Monday, December 21, 2009

Today is OK

Today has been an ok day for me. I got to spend some time this morning with Christopher. He still comes to lay in my bed when he wakes up and I just love it. I am a big fan of the things you do out of love and not even know it. Just being there together.
I had musical therapy today. I just have music that I love, that makes me feel good, and that I love to sing or dance to. I love music. I cant tell you how many times it has made me feel better. Some songs remind me who I am... that must be why I like them. And when I need gangter rap I listen to Tupac and Ice Cube... lol... really.. I do. Owell its all good. I love it all.
I dont have any other goals right now other than being happy. I want to feel happiness every day. I have been doing so much crying because of all of this. Not really just whaling but silently, alone, I have moments of weakness... of how or why. I am reminded of my faith at those times. If there is one thing my grandmother Caster has taught me is to have faith. She is my mentor, my role model. She has been through quite alot in her time too, and she has always made it through... I am reminded of that when I feel like giving up.
I am reminded every day who I am. I am forced to know every little thing that happens to me so I can report it to the doctors. I dont know if this is what they call living normally but it isnt to me. Its not easy to put your life on hold while everyone else's goes on around you. I just try to stay positive and like I said.. one day at a time. If it takes something easy like hearing from on old friend or a song to bring me out of my funk then that is where I am at now. I am trying to build up my strength, I think I am going to need it...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What Now?

I know I have not posted in a while... I have had a lot on my mind. I dont want to write when I dont even know what to say. I have had many many times where I receive more bad news and I just pile it on top of everything else. I dont know how I am going to deal with it quite yet. Or I should say, this is how I will deal with it for now... day to day.
I got through my mastectomy surgery with flying colors. I got major kudos from all the surgeons there. I actually went home the next day. I got out of surgery and recovery from a modified radical mastectomy and the removal of my left auxilla (armpit) surgery and into a room by 8:30pm and by 2:00pm the next day I am home. I did that good. Now the bombshell...
The cancer I have has mutated yet again and it is not the same kind as the pathology showed the first time. When I had a biopsy at the beginning of all this, the cancer I had was hormone receptive. That basically means it feeds on estrogen. So I basically turned every bit of estrogen out of my body and at 31 years old, I was considered post menapausal. I had a complete hysterectomy because I was told that my body was actually feeding the cancer and I had to turn it off. On top of the surgery I also took a pill, that was considered as my chemo, and that is what I did to fight the cancer.
Here it is 3 years later, and the pathology that was done while I was in my mastectomy surgery now shows that the cancer is no longer hormone receptive. They dont know when or why but that cancer had actually changed. Again I am told that this is rare, and that I am a rare case. For once, I want the rarity to be on my side.
What now?
What now is all I have thought about since I found out this news. It makes me feel on some level that I have been doing nothing and letting this cancer eat me alive. There is no way I would have or could have known one way or another but now that I have the info I cant help but feel like I could be doing more. I have been told over and over all the sudden how rare my case is and how they are having to customize everything they do for me because their normal patient is a 60 year old woman. It makes me know even more that I am one of a kind, I am a living miracle. And I have been through the battle of my life. Well guess what, its just starting...
I am about to start 7 weeks of radiation. A total of 33 treatments of radiation. It will be appoximately double the dosage I recieved for my 2 radiation cycles. I then will start chemotherapy. The hard core kind. I dont know what or how many chemo treatments I will need yet. Thats the only doctor I havent seen as of yet. I saw 2 doctors today. The radiation doctor and the doctor that checked out my insicion from the surgery and from where the tubes were. I had a good visit when it came to that. Everything looked fine. I have to keep in mind that I will be reconstructed... its just going to be after the radiation. I have such heaviness when it comes to thinking about this. All the doctor told me to do what to make sure I eat and sleep. Those are my main goals right now. Especially with what I am about to go through. I know that I am going to make sure that at least I get rest and eat. Or drink in my case. My nutritionist has given me Ensure to help me when I dont eat. So I think all my bases are covered for right now.
I thought that this last surgery was the hardest thing I had to do. I now know that I have not even begun yet. The thing I have on my side is my abilily to bounce back and my strength will silently take me through this without me even having to do anything. So thats all I have for now. I guess you can see why I havent been able to formulate the words to write here today...