It Inches Closer

Boy have the feelings been flowing about this surgery. It so tough. More and more everyday I know its something that I have to do. I go back and forth everyday. Chris just basically layed it on the line and asked me if he had to beg me to stay with him. It hit me so hard. So many people are right with me, hurting with me, happy with me, or just there to talk if I need it. I always have to be conscious of the fact that I not only go through this for myself, I go through this so I can be here for the people around me on the other end of this. So many tears. So many anxieties about what is yet to come. I am in charge of my fate, and I am not going anywhere. I remind myself that the fight is in me, and I have to stand up to the challenge. I don't care how many times I get knocked down, I WILL get back up. I will be battered, bruised, crying, clawing, and out of breath, and as long as I am still breathing I have to remember that. This is why I scheduled my leg surgery so quick. The time is what gets to me. Waiting. More waiting. I have to know that this is right for me. I am ready to begin healing. I am ready to reach the top of my mountain. I am tired of the climb. I am ready to start climbing down now. I made it through another day. Thats all that matters.
RB

In this special moment in life...

Think freely. Practice patience.
Smile often. Savor special moments.
Live God's message. Make new
friends. Rediscover old ones. Tell
those you love that you do. Feel
deeply. Hope. Grow. Be crazy. Count
your blessings. Observe miracles.
Make them happen. Discard worry.
Give. Give in. Trust enough to take.
Pick some flowers. Share them. Keep
a promise. Look for rainbows. Gaze
at stars. see beauty everywhere.
Work hard. Be wise. Try to
understand. Take time for people.
Make time for yourself. Laugh
heartily. Spread joy. Take a chance.
Reach out. Let someone in. Try
something new. Slow down. Be soft
sometimes. Believe in yourself. Trust
others. See a sunrise. Listen to rain.
Reminisce. Cry when you need to.
Trust life. Have faith. Enjoy wonder.
Comfort a friend. Have good ideas.
Make some mistakes. Learn from
them. Celebrate life.

Jan Michelsen

Too Many Minds

I go through the week and the weekend both up and sometimes down. Most people including my family don't even know when I am down. I sometime cry in private. I cry with Chris. I cry with my mom. I am so tired of the crying, but it does good. It helps me to feel better sometimes. I know one thing is I have spent the past couple of days skimming a book called "The Secret"...the secret by the way is the law of attraction. It states in the book that our thoughts are things, they are what we are intending to do, want to do, don't want to do, and it leads to the things we attract to us through our thoughts. Its such a powerful thing that no one thinks about. No on thinks that their thoughts mean much, and its all going to happen how it happens anyway. I don't believe that. I do believe that we have a lot of control around what happens to us, or we try to make the best choices with what we have. We can not control the people around us. And if you sit around and wait for someone to do the right thing, well you will be waiting a long time my friend. Maybe your idea of the right thing is different from what someone else thinks. You align yourself with the people that you think will take care of you in a hard time. Someone that you can call in the time of need. I can say one thing. Chris is a good man. Christopher has a good heart. Kristen has a good mind. All of us are good at something, and all together we can become great if we choose to. Its our thoughts and actions that take us there. Most of the time people who do good are the silent ones in the back. No one knows that they do good. No one knows because they don't do it for the recognition. They do it because they are good people. I have spent many days here forced to be home everyday dealing with an illness that I did not choose to deal with. I gave up control. I gave up trying to map the way everyday. I try to just go with the flo. I cant change myself, I just try to adjust certain moments and actions to better myself or the relationship of whomever is in the moment with you. You cant force them though. So many times I have put myself out there to try to let the other person meet me halfway. You cant control the moments in their life either. They may be at a difficult moment in their own lives. I try to remember that as well. Maybe they are not at the same point of learning and growth that you are. Maybe your not on their level either. I put myself out there and was left dangling at times, and I have put myself out there and been pleasantly surprised of who steps forward to meet you halfway. Its never who you think it will be either. Its easy to forget other people have lives too, they have problems too, they have difficulties just as anyone else. One thing that has been hard for me to understand is when people are presented with the opportunity to do good, or help, or be called to give a hand, why people don't take advantage of it. Most of us work, and come home and have the same thing go on everyday, just waiting for an opportunity to do good because we are all so busy with life. When that time comes, its the ones learning, the ones that get it, that answer the call. I have been caught up in the hierarchy that is supposed to be in place. The brothers watch out for the sisters, the oldest watches over everyone, and we all get together as much as we can and bond. I have had very rude awakenings when it comes to family. Thoughts that I used to have, have completely changed. I almost feel naive talking about how it is "supposed" to be. There is no cookie cutter way for every family. The sooner you learn that the less heartache you will have. Believe me on that. The less tears, the less disappointments , the less down feelings that you will experience. Now it goes back to my thoughts are things. You control what you feel and think. So don't let yourself go there. Acknowledge it as a lesson learned, and don't think about it again. Think of fluffy marshmallows if you want, you can, they are your thoughts. Why sit around and be miserable all the time. Think about what you want, think about what you need, think about good times, think about how you can better yourself. Never take it to the negative place. Think about your goodness, and you will be surprised how much the goodness will multiply. Its a pleasant surprise. Prayers, Love, Hugs, to each and every one of you.

Renee B.

Breast Surgeon Follow Up

We had a follow up with the breast surgeon after we saw the plastic surgery doctor. It was to discuss what the next step was. On the bright side, even though I wont have immediate reconstruction it wont be long after. They are going to run tests to make sure they got it all. It will be those test results that determine if I have radiation on my left chest armpit area. If they are able to get it all then I will be cleared to get reconstruction. They talk about it so matter a fact like oh its just another surgery. That's the point. Another surgery. I am so sick of surgery I cant even say. Although I do not mean to sound like I am complaining. I know there are people who have to have many more than I do. Its never easy no matter what kind of surgery it is. I still am not happy about the situation. I am having a hard time giving up control of this thing. I don't want to be butchered. That's what it feels like. I am having a mental breakdown when it comes to thinking about this. I have been told that it wont make my life longer and it wasn't a cure, so why the hell are they telling me to do this. I want to be a whole person. I will essentially heal and then get cut again. Its a year of adjustments and they have to take skin from somewhere else to make it complete. I am having a very difficult time with this one. Anyway, I am supposed to find out about the radiation on my leg next Wed. After I know the plan from the radiation oncologist then I am supposed to call the surgeon back and let them know the plan. Then they can schedule my surgery. I am not thrilled about any of this. When I was told about this surgery they said nothing about any of this. I was not prepared for any of it. I think that is why I am having a hard time swallowing this pill. I still don't know what to do. Its torment. Its torture. Funny that I don't think about it all day. But when I do, the waterworks start. And I wont cry in front of my kids so I have to really get a hold of myself. I have to watch where they are and make sure they never see that part. Hopefully, I will not have to make the decision. The Lord will guide me without me having to do a thing. I have faith. Through it all I still have faith. Its all I have to hold onto.

Taking it All In

As I sit here working on a couple of websites I am doing, I think about the heavy decisions that weigh on my mind. I have so much invested in this life, I refuse to miss out on the good stuff. I am so pissed that they make me go on this roller coaster. I would have been better prepared for hearing the actual no. I know its for the best. I was just kinda hoping that I could combine 2 surgeries if I could. I have to get another, and another, and another surgery is what is alot for me to handle. We have gone along pretty well where my kids arent effected by what happens around them. I dont let them see me cry. Under any circumstances. I want them to always know I am a fighter, and I am fighting as best I can. If it takes saying good bye to the parts of me that need to go, then that is what it takes. I am scared to death, dont get me wrong. I am more nervous on this surgery than any other I have had. I dont know how to feel about it. I will be different. This is too much for me to wrap my head around. I am shaking in my skin. What am I going to do now?

Plastic Surgeon Visit

I had my visit yesterday with the plastic surgeon. It did not go well for me. I come away from the visit not liking this doctor, and I am going to relay those feelings to the breast surgeon tomorrow when I see her. I have a feeling she wants to schedule my surgery. I was told I would not be reconstructed at the same time they remove the left breast and armpit. There are so many variables that they don't know if it will actually be a bad time to do the reconstruction. For example, if they decide to radiate that area, they would have to remove the implant and I would start all over. It would be a step backwards. There is an issue with the chemo to affecting it. I don't know and I am so confused right now. I know I need this thing out of me, but they are going to remove pieces of me and I don't know how to feel about that. I can get reconstruction at a later time. It is a long process to reconstruct. It takes a year of expanding and adjusting and I would have to commit to a year of appointments on top of all my other appointments. Its best if I wait...
I am devastated, I am OK with it, I have been crying ever since I left there. I know it has to be done. Its more difficult than you could imagine. More later.. I cant do this right now......

Actually I am Lucky!

Reflecting is something that has caused me to realize that all in all, I am a pretty lucky girl. I have a great husband, I have 2 beautiful children. One of each, girl and a boy. That right there is enough to make me sit back and reflect. Some people want kids and cant have them. Some people don't want kids and wait until they are old as dirt to decide they want a kid, then cant or wont. There are tons of ladies out there who are still looking for that special guy. I found mine a long time ago. I lucked into having children at a young age, when I had enough energy to tend to them. My K is still young and going strong, but she helps much more than she needs. They are most wonderful. I told my mother that the way things ended up, if I didn't have kids young, I wouldn't have had kids. I know that is looking on the bright side. I still have my mind, I can still function, and I know that a lot of people have it worse than I do. I am humble. I know I am spiritually gaining boatloads, I know that mentally I am tougher than you could imagine. I know that inside, you couldn't rattle me if you jumped up and down on my head. I am steady. I have some of the best friends that a girl could ask for. I have loyalty. I have my grace. I have love. I do not regret. I learn and move forward. I would say all in all, I am dam lucky. And when I come out of this, still bobbin and weaving, I will have even achieved a new level of luck. I am a survivor. I am a hustler. I am a fighter. I will always fight for what is right, for what is good, and for what makes sense. I love hard, I care intensely, and I never walk away. I am here. I am happy. I am lucky. I have love surrounding me, lifting me up, and carrying me forward. I even love the haters because without them then you wouldn't know that you have something good in your life. My man will move the sun for me if its what I wanted. I will swim the sea for him if he asked me. I even have best friends. I don't sit here and say I don't have this, or that, or woe is me. Hell with all that. I do have everything that I want. I have had it for a long time. The rest was just maintenance. I am meant for something special. I get to say that I helped save lives! Can that be any cooler? I am rambling by now, I now it...lol... but I had to push that point home. I love me no matter how hard it can be at times. I sit here with a cracked rib, a steel leg, constant pain, unable to bear children, radiated, chemofied and I have to spend the rest of my life going to doctors. But you know what, I will go through every bit of it because I know how I am cared for by my friends. And my true family, knows that this is a learning process and they are learning right along with me. Its a roller coaster ride, no doubt.

Wire Bras

I have to put my public statement out there about wire bras. Due to the nature of my injury and the physical presence of a scar I know without a doubt that a wire injury from a bra in around 2005 caused the cancer that I am now facing. I know what your saying, it was cheap. No, I got this bra at Neimans. So it was not cheap. I was cut along the side of my left breast. It was a pretty good cut. It ended up healing and there was a scar but nothing major. Just like when you get a good cut anywhere it leaves a scar. This is where the cancer is now. The main area. I have told doctor after doctor this. All they say is there is no proof one way or another. I tell them I am the proof. When I saw the mammogram of my left breast, all you can see is a big black mass. I asked the doctor last time if they can differentiate the scar tissue from the cancer. His answer was NO! Can you believe that? Scar tissue comes up black. Cancer shows as black. Its all together. This is where is started. I want to tell all the women out there that if you get a wire injury from a bra, get it looked at and documented immediately. Sad thing is, I can not go after anyone for liability because the statute is really short. I couldn't even go after the doctors who misdiagnosed me because of the statute. It sucks. I know I would not have had a hard time proving my case. I actually was talking with several lawyers, but by the time they got back with me it was on the edge of the timeline. It wasn't long enough for anyone to gather a proper case together. So I have to just get the word out about this finally. I say I don't know why I am dealing with this, but I do actually. Its because of a wire bra. Just be careful out there ladies!

RB

WHAT IS NEXT?

So I realized that all this was taking place during the weeks my kids go back to school and I wont do the surgery if it effects them. To me, my numbers are going down anyways. Things are not out of whack. Its not a major emergency to do it NOW. I want to finish my radiation. Then I want to do the surgery. Only if they are going to do what I want. I wont budge. Its my one and only vessel and I wont take these decisions lightly.
Besides I think I cracked or maybe broke a rib late Sunday or Monday. I dont know how. All I know is they told me I had a cracked rib before from a scan and I didnt even know it. I actually heard a crack, and it feels like there is a break or a crack. Im like jeez, somethin else. I havent put a call into the doc yet, I have just been sleeping and not moving and taking it easy. I feel a little better right now. When I am all hopped up on these pain meds I dont feel a dam thing..lmao.. its no joke.
Well right now, they moved my appointments to Fri, and the follow up on next Wed. And the radiation date is for Thurs. They keep moving these things around, so I dont know if these dates are set in stone. We will see. Then I will let you know!

Well,
ttfn,
ReneeB.

Last week & weekend

Whats up guys?
I have been exhausted doing all that needs to be done before school. We have been up at the college all week and weekend getting Mijo's classes and schedule together. We also got Laffy Taffy's uniforms only to get a letter in the mail today that we bought the wrong color. So that sucks. I told Chris I am sending her in her white shirt the first day just to protest. Its not fair. Some of us don't wait until the last minute to buy their stuff, and they barely send a letter today? That's DISD for you.
My boy is a junior this year. Can you believe that? Its crazy. I have to prepare myself for him to have a career and life of his own...that's going to be crazy. But that is what we have been preparing him for this whole time. He also proves himself these two years, and automatically gets a scholarship to UTA. I think its awesome. Even though I lead the way, he is the one who has to do the work. He is the one who keeps himself in the program. He is the one who walks the walk. I am proud of him for stepping up to the pressure and surviving. One thing I have let that boy do this summer is sleep. He was so sleep deprived during the year. And this year he wants to get a job too! I dont know how all that is going to work, but we'll see. I dont want him to go to fast. I want him to see what his workload is going to be for the year.
My girl will probably go to the magnet school during elementary. They want her over there. I heard nothing but them trying all last year. Sending letters home with her and mailing them to the house. I did not want her to go in the middle of the year. I wanted her to start fresh for the year. She is fine where she is, with her friends. That is also important. She is getting social skills. I am going to do more research this year, and a tour of the school. If I like what I see I will put her in.
Thing is, at the end of the year when we did all the end of year stuff, her TAG teacher pulled me aside and told me K was the smartest person in the class. She said she felt bad some of the assignment that she gave her because she knew it was too easy. But she couldnt leave the other kids behind just for 1 kid. I understood. Thats what I go up against if I dont move her. She will get bored and act out. I will check it out.
I never put my boy in a magnet school. He was always in TAG (Talanted and Gifted). They want my girl early..lol. I have her plan all lined up, just like I did for my boy. I know what my kids are going to do from birth, please, I got it like that!...lol... no really, I have always known what to do for them. Basically what wasnt done for me. Dont we always say that as parents. There is always something we craved as kids, and didnt get. We always know that in hindsight. So we learn from it, or we repeat it. Well I definately learn from what goes on in my life, and what to do next. So this weekend was full, and tiring but we got it done. Thats all that matters! Salute!
Rae

My Guys!

I have to show much love to my guys, my pals, my friends, my family Crae, Judy, Mike, Reatha, and Sandy. I can know without a doubt that you guys have my back no matter what. I know that nothing stupid will ever come between us, that you support me, care about me, and are there for me to laugh, cry, play, or just hang out. I know the things that are valuable in this life, and it isn't the big house, the "cool" car, or money, its who is going to be there for you in the end. Mind you, I have worked for and with billionaires. People really let their true colors show when the going gets tough. People tuck tail and run, say and don't do, and have things to say when others are brave enough to stick it out. I have been accused of alot of things during all this. I have even been accused of "faking it" and this was from one of my family members. I can give it face by saying that it affects me but truthfully it does not. I know who to give weight to and who not to. Some fooled me for a long time, but the truth always comes out. The best thing about the truth is that its not something you have to keep up with, or be fake about. I am truthful no matter what, I never worry about what I told this person or the story I need to keep straight. I don't have to call everyone in the family and make sure everyone knows my side. These are the stupid things that go on around me from people who are sadly my blood. The bright side of that is I know that the opposite of that is greatness. Its good times. Its love. Its priceless. Its true friendship. Its happiness. Its bonding. Its having someone to lean on. There are very few people in my life for whom I label golden, and these precious souls are golden to me. I would do anything for any one of these guys and I know the feeling is mutual. Squish Squish, tear, tear, smile, smile. I can handle tears of joy any day! The real test is who is going to be there for you in your trying days, in the battle of your life. I used to think the way you treated people mattered on how they treated you back. I am now a little wiser. There are some good fakers out there. Truth is, good people are good people no matter what. Perpetrators are the ones who are only there when they can get something out of it, or they need you for your connections or your skill set. Then they move on. No love, no care, no righteousness, no guilt. I cant be paranoid about it and I wont. I will be me no matter what. That's all I can be.I have to say I appreciate having you guys in my life muchos besos! Renee

Forgiveness (to those of us who arent mental...RB)

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-13-09

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"
(Isaiah 43:18, NIV)



TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Every person, no matter how much faith they have or how good a person they are will face disappointments. It may be something simple like not getting that promotion you really hoped for, or not closing that big deal you worked so hard on. Maybe you didn't qualify for a house you really wanted. Or, it may be something more serious like a relationship not working out, the death of a loved one, or some kind of illness in your body. Whatever it may be, the reality is that we’re all going to suffer some setbacks. But I believe one of the main keys to overcoming disappointments is learning to let go of the past. The past weighs you down and holds you back.

If you feel "stuck" today, you may want to examine what you're holding on to. Be willing let go of the past by choosing forgiveness. Who hurt you? Who wronged you? Release it to God. Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to receive God's forgiveness? Make the choice today to let go of the past so that you can experience the bright future God has in store for you!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, search my heart and mind today. Show me any area where I may be holding on to the past. Help me to receive Your forgiveness so that I can extend forgiveness to others and move forward in the wonderful plan You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

August 13, 2009

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
The chance to draw back,
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation,
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance of which kills coutless ideas
And endless plans:
That the moment one definitaley commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
Raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance,
Which no one could have dreamed would come their way.
Whatever you can do or dream you can.
Begin.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Begin it now.


A passage from German philosopher Johanne Goethe

Breast Surgery Update

Chris went with me to this appointment. I thought it was to get a treatment, but when I got there I found out I was seeing the breast surgeon. I was like... ok... I didn't have any prep time, only my waiting room time to get myself strong in the mind and heart and build myself up for this visit. Each one is a hurdle, and I have to brace myself for anything that the doctors say to me. So I was warned that a resident would come in first.. for the teaching program... and this guy was a total douche... (excuse me Father)... he had no bedside manner. He examined me. He flat out told me that this surgery is not a cure and would not extend my life. I mean what do you say to someone that says that to you. So I heard whatever else he had to say, I wanted him to leave and I wanted to see the real doctor. While we were waiting I happened to see my oncologist walking by. I guess she was going home for the day. When she walking by she saw me in the waiting room and came back and asked me what I was doing there. I told her I was there to see the breast surgeon. She said... "oh ok"... I told her that I saw the first doctor and he did not give me good news. He said everything opposite from what I was told before. She asked me who it was, and I told her. She said, "Oh well wait for the real doctor to come in before you take a position on it." I told her I would and she left after I introduced her to Chris. So we waited forever. Now when I get a new doctor the wait time is FOREVER because my file is so big. They have alot to catch up on. She examined me. She told me that if I choose to do the surgery that she would remove the left breast and the left armpit. It will not be a double mastectomy, only the left side. Then she hit me with it. She told me that they usually don't reconstruct someone at my stage. My case is so rare that I may still have a chance, but she warned me that they do not reconstruct Stage 4 patients. I guess they think its a waste of time and money. It does not send me a good message. I do not pay attention to it. Its a roadblock yes, but if that is the case I will not have my surgery here, I will go somewhere where they will reconstruct me. This is probably the most scared I have been on a surgery. My nerves are all over the place. Its the one reason it took me so long to write this blog. I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon next week. Somehow all my treatment appointments have been taken over by all these other appointments...i.e. radiation, bone scan, plastic surgeon, and the breast surgeon. Not to mention my normal oncology appointments with my doctor. I was told that it was because they wanted to wait until I do the bone scan to see what effect the treatments are doing. The bone scan is 3 hours long. I will do it though. I haven't had to do scans since I had like a hundred scans at the beginning of this. I will be there to do them all. I am brought back down to reality. Its not that I get my hopes up or down, I am in the middle always. I can not let myself be all over the place. If I do then I set myself up for disappointment. I just let whatever happen that is supposed to happen and I go with the flo as best I can. I believe that is what will get me through all of this. I have been in good spirits lately. Everything is still going on around me but I stick with a positive mood, living in God's favor, bringing the love straight to me from all the people around me. My kids, my husband. Christopher is the best. Chris has been so great I cant even tell you. Every girl should have a guy like him. He would do anything for me, I am lucky to have him. I sit here and wait for the next appointment on the 17th with the plastic surgeon to find out if I am able to be reconstructed. The breast surgeon showed me where she would cut if I get reconstruction. Reconstruction does not just happen the day of the surgery. Its a series of surgeries, and visits to maintain the expander. I have been researching other blogs and women that have already been through it. Just to get an idea...Well that is all I have for now. I know its tedious but it must be done. I leave you in the Grace and Favor of the Lord. Renee B.

Surgery Update

So they snuck the breast surgeon appointment in on me, or changed it at the last minute I should say so instead of a treatment I talked with the breast surgeon and got first the resident's thoughts and then the doctors thoughts on the whole situation. I am still trying to wrap my head around what was said. I am being referred to the plastic surgeon now. I dont know if that is good or bad. Still my decision whether I go through with this thing or not. Its a pretty big decision. I have wanted to have these conversations, I also wanted some prep time to hear what they say. These visits never get any easier. Its always something major everytime. I once want to go to a normal update where nothing is said or there is no news to be given, no decision to be made. That wouldnt be life I guess. I will be able to put it in words soon enough, not yet. It took me a bit to call my mom, she was unable to go to this appointment with me, Chris went. He is all for the surgery, cut off the head the rest dies he says. I am taking so much of this into account. I hope to hear the right things from the plastic surgeon, I know better than to have my hopes up for any reason. Go in ready for anything. Its not that I have my hopes down, but I wont purposely piss myself off if I can avoid it..lol. That is common sense. So maybe next post I can formulate into words my last visit. Its a doozy.....

Treatment

I go for my treatment this week. It usually gives me energy. Its not degenerative. The accessing of my port is the only painful part. They have the cream to numb the area. I have some somewhere. My view is I can handle it. Lets get it done. So talk to you later. Cheers.

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-5-09

Look Beyond


TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"…Lift up now your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward;"
(Genesis 13:14, AMP)



TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
God has a place of victory in store for you today! You may be facing challenges. You may look around you and see impossible circumstances. In the natural, it may look like things won’t ever change, but God is saying today, “Quit looking at your circumstances and look up! Lift up your eyes of faith and look beyond where you are because there is victory as far as the eye can see!

Your enemies may have some power today, but remember, our God is All Powerful! There’s no foe that can stand against Him. Those things you are facing are temporary, but God Almighty is eternal. He’s the God who flung the stars into space. He’s the God who spoke the world into existence. When He said, “Let there be light,” light came at 186,000 miles per second. That’s power and that’s the God we serve.

I encourage you to stand strong today. Keep believing because He is working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you lift your eyes to Him, as you focus on His goodness, He will guide you and direct you in the path of victory in every area of your life!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, today I choose to lift up my eyes of faith toward You. Thank You for surrounding me with Your goodness and mercy. Thank You for believing in me and for preparing a good future for me. Fill my heart with Your peace and confidence as I continue to trust You in every area of my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.