Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Last Radiation & This Radiation

Having radiation again cant help but make me think of the first time I had radiation. I have been getting my second round and after my surgery I will getting almost 7 more weeks of radiation. I know that with both I have been very very tired. I don't know what it is about it that makes me tired. I am surprisingly strong when it comes to all of this. I don't expect myself to be super sick with burn marks and heaving over the toilet until the sun comes up. I refuse to put myself through even the thoughts of that. I got sick pretty much every day the first time. I also was getting the treatments through my stomach so I don't know if that had alot to do with it. I was taking all this medicine as well. The first radiation treatments were for my lower back (sacrum,S1,S2 area) but they did the radiation from that round of treatments through the front. It went through my abdomen including my stomach and uterus and ovaries. I was made baron because of it. I also needed doses that would have basically fried my spinal cord and paralyzed me to completely eradicate it. They gave me as high a dosage as they could. This later resulted in me getting a hysterectomy at age 31. Unable to have anymore children. Thank God I have a son because he is the last of the name. I had a responsibility to my father in law to provide a son. I have a daughter as well. When she came along my thoughts were that I already had a son, I would love another one to carry the name. I also would love a daughter which means I would have one of each. Best of either world I say. Anyway, I held on to that, and I had so much more on my plate that was more major than that. I never really have been able to mourn my future children. I have been busy enough fighting for my life.
It was funny because I was talking to my grandmother about it. She just had a hysterectomy herself a number of years ago. The doctor said she would be a good source of info for me when it comes to questions about the side effects. His thoughts were that there is good chance that you and your close family members would experience the same side effects. My mother and my grandmother have both had a hysterectomy so I was able to ask them both. I talked to them both about it and luckily they both didn't have many side effects at all. Hot flashes would be the main thing that we all 3 experienced. I had one of those comical moments in life while I was talking to my grandma about this. You see, she has 13 children. 8 boys, and 5 girls. Out of all the children including the wives of all my uncles, no one has had to seek out my grandma about this subject. I of all people was the one talking with her about it. Out of all the people in the family, I, her 2ND eldest grandchild, was the one seeking her guidance. I am now considered post-menopausal. When I heard that I kinda instantly for a moment felt like an old lady. I know mental thoughts are very powerful in influencing ones actions, whether you realize it or not, so I didn't let myself go there for very long. I did however have this instant flash of myself as an old lady with all gray hair all knotted up in a bun. Society has our minds trained that the stereotypes of every situation is what comes through as your first thoughts. I felt out of place because society never prepares young people to deal with those types of surgeries or situations. I know I wasn't mentally prepared for it. Most people are just planning their first child around my age.
I also experienced pain on a maximum level with the radiation. It is what started the seizure in my legs. It stated the nerve pain. The area where the tumor is located on my spine is intertwined with my spinal cord and wrapped up in my nerves. So no matter what, I knew I would be dealing with one pain or the other. It seemed to most intensive during the radiation. I feel like its putting up a fight. It doesn't want to die. I look at it like this, its going to get worse before it gets better. I am winning and its the last stand. That's the way I see it. So I will deal with the pain. It shows me I am winning!
I draw strength from not only myself, but from my husband Chris, and my kids. Trust me, we are a family unit that sticks together no matter what. Every family has ups and downs. We have really leaned on each other when needed and its a great feeling.

That's all for now...peace and love,
Renee B.