Ortho Appointment Today

So today was the ortho appointment. My two sisters and my mom picked me up and we go one hour early because the last time we were there we waited for so long it was ridiculous. So this time guess what, we got there an hour early and waited even longer. Thirty minutes till the xrays. Two and a half hours in the waiting room. Three hours in the examining room waiting for the doctor. I mean we looked through every cabinet, my sister played with every gadget, went up and down on the bed, and finally jumped on the internet on the computer in the room. And we were late picking up K. my daughter from school. So we looked for beach houses for when we go to Padre. Luckily it all paid off because he is a Dr. McDreamy. Jess named him..lol. My mom said.. well my knee hurts too...lol.. Neways....
So from the xrays, the lesion has progressed and the doctor told me it was up to me if I wanted to have surgery. He showed me the xrays of then and now on the computer in the room. If you wanna picture it, basically it is like someone took a bite out of my bone. That is what I lesion is. It technically isnt a fracture because there is no crack, but the stress that it causes on the rest of my bones cant be good. That is why I have pain, at least one of the reasons. It is now over half my right femur bone. That was why the computer was in there to begin with. To show us our xrays or records. They have one in every room. I was advised from my pain management doctor on the visit last week that if the doctor recommends the surgery that I should do it. I asked the doctor if after the surgery, would I need a cane to walk.?? He said no. I said thats what I want. Lets do it. I agree. Before it breaks and I will have to do this anyway. SO I am getting a rod inserted in my leg as the support for my right femur bone. They make an incision on my hip, and on my knee and basically push the rod down in and anchor it to my hip and my knee basically. I asked for the earliest day they had. I want to do this. My mom suggested to wait till after my sister has her baby in a couple weeks. Heck no. I cant think about this for two weeks, wobbling around in pain. I hope it will ease at least some of the pain. My surgery date is June 1st. And it sucks because I realized after we got home that it is the same day as my daughters award ceremony for her perfect attendance trophy she is going to get. I am so proud of her. This is one of those things that I am going to have to miss. I feel like I let her down. Jess and Lis will go and take picts for me when I wake up. But at least I will be able to have a nice summer hopefully being able to go places like the zoo and Six Flags where I can walk around. We are going to Kroger night at Hawaiian Falls on Friday. They rented it out. So I will be in the wave pool and lazy river all day relaxing and preparing for Monday. Send me angels and prayers. I stay overnight in the hospital then I can come home. Maybe a couple 2-3 days taking it easy. Then I should be good to walk. At least without my cane. The rod will support my bone and hopefully be a step in the right direction. Fingers crossed!

Randy Pausch

I have to say when I think of hero I think of this man. His last lecture. A friend sent me a copy of the cd of The Last Lecture and it was difficult to watch. I had to in stages. But it was good for me. Dare I say that I am trying to leave a small bit of the affect he had on the world. It is tough for me to speak of him. I didnt even know him. I only know of his brave face he kept while staring death straight in the face. When he lost his battle, I really took it personally. I know he had a different cancer, and different circumstances but the message is the same. That is where I sit from looking in. Maybe I will be able to touch on this subject more later. I just had to make some sort of tribute to this brave man.... and his message.

Hecka Great Time on Sunday

I have to say hats of to my Uncle Crae formerly given the title of Unc is the crawfish master. He has having a crawfish boil down to a science and I have to thank our wonderful hosts Mike and Reather. Its always fun hanging out. Swimming. Gardening. I love you guys garden. Fun in the sun and serving it up by the pound. Those 60 pounds came and went... I cant believe there was still some when we left. I for the first time was completely full on crawfish. And as Chris says, the Craetoofay (have no clue how to spell that), was delicious as well. Beer chicken. Roasted corn. Crawfish. Beer. Fun. It was a day to remember. That man can cook Judy, he is a keeper. But you already know that..lol. Love you guys!

My friend Alice

I want to dedicate this posting to a friend that I used to have. She is technically family too but I called her my friend. I realize during all that I have been through that I wasnt there for her at the time in her life she needed me. She had major tragedy in her family and when she pulled away from me I should have been more understanding. All I saw was the hurt from her not calling me back, that I didnt think about how much pain she must still be in, what else I could do to be there for her like the best friends we used to be. I miss her. And I dont care who reads this. I am women enough to admit when I am wrong too, and I was wrong. There were other factors that got caught up in all this, but in the long run its all petty. I know when to say when. I know lives have moved on, but we had some great times. Thats what I think about when I think about my friend. Not one stupid fight that made us not talk since. Anyway, own up, dont lose your friends. People that would give anything, and have given alot for you. You would be lucky to find another friend like that.
Peace!

Christina Applegate

I want to say that I saw her for the 2nd time today on Oprah. That show originally aired last October during breast cancer awareness month. I could bear it a little more this time. The first time it was on, it was one of the hardest things to sit through. Its finally someone who knows what you are going through. I wasnt so lucky in finding my cancer early, that is why I fight for early detection. For women to get checked early. She is fighting to bring the same message out there and I feel like she is a fellow soldier. A fighter. And a survivor. I am working to get there. I thought I would clarify why I havent had a double mastectomy yet.
When I first started all this I was ready to march in there and do what I had to do. In my case the doctors basically told me that they do a mastectomy to prevent spreading. My cancer had already spread. It was so depressing to know that the doctors basically told me there is no point to do the surgery that they usually use to save women from this. That was a rock bottom day.
Personally, I know I will have to have to surgery eventually. By my own choice. I plan on having reconstruction as well if I ever get the go to do the surgery. It would be elective, or until I can find a surgeon who feels differently. Chris feels that if you cut of the brain the rest will die. He wants me to have to surgery. He says whatever will keep me here with him longer is what we will do. Maybe its a good thing that I have the time to prepare. I have had to have one surgery after another though, so maybe that is the preparation. I dont know. I search for comfort, for answers, for reasons to move forward or not.
I saw such bravery, such heartache in her. I dont see the bravery in myself, I sometimes think I am not strong enough. Just when Susan Komen's sister was on and talking about her sister, and she had to turn to Christina and say, remember that is not you. We identify so much with someone with a similar story, that if that person loses their battle its devastating to the mental aspect of things. The sadness in her eyes was the sadness I recognize. Its denial. Its disbelief.
I am just starting to realize the blessing part of it. She said she was told by Melissa Etheridge that it was a blessing and be thankful. That everyday is a different day, and you can change everything now. Its coming clear that if you dont use this as a blessing that it will eat you alive. I can choose to spiral into the depths of hell, or climb the mountain to the light. I choose light.
I am with you Christina. Every step of the way!

Pain Management Update

Went to pain management. Met the nurse and doctor there. I really liked her. She is taking over my pain medication. The nutritionist had to leave in the morning before we got to see her but we will see her as soon as we can. I am happy to report this is the first of any of my doctors who has told me that nothing is irreversible. Can you believe it? I have never heard those words from any of my doctors. It was encouragement I know. But still. It means alot to hear at least a little hope coming from the people that are taking care of you. I go tomorrow to the ortho doc again. They will xray my leg. See the progression. Supposedly let me know if I will need surgery. Well see about that. My guess, they will say lets check it again in a month. Honestly, I have been using my cane as much as I can. Sometimes I just start walking out of habit without my cane. On my own, I dont walk to much, I call it saving my steps. If I sit or lay all day, then I can walk to get Kristen, or go to the store. I am not going to just lay back and loose my progress I have made. I believe my leg is better. Not progressive. We will see. I have been swimming a couple of times. Have a slight tan already...lol.. fun in the sun as they say. Kids out of school in a week. Cant wait. I hold on to the positive and I do feel positive. Good thing for sure.

MY First Mountain MOVED

I thought I would share my first accomplishment related to my cancer. Well the first one is the most important to me so far. This was a challenge I made against myself. I chose the people to have with me on that special night. Chris, my mom, Alan, and Carol. My mom was there babysitting for me and we had a bottle of champagne to open for when we got back from the party to celebrate with her (my mom).

Reasoning for picking them to share my special moment:

Alan has always been a great guy, and has done so much for me over the years. I always loved talking with him about anything and everything doing with business, and life in general. I never told him, but if I ever had a dad, he is everything I would have wished for. When I had to choose a day to induce my labor for Kristen, it happened to be March, and it happened to be in the span that included March19th, which is Alan's bday. So I chose Alan's bday. She happened to come before that, but it is written in her chart that she was scheduled to be born on the 19th. He was also there on my original wedding when Chris and I got hitched in Vegas. He drove us to the airport (since they couldnt go) which (to me) was his way of walking me down the aisle..lol.. Its silly to say... I knew him before Carol did. My mother introduced them to each other. My old stepdad, Lisa's dad knew a guy named Dino, who knew Alan and brought him over to our house one time when he visited. After that he came over a few times and visited. They used to work out with Lewis or bike...lol..somethin like that. neways.. After she got to know him well enough, my mom thought he would be perfect for her sister Carol. So she introduced them. They have been together ever since. Carol used to babysit us (my sister and I) for my mom. My mom has 12 brothers and sisters of all ages so while some are off in different cities or working, the ones that are around are the ones you remember the most from your childhood. No fault of their own, they are just off living. I knew Carol to be one of the cool aunts. When your a kid you remember who was cool to you or when someone is mean to you. Hence, they (Alan & Carol)have been around me since I was a kid. Later....Alan hit it off really well with Chris. It was a given that I get along with Carol. We ended up doing everything together. Birthdays, Friday night dinners, Mardi Gras, Journey concerts, , movies, hanging out as each others houses, the State Fair, you name it, we did it. Time flew. I never thought about it but before we know it over 10 years goes by. Heck Christopher was about 2-3 years old, and he is about to be 16 so you do the math.



I dont think anyone (even Chris) realized what a special day that was for me. It was the first time I felt like maybe I would be ok. It was the first mind over matter experience for me. I just wouldnt accept that I may not ever walk again. I would not accept that I would never dance again, as corny as that sounds. I would not accept that I would be confined to a chair or a bed when I have so much to do.



When I was first diagnosed and had radiation on my lower spine and abdomen it made the nerve pain and the pain down my legs unbearable. I could not stand, I could not walk, I could not sit up straight. When I had to take a shower I would just stand there and cry because I wasnt able to stand for any length of time without my leg seizing up. I would take a few steps and then I would seize up. I would try to sit down and it was painful. I had to do this slouching position. I had such a hard time then because it was so sudden. I couldn't drive, I couldn't do anything. All this started in April 07 right from the get go.


The Christmas of 06, Chris's company threw the best, most lavish party there ever was. It was at the Four Seasons, they rented out every ballroom and turned it into a theme in every room type deal. Full food, full service bar, live band and a dance floor to boot. We went in 06, and it was the most fun Chris and I have had in a long time. When all this happened, I couldn't believe that I may not be able to dance at the party coming up this year in 07. So that was it. I told Chris that I would be walking, and dancing by this years Christmas party, no questions asked.


This gave me target date to shoot for and a mini goal to reach for. The months pass by, I finished my 16 radiation treatments. To tell you the extent of my radiation, it made me baron, unable to bear any more children. Hard pill to swallow. Also the level of radiation I would have needed to completely eradicate the cancer on my spine would have paralyzed me. The radiation oncologist gave me the dosage he could. After that, I went to pain management, I did everything I could to try to figure out a way around this pain. I felt that the pain management I had at the time did not have any affect... I talk about that in another posting...anyways


So all the while my sister gets me a walker, and I refused to use it. I asked my grandmother to carve me a cane (she is a woodcarver) and she did. Its a beautiful cane, and still I refused to use it. When I would use it, it would hurt worse. I was overcompensating from what the doc said. I didnt want my body to get used to bending all sorts of wierd ways just to walk..



SO I just pushed on. I walked no matter what, hurt or not. I would commit to walking the few blocks to pick up Kristen at school everyday. Making sure I have sunglasses on, for when the tears came. I never let her see me cry.


Along comes the special day, and we can think of no other to invite than my Uncle Alan, and my aunt Carol who up until recently have been a constant presence in our lives . Many a dinner, many a night, many a bottle of wine has been spent with them. We took pictures together that night, that I let Alan & Carol take home with them. Maybe they will post it sometime....



Anyway



My aunt Mary took me to get a manicure, and pedicure, my uncle (hairdresser, Stanley Korshak) cut my hair for me, and I went to get a dress and shoes for the formal night.












Folks, I did it. I went to that Christmas party and danced the night away. They called us on stage to dance, and I was like come on Carol lets go. She said no she didnt want to go. Sorry I had to leave her standing there, because there was no way I wasnt going to jump on stage and celebrate the fact that I can even dance without breaking down in tears, without having to endure pain in secret so no has a bad time, that I can even dance at all. I was the first one up there then the flood gates opened. A bunch of girls followed. You know how it takes one person to get the party started then every one else that wanted to go but was too shy, gets up and comes out. Well I will be the one to get the party started, you can count on that! I can say later, maybe after a few drinks loosened her up, she finally got up there and danced.



It didn't matter, I made it. I was walking. I was standing. I was dancing. It was the most special day I have had in a long time. A night to remember.

Coast to Coast AM

I wanted to share with you that I got onto the radio not to long ago. If anyone knows me or my grandmother, they know we are fans of the late night talk show Coast to Coast Am. It touches on all kinds of subjects from paranormal, to scientific, government, to other dimensions, to time travel.. the list goes on. You would be fascinated by some of the items discussed on this program. Being as my grandma is a night owl like myself, and the fact that I haven't exactly slept in 2 years... I stay up late and I find myself tuning in. Well on March 27, 2009 there was a lady on the program by the name of Diana Cooper. She explained how she got cancer in her twenties with no history and how it was a life changing experience. She ended up believing in angels and communicating with angels. She was talking and I was listening to what she was saying about being able to call on angels for things as small as help with a parking space. That all we had to do was ask. She also said that we can send angels to other people in need, and also call upon them ourselves at any time. I said ok, if this is true, then I want to get through to the show tonight. I call on the Angels to get me on the radio. So I waited for them to give the number out, and I called. And I called until I got a ring. I got an answer and they put me on hold to talk to George Noory! Anyone who knows this show knows this is a big deal. I waited and I waited, and then I hear, this is Renee in Dallas.... I couldnt believe it. I was on the radio, first time caller, worldwide program, and I got through. So I told them very briefly what the deal was, and asked for everyone listening to send an angel my way tonight. She told me that just by asking I automatically got angels sent to me, not to mention the ones being sent by others. She told me that I was going through this because I needed to slow down. She told me that I had the power to heal myself. I couldnt believe that I got through. There was enough of a delay that I got to hang up, and then hear myself back again. It was so cool. I cant tell you the sense of overwhelming calm and joy that overtook me. I could feel the angels all around me. I could feel the care of the world upon my shoulders. It felt pretty great. I cant even describe the feeling. It must be what heaven feels like. Like love multiplied by thousands. The cool thing is alot of people that dont stay up late can download the show and lots of people listen at all times of the day. So I knew and felt the angels being sent to me not only that night, but still by the people listening later. You can still listen to it if you wanted to. I am dubbing a copy for my grandma. It was my proof of angels all around me. Needless to say, I will ask all of you to send me an angel, send me and angel, right now.... right now... ok did anyone else burst into song there... 80's music at its best... anyway... This Diana Cooper also had some pretty cool things to say about unicorns too... but that for another post.
I thought it was pretty cool, ask and I received. I didnt need proof. I know that there are angels and that I have heavily depended on every bit on my angels, guides, spirits, and guidance, that I can. Lord knows I have needed it.

I call on Jesus, angels, My Saint, Archangel Raphael, to heal me, mind body and soul. I ask that you watch over each and every person who reads this blog as we all seek to do better within ourselves and within the world. I am here to answer your call. Amen. Dont be afraid to call on your angels, your hope. It makes everything a little bit brighter, a little bit more bearable.
According to Lakewood Church, and Pastor Joel Osteen all you need to do is say, Jesus, I bring you into my heart. I make you my Lord and Saviour... to start a new. I have said it and said it. I mean it too. And hey people shunned Jesus too, so I am in good company right? Love to the masses!

Remember

Its important for me to say that I care very much about my family and what they are going through as well. I dont point the finger all the time and say me, me, me. Lately I have just been able to express feelings that I have not been able to express ever. Pent up emotions that I can not let myself get caught up in or I will not heal. I can not allow myself to feel anything but happy times. What I love to do is be there for family. I cook for my family, I send food, plates, a care package as Chris likes to call it. I make sure my people are fed. I will take off my own plate for you in a minute. I serve the men. I believe when a man works hard its not a big deal to get them their plate and let them relax. Get them a beer. No big deal. I dont know anything else. Although I havent exactly been involved in anyones life lately. It seems like no one wants to burden me with anything or have me burden them. Not judging, just observing. I know people have alot going on. I know people have their own lives, own problems, their own issues they have to deal with. I think all it did was alienate me from everyone because I felt abandoned. Dont get me wrong, so many people have been there for me as well. My grandmother is a walking angel on this earth. She sees past alot of bull. Her and I have had some great conversations. And trust me, she knows the real deal. Many of my distant family has come to aid. My fathers family are there sending me prayers. I dont know anymore. I have become so discouraged and then on the other hand renewed. I dont know how else to make sense of it but to say that I only try to not make anyone feel as I have felt when I am hurt. Do unto others as best as I can. I dont judge anyone. I only make observations of my life, of what has happened from my point of view. If no one shares their point of view, well mine is all I have isnt it. I feel I have tried so hard. I have treated people kindly always. I am very direct, blunt, but I dont say anything to hurt feelings. I like to put it all out there, hold nothing on my heart. When I feel I am wronged, I see nothing else. I have only tried to be the best I can to everyone. And I will continue to be the best I can be strangers, friends, family. I can only be me. Thats all I can be.

Permission

I do not give permission to copy, print, or reproduce my blog in any way. These are all my own thoughts, words, blood, sweat, and tears. I give permission to forward the link to as many as you can, and soon my video blogs will be available to forward as well. Yay a new subject. I am currently learning editing, video and production.

www.kickingcancersass.blogspot.com

Anyway, off point, this material is copywritten, so dont copy me... in the word of Missy Elliot...lol.. lator, gator!

Grieving

I go through a lot of books. I try to gain knowledge and also try to find new ways to think about things. New ideas, new approaches. I read a lot of books about grieving after my 4 month old niece passed away from SIDS in 2001. Trying to look for some kind of answers. Trying to learn what I could to try to help my sister. Try to help us all through this. Its been a while since I pulled out and looked at any material of this subject. What I realized when I was having a really hard time, when I was severely depressed, when I would just cry and cry that a lot of it was over the things that I would miss if I did not win my battle. So many things from being able to see my kids graduate, watching my business's grow and become successful, selling my first flip, retiring on our ranch/nature reserve/dog rescue. I mean the list goes on and on. When I say I plan and make goals I mean it. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Life is what happens when your busy making plans right. Well all the plans were made. I realized that everyday I was letting go of another possibility, dreading the thoughts of something that I had always planned to be at, to do and now I may not get to. I realized that I was grieving. So here I go to pull out my reading material on grieving and sure enough. It also made me think that none of us are offered a sure thing anyway. Mind you, this is months and months of thinking, misery, crying, and realizing all wrapped into a paragraph so forgive if it sounds light. This is a major breakthrough for me. I also realized finally that I can still have goals, just because I may take a different route to get there doesnt make it any less of a goal, any less of a journey. I used to think I knew so much, that I had at least a little of it figured out. Turns out, I am learning still. That is good for me though, it means I am choosing to grow as a person, to look at my own faults which is more than I can say for some people. To each his own right. Like I said, if you dont learn it when it presents itself for you to learn, then life will find a different way to teach you. Simple as that.

Major Realization-Education

So I have been toying with schools, doing very in depth research, looking into scholarships so that I could sit here and have a masters degree by the time I am done healing. I am good at so many things. There are so many directions I could go with picking a major. I finally settled on Accounting and Business with accreditation's in 13 other categories. Yes I said it right, 13. I would end up with an Associate in Business with 5 special recognition categories, and a Bachelor in Accounting with 8 special recognition categories which would fall into to line with my business plans, allow me to be my own accountant, be a certified CPA, and run my business until I get enough for my property management company which is where all my hard work would end up. Real estate. My true callings are real estate, and stock market. The financial world. Money. Numbers. I excel at all these things. I have learned the insides and outs of real estate and also have a real estate school lined up as well. To be able to put my own homes on the market and sell them. I dont need a license to sell homes in Texas, but it does give you access to MLS which is very helpful for comps... ok I just went off into another world. What I realized after aaaallllloooot of thinking that my main focus now is to heal. I just told myself to slow down, focus on healing and then I can unleash the monster of learning that I have inside me. What you really look for is something that makes you happy. Well, I know one thing, doing this blog makes me happy. Trying to help people makes me happy. Trying to cause awareness make me happy. Trying to save lives makes me happy. I am learning to have faith, to let go of so much control and it will come to me anyway. I know I will be in real estate, I know I will be in the stock market. I know that I will help women. I can do all of it. In the particular order of healing helping, and helping healing. All I know is that I got word back that because of my begging and pleading with women to get tested, some did, and some found cancer. It saved them. That makes me feel good beyond words. If I could save one women I said, when I started this, it would all be worth it. Early detection is what I am talking about. Being proactive. Making sure you dont go through having to deal with anything worse than you have to. I can live with devoting my life to helping save the lives of as many people as I can, and I would be just fine with it. Perspective is something you gain when you open your ears, your heart, your life, for someone else. I am definitely learning all I can. I am trying anyway. I hope to inspire as many of you as I can do be passionate and do what makes you happy inside your heart. If you listen, your heart speaks to you. Your angels speak to you. Your conscience speaks to you. Get out of your own way, get out of what people may think of you. Lets do this together.

Control

I have thought a lot about the control that I have try to have over my life. This Stage 4 Cancer is not the only big challenge that I have had. I was a teen mother. I had my son at age 16. My husband and I have made a success out of it now that my son is about to be 16, and our daughter just turned 8. I should be an advocate for teen pregnancy as well and how to succeed at it because, I did, and I am succeeding at it. You see, when I found out of course it was a big thing, a life changing thing. I was pushed by high school to consider abortion, and adoption as an option for my son because the statistics of young families that succeed were all against us. Again family had plenty to say about it. Plenty to say about Chris, plenty to say about me. I vowed that I would make all those people eat their words and I did, and I have, and I will continue too. My children weren't going to be any ones statistics. I was going to make sure that they had direction, something I didn't get from anyone. I took the one time, (and yes it takes only one time young girls out there!), and had to change my whole life because of it. But I did it. I knew what I was going to have to do, I made the plan and I did it. I have very successful children, I am about to pay a house off, and before I was diagnosed I had the job I wanted, in the building I wanted, and the car I wanted in the house that I was paying cash for. Tell me that I didnt have control over my life. I went to school and worked and had a 1-2 year old. I worked my way up through the chains of the business world and made my money. I am a firm believer that experience is every bit as valuable than a degree of any kind. I made the same money as a person with a bachelor degree. I had a 2006 (brand new at the time) Mustang GT package, silver with black racing stripes. I worked my way up, got great experience, and was able to negotiate my salary to what I wanted. Basically everything I had worked for since I was 15 years old, and I found out I was pregnant came crashing down around me within a months time when I was diagnosed with cancer. I had to go on disability, and I lost my car. I couldn't drive it anyway, the pain when I would drive was almost unbearable. But I didn't care. I loved my mustang. I know this is why it was so much harder to take when I lost everything. Two years later, I realize I made it much harder on myself or maybe its just that its been 2 years and its not as hurtful. I just know that my thoughts were wrapped around accomplishing goals. I had accomplished my goals, and just like that it was wiped out. But that is where the control comes in. I was in control of everything in my life. I don't know anything else. Then all the sudden I had to give up control of everything in a snap second. Something I didn't know how to do. I am a scientific mind in that I develop my plan after I know what is happening. No one could tell me what was happening. How do I make my plan?
With this, I have to give up all the control that I have always known and embrace the unknown. Embrace the fact I cant know everything, and that its ok. I have never known that its ok to not know sometimes. I have never had to let go like this. I know its going to be a very hard thing to remember, try to practice, and try to remind myself of since this is all I have known. I am positive again in the fact that I feel better mentally, the pain is there as always, but I am controlling (there is that word again...lol) it as best I can with meds. I still get sick, hot flashes, dizziness, and am tired all the time. But I am here. I will see what this world has in store for me as I go with the flow, and not against it.

Doctor Visit May 5

I have purposefully not written to let everything sink in. We went to the visit where they were supposed to have this great plan of action for me. I told my mother as she was trying to make me feel better after the ortho appt., that nothing would change, and not to get disappointed when they dont change my meds and basically say the same thing. I think that previous to this I thought my personal army of doctors would come in and say, well you obviously want to live, then here we are, lets save you. It just doesnt happen that way. They basically tell you that how long you live doesnt matter now, its you quality of life. Well you know where they can stick that. I am writing this for the women out there that can save themselves because of all the crap I have been through. They can say, well we can cut half of that out and just take the lessons I have learned away. It doesn't matter to me. I have crossed a threshold of making this not about me, making it about how I saved my life, my sanity, my spirit, my feelings. Lots of people dont exactly write out there rock bottom moments for everyone to read, judge, comment on. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is why I write it. I got you thinking, didnt I? SOOOO
back to the doctor, I went in this time with a renewed attitude, and I just showed up for my appt, got my pain meds, and let my mom hear that they arent changing anything and we left. Of course I had to tell her, I told you so. But its just what I have learned. They dont wanna over commit. They dont wanna promise something they cant. Its a big hurry up and wait. I can say that I am going back to Pain Management, which I have already done. The 3 cortisone shots in my spine didnt anything for me the last time. I have been told to give it another chance. I also am going to speak to a nutritionist which I have never done. You think this stuff would be a given. Well its not.
Learn as I go...

Friday-May1

I went today and had more scans. They schedued me for 10, 10:30am and 8pm. The 8pm one was the MRI. The one where they slide you in the big magnet that takes pictures. This one was for my abdomen. The first CT scans were for my neck and chest. So they shot radioactive dye in me 3 times that day. We spent alllllll day there. I do not like doing MRI's. They take sooo long. The last time I was in, the lady said that it would take 45 minutes. You must lay still, not move, and listen to the machine and the lady for when you have to take a breathe in and hold it for the pictures. another thing, Im not a fish, It was tough to hold it for the length that it takes to get the pictures they need. So 45 minutes came and went, and here I am still in the machine. I started freaking out in there, crying and it wasnt a great memory. These are the last scans till my appt. We'll see.