I Made the Call

After much suffering and trying to just make it to my scans, I made the call. I left a message and let them know that I was in severe pain. I could only get up for a few minutes at a time and I have to time my meds just right and take them right before I attempt to do anything. Anyway,
She called me back the next day, as is standard to do, and told me that my doctor moved my scans up a whole month. So Mon, Tues, Wed, of next week I get to do all my appointments including my Zomeda on Wed. Zomeda is technically chemo but it is not degenerative, its regenerative. The intention is to feed my bones. I get treatments that women with osteoporosis get. Whatever works you know.
Anyway,
This is why I said that I would enjoy my good news while I can because on Tues. (scans being Monday) I will get to find out if the cancer had spread to any new places, if its in my lungs or liver, and if its now in my left femur bone and what the plan will be for it. I already know that if it doesn't regenerate fast enough I will need the steel rod. It is the same surgery that anyone who breaks or has a fracture in that bone needs.
With all this in mind, I brace myself and I don't have a point of view. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I numb myself and sort of rise out of my body when she talks. I act like its not me. Whatever trick I can pull that day to help me through the appointment is OK with me. I finally realized why I was having panic attacks before my appointments. I mean bad. I never knew what a panic attack was before that. I finally realized that every time I have been to the doctor over the past 2 years I have gotten bad news. I have to deal with something else then something else then something else. Just when I think I have heard it all, it cant get any worse the bottom drops out. And this had been every 2 weeks for 24 months. I am surprised I haven't cracked before. On top of the meds, on top of trying to run the house, on top of keeping up with financing, and also trying to be a mother and a wife who can walk, hasn't been able to cook, and on and on... I know I am hard on myself. I am still coping with it all but I do the best I can. I will never let it keep me down I know that. I don't care if I can only stand for a minute or two at a time right now, I will be up doing what I need to do. When my body tells me enough for right now, I listen. Its the best I can do now.
I wanted to share that at least I go for scans Monday, see my doctor Tues for the results, and go for pain management and my treatment on Wed. I don't need to pep myself up for this one, and I do not have any panic feelings right now. I am taking care of business. All I ask is for them to give it to me straight. They all know that if I find out I need surgery I tell them to schedule the first day available from that moment. Why drag it out is my feelings. Lets do it and I will be back home faster, and healing faster. I have the healing down to an art...lol.. I always hear, "Well Renee, you sure are looking good"... now I hear it 2 ways. I hear it one way as wow, you look good for all you have been through, and you look bad ass for what you just went through and your already up and walking around. You are a miracle.
The other way I hear it is, wow you sure are looking good, like a smart ass, like I make a big deal over nothing because look at me, I am already walking and getting around. Now here is where I choose to take the higher road over dopes that have no intelligence.
I know that when they tell me that I will be walking around with a walker for a month, and I scrap that sucker in 2-3 days and start walking on my own, after a major surgery that I am a bad ass chick. All I think is they would never be able to do what I do. And I am the one who is "supposed" to be "sick"..

More as I get it,

Peace and love,
Renee