Friday, August 28, 2009

Breast Surgeon Follow Up

We had a follow up with the breast surgeon after we saw the plastic surgery doctor. It was to discuss what the next step was. On the bright side, even though I wont have immediate reconstruction it wont be long after. They are going to run tests to make sure they got it all. It will be those test results that determine if I have radiation on my left chest armpit area. If they are able to get it all then I will be cleared to get reconstruction. They talk about it so matter a fact like oh its just another surgery. That's the point. Another surgery. I am so sick of surgery I cant even say. Although I do not mean to sound like I am complaining. I know there are people who have to have many more than I do. Its never easy no matter what kind of surgery it is. I still am not happy about the situation. I am having a hard time giving up control of this thing. I don't want to be butchered. That's what it feels like. I am having a mental breakdown when it comes to thinking about this. I have been told that it wont make my life longer and it wasn't a cure, so why the hell are they telling me to do this. I want to be a whole person. I will essentially heal and then get cut again. Its a year of adjustments and they have to take skin from somewhere else to make it complete. I am having a very difficult time with this one. Anyway, I am supposed to find out about the radiation on my leg next Wed. After I know the plan from the radiation oncologist then I am supposed to call the surgeon back and let them know the plan. Then they can schedule my surgery. I am not thrilled about any of this. When I was told about this surgery they said nothing about any of this. I was not prepared for any of it. I think that is why I am having a hard time swallowing this pill. I still don't know what to do. Its torment. Its torture. Funny that I don't think about it all day. But when I do, the waterworks start. And I wont cry in front of my kids so I have to really get a hold of myself. I have to watch where they are and make sure they never see that part. Hopefully, I will not have to make the decision. The Lord will guide me without me having to do a thing. I have faith. Through it all I still have faith. Its all I have to hold onto.