Monday, May 18, 2009


I have thought a lot about the control that I have try to have over my life. This Stage 4 Cancer is not the only big challenge that I have had. I was a teen mother. I had my son at age 16. My husband and I have made a success out of it now that my son is about to be 16, and our daughter just turned 8. I should be an advocate for teen pregnancy as well and how to succeed at it because, I did, and I am succeeding at it. You see, when I found out of course it was a big thing, a life changing thing. I was pushed by high school to consider abortion, and adoption as an option for my son because the statistics of young families that succeed were all against us. Again family had plenty to say about it. Plenty to say about Chris, plenty to say about me. I vowed that I would make all those people eat their words and I did, and I have, and I will continue too. My children weren't going to be any ones statistics. I was going to make sure that they had direction, something I didn't get from anyone. I took the one time, (and yes it takes only one time young girls out there!), and had to change my whole life because of it. But I did it. I knew what I was going to have to do, I made the plan and I did it. I have very successful children, I am about to pay a house off, and before I was diagnosed I had the job I wanted, in the building I wanted, and the car I wanted in the house that I was paying cash for. Tell me that I didnt have control over my life. I went to school and worked and had a 1-2 year old. I worked my way up through the chains of the business world and made my money. I am a firm believer that experience is every bit as valuable than a degree of any kind. I made the same money as a person with a bachelor degree. I had a 2006 (brand new at the time) Mustang GT package, silver with black racing stripes. I worked my way up, got great experience, and was able to negotiate my salary to what I wanted. Basically everything I had worked for since I was 15 years old, and I found out I was pregnant came crashing down around me within a months time when I was diagnosed with cancer. I had to go on disability, and I lost my car. I couldn't drive it anyway, the pain when I would drive was almost unbearable. But I didn't care. I loved my mustang. I know this is why it was so much harder to take when I lost everything. Two years later, I realize I made it much harder on myself or maybe its just that its been 2 years and its not as hurtful. I just know that my thoughts were wrapped around accomplishing goals. I had accomplished my goals, and just like that it was wiped out. But that is where the control comes in. I was in control of everything in my life. I don't know anything else. Then all the sudden I had to give up control of everything in a snap second. Something I didn't know how to do. I am a scientific mind in that I develop my plan after I know what is happening. No one could tell me what was happening. How do I make my plan?
With this, I have to give up all the control that I have always known and embrace the unknown. Embrace the fact I cant know everything, and that its ok. I have never known that its ok to not know sometimes. I have never had to let go like this. I know its going to be a very hard thing to remember, try to practice, and try to remind myself of since this is all I have known. I am positive again in the fact that I feel better mentally, the pain is there as always, but I am controlling (there is that word it as best I can with meds. I still get sick, hot flashes, dizziness, and am tired all the time. But I am here. I will see what this world has in store for me as I go with the flow, and not against it.

Doctor Visit May 5

I have purposefully not written to let everything sink in. We went to the visit where they were supposed to have this great plan of action for me. I told my mother as she was trying to make me feel better after the ortho appt., that nothing would change, and not to get disappointed when they dont change my meds and basically say the same thing. I think that previous to this I thought my personal army of doctors would come in and say, well you obviously want to live, then here we are, lets save you. It just doesnt happen that way. They basically tell you that how long you live doesnt matter now, its you quality of life. Well you know where they can stick that. I am writing this for the women out there that can save themselves because of all the crap I have been through. They can say, well we can cut half of that out and just take the lessons I have learned away. It doesn't matter to me. I have crossed a threshold of making this not about me, making it about how I saved my life, my sanity, my spirit, my feelings. Lots of people dont exactly write out there rock bottom moments for everyone to read, judge, comment on. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is why I write it. I got you thinking, didnt I? SOOOO
back to the doctor, I went in this time with a renewed attitude, and I just showed up for my appt, got my pain meds, and let my mom hear that they arent changing anything and we left. Of course I had to tell her, I told you so. But its just what I have learned. They dont wanna over commit. They dont wanna promise something they cant. Its a big hurry up and wait. I can say that I am going back to Pain Management, which I have already done. The 3 cortisone shots in my spine didnt anything for me the last time. I have been told to give it another chance. I also am going to speak to a nutritionist which I have never done. You think this stuff would be a given. Well its not.
Learn as I go...