Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Overcoming to Start Over

I have been critical of myself during this whole experience because all the sudden I was faced with worst case scenario. I had to pull all my strength and knowledge together. I am still having to make life changing decisions that will effect me for the rest of my life. I have been able to handle a lot of things in my life. I mean a LOT. I know everyone has a story and I don't mean to sound like my story is better or worse than anyone, I am just saying I became very aware of myself when I needed me the most. It became my struggle to even show up for myself everyday. I have had many hard days and wondered why I have had to face things in this way or that way. I have had a real wake up call is what it all boils down too. What I am also realizing is I like the person I am becoming when I shed all the sorrow and show up for myself. I felt like I wasn't enough for even myself sometimes. I have been lost and found and lost and found. I go to a place where I am numb and I don't think about anything. We go on living like nothing is wrong. I just have to adjust to living with chronic pain and suffering. I have been able to do it quite well. I often am able to ignore pain. Its amazing what you can train yourself to do. I train myself so people don't even know I am in pain. I try to make it comfortable for everyone. I don't sit out in front of everyone and take my hand fulls of this is my own private fight. I have realized that whatever I am meant for in this life, I have to be strong enough to show up for me. I don't need anyone else to root for me, I don't need anyone else to be there for me but me. Don't get me wrong, my team does keep me afloat so I can even have this mindset. I am able to be me because they are able to love me for being me. Its a great feeling when you can be genuine and you get genuine back. I love my family, and I love the people that are there for me. They say when you have been through so much you can't even bare going on, that when you do get the strength to take another step, you will be so glad you did. You are walking into the light, the best, most healing, most loving, most caring place that you could ever imagine. Its a major thing to shed the negative in your life. It is a great place on the other side, I am a witness to that. And I have to give credit to my faith. I have faith in my angels, my loving Lord, whom carries me everyday to the next. Only say the word, and I shall be healed... Amen!