Sunday, October 25, 2009

Tuesday Is here

As I enjoy my weekend of drinking shots and having fun with friends, the thoughts of what about to occur lingers in the back of my mind. Chris and I don't really even drink any more so you know when there is 4 different kinds of shots on hand that we had some steam to blow off before the surgery.
I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand I have wanted this day for a long to time. I have asked for it since 3 doctors ago. The response has always been that it's not necessary because it had already spread. They use mastectomy surgery as a preventive measure. So the cancer will not spread. Mine had already spread. So I have always gotten the answer that I didn't need to have the surgery. Now the doctor tells me she thinks that the cancer is going to break through the skin on my left breast. She says that I don't want that to happen, she doesn't want that happen, and I definitely don't want to be traumatized if something like that was to occur. This is the reason that the surgery is happening now and why it hasn't happened before now. Her examinations of me have lead her to believe that this is something to worry about so I am going to listen to her and have the surgery. I told them as I always do with every surgery to schedule it the first day possible.
I call yesterday morning because I didn't know if I had a pre-op appointment, and they tell me the surgery has been moved to November 9th. So I was just like WHAT, why wouldn't anyone call me and tell me that. I know they are busy but come on. I am glad I called.
I had a cry yesterday because its anticlimactic. I build my nerves up to be nerves of steel, then nothing happens. It so much pressure sometimes. I know I can handle it in the end, I know what I need to do deep down. Its a ride that I never thought I would ever be on that is for sure. I know deep down in my heart that I will have just as much reward as I have had heartache. I know that deep in my heart. It will be nothing but smiles very soon. And I know it is earned and definitely deserved. I cant wait to be at the finish line with all my family and friend crying tears of joy for a change. Tears of JOY!