Thursday, July 22, 2010

Update on left leg

Things with my leg have been much different than with my right leg. The reason being that my left leg included my hip that had issues too. My right leg did not have that. So I am healing a leg that has issues in the hip and its much more painful and is taking longer to heal. No matter what I always keep a positive attitude and I say that I am doing well. The Lord let me wake up another day and I can not complain about it. Most people I know already have made their peace with losing me. When I hear that I just shake my head because I am not going anywhere. It seems like people give up on you before you give up on you. What does that tell me? Like I said, I know who loves me, I know who is my friend, and I need and want prayers from all of those who are willing to send me positive vibes and prayers that will help me heal and help me get up and be on my feet for longer than 5 minutes at a time. I was unable to even stand at all so being able to stay on my feel for longer than 5 minutes is a great thing for me. Its an accomplishment all the same. I am a cheer leading team of 1 and I root for myself with all the greatness of the world on my shoulders. I have love that overpowers the haters. I have way more friends, and peaceful people who send me love and I know it cancels out all the haters who dont care about me one bit. I never said I needed everyone to support me. If someone feels that way I didnt need them anyway, plain and simple. I have cut all drama from my life. Love is all I need!
Renee B.
Lover not a Fighter!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Nerve Pinch

One of the things they did to me while I was in the hospital was a nerve block. They tried to do a spinal block which caused them to push on my spine to make sure which bone was which. It was all good until they got to my lower spine and they pushed so hard on the part where my tumors are that I went into my surgery crying. They were not able to do it through my spine after all that, they ended up doing a groin nerve pinch which just meant that it was on my upper thigh on the inside. They ended up being successful with that, but it ended up meaning that I did not regain full control of my leg until about 2 days. I couldnt feel anything, I guess that was a good thing. So since I went into my surgery crying, I woke up crying as well. It was a tough experience to go through, and I am just not able to speak about it. I could not believe how hard they pressed on my back, it made my leg tingle which was weird. So that is one part I can share with you right now. I try not to remember the difficult times, but if I dont share them everyone thinks that what I go through isnt hard or difficult just because I dont complain. I take everything in stride and I deal with it if I have to. I dont think anyone appreciates the simplicity of that but I do. I have faith and I will never complain about what I am dealing with. Its life, I deal with it day by day just like everyone else.


I have been through a lot this year. Many people have shown their true colors in my life when I dont do anything to anyone but try to live another day. For some reason family is a subject in my life I never thought I would have a problem with. Maybe by me not thinking I had anything to worry about something went wrong. All I know is if I told you that I had family members texting me ugly messages while I was in the hospital for 5 days would you bellieve it. I did. Close family members too. It was not ok and I do not appreciate how judgemental everyone seems to be all the sudden. I have always said that I am here for anyone, anytime but since my diagnosis, no one really talks to me about their problems or issues. I guess they dont want to add anything to what I am already going through. I keep in contact with my real friends and people that know and love me or me and I am fine with that. I dont judge anyone, and I dont spread gossip although that is what every hater tries to do to me. For some reason I have a problem in my life when it comes to some people. I have always said that if you dont want me in your life that its fine with me, I have really seen that jumping to conclusions and being judgemental about someone is definately the wrong thing to do. Maybe remembering that everyone is going through something and maybe smiling at others instead of being scared to talk to people maybe would make this world a little better place.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


It has been so hott that I really havent been anywhere or attempted to go do any walking. I talked about talking my girl to Six Flags or something fun before summer runs out but I feel like its been way to hot. Chris and I have other things in mind, air conditioned things like the Planeterium, or the Imax should be fun to do. Chris has worried about me walking around too much which is something I dont think about when planning fun. I dont think about limitations when having fun, who does? Well I will let you know what happens..

Monday, July 12, 2010

Doing Better

My leg is doing better. I know that from before when I could only take a couple of steps at a time. I decided to use crutches this time after my surgery instead of a walker. This time it was different even though they did the same surgery, they went about it differently than they did with my other leg. They cut in a different place, they used a nerve pinch this time on my leg and they didn't do that last time. The thing that is left to hurt now is the hardware that they installed in my leg which is actually bolted to my knee and my hip. It is fusing as we speak. It hurts. I also have jerking that happens sometimes and if I am sitting wrong it jerks sideways kinda and it hurts too. I don't know how else to go about getting better except to do it slowly and carefully. I haven't been getting up much but when I do I try slowly to put full weight on my leg. Slowly but surely. The right leg I was able to put full weight on my leg in a couple days. This time its taking a couple weeks. The break was in a different place and everything so I know its not going to be the same. I am going in for my radiation planning meeting very soon. I am told I am going to have about 10 treatments. Same as I had on my right leg. I know what to expect this time. I am keeping the faith that the pain will cease to exist when all that is over with. I had my eyes on finishing the surgery so much that I forgot completely about radiation. Guess I know that I need to get it over with and I will be happy to that is for sure!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Home From Hospital

Hello to all! I am officially home from the hospital and able to sit up just enough to write something down for you real quick. I ended up having a rod installed in my left leg just like my right one. They went about it in different ways which was sorta strange to me. I did my best in there and its such a long story that I am sure I will have to get to it in parts. I did end up going in through emergency after I went to my regular appointment. They didn't want me to leave because they feared I may injure my leg even further before they could fix it. I ended up staying for days and days.
So much happened over the weekend. I have had a real wake up call in a lot of ways and I'm not sure how it happened or why. I'm not going to take too many things at a time which I feel some around me are trying to force me to do.
The thing is I know how hard it is to take care of me. I take care of me every day. I am a fighter and I have enough left in me to know what I want and what I don't want, and how I am going to be treated and how I am not going to be treated. I just think life is way to short for bull and I definitely know that I don't have any time to waste with drama. I am starting to realize everyday more about myself and the people around me. Remember guys, it doesn't only take family around you as a care and support system. My husband has been the biggest rock there is, but outside of home I am really going to start trying to be support for others as I look for support as well. I am going to have fresh conversation about things from fresh eyes even if it is a message board or posting on someones page. I have been invited to be a part of several medical pages and I am going to start being a part of that. I know it will help others and that is my main goal, with a second goal of conversing with someone who TRULY knows what I am going through because they are going through it too. Well I'm tired and I'm going to rest. I have a treatment in the morning and oyeah, I will be having a consult for radiation early next week. So all in all if I can get the pain under control with all those other things in mind I think its a good start.
Peace and Love,