Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Ortho Update

So I get a call last Friday that they found a possible fracture in my femur and I am scheduled to go to talk to the Ortho Clinic and get counseled. Now this is stemming from the previous email 4-8-09, and if you dont have that update you may be lost..

We get there and it was unusually busy. Both my sisters went and my mom. See I was told in my visit on the 5th, that if I got a fracture in any of my bones, that its devastating, and I probably wouldnt recover. Then I get a call that I have a fracture, and bring on the tears people.

So my sisters and mother immediately know my mind goes to the bad place... its just I take all the worst info, and prepare myself for the worst. I do not prepare myself for curveballs, which to me this one was. I get in there and the doc explains that its what he calls a lesion. I have a present lesion on my bone. A lesion is deterioration of the bone, but not a significant crack per sa. It can, or may lead to a crack, or a break. If it breaks, he called it a catastrophic break... to me that means that Im done. Heaven bound or at the very best wheelchair bound. What he needs is to compare charts and decide how aggressive this lesion is. If it is aggressive, meaning it wasnt on last scans, and all the sudden is here then its aggressive. Then we are talking surgery to put nails and screws in my bones so it wont break. That is not the only "lesion" in my pelvic area and hip bones. I am trying to be a strong as I can.. its so hard. I broke down in the office. This is just something else ontop of my Mt Everest that I have to face. How much more news can I get. How much more can I take? Just when I think, ok, I know it all..... now I can prepare for what needs to happen. I get my legs kicked right out from under me, and deal with this! no choice. If its not aggressive, meaning its been on the scans the whole time, that means that it wont be such a cause for alarm. Thing is, I know when the pain started. I feel every bit of pain that comes from my bones. And since all my previous doctors didnt tell me what was on my scans, I cant tell you if it was there. There are things that I found out in the ER that I thought were new, they just never told me. There is nothing that can be done about it. All I can do is go for my bone treatments, hope the pill is killing the cells on the bones, so they can regrow, and stand on the dart board for all the rest of the shots, news, feelings, and tears to come because I know they are. Its funny, that I will be fine for a couple of days, then slam.... I am forced to deal and think of things that are overwhelming to say the very least. I can feel myself getting stronger..... at least my heart is stronger. I can take sooooooooooo much. It takes so much for me to even cry. I thought I was all cried out. When you get diagnosed, you think ok, I know the worst, now what do we do. I have been steady getting one piece of bad news after another, trying to put the best spin on it, trying to make it through another minute.. another hour, another day. Its not easy. But as always, no choice, no other way to go. Except in the ground. And Im not ready for that. I went to my dads grave on last Fathers Day, for the first time in like 20 years. It was then I realized he was killed at the age of 30. It sent me spiraling and that it felt like I had his fate, I wasnt going to make it past 30 either. Another thing is my sister, is having a girl due almost on my exact bday. I was, and to be honest its not out of my head, what they say, one life in one life out. It happened with my fathernlaw. He passed and literally the next days, I found out I was pregnant with Kristen. Scares me too.. I have not told anyone this. When my 31 bday came around last year, I was the only one quietly sighing a breathe of relief. A short relief if any... I am stilll scared to death... living my life....what else can I do? What I really am looking forward to, is that new energy, fresh from heaven, fresh youth. Maybe I can suck some of that right back into me. Post menapausal at 30... who ever heard of such of thing.... oh yeah... me.

I have to stay off my leg, no significant pressure for another month, where I will go back in and get xrays to see the progression. At this time I will know if I need surgery... so they say. Im so glad my mother took this over. I cant deal with all this by myself anymore. My mother and sisters have really been there for me since weve been at this new place. A real understanding of real respect, love, and encouragement is something we are sharing.

So dam, music has been my one real crutch. Nothing like a song to make you feel however you need to feel. Gangsta, love, sad, emo, happy, jammin, dancing... that is when I can look in the mirror and say... oh there you are. That and when I hear from my friends and family. The ones who really care. That tell me, you are the strong one, you are a force. That is who you are. Not who you were. Those are the ones who really know me, who really love me, and who really know exactly what to say to me when i feel like giving up... Bit*h...getup and fight! That is sometimes what I need to here...

thats about all i can take for now... ttyl

Status update email-4-8-09

Originally emailed on 4/8/09

Hello all,
The day after my doc appt I have had a chance to soak it all in. Its amazing the difference in feelings of forward progress and the thoughts of thinking you are just wasting away. I saw the doctor after getting vitals done and my blood pressure was thru the roof. I told the nurse, I only slept 3 hours last nite.. the anticipation gave me a migrain. I finally caught some zzz's from 6-9am. Some is better than none. Anyways, I really liked this doctor although I still have a choice between her an another I am seeing in a months time. She listed 3 positive things about my cancer. 1. Its ER positive which means that I have an option for hormone treatments on top of chemo which ER negative only has a choice of chemo 2. Most of the places throughout my body, the cancer is in my bones, which the doct swears is good because its not in my organs. My bones can be rebuilt... with alot of hard work. 3. I can rebuild my muscles still, which in turn has positive affects on the rest of me.. all the way around. I do not qualify for clinical trials due to the fact that its not a pronounced measurable area that they can get to easily to see if the trial meds are having an affect. She said right off the bat, that there are 10-15 treatments that she could think of off the top of her head. The thing is I have to decide what I want to put myself through. Chemo of course makes your hair fall out, and is very hard on all other organs. She advised me that if we use all the options up, and there is none left, well Im not any better off am I? The pills I take are the same for now. I have to get another mammogram, another CT Scan, a bone scan, and a Zomeda treatment this Friday for my bones. And the best news of all at the end, my port flushed!!! The doctor sent in the nurse and she said we are going to try to draw blood from the port and if it doesnt come out then you have to go to radiology and get a dye injected so they can see where the clog was... So the doc left, and the nurse came in a few minutes later. Myself, my mom, and Lisa, were calling all the angels of ports, of plumbing, of good nurses.. heck I dont care. I will call the angel of bedpans if I have to to get some kind of good So I am looking down and she was able to draw blood from my port. Which means still good! Which means not starting all over or having to have another surgery! I take whatever I can get, and after doing a few disco moves when I saw the tube, I told her that we were going to sing the Rocky theme music as we went down the hall to leave... It was a turning point. Forward steps, not backward steps. YAY! So all the tests and scans over the next month takes me to my next appt the beginning of May when they will decide if they want to change the medicine or not. They will have a clearer picture by being able to compare scans. ok, another wait, another month... but forward progress... fingers crossed people!!!!

More updates to come when I get it, you will too!

Status update email-4-5-09

Originally sent in a mass email on 4-5-09....

Hi everyone,

I have new information on my condition and I owe it to each of my friends and family to at least share the latest news. Last week I was feeling so bad that I finally picked up the phone and called my mom who then called into work to come be with me. Chris was at work and unreachable. When she got there, I was in probably one of the worst states that I have ever been. Long story short, I have been bounced back and forth from coverage, and since November they have dropped me and I havent seen a doctor since then. Its not something that I let happen, or havent been trying to fix. We have been going round and round with these people, and when I called my mom, I was in such a defeated state of mind, that I didnt feel strong, I didnt feel like fighting anymore. Needless to say I spent all Monday in the emergency room. When my mother talked to someone from Susan G. Komen and they found out my port hadnt been flushed in so long, the lady almost came from Canada to take me herself. A blod clot can occur and kill me instantly since I havent had it flushed... do you think any of the bazillions of doctors over 2 years have told me that. NO!!!!! Now I also find out I might have it replaced because if they do flush it, and there is a clot formed in the tube, then I die anyway. It was traumatizing enough the first time. So here I am in the emergency room on Monday for over 10 hours. I finally got new xrays and found 6-7 new places in my system that the cancer has spread to. Another on my spine, both my hips, both sides of my ribs, my pelvis, and my femur bone (thigh). Oh and appearantly I had a broken rib that I healed from but dont ask me when I broke a rib... have no idea. After my mother has been on the phone for countless hours, they got me into a CT scan yesterday (miracle I got in so fast) and I finally see a doctor on Tues (another miracle) coming up. I know that I am getting ready for the battle of my life. I have high hopes with a new set of eyes, with a new mind on my case that she will choose an aggressive treatment this time. I have been set aside, I have felt like a science project, I have felt like no one cares, I have felt like the doctors only care about money. My last doctor changed my medicine and dropped me before she found out if it was working.. and hello new tumors. URGH! I have been trying to mentally prepare for all that I am about to endure. The woman that I met at Gilda's last week says her chemo knocks her off her feet for 2 weeks. 2 weeks! I am already having a hard enough time trying to appear some kind of normal to my kids. I already struggle at times to not cry in front of them as it is. I put on a brave face for seeing people so that they feel comfortable. In doing this, they think Im cured and dont call.. or so I hear. I pray every day that Jesus brings me the strength I need so my kids see that no matter what happens at the end of all this, they will know I tried my ass off. Over the last 2 years since my diagnosis, family has come and gone. Whether they get on with their lives without us or not is fine, we have had no choice. I am here to say that we do not have room in our hearts for it any more. The sorrow that comes from people that we love should not even be a factor at this time in our lives. My kids have done nothing to anyone, and they are young and dont understand why people that have been there for them all their lives arent there now when it matters most. I dont have the answers. We are ascending to a higher thinking that doesnt involve letting the people you love down. Knowing that my kids will care about each and every one of you no matter what gives me a nice feeling. They are not taught to hate, or to judge. Each person has their own circumstances. I have taught them to recognize disgenuine people and thats where it stops. Thats when we say God Bless You and move on because only God can help you. I am saying for all of us, that we have no ill feelings for anyone. I will take on all the pain for them. I take pain that will make most men cower to the ground and I can do it smiling. I try to make everyone else feel comfortable around me. Right now all I say is its ok. I dont have time for it anymore. So be a part of our lives or dont, I am saying now that we are not looking back. We wont be there later for people that come back and come around only after the hard work is done. Then we all say that is not a very good person and we not only dont need it, we dont want it in our lives. I am blunt and I dont care right now..I dont exactly have many other chances to say what I feel. I am fighting for my life here, my husband, son and daughter are just as much in the fight as I am. We know who loves us. We love everyone and all of you are in our hearts. At the very least dealing with cancer has made us stronger. It gives me an opportunity to teach my children compassion for others who dont have it in their hearts to be the bigger person. Dealing with cancer has made me realize what is most important now while I am facing the hardest part... compassion for others. Not making judgements. Put your pettiness to the side. Smile. Hug someone else. That hug might just make a person decide not to give up. It may be the thing that makes all the difference in their lives, that makes them think someone cares. It may make the difference of life or death, literally. Im not only talking about towards me, I am talking about being kind towards others. Not being fake. No drama. Not saying you dont want drama, then stirring it up. Gossiping. Its such a waste of time when all that matters is loving each other and being there for each other. To all my friends that have called over the last couple of days, and I am sorry I havent been able to speak to anyone just yet..all you will hear right now is so this email is about all I can do.. I will do my best to update you all and let you know what the doctor said. Please forward to anyone I missed, I dont have everyones email. Most of all right now I need positive thoughts sent my way, LOADS of prayers, and most of all hope. My tank is just about on empty.. lets get it filled back The people I recognize the most is my husband Chris, and my kids. Chris's strength amazes me. Christopher and Kristen are such good kids. I know they needs your prayers as well. To all my wonderful friends and family that have been there for me no matter what, you are all a part of the strength that keeps me and my family going and I am forever grateful, I truly love each one of you. Peace be with you all.

Words from Joel O. 4-27-09

Joel: As a young man growing up, I loved to play baseball. And like any child that ever put on a uniform, I dreamed one day of making it to “the big leagues.” In the world of baseball, there’s nothing bigger than Yankee Stadium, and on Saturday night, I stood at second base in front of a packed crowd.
But instead of a baseball glove in my hand, I had the Word of God. A dream had come true – and it was better than I could have possibly imagined.
Our historic night of hope from Yankee stadium was the first non-baseball event ever held at the world-famous ballpark, and it was also our first open air stadium event as a ministry. It was a night Victoria and I will never forget.
My prayer is that the tens of thousands in attendance and the millions more watching on television will always remember – God is good!

**When it feels like your dreams will never come true, when the challenges, pain and pressures in life become overwhelming, you’ll be tempted to forget that God is good. His Word reminds us that His faithfulness and His love endure forever.
God’s goodness is stronger and mightier than anything you’ll face in life. If you’ll keep holding on to your dreams and thanking God for His goodness, He’ll make your dreams come true. And it’ll be better than you could ever have imagined.

**I cant tell you how I read, and re read things like this. I try and draw hope and positive out of whatever I can to lift my spirits. Whatever happens to me, I know God is Good. I fully believe that I will serve whatever purposes he has for me, and thats all I have to hold on to... R

Bring it back

I thought instead of sending emails out, that I would just reopen my blog. All users. Anytime. Come and see for yourself. Send this link to whomever you want. I have wayyyy to many people that care about me that want status. I acknowlege you out there. You know who you are. By my side no matter what. If you want to come on here for an update, go ahead. If you want to send me positive thoughts, please do. If you come on here to make yourself feel better with my misery, then you are just a jerk (the 4 letter word that I will publish) and Im glad I dont know about it, if I did I would just say a prayer for you. You can jump off a cliff for all I care....figurativly speaking as they say....Peace out baby!