I want to say that I saw her for the 2nd time today on Oprah. That show originally aired last October during breast cancer awareness month. I could bear it a little more this time. The first time it was on, it was one of the hardest things to sit through. Its finally someone who knows what you are going through. I wasnt so lucky in finding my cancer early, that is why I fight for early detection. For women to get checked early. She is fighting to bring the same message out there and I feel like she is a fellow soldier. A fighter. And a survivor. I am working to get there. I thought I would clarify why I havent had a double mastectomy yet.
When I first started all this I was ready to march in there and do what I had to do. In my case the doctors basically told me that they do a mastectomy to prevent spreading. My cancer had already spread. It was so depressing to know that the doctors basically told me there is no point to do the surgery that they usually use to save women from this. That was a rock bottom day.
Personally, I know I will have to have to surgery eventually. By my own choice. I plan on having reconstruction as well if I ever get the go to do the surgery. It would be elective, or until I can find a surgeon who feels differently. Chris feels that if you cut of the brain the rest will die. He wants me to have to surgery. He says whatever will keep me here with him longer is what we will do. Maybe its a good thing that I have the time to prepare. I have had to have one surgery after another though, so maybe that is the preparation. I dont know. I search for comfort, for answers, for reasons to move forward or not.
I saw such bravery, such heartache in her. I dont see the bravery in myself, I sometimes think I am not strong enough. Just when Susan Komen's sister was on and talking about her sister, and she had to turn to Christina and say, remember that is not you. We identify so much with someone with a similar story, that if that person loses their battle its devastating to the mental aspect of things. The sadness in her eyes was the sadness I recognize. Its denial. Its disbelief.
I am just starting to realize the blessing part of it. She said she was told by Melissa Etheridge that it was a blessing and be thankful. That everyday is a different day, and you can change everything now. Its coming clear that if you dont use this as a blessing that it will eat you alive. I can choose to spiral into the depths of hell, or climb the mountain to the light. I choose light.
I am with you Christina. Every step of the way!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Went to pain management. Met the nurse and doctor there. I really liked her. She is taking over my pain medication. The nutritionist had to leave in the morning before we got to see her but we will see her as soon as we can. I am happy to report this is the first of any of my doctors who has told me that nothing is irreversible. Can you believe it? I have never heard those words from any of my doctors. It was encouragement I know. But still. It means alot to hear at least a little hope coming from the people that are taking care of you. I go tomorrow to the ortho doc again. They will xray my leg. See the progression. Supposedly let me know if I will need surgery. Well see about that. My guess, they will say lets check it again in a month. Honestly, I have been using my cane as much as I can. Sometimes I just start walking out of habit without my cane. On my own, I dont walk to much, I call it saving my steps. If I sit or lay all day, then I can walk to get Kristen, or go to the store. I am not going to just lay back and loose my progress I have made. I believe my leg is better. Not progressive. We will see. I have been swimming a couple of times. Have a slight tan already...lol.. fun in the sun as they say. Kids out of school in a week. Cant wait. I hold on to the positive and I do feel positive. Good thing for sure.
at 11:38 PM