Thank you! I ask this in Jesus name..Amen

Great 4th weekend

I have to add that we had a great 4th holiday with Unc and Judy, Reather, and Mike. My mom and sisters went to. Then we went to fireworks. We went swimming and cooked out.. It was a blast. Thanks guys!

Doctor Appointment Today

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. Its been 3 months since I have talked with her. I really like this lady. Anyway, I had a panic attack in the morning before my appt. I did not want to go. I did not feel well. I wanted to reschedule. So what is the next thing I hear. Bang Bang Bang on my door, my mom is like, you have to get up, we have to go now. In the long run, I am glad she did. Seems to me, that somehow I can sense and know when I am about to get some major news, and fight going. Its alot to take.
So here is the latest.....
I have been recommended to consult the surgeon about having a double mastectomy, and reconstruction. She says she thinks its a good idea for me to hear what the surgeon thinks. Then I will also talk to the radiology oncologist because she also thinks I may need radiation on my leg now that the support rod has been put in, I can focus on killing the cells that are eating my bone. I am for it. I am for talking to both these people... Its just alot to hear, to take in as you can imagine.
Good thing is the tumor marker count that they do when they take my blood had been going up and its now going down. My blood is tested and there is a number assigned. The number has been going up. Well today it was down, by 100 points. Last time it was 331, this time it was 221. She expects that the next count will be down to 100 which she says means that my cancer is in check and being maintained properly. Good news. The normal marker count for any person 38. So lets go 38! So its all scheduled, and when I see her again in November, she expects that all the surgery, and radiology will be complete. I will continue to get my zomeda treatments every 4 weeks. Then at the end of November, she will send me for new scans. So, so far that is what I know of my next 6 months. Its going to be pretty major. But hey, I did say reconstruction. Thats a good thing. I have been waiting to do this, even tho its a major thing. Chris also thinks if we cut out the brain the rest will die off. He has always said that, and none of the other doctors listened to us when we said we wanted to do this months ago. Everything happens when its supposed to I guess.
My leg has been ok for the most part. Everything healed up on the outside of my leg. I still feel pain in the part of the bone that has the lesion. I also feel the anchoring of the rod in my hip and my knee. They said it would take a while for the rod to fuse with my bone. Maybe thats what I feel. Everyone around me says its only been a month since my surgery. I am doing excellent considering that. I am just left with the remaining pain. I dont feel the stress on the bone that I used to before I had to rod to support me. I feel the pressure off of the bone when it comes to that.
I would say all in all, I am making forward progress. We were at the doc office all freakin day. We opened and closed that place. It took alll day, I was dying. Torture. I am glad I went and got it overwith. I have to go back in the morning to talk with pain management. I did tell my doctor how the did me in ICU. I was pissed that they didnt read my pain med chart and see that they werent giving me the right stuff. I didnt go through all that without being heard trust me. I dam near cussed every nurse in there out. They even asked me if I remember yelling at them. I was like Hell Yes I remember, and I will do it again. Do your dam job. Right. Why does it take the pain management 25 minutes to come when they page her? Lady, you know I am crying my ass off, and you take your sweet time. Oh believe me, she heard about it too...lol....But hey, all that is behind me. Time to march forward. Now I just need to keep this attitude the whole time is the trick. I will approach it like everything else.... Lets do this!
ReneeB.

Realizations

I wrote to the prayer response team at Joel Osteen ministries a while ago. I mean at the very beginning of all of this. He has been a big part of our lives, even before we found Father Michael. Even now that we have found Father M, we still catch Joel's sermons on TV. He has such a pleasant voice, and I love his point of view, his concepts... How he suggests we go through life. Its funny though, when I got a response I didnt, or couldnt read it all the way through right away. When I start reading it my mind wonders and I cant always get past the..Oh MY God am I really accepting advice about this, it means I have accepted everything that is happening... I dont want to do that!! I have mindf'ed myself into thinking that any acknowledgement of the "c" (Cold) I call it, I will give it more power. I wont do that. A lot of the time, I can not get through the responses. So I save it, share it with all of you, but I dont read it until I am blah about it, and I wont get emotional about it all. I have been very good in that I dont let myself get to emotional anymore. Or all the time I should say. So I finally read it all the way through. Do you know that it speaks to the fact that I have already been promised to be healed through Jesus? I have to sort of jump start the whole thing by my actions, by earning it I guess you could say. So what does the prayer say...?...., that I will earn my healing by the words that come out of my mouth. That is how I will basically earn my healing. Its so funny that when I finally read the prayers that were made for me all the way through, it validates everything that I have been trying to do by myself, without the guidance of anyone. Things like this blog. The pastor who made the prayer for me knew nothing about my blog. The words in the prayer validated me without knowing it by saying that I need to speak goodness to my fellow man, and I will earn the right to be healed. Some of you may say, I should not look at it like that. Why should I have to earn my healing? I deserve to be healed no matter what, just like anyone who is dealing with medical issues. Personally, I dont take it the wrong way. I think its ok if I work on my fellow man for a little while. What will it hurt to share some of my stories or happenings in my life? So what if someone learns from my mistakes, that is the point right? Who else would I want to learn from my mistakes than the people I love and care about who read my blog? I say mistakes like I regret things... and dont get me wrong. I dont regret one minute. I would love for everyone to learn whatever they can. I have learned that there are just some things that you can not teach someone who wont listen or insists on learning the hard way.. by themselves..an event in their life. I have talked till I am blue in the face about some things, and it doesnt help. The person has to experience it for themselves to learn the lesson. Then they come back to you and tell you the exact thing you have been telling them the whole time. What you tried to prevent, the hurt. They finally get it, after they go through it. Makes you want to pull your hair out and theirs, but hey, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is try, its up to the individual if they take the advice. You are just the messenger... if you choose to be. Other than that all you can do is try to do the right thing, try to pay it forward. Sometimes it is just as simple as smiling at someone else. I believe its contagious, and one smile will spark thousands.. thats the plan anyway! Good Spirits! Rae

Grounded?

I am looking for a new way of grounding myself. The whole, I have to slow down thing. I have been restless since my surgery, its tough to recover and have to sit around when things need to be done. I am ordered to rest and stay off of my leg, and all this, and I just cant get it through my thick skull. Its my refusal to accept anything less. I know now that the disappointments that I have felt or been through are only there because something better is coming. It also goes back to control. If I try to control everything then when will I have a chance to sit back and let good things happen to me. I do the control thing because we have a choice. And I make a choice. Making a choice and being controlling are one and the same thing when it comes down to it. I am being forced to sit back, relax, and heal. Done, Done and Done!

TOOO Much

One thing I have learned is that my former life was all about other people. I learned that my whole life was taking care of other people. I never took care of myself. I made sure my responsibilities were taken care of. I worked. I never worked at a job that I wasnt a master at. I am a sought after in my field. In several fields actually...lol.. I built a name for myself and capitalized off of it. Its what I taught myself to do since my first job. Also, being an assistant, executive and personal, its what I was paid for as well. I took care of others not only in my personal life but its what I was paid to do at times. I started to not take care of myself I guess. Not on purpose, but I just always found something that I thought was more important than what I needed. Its not cool. I am an important part of my family and their everyday. I am depended upon. If I dont take care of myself then the whole thing crumbles which is something that most working mothers and wife's don't think about. Its very important to realize this before something major happens. Even if its a cold, you need to slow down and take care of yourself. ITS A MUST!