Appointment Today

I waited since my last appointment for the letter to come to confirm the appointment time like the nurse told me to do. At the end of my last appointment the nurse gave me a paper that showed my next 5 or 6 appointments (all tentative). She (the nurse) told me the the confirmation will come in a letter and or a phone call. I waited all day until yesterday evening and I had no confirmation of the time. My mom called last night asking for the time of the appointment so she could go. I told her I hadn't gotten the confirmations so I would call the minute they start answering the phones at 8am. Then I can find out the time and then call her and let her know when to be there because she wanted to go with me. This is a big time appointment where a big time conversation will be taking place. I want her there. Well I called and they did not have an appointment on the schedule for me today. The lady on the phone looked everywhere in the system, I was no where in there for today. I then called my mom and told her to call and make sure because I want to go to my appointments. She called up there to and confirmed that I was not in the system for today. My next appointment is on the 5th for my chemo and then the 6th for my consultation for my radiation. So a little more waiting for me but I can do it. I always do. Ready. Set. Go.... I am already halfway to the finish line! YEah! RB

Stage 4

I want to talk a little about Stage 4. Its very scary. Before you can get to the healing you have to get over the horror of this phrase and all that is implied when it is said. I used to be held down by the title. If I had a title ever in my life I didn't expect it to be that. I have also seen that the women that come through Stage 2 or 3 or even 4 talk about how after its all said and done that everything they have been through turns out to be a blessing. I was startled at first when I saw that. How can this be a blessing? How? I had to adjust my thinking a bit. After all, these are women who have won their fight. I need to be in that frame of mind. So I start thinking about it. After a few weeks, I am starting to realize what they are talking about. I think that its very profound to even make this statement. Its very bold. Its almost unheard of. I know that if I wasn't forced to slow down I wouldn't have. I would have worked myself into a stuper, and how would that have been any better? I cant say what would have become of my career, and where I would be right now. All I know is that I am doing something greater than I could have ever done sitting in my office behind a desk and a computer. I am living my life to the fullest. I am getting to know the people I love. I am taking the time to be here for my kids, and whatever they want. I am slowing down so that I can get to know my own self, and what I am here to do on this earth. I do believe that we are all in this together. I truly believe that just being nice means so much to someone who is at their lowest. I know its all about your fellow man, not yourself. I am going to heal, and I am going out into this crazy world to help as many people as I can with my story. I am going to save as many women as I can just by telling them to care about themselves for a change. I am going to make a difference in someones life everyday if I can. Those are personal goals. The goals that I used to have were much different. It was all about me and getting the promotion, and paying off the cool car, and finishing paying for my house. Me me me. Its one way to go... Going through life knocking people out of their spot so you can take it. I used to be upset that this life was no longer available to me. Now I look at my former self and I think, wow, I didn't have a clue. The great feelings that come when you help someone is something I cant describe. I have had so many good things happen in my life. And I can tell you that none of that comes close to the good feelings that you can attain by doing the Lord's good work. I am a soldier of the Lord. You know at the beginning of this, because Stage 4 was a part of the first doctor visit, the doctor had to explain to me everything that he thought I needed to know about what was going on. During this conversation he spoke about the definitions of Stage 4. It was at that time he gave me 6 months. He said I would not live past 6 months. Its has been almost 3 years. That goes to show you that terms dont mean anything. Its the fight inside, its the will of your soul, its the determination of the spirit. I used to think that I needed the strength of others to help me along. I would want and almost need to see the people that I had around me. I used it to define myself. I knew who I was, part of that was based on my social life, and my friends and family. I soon found out that I was the only one who felt this way. I have seen the Lord bring people into my life and take people out. I lose a few and gain a hundred. I give everyone so much of a chance, that I dont really determine the good from the bad. I just try to give everyone a chance that I hope to get from people myself. Doesnt always work out that way. So if your like me, you have to take the signs from above. Check check and check. Hey no one said you are supposed to know everything. We learn as we go, thats all we can do. But learn, or you will be doomed to repeat it. I think its comical that grown men and women cant even grasp this concept. Owell, they will learn the hard way. And I will sit back and watch like people sit back and watch me. Difference is I put on a show, and I will have a grand finale, and a standing ovation. Some people I know will be lucky to have 10 people at their funeral. I dont know what to tell those people except... Good luck with that... More later, gotta go live my life...not wasting one second of it. Peace and love,
HuRah!
Renee

Surgery Update

So its 9 days officially till I go talk to the breast surgeoun. I am nervous yet semi excited. I have all the faith that this is victory for me. Only thing from now until then is keeping my mind quiet, not worrying about anything or getting ahead of myself. That seems to be the best thing for me to do right now. I do know that my body is in overdrive fighting right now because I almost have no energy. I dont sleep all the time, but I just have no energy, I get tired really quickly. If my body has to use all my energy to fight right now then so be it. I know its for the better. Fingers crossed. RB

Thank You

I had a posting that referred to my thanks to everyone in my first year of postings. It occurred to me I should write another one since its not shown posted anymore. (As I have said before, there are a year and a half of posting that I printed and have in a binder since 2007) I have to and want to thank all the people that are here for me. No names in particular, if you are sending me good thoughts, I love you, and I thank you. I don't sleep, I don't always have a clear head with all the meds and I do have the best of intentions. I will one day take the time to individually write each person. I love all of you so much. I thank each and every one of you for loving me, for being considerate during this difficult time, for thinking of me despite all that is going on within your own lives. I cant express my thanks enough. God is Good... ALL THE TIME!

Meds

Dam Chris went to get my medicine this morning. 1200 dollars people. Thats this month only. So don't tell me that I am not trying to get better. I have many more pills when I come out of a surgery. My pain dosage is the same as the day I got out of the hospital. They said when it starts making me tired then I will know that its too much. Now what I don't get is that my tolerance is my tolerance no matter what. How does your tolerance get less when you are taking the same thing. My tolerance has done nothing but increase. That's why I was in intensive care for so long. I have had to do some extra praying when it comes to this coming surgery. I am more nervous. They are going to working by my heart, and the stay last time was nothing less than traumatizing the first day. I have never been in so much pain, I have never cried so hard. I had to be asked to put back to sleep. Like who does that. After 8 hours of me yelling at them, they were more than happy to oblige me..lol.. My goal is to get down to only one pill. The hormone therapy pill. The one that helps me not feed the cells that are attacking me. Goal in sight, goal in mind, now I just have to wait to be done with this next surgery, and 6 weeks of radiation and my monthly chemo treatments, and in November when I get scanned again I am actually looking forward to that scan. I am interested to see what is left kind of thing. Here's hoping!

HOPE

Have
Optimism
Plus
Excellence

Facing Death

I miss being able
To get up and go
Now its all pills
And needles that flow.

Chemo, radiation, and doctor visits
That's my life now
I push forward no matter what
I don't know how

The power of faith
Is shining through
I believe in Lord Jesus
There is nothing he cant do

Believe and I will be healed my child
Is what he says and does
I believe in my saviour
No reason, just because

I can choose in this life
To do wrong or right
I can choose to die
Or get up and fight

You better believe
I will do my best
I know my calling
Its all a test

I face death in the eyes
Every single day
But Im not going out like that
It will be my way!

A poem by Renee B.
7/18/09

All I Want

All I want
Is to be there
When my girl goes to school
and my boy is flying an F22
Is that so much to ask?
Just like everyone else
I can not miss
What goes on in my family
I am being attacked within
An enemy I can not see
That lives inside me
Why did this happen?
Havent I been through enough?
Appearantly not
I have the capacity to learn more
which means...
I am highly regarded
in the spirit world
I get to learn the most
haha!

Dear Cancer,

Dear Cancer,
You piece of shit, why do you show up when things are perfect? I have no time to deal with your bull...To deal with you always trying to knock me down...Keep me down...Make me weak. Don't you know since I was born there has not been a day where I have been weak you stupid, ugly, nasty, joke of a disease? I demand you leave my body immediately. Its not ok for you to take away my time from my husband and children. Its not ok that you took away my ability to have any more children. Its not ok that I have to have surgery after surgery just to contain all the crap you started. Well let me tell you one thing. I am about to kick your ass. So be ready. Be ready.
Renee B.

Jesus

Accept him into your life today
And you will get the best feeling
When you think of him and pray

Hey, whatever helps you get through the week
Helps you keep your composure
Instead of getting mad and freaked

Calm down and all you have to say
Is I accept you Lord Jesus
Into my heart today

A poem by Renee B.
7/18/09

FIGHT

Fix
Insides
Great
Head to
Toe

Strengths

I post alot about my struggles and tribulations, but it occurred to me that I have never written directly about my strengths. My willpower, dedication, resolve, hope, faith, openness, and my overall strength when it comes to getting myself better. Its not a choice. Its an easy decision for me to fight and be here when I am needed. I do not back down. I will not back down. The Lord already knew I was very strong or he wouldnt give me this to deal with now. I didnt believe it was possible to be stronger but boy am I. I mastered the part of life that deals with providing and being there for my kids. I am now being taught the human condition. Compassion. Love. I have always been kind and concerned for others. Now its being taken to a whole new level. I know that I just need to show kindness and empathy for others not only myself. Its a sad, lonely world when all you have is yourself. I have so many people who care for me. Lose a couple from my life and gain a thousand more. I know that I am cared for, I know that I am loved. The people who are truly here for me, not what I can get them, are still here and they still show me they are here for me. They dont even have to do one thing but say hi. Its not so hard to just say hi to someone, let them know, hey Im here if you need me. People try to take on too much, they try to handle everything themselves. I am the queen of that. But its ok, I carry the load. I know what I am doing. When I thrown a curveball, I just have to adjust. Accept. Know. And move on. I have faith in the Lord. Just say the word and I shall be healed. My love of Jesus, my faith in the angels that surround me has never been stronger. I love my church, I love Father Michael. I love the support I get from my fellow church members. Hugs, love, prayers, good will.. thats what really counts. People think its all about money. What you think you did for me at this time or that...and you should be recognized on a silver platter. If thats how you feel then why did you even do anything for me to begin with. The smartest man on the planet, my pa, Ascension Bravo used to say the best phrase I have ever heard... He would say "I do not do favors, I do it out of the kindness of my heart, I expect nothing in return" I live my life by that saying. I miss that man. I loved that man. I took care of him the last years of his life Chris and I cared for him, made sure he was fed, made sure he had what he needed the last years of his life. So before I had to endure my trials, I cared for my father when he was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and he knew the end was coming. Stroke after Stroke he was finally taken from us in 2000. No help from anyone. His daughters werent even talking to him when they knew he was dying. I was the only one there. They are lucky the last couple of months that I called them and asked them to come back because I needed help, or they would not have the last memories they do with him. I only say it because its the truth. I needed help and I thought it was pretty shitty and I did something about it. Now they can say they say they had time with him before he passed. I wish he was still here. I miss him terribly. And one life out, my pa, and one life in, Kristen. She was born 3 months after he passed, and she misses him and didnt even meet him. She always saw him when she was a baby. More than once she would call out for grampa when no one was there. We have had some experiences with him visiting. I hear I am not the only one. He visited Chris's sister too in spirit form. Hey, there is a place after this, a heaven if you will. I am not scared no matter what happens. I have made peace with my life, with my God, with my husband, my kids, my sisters, my friends, and my family. Of course there is always those few who still are stuck up and think they need drama or a fued. They dont realize they are just fueding with themselves. Its something everyone has to learn, and I guess I am just more advanced than the grown ups around me. Its something I have to live with...darn..lol... My white light has never shined brighter, my lifeforce has never been stonger, the love I receive has never been better. I am blessed.

UNC

Happy Bday to my Unc Crae. I look forward to the next game of darts. You know I beat Judy with your darts last time...lol... Love you guys.

Prayer

Dear Lord,
Please keep me strong in mind and body so that I may mentally attack this surgery as well as come out of it physically. Please see over my children and Chris and keep them strong as they are my life and I do not wish them to worry any more. I know this is what I am supposed to do. Cut it off at the head and the rest dies. Chris has said that from the beginning to the very first doctor. Thank you Lord for sending me the right doctors and surgeons to take care of me who are finally on the same page as we are. Please ease up on the intensive care area of the surgery. I do not wish to cuss any nurse out on this stay. I hope to have the best day and the best recovery possible. Please tell Chris that he can keep wishing for double d's cause he dont have to walk around with 'em..lol... Thank you! I ask this in Jesus name..Amen

Great 4th weekend

I have to add that we had a great 4th holiday with Unc and Judy, Reather, and Mike. My mom and sisters went to. Then we went to fireworks. We went swimming and cooked out.. It was a blast. Thanks guys!

Doctor Appointment Today

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. Its been 3 months since I have talked with her. I really like this lady. Anyway, I had a panic attack in the morning before my appt. I did not want to go. I did not feel well. I wanted to reschedule. So what is the next thing I hear. Bang Bang Bang on my door, my mom is like, you have to get up, we have to go now. In the long run, I am glad she did. Seems to me, that somehow I can sense and know when I am about to get some major news, and fight going. Its alot to take.
So here is the latest.....
I have been recommended to consult the surgeon about having a double mastectomy, and reconstruction. She says she thinks its a good idea for me to hear what the surgeon thinks. Then I will also talk to the radiology oncologist because she also thinks I may need radiation on my leg now that the support rod has been put in, I can focus on killing the cells that are eating my bone. I am for it. I am for talking to both these people... Its just alot to hear, to take in as you can imagine.
Good thing is the tumor marker count that they do when they take my blood had been going up and its now going down. My blood is tested and there is a number assigned. The number has been going up. Well today it was down, by 100 points. Last time it was 331, this time it was 221. She expects that the next count will be down to 100 which she says means that my cancer is in check and being maintained properly. Good news. The normal marker count for any person 38. So lets go 38! So its all scheduled, and when I see her again in November, she expects that all the surgery, and radiology will be complete. I will continue to get my zomeda treatments every 4 weeks. Then at the end of November, she will send me for new scans. So, so far that is what I know of my next 6 months. Its going to be pretty major. But hey, I did say reconstruction. Thats a good thing. I have been waiting to do this, even tho its a major thing. Chris also thinks if we cut out the brain the rest will die off. He has always said that, and none of the other doctors listened to us when we said we wanted to do this months ago. Everything happens when its supposed to I guess.
My leg has been ok for the most part. Everything healed up on the outside of my leg. I still feel pain in the part of the bone that has the lesion. I also feel the anchoring of the rod in my hip and my knee. They said it would take a while for the rod to fuse with my bone. Maybe thats what I feel. Everyone around me says its only been a month since my surgery. I am doing excellent considering that. I am just left with the remaining pain. I dont feel the stress on the bone that I used to before I had to rod to support me. I feel the pressure off of the bone when it comes to that.
I would say all in all, I am making forward progress. We were at the doc office all freakin day. We opened and closed that place. It took alll day, I was dying. Torture. I am glad I went and got it overwith. I have to go back in the morning to talk with pain management. I did tell my doctor how the did me in ICU. I was pissed that they didnt read my pain med chart and see that they werent giving me the right stuff. I didnt go through all that without being heard trust me. I dam near cussed every nurse in there out. They even asked me if I remember yelling at them. I was like Hell Yes I remember, and I will do it again. Do your dam job. Right. Why does it take the pain management 25 minutes to come when they page her? Lady, you know I am crying my ass off, and you take your sweet time. Oh believe me, she heard about it too...lol....But hey, all that is behind me. Time to march forward. Now I just need to keep this attitude the whole time is the trick. I will approach it like everything else.... Lets do this!
ReneeB.

Realizations

I wrote to the prayer response team at Joel Osteen ministries a while ago. I mean at the very beginning of all of this. He has been a big part of our lives, even before we found Father Michael. Even now that we have found Father M, we still catch Joel's sermons on TV. He has such a pleasant voice, and I love his point of view, his concepts... How he suggests we go through life. Its funny though, when I got a response I didnt, or couldnt read it all the way through right away. When I start reading it my mind wonders and I cant always get past the..Oh MY God am I really accepting advice about this, it means I have accepted everything that is happening... I dont want to do that!! I have mindf'ed myself into thinking that any acknowledgement of the "c" (Cold) I call it, I will give it more power. I wont do that. A lot of the time, I can not get through the responses. So I save it, share it with all of you, but I dont read it until I am blah about it, and I wont get emotional about it all. I have been very good in that I dont let myself get to emotional anymore. Or all the time I should say. So I finally read it all the way through. Do you know that it speaks to the fact that I have already been promised to be healed through Jesus? I have to sort of jump start the whole thing by my actions, by earning it I guess you could say. So what does the prayer say...?...., that I will earn my healing by the words that come out of my mouth. That is how I will basically earn my healing. Its so funny that when I finally read the prayers that were made for me all the way through, it validates everything that I have been trying to do by myself, without the guidance of anyone. Things like this blog. The pastor who made the prayer for me knew nothing about my blog. The words in the prayer validated me without knowing it by saying that I need to speak goodness to my fellow man, and I will earn the right to be healed. Some of you may say, I should not look at it like that. Why should I have to earn my healing? I deserve to be healed no matter what, just like anyone who is dealing with medical issues. Personally, I dont take it the wrong way. I think its ok if I work on my fellow man for a little while. What will it hurt to share some of my stories or happenings in my life? So what if someone learns from my mistakes, that is the point right? Who else would I want to learn from my mistakes than the people I love and care about who read my blog? I say mistakes like I regret things... and dont get me wrong. I dont regret one minute. I would love for everyone to learn whatever they can. I have learned that there are just some things that you can not teach someone who wont listen or insists on learning the hard way.. by themselves..an event in their life. I have talked till I am blue in the face about some things, and it doesnt help. The person has to experience it for themselves to learn the lesson. Then they come back to you and tell you the exact thing you have been telling them the whole time. What you tried to prevent, the hurt. They finally get it, after they go through it. Makes you want to pull your hair out and theirs, but hey, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is try, its up to the individual if they take the advice. You are just the messenger... if you choose to be. Other than that all you can do is try to do the right thing, try to pay it forward. Sometimes it is just as simple as smiling at someone else. I believe its contagious, and one smile will spark thousands.. thats the plan anyway! Good Spirits! Rae