Deep Thoughts

I often wonder if any of the feelings I had before I was diagnosed had any effect on me enough to spark some of the self destruction I experienced. I had a great life. I have a great life now. It was the transistion inbetween and accepting and realizations. I was doing what my plan dictated. My goals were being reached. I had it all. All is a big word. Having it all means a different thing to all of us. Having it all for me used to be really simple. Having my family, my home, and the tools we need for everyday was enough for me at the moment. Like I said, I was in control. I had the car I wanted, the job I wanted, the money I wanted, the friends and family I wanted, the respect I wanted, and I lost it all in a matter of days.
During all that, I was carrying around so much. I tried to please everyone around me. I had best friends, who I thought were best friends, who I tried to please by just doing everything they wanted and agreeing all the time to what they wanted. I was a pleaser. I think a little to much. I just wanted to be liked and cared about. I try to be helpful to a fault. I think that was part of my downfall with these relationships. I tried to make them proud of me and they thought I was showing off. Those typed of responses aren't friends. And if any of that sounds familiar, family or not, the relationship is about to fall through. Sorry to say, unless you are able to talk about it, both of you, then it wont get any better. Dont be surprised when you think you are soooo close with someone or a couple and when you want to talk it out they dont even want to talk or end up being ugly to you like they never even cared to begin with. That can be more hurtful to but again, all part of the game from posers who act like friends. All they are here to do really is hurt, and be dark. No more dark for me, I only tie myself into the light, I am the light, I breathe it in, and let it absorb all around me. The brightest whitest light you can imagine. Thats what kills the hate. Light. Love. Life.
I now know that by thinking I was so in control, I wasnt in control of anything at all. It was stripped in seconds, so what was I really in control of. I know that if I kept up with how I was going then it was either the career or plan my funeral. I had to slow down and take care of myself, something of which I have never done. Not that I neglected myself, I just never thought anything was ever wrong with me.
I am very knowing of my own mind inside myself and I know that I am aware that I don't have to care about any of this, about anyone, about what ever else goes on with anyone else but myself. I am just not that way. I know I have it within me to care about other people even when I am going through a lot right now. Its not hard to know that I have heart. I care. I am more careful now about who I shower the love and care on. Some people don't like that or want it. They don't feel a family connection with anyone. They are the old hags of the family. Its all good, its takes all kinds you know. Its just another thing I have learned. And hey remember that most of the time family doesn't even act like family. Friends and strangers acts more decent to you sometimes than your brother or sister even. So don't let your troubled relationships get you down. You can only try so hard and compromise so much. Its a hard lesson to learn and can take a lot of tears. It takes even turning away from a brother or sister at times to get the respect you know you give and deserve. No one said it was easy. Take it from me, its not easy at all. Its hard as hell. The other end of the rainbow is worth all the hard work it takes to have real relationships now days. Not fake. Not posers. Not haters. Real people. Genuine people. That is what I am after, that is what I look for now. Loyalty and quality. Great words of the day.

RB

SO HARD

They can say whatever
I'ma do whatever
No pain is forever
Yup, you know this

Tougher than a lion
Ain't no need in tryin'
I live where the sky ends
Yup, you know this

Never lyin', truth teller
That Rihanna reign, just won't let up
All black on, blacked out shades
Blacked out Maybach

I'ma rock this shit like fashion, as in
goin' til they say stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bitch in heels right here

No fear, and while you getting your cry on
I'm getting my fly on
Sincere, I see you aiming at my pedastal
I betta let ya' know

That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah
That Rihanna reign just won't let up
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

All up on it
Know you wanna clone it
Aint like me
That chick to boney
Ride this beat, beat, beat like a pony
Meet me at the top (top, top)
Gettin' lonely

Who think they test me now
Run through your town
I shut it down
Brilliant, resilient
Fan mail from 27 million

And I want it all
It's gonna take more than that
Hope that ain't all you got

I need it all
The money, the fame, the cars, the clothes

I can't just let you run up on me like that (all on me like that)
Yeah
I see you aiming at my pedastal
So I think I gotta let ya' know

That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Go hard or go home
Back to your residence
Soon the red dogs will give the block back to the presidents
I used to run my own block like Obama did
You ain't gotta believe me, go ask my momma then

You couldn't even come in my room
it smelled like a kilo
Looked like me and two of my boys playing casino
Trying to sell they peeping my bag they can't afford it
Tell 'em to give me back my swag
They tryin' to clone me

See my Louis tux, Louis flag, Louis frames, Louis belt
What that make me
Louis mane?

I'm in an all white party wearin' all black
With my new black watch call it the heart attack
Cardiac arrest, cardiac a wrist
Yeah, they say they're hard
They ain't hard as this

Hard!

The one word describes me
If I wasn't doin' this
You know where I be, too hard


Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where dem girls talkin' trash
Where they at, where they at, where they at?

Where dem bloggers at
Where dem bloggers at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?

Where your lighters at
Where your lighters at
Where they at, where they at, where they at?
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
That I, I, I, I'm so hard
Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so hard
So hard, so hard, so hard, so hard

Over Halfway Done

My treatments are going well!!!!!!! I am knocking it out like nothing else. We have it down to an art. That's the way we (my mom and I) feel by now.
I am now getting a little red around my treatment area. It gets dry and itchy and all I need is a good lotion to put on and it feels much better. Besides the everyday that we have to do, and the turning down of all the other stuff we could be doing, everything is going as it should with my treatments. I'm not going to act like its not for a good reason. We are doing what we have to do. I am doing the dam thing and like I said in my title, I am kicking ass.
I am amazingly happy too. I don't have time for boo hoo times and any bull. I truly enjoy every day. It's worth the time it takes to weed out all the posers and/or haters to keep the ones that lift you up, that take care of you, and that have love in their hearts. Simple as that.
Life is really not complicated. It all boils down to having spirit. I don't play manipulation. And great thing is, I can spot it a mile away. I sit back and watch people sometimes. When I predict a certain person and a certain action and they prove me right every time. If you wanted to be close with this person, and all they do is treat you badly then it does suck. Sadly when these posers and/or haters think they got away with something, all they did was out themselves as a poser and/or hater. To sit back and watch as others don't get the lessons of life that you do can be sad. Mostly sad because they can be older, or they can make more money, or they can have a bigger home than you, drive a better car...and the list can go on and on. That goes to show you it does not matter who you are, we are all here to learn the lessons of life. If you let those lessons pass you by then you are on the devils playground. You are not in the Lord's temple. If you were then these thoughts wouldn't even come to your mind. Love is all that dwells in the Lord's eyes and heart. All you can do is leave them behind as you grow as a person and a friend and family member. It doesn't mean that you don't see them anymore or cut them off from your life, it means that now you know who your associates are and who your friends and family are. And trust me, sometimes you are in the dark about who is who. When all the dust settles, you will see who remains.
The better you take care of your own heart and mind, the better you can be there for yourself or your loved ones. You try to give good advice and not advice that is from an ugly place. Some people cant separate themselves from the situation and see others points of view. That is one thing I have really worked on. I am proud of how far I have come, even if it has been a tough day every once in a while. I also believe the more you have been through the more the good times mean to you. The more I try as a person to be there for everyone around me, the better I feel. It hadn't been as much as I would have liked over the past three years, but hey, check the history, I have been kinda busy.
I look forward to making up for times lost, and I definitely look forward to the good times not yet upon us. Its a great life. Breathe deep while you enjoy every moment!
Some of my family don't believe in posting your business online. That is not what I am trying to do here. I am trying to save lives. I have had many women find lumps because I asked them to be diligent with self exams. I have had many women look at my story and go get checked out. That makes me feel so good. I know that I have suffered alot over the years, but I also know its not as much as others have to go through. There is a 6 year old boy with a brain tumor getting treatments the same time I do. Do you know how hard that is to watch? If I see the child you better believe he will not see the tears for him, he will see the joy I have for his fight, for his resolve. I go back to the nerdy saying of... If I could help one person its worth it. It is worth it all. And then some.
Love. Live. Laugh.
R.B.