Sunday, July 26, 2009

Stage 4

I want to talk a little about Stage 4. Its very scary. Before you can get to the healing you have to get over the horror of this phrase and all that is implied when it is said. I used to be held down by the title. If I had a title ever in my life I didn't expect it to be that. I have also seen that the women that come through Stage 2 or 3 or even 4 talk about how after its all said and done that everything they have been through turns out to be a blessing. I was startled at first when I saw that. How can this be a blessing? How? I had to adjust my thinking a bit. After all, these are women who have won their fight. I need to be in that frame of mind. So I start thinking about it. After a few weeks, I am starting to realize what they are talking about. I think that its very profound to even make this statement. Its very bold. Its almost unheard of. I know that if I wasn't forced to slow down I wouldn't have. I would have worked myself into a stuper, and how would that have been any better? I cant say what would have become of my career, and where I would be right now. All I know is that I am doing something greater than I could have ever done sitting in my office behind a desk and a computer. I am living my life to the fullest. I am getting to know the people I love. I am taking the time to be here for my kids, and whatever they want. I am slowing down so that I can get to know my own self, and what I am here to do on this earth. I do believe that we are all in this together. I truly believe that just being nice means so much to someone who is at their lowest. I know its all about your fellow man, not yourself. I am going to heal, and I am going out into this crazy world to help as many people as I can with my story. I am going to save as many women as I can just by telling them to care about themselves for a change. I am going to make a difference in someones life everyday if I can. Those are personal goals. The goals that I used to have were much different. It was all about me and getting the promotion, and paying off the cool car, and finishing paying for my house. Me me me. Its one way to go... Going through life knocking people out of their spot so you can take it. I used to be upset that this life was no longer available to me. Now I look at my former self and I think, wow, I didn't have a clue. The great feelings that come when you help someone is something I cant describe. I have had so many good things happen in my life. And I can tell you that none of that comes close to the good feelings that you can attain by doing the Lord's good work. I am a soldier of the Lord. You know at the beginning of this, because Stage 4 was a part of the first doctor visit, the doctor had to explain to me everything that he thought I needed to know about what was going on. During this conversation he spoke about the definitions of Stage 4. It was at that time he gave me 6 months. He said I would not live past 6 months. Its has been almost 3 years. That goes to show you that terms dont mean anything. Its the fight inside, its the will of your soul, its the determination of the spirit. I used to think that I needed the strength of others to help me along. I would want and almost need to see the people that I had around me. I used it to define myself. I knew who I was, part of that was based on my social life, and my friends and family. I soon found out that I was the only one who felt this way. I have seen the Lord bring people into my life and take people out. I lose a few and gain a hundred. I give everyone so much of a chance, that I dont really determine the good from the bad. I just try to give everyone a chance that I hope to get from people myself. Doesnt always work out that way. So if your like me, you have to take the signs from above. Check check and check. Hey no one said you are supposed to know everything. We learn as we go, thats all we can do. But learn, or you will be doomed to repeat it. I think its comical that grown men and women cant even grasp this concept. Owell, they will learn the hard way. And I will sit back and watch like people sit back and watch me. Difference is I put on a show, and I will have a grand finale, and a standing ovation. Some people I know will be lucky to have 10 people at their funeral. I dont know what to tell those people except... Good luck with that... More later, gotta go live my life...not wasting one second of it. Peace and love,