Saturday, May 23, 2009


Its important for me to say that I care very much about my family and what they are going through as well. I dont point the finger all the time and say me, me, me. Lately I have just been able to express feelings that I have not been able to express ever. Pent up emotions that I can not let myself get caught up in or I will not heal. I can not allow myself to feel anything but happy times. What I love to do is be there for family. I cook for my family, I send food, plates, a care package as Chris likes to call it. I make sure my people are fed. I will take off my own plate for you in a minute. I serve the men. I believe when a man works hard its not a big deal to get them their plate and let them relax. Get them a beer. No big deal. I dont know anything else. Although I havent exactly been involved in anyones life lately. It seems like no one wants to burden me with anything or have me burden them. Not judging, just observing. I know people have alot going on. I know people have their own lives, own problems, their own issues they have to deal with. I think all it did was alienate me from everyone because I felt abandoned. Dont get me wrong, so many people have been there for me as well. My grandmother is a walking angel on this earth. She sees past alot of bull. Her and I have had some great conversations. And trust me, she knows the real deal. Many of my distant family has come to aid. My fathers family are there sending me prayers. I dont know anymore. I have become so discouraged and then on the other hand renewed. I dont know how else to make sense of it but to say that I only try to not make anyone feel as I have felt when I am hurt. Do unto others as best as I can. I dont judge anyone. I only make observations of my life, of what has happened from my point of view. If no one shares their point of view, well mine is all I have isnt it. I feel I have tried so hard. I have treated people kindly always. I am very direct, blunt, but I dont say anything to hurt feelings. I like to put it all out there, hold nothing on my heart. When I feel I am wronged, I see nothing else. I have only tried to be the best I can to everyone. And I will continue to be the best I can be strangers, friends, family. I can only be me. Thats all I can be.


I do not give permission to copy, print, or reproduce my blog in any way. These are all my own thoughts, words, blood, sweat, and tears. I give permission to forward the link to as many as you can, and soon my video blogs will be available to forward as well. Yay a new subject. I am currently learning editing, video and production.

Anyway, off point, this material is copywritten, so dont copy me... in the word of Missy lator, gator!


I go through a lot of books. I try to gain knowledge and also try to find new ways to think about things. New ideas, new approaches. I read a lot of books about grieving after my 4 month old niece passed away from SIDS in 2001. Trying to look for some kind of answers. Trying to learn what I could to try to help my sister. Try to help us all through this. Its been a while since I pulled out and looked at any material of this subject. What I realized when I was having a really hard time, when I was severely depressed, when I would just cry and cry that a lot of it was over the things that I would miss if I did not win my battle. So many things from being able to see my kids graduate, watching my business's grow and become successful, selling my first flip, retiring on our ranch/nature reserve/dog rescue. I mean the list goes on and on. When I say I plan and make goals I mean it. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Life is what happens when your busy making plans right. Well all the plans were made. I realized that everyday I was letting go of another possibility, dreading the thoughts of something that I had always planned to be at, to do and now I may not get to. I realized that I was grieving. So here I go to pull out my reading material on grieving and sure enough. It also made me think that none of us are offered a sure thing anyway. Mind you, this is months and months of thinking, misery, crying, and realizing all wrapped into a paragraph so forgive if it sounds light. This is a major breakthrough for me. I also realized finally that I can still have goals, just because I may take a different route to get there doesnt make it any less of a goal, any less of a journey. I used to think I knew so much, that I had at least a little of it figured out. Turns out, I am learning still. That is good for me though, it means I am choosing to grow as a person, to look at my own faults which is more than I can say for some people. To each his own right. Like I said, if you dont learn it when it presents itself for you to learn, then life will find a different way to teach you. Simple as that.

Major Realization-Education

So I have been toying with schools, doing very in depth research, looking into scholarships so that I could sit here and have a masters degree by the time I am done healing. I am good at so many things. There are so many directions I could go with picking a major. I finally settled on Accounting and Business with accreditation's in 13 other categories. Yes I said it right, 13. I would end up with an Associate in Business with 5 special recognition categories, and a Bachelor in Accounting with 8 special recognition categories which would fall into to line with my business plans, allow me to be my own accountant, be a certified CPA, and run my business until I get enough for my property management company which is where all my hard work would end up. Real estate. My true callings are real estate, and stock market. The financial world. Money. Numbers. I excel at all these things. I have learned the insides and outs of real estate and also have a real estate school lined up as well. To be able to put my own homes on the market and sell them. I dont need a license to sell homes in Texas, but it does give you access to MLS which is very helpful for comps... ok I just went off into another world. What I realized after aaaallllloooot of thinking that my main focus now is to heal. I just told myself to slow down, focus on healing and then I can unleash the monster of learning that I have inside me. What you really look for is something that makes you happy. Well, I know one thing, doing this blog makes me happy. Trying to help people makes me happy. Trying to cause awareness make me happy. Trying to save lives makes me happy. I am learning to have faith, to let go of so much control and it will come to me anyway. I know I will be in real estate, I know I will be in the stock market. I know that I will help women. I can do all of it. In the particular order of healing helping, and helping healing. All I know is that I got word back that because of my begging and pleading with women to get tested, some did, and some found cancer. It saved them. That makes me feel good beyond words. If I could save one women I said, when I started this, it would all be worth it. Early detection is what I am talking about. Being proactive. Making sure you dont go through having to deal with anything worse than you have to. I can live with devoting my life to helping save the lives of as many people as I can, and I would be just fine with it. Perspective is something you gain when you open your ears, your heart, your life, for someone else. I am definitely learning all I can. I am trying anyway. I hope to inspire as many of you as I can do be passionate and do what makes you happy inside your heart. If you listen, your heart speaks to you. Your angels speak to you. Your conscience speaks to you. Get out of your own way, get out of what people may think of you. Lets do this together.