My lovely niece was born on the 9th of June. I chose to have my surgery before she was born on purpose so I would have no problems holding her, seeing her, picking her up..
She is beautiful!
About Renee and my blog!
- Renee Bravo
- Dallas, TEXAS, United States
- I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer at the age of 29 years old. I am a work in progress. I am learning, growing, and trying to raise awareness for Early Detection. I believe in Girl Power and the power of Prayer. I am a mother, a wife, a strong woman in the 30th century. I have zero history in my family, and I have tested negative for the BRCA gene. I should not be facing this right now, but I am. I figure its for a reason. I decided to share my experiences more for awareness but also a place for my family to get updates. I do not send out email updates to anyone, I post it here. Here I am, I hold nothing back. If I ask anything, its to learn something from what I have been through, and make your life better because of it, treat someone better because of it, love someone more genuinely because of it. And most important of all, make sure all the women in your life have regular mammograms or MRI's. No choice. I believe 40 is too long to wait. Women today need to start early. I would love to hear or talk to any of you. God Bless.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Back in business
Darn dog chewed the internet cord. I have been jotting down my notes. I have to catch up bigtime!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Home From Hospital
I am very tired. I wrote this whole thing out already, and the computer didnt save it. I am just argh! over it. My fellow computer nerds out there kn0w my pain. I saved it DARNIT! And the program did not keep up with me. I type tooo fast. Owell. I will just do it again. In the mean time, I have a picture until I can get up enough strength to get back over here and sit and type it all again...
This is the top part of my leg and the bruising that has come with it. Owie. So I will get all the rest back on here after I take a rest.
Long story short, the 1 hour surgery took 3. I was in intensive care for 8 hours after that. I stopped breathing 3 times. I finally got a room of my own that night. I was only supposed to be there 1 day. I was in 3. I finally got home last night. I will fill in all the details shortly. Time to go take my meds, rest and I will be back very soon.
Thanks to my Chris, Christopher, Kristen, Mom , Lisa, Joe, Judy, Crae, Mikey, Jessica, Di, Grandma C. My hospital stay was bearable because of you guys. Mom, Chris, I couldnt have done it without you.
Shout out to Amelia, June, and Kim my f/b pals. I got your wall posts. I havent had a chance to check the rest of my messages. Thanks Jorge & Janet for the lasagna dinner tonight. Not to mention the strawberries, cherries, pineapple, and salad. You guys are the best. Lord knows I wont be cooking for a couple weeks! Its ok, I am bionic now I just need to fully heal.
My mother also said that Jesus was nailed too. I laughed. I never thought of that. She asked me if I put it in my blog. So here it is. I am nailed just like Jesus. I often make comparisons. If he can endure these atrocities then I can humbly suffer in silence in his honor. It makes me feel good about the pain if you can believe it. Ok, she has really lost it...lol... is what some of you may be thinking. I have a sense of humor about it also. I am just put in my place when I put it in those terms. Jesus Walks! and I will too...
Love to all!
Glory to God!
Thanks for all the prayers!
Thanks for sending angels!
Keep them coming!
Renee B.
This is the top part of my leg and the bruising that has come with it. Owie. So I will get all the rest back on here after I take a rest.
Long story short, the 1 hour surgery took 3. I was in intensive care for 8 hours after that. I stopped breathing 3 times. I finally got a room of my own that night. I was only supposed to be there 1 day. I was in 3. I finally got home last night. I will fill in all the details shortly. Time to go take my meds, rest and I will be back very soon.
Thanks to my Chris, Christopher, Kristen, Mom , Lisa, Joe, Judy, Crae, Mikey, Jessica, Di, Grandma C. My hospital stay was bearable because of you guys. Mom, Chris, I couldnt have done it without you.
Shout out to Amelia, June, and Kim my f/b pals. I got your wall posts. I havent had a chance to check the rest of my messages. Thanks Jorge & Janet for the lasagna dinner tonight. Not to mention the strawberries, cherries, pineapple, and salad. You guys are the best. Lord knows I wont be cooking for a couple weeks! Its ok, I am bionic now I just need to fully heal.
My mother also said that Jesus was nailed too. I laughed. I never thought of that. She asked me if I put it in my blog. So here it is. I am nailed just like Jesus. I often make comparisons. If he can endure these atrocities then I can humbly suffer in silence in his honor. It makes me feel good about the pain if you can believe it. Ok, she has really lost it...lol... is what some of you may be thinking. I have a sense of humor about it also. I am just put in my place when I put it in those terms. Jesus Walks! and I will too...
Love to all!
Glory to God!
Thanks for all the prayers!
Thanks for sending angels!
Keep them coming!
Renee B.
Home from Hospital
Note: Recovered my lost draft, high five to my fellow geeks out there. I wasnt going to give up that easy... anyway... on with the post...
I was discharged from the hospital yesterday in the evening time. I would like to start from the beginning and talk about the surgery. I was very nervous, had almost no sleep as I previously posted. I knew I needed to do this. I chose to do this. And I was ready, believe me, just a little nervous. So I was told to be there at 8am. The second surgery of the day. Chris gets us there around 10 minutes early. We had already gotten the kids to schools. It so happened to be the day of the award ceremony for Kristen's perfect attendance. I was so down when I realized it was the same day. When I scheduled the surgery I only wanted the first day available. I wasnt even thinking about her award ceremony. Luckily my lovely aunt Judy offered to go video record it for me so I wouldnt miss it. My girl had her own cheering section, everyone went to support her. She set her mind to perfect attendance and ended up getting straight a's along with perfect attendance. I will update you on the trophy situation later. For those who were there you know.. for all others I will explain in another post. So... I get changed, and into my bed. I had already done all the pre-op things I needed to do. Basically all I had to do today was show up, get changed and get into bed. All complete!
So now I go to get my IV in. The woman decided to put it on the part of my wrist that bends, not thinking about the fact that I will be using a walker later... I will talk about the suffering I endured because of the placement of the IV. SO...
I am ready to go, I kiss Chris goodbye. The last I see him he is standing in the middle of the hallway telling me he loves me, holding my bag and my book. The last he saw of me, my hands were raised in the air in the champion stance, and I yelled, I AM COMING BACK BIONIC! He laughed. Through the double doors I go.
They wheel me into a room, like a holding place to double make sure my identity, they ask me my name, bday, and why I am there, which leg and all. I almost marked up my left leg and said, do not operate..wrong leg...lol...no really..lol. Anyway, all that is done, and a woman comes in the room and says, "Im taking her." and off I go. She wheels me to the operating area.
I am laying on the stretcher and a man comes up and says, "I am going to give you something to make you relax." Thats the last thing I remember....lol.
The next thing I know...
I wake up to someone sorta shaking me asking me if I am awake and telling me its over, Im done. Im like, no way. I had to ask the next lady walking by if I was really done. She says yes, so I was like, I must be done..lol.
Then all the sudden all I remember is pain like I have never ever ever felt before. It was excruciating. I started immediately crying hard..harder than I ever have. I told them to give me something now, please. After I got my senses a little when the pain came, I realized I was in intensive care. The surgery that was only supposed to be 45 minutes, took 3 hours in my case. The pain medicine they were giving me was almost a joke. I asked them if they looked at my charts and if they knew my tolerance was very very high. The medicine they gave me for the next 8 hours in ICU did nothing for me, the pain was so bad that I asked them why they woke me up. I was pissed at this point. The pain doctor that was paged over and over again, didnt c0me for almost 25 minutes. At this point I was more than pissed, crying, and my leg was felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer to it over and over again. I started practically yelling, "Where is she, why isnt she here, this is ridiculous, please someone do something." The nurse who had to have approval to give me anything else from the doctor that was taking forever just gave it to me. She said she wasn't waiting anymore. The medicine she gave me had no affect. The lady got there finally and I said.... "Where were you?" "I cant take it, please....."
I overheard the list of meds they gave me. It was enough to knock an elephant out. It still had no affect on me. I finally asked if they can just put me back to sleep. She said "Do you think that will help?" I was like... YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her that I didnt feel anything when I was asleep. She asked if I remembered what they gave me to relax me at the beginning of all this, and that is what she would give me. I said THANK YOU THANK YOU... PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME. I also in the midst of all my crying apologized over and over to all involved. I told them I wasnt trying to be difficult, that it hurt so bad. I then just remember, nothing but being half asleep and half awake. I was hyperventilating until I finally got enough oxygen to help me relax fully. It was finally enough to make me relax, and try to recover a little bit from this surgery. Then all I remember is all the alarms going off and everyone saying breathe. breathe Renee. Apparently I stopped breathing 3 times during all the pain medicine fiasco. I, each time, was able to come back quickly and start breathing again. I wasnt far away or anything. My blood pressure was just so low, my pulse low, and my breathing shallow are all side effects of the pain medicine they gave me. They finally got me somewhat under control. Around then is when they gave me a pump that fed me medicine every 6 minutes. All I had to was push the button. It was around then I finally got a room.
In the midst of being half awake and half asleep, they allowed Chris to come visit me for 5 minutes. It was probably the 6th hour of me being in ICU. I tried to be so brave for him. I knew they had been waiting almost 9 hours when they were only supposed to be waiting 1 hour. They were scared. I was scared too. I just cried and told him that I have been crying since I woke up. I told him I was sorry. I was really trying to be brave for everyone, most of all me. I didnt want all of the good feelings about this to come crashing down around me. I did not expect any of this. No one did. It was traumatic. All I could say was it hurts. It hurts. He told me to hang on as he always does. He held his composure even though he was walking into a mess. I would not have been able to see him like that. He is so strong. I am so lucky. My mother and him are the dynamic duo, they take care of everything. And my kids, and Lisa, and Jess make sure I have everything else. I am lucky to have them.
So Judy had to go, she had Mikey, and they waited as long as they could. As we all thought, I would be out in an hour and everyone would be able to see me. The kids had to be picked up from school, and Judy had to go because Reatha was coming home. Judy had to take the baby home and also pic up Unc Crae from work. When I finally got a room in the night, I was so out of it, and so tired. I was just glad to be out of intensive care. I got a room by myself. I was so glad. No one else was in there. My doctors were great about seeing me, checking on me. I was only supposed to be in the hospital 1 day. It ended up being 3. I had to stay longer due to my pain.
My pain management doctor came to see me and asked me how I was. She said that they convert everything back to morphine when calculating pain meds. I was up to 300 mg of morphine a day for my pain. My pills were only half that, so they could not just cut me off and then send me home with half strength pain medicine compared to what I was getting. I was telling her about my experience with the pain, and how much it hurt. She also asked me if I had ever seen a orthopedic surgery. I said no. She said it is pretty brutal. She said they have carpenters tools in there. They literally hammer things into place, use all kinds of tools that they normally dont use in a surgery. She told me I had been through a traumatic experience.
I will post about the rest of my stay in another posting. It will about when I got to my room and then on..
Till then,
I call on my angels to give me strength and healing, Amen.
Renee
I was discharged from the hospital yesterday in the evening time. I would like to start from the beginning and talk about the surgery. I was very nervous, had almost no sleep as I previously posted. I knew I needed to do this. I chose to do this. And I was ready, believe me, just a little nervous. So I was told to be there at 8am. The second surgery of the day. Chris gets us there around 10 minutes early. We had already gotten the kids to schools. It so happened to be the day of the award ceremony for Kristen's perfect attendance. I was so down when I realized it was the same day. When I scheduled the surgery I only wanted the first day available. I wasnt even thinking about her award ceremony. Luckily my lovely aunt Judy offered to go video record it for me so I wouldnt miss it. My girl had her own cheering section, everyone went to support her. She set her mind to perfect attendance and ended up getting straight a's along with perfect attendance. I will update you on the trophy situation later. For those who were there you know.. for all others I will explain in another post. So... I get changed, and into my bed. I had already done all the pre-op things I needed to do. Basically all I had to do today was show up, get changed and get into bed. All complete!
So now I go to get my IV in. The woman decided to put it on the part of my wrist that bends, not thinking about the fact that I will be using a walker later... I will talk about the suffering I endured because of the placement of the IV. SO...
I am ready to go, I kiss Chris goodbye. The last I see him he is standing in the middle of the hallway telling me he loves me, holding my bag and my book. The last he saw of me, my hands were raised in the air in the champion stance, and I yelled, I AM COMING BACK BIONIC! He laughed. Through the double doors I go.
They wheel me into a room, like a holding place to double make sure my identity, they ask me my name, bday, and why I am there, which leg and all. I almost marked up my left leg and said, do not operate..wrong leg...lol...no really..lol. Anyway, all that is done, and a woman comes in the room and says, "Im taking her." and off I go. She wheels me to the operating area.
I am laying on the stretcher and a man comes up and says, "I am going to give you something to make you relax." Thats the last thing I remember....lol.
The next thing I know...
I wake up to someone sorta shaking me asking me if I am awake and telling me its over, Im done. Im like, no way. I had to ask the next lady walking by if I was really done. She says yes, so I was like, I must be done..lol.
Then all the sudden all I remember is pain like I have never ever ever felt before. It was excruciating. I started immediately crying hard..harder than I ever have. I told them to give me something now, please. After I got my senses a little when the pain came, I realized I was in intensive care. The surgery that was only supposed to be 45 minutes, took 3 hours in my case. The pain medicine they were giving me was almost a joke. I asked them if they looked at my charts and if they knew my tolerance was very very high. The medicine they gave me for the next 8 hours in ICU did nothing for me, the pain was so bad that I asked them why they woke me up. I was pissed at this point. The pain doctor that was paged over and over again, didnt c0me for almost 25 minutes. At this point I was more than pissed, crying, and my leg was felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer to it over and over again. I started practically yelling, "Where is she, why isnt she here, this is ridiculous, please someone do something." The nurse who had to have approval to give me anything else from the doctor that was taking forever just gave it to me. She said she wasn't waiting anymore. The medicine she gave me had no affect. The lady got there finally and I said.... "Where were you?" "I cant take it, please....."
I overheard the list of meds they gave me. It was enough to knock an elephant out. It still had no affect on me. I finally asked if they can just put me back to sleep. She said "Do you think that will help?" I was like... YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her that I didnt feel anything when I was asleep. She asked if I remembered what they gave me to relax me at the beginning of all this, and that is what she would give me. I said THANK YOU THANK YOU... PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME. I also in the midst of all my crying apologized over and over to all involved. I told them I wasnt trying to be difficult, that it hurt so bad. I then just remember, nothing but being half asleep and half awake. I was hyperventilating until I finally got enough oxygen to help me relax fully. It was finally enough to make me relax, and try to recover a little bit from this surgery. Then all I remember is all the alarms going off and everyone saying breathe. breathe Renee. Apparently I stopped breathing 3 times during all the pain medicine fiasco. I, each time, was able to come back quickly and start breathing again. I wasnt far away or anything. My blood pressure was just so low, my pulse low, and my breathing shallow are all side effects of the pain medicine they gave me. They finally got me somewhat under control. Around then is when they gave me a pump that fed me medicine every 6 minutes. All I had to was push the button. It was around then I finally got a room.
In the midst of being half awake and half asleep, they allowed Chris to come visit me for 5 minutes. It was probably the 6th hour of me being in ICU. I tried to be so brave for him. I knew they had been waiting almost 9 hours when they were only supposed to be waiting 1 hour. They were scared. I was scared too. I just cried and told him that I have been crying since I woke up. I told him I was sorry. I was really trying to be brave for everyone, most of all me. I didnt want all of the good feelings about this to come crashing down around me. I did not expect any of this. No one did. It was traumatic. All I could say was it hurts. It hurts. He told me to hang on as he always does. He held his composure even though he was walking into a mess. I would not have been able to see him like that. He is so strong. I am so lucky. My mother and him are the dynamic duo, they take care of everything. And my kids, and Lisa, and Jess make sure I have everything else. I am lucky to have them.
So Judy had to go, she had Mikey, and they waited as long as they could. As we all thought, I would be out in an hour and everyone would be able to see me. The kids had to be picked up from school, and Judy had to go because Reatha was coming home. Judy had to take the baby home and also pic up Unc Crae from work. When I finally got a room in the night, I was so out of it, and so tired. I was just glad to be out of intensive care. I got a room by myself. I was so glad. No one else was in there. My doctors were great about seeing me, checking on me. I was only supposed to be in the hospital 1 day. It ended up being 3. I had to stay longer due to my pain.
My pain management doctor came to see me and asked me how I was. She said that they convert everything back to morphine when calculating pain meds. I was up to 300 mg of morphine a day for my pain. My pills were only half that, so they could not just cut me off and then send me home with half strength pain medicine compared to what I was getting. I was telling her about my experience with the pain, and how much it hurt. She also asked me if I had ever seen a orthopedic surgery. I said no. She said it is pretty brutal. She said they have carpenters tools in there. They literally hammer things into place, use all kinds of tools that they normally dont use in a surgery. She told me I had been through a traumatic experience.
I will post about the rest of my stay in another posting. It will about when I got to my room and then on..
Till then,
I call on my angels to give me strength and healing, Amen.
Renee
Time of your life..... By: Green Day
This was one of the best times that we have all ever had. I have a special place in my heart for New Orleans. The music, the people, that dancing. Its a great time to be had, if you can hang...lol.
(This is a picture of Chris, Bronco, Alan, Carol, and myself. We were on our hotel on Bourbon Street on our balcony during Mardi Gras. It was the time of our lives for sure!)
Time of Your Life
Green Day
Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
(music break)
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
(This is a picture of Chris, Bronco, Alan, Carol, and myself. We were on our hotel on Bourbon Street on our balcony during Mardi Gras. It was the time of our lives for sure!)
Time of Your Life
Green Day
Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
(music break)
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Nervous
So I can not sleep. I am nervous. I was more nervous for my hysterectomy. If I got through that, this should be a breeze. Still surgery is still nerve-wrecking. I am nervous, but the natural kind. I am so ready to do this, you wouldn't believe. I am coming out bionic. lolololol....
LIVE YOUR LIFE
If I ever had a theme song, this is it..
Live Your Life
By: T.I. & Rihanna
You're gonna be a shining star,
With fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Aint got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.
T.I.:
Never mind what haters say, ignore 'em 'til they fade away
Amazing their ungrateful, after all the game I gave away
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today
You'd still be wasting days away, now had I never saved the day
Consider them my protégé, homage I think they should pay
Instead of being gracious, they violate in a major way
Ive never been a hater, still I love them in a crazy way
Some say they sold ya and no they couldn't get work on Labor day
It ain't that black or white, there's an area in the shade of gray
I'm west side anyway, even if I left today and stayed away
Some move away to make a way, not move away 'cause they afraid
I brought back to the hood and all you ever did was take away
I pray for patience but they make me want to melt their face away
Like I once made them spray, now I could make 'em put the K's away
Been thugging all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break
You would rather see me catch a case and watch my future fade away
Rihanna:
You're gonna be a shining star,
With fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
You got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.
T.I.:
I'm the opposite of moderate,
Immaculately polished
With the spirit of a hustler
And the swagger of a college kid.
Allergic to the counterfeit,
Impartial to the politics.
Articulate
But still would grab a nigga
By the collar quick.
Whoever had problems,
With their record sales
Just holla TIP.
If that don't work
And all else fails,
Then turn around and follow TIP.
I got love for the game
But hey I'm not in love with all of it.
I can do without the fame
And the rappers nowadays in comedy.
The hootin' and the hollerin',
Back and forth with the arguing.
Where you from,
Who you know,
What you make and
What kind of car you in.
Seems as though you lost sight
Of what's important
When depositing them checks.
Into your bank account,
And you're up out of poverty.
Your values are in disarrayed,
Prioritizing horribly.
Unhappy with your riches
Cause your piss-poor morally.
Ignoring all prior advice
And fore warning.
Now we mighty
Full of ourselves
All of a sudden aren't we?
Rihanna:
You're gonna be
A shining star,
With fancy clothes, And fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, Ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
You got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), My life (oh), My life (ay), My life (oh)Just living my life (ay), My life (oh), My life (ay), My life (oh)
So live your life.
TI):
Got everybody watchin what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And come see the way I'm livin
If you really want to
Got my mind on my money
And I'm not goin nowhere
So keep on gettin your paper
And keep on climbing
Look in the mirror and keep on shining
Till the game ends, till the clock stops
Were gonna post up on the top spot
Livin the life, the life
In a brand new city got my whole team with me
The life, my life I do what I wanna do
I'm livin my life, my life I will never lose,
I'm livin my life, my life And I'm not stopping
So live your life!
(Rihanna):
You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
So live your life.!!
Live Your Life
By: T.I. & Rihanna
You're gonna be a shining star,
With fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Aint got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.
T.I.:
Never mind what haters say, ignore 'em 'til they fade away
Amazing their ungrateful, after all the game I gave away
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today
You'd still be wasting days away, now had I never saved the day
Consider them my protégé, homage I think they should pay
Instead of being gracious, they violate in a major way
Ive never been a hater, still I love them in a crazy way
Some say they sold ya and no they couldn't get work on Labor day
It ain't that black or white, there's an area in the shade of gray
I'm west side anyway, even if I left today and stayed away
Some move away to make a way, not move away 'cause they afraid
I brought back to the hood and all you ever did was take away
I pray for patience but they make me want to melt their face away
Like I once made them spray, now I could make 'em put the K's away
Been thugging all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break
You would rather see me catch a case and watch my future fade away
Rihanna:
You're gonna be a shining star,
With fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
You got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.
T.I.:
I'm the opposite of moderate,
Immaculately polished
With the spirit of a hustler
And the swagger of a college kid.
Allergic to the counterfeit,
Impartial to the politics.
Articulate
But still would grab a nigga
By the collar quick.
Whoever had problems,
With their record sales
Just holla TIP.
If that don't work
And all else fails,
Then turn around and follow TIP.
I got love for the game
But hey I'm not in love with all of it.
I can do without the fame
And the rappers nowadays in comedy.
The hootin' and the hollerin',
Back and forth with the arguing.
Where you from,
Who you know,
What you make and
What kind of car you in.
Seems as though you lost sight
Of what's important
When depositing them checks.
Into your bank account,
And you're up out of poverty.
Your values are in disarrayed,
Prioritizing horribly.
Unhappy with your riches
Cause your piss-poor morally.
Ignoring all prior advice
And fore warning.
Now we mighty
Full of ourselves
All of a sudden aren't we?
Rihanna:
You're gonna be
A shining star,
With fancy clothes, And fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, Ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
You got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), My life (oh), My life (ay), My life (oh)Just living my life (ay), My life (oh), My life (ay), My life (oh)
So live your life.
TI):
Got everybody watchin what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And come see the way I'm livin
If you really want to
Got my mind on my money
And I'm not goin nowhere
So keep on gettin your paper
And keep on climbing
Look in the mirror and keep on shining
Till the game ends, till the clock stops
Were gonna post up on the top spot
Livin the life, the life
In a brand new city got my whole team with me
The life, my life I do what I wanna do
I'm livin my life, my life I will never lose,
I'm livin my life, my life And I'm not stopping
So live your life!
(Rihanna):
You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
So live your life.!!
I Can See Your Halo
I absolutely love this song. I couldnt listen to it at first because it is so close to what I would say to each and every person who has had any part of helping me in any way. It was very emotional.
I really send this out to my mom. Chris. the kids. Grandma. my sisters. my brothers. You guys have been with me all the way, no matter what. I can never come up with the words that I need to tell you my appreciation. You literally saved my life. In every way.
Also want to dedicate this to a few others, Crae & Judy, Jorge& Janet, Aunt Mary Margaret, Jean Ann, Martha, Susan, Don & Shirley, Father Michael, Doug, Aunts & Uncles from my fathers side who helped with my wedding. Teresa & Cathy, Di, Christina, Cat, Amelia, Clare, Jean... just to personally name a few.
Also my friends. So many of you, you know who you are... love you all!!
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Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they are tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out!
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you break it
It's the risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out!
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh.....
Halo, ooh ooh, ooooh........
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby, I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby, I can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh oooh.......
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
I can feel your halo
I can see your halo
Halo, ooh oooh.......
Pre-op
I went Friday and did my pre-op. Get this. I took myself. Big step for me. I hear the cheers from all my angels! Anyway, they did an EKG, and talked to me about anesthesia. I got outta there around 2 and then we went to Kroger day at Hawaiian Falls. They rented the whole park out. Was fun. I saved my steps the entire week so I could walk around without my cane or crutches. I pretty much stayed in the wave pool and the lazy river. I felt it the next day trust me on that. But it was worth it. My mom was like, my coworkers are going to see you and I wanted them to at least see you with your cane or something. I am like, heck with what everyone thinks. Like, am I supposed to look a certain way because I have this "c" and I should look like I am knocking on deaths door. Hell with that. I will not look sick for anyone just because they think I should look a certain way. Bald, half dead, pale. Whatever. I can tell you now that you will never see me like that! No deal!
I push on, this is a good thing. My choice to do this. Try and stop me!
Wish me luck. Send me angels. Say prayers.
LETS DO THIS!
Love to the masses,
Renee
I push on, this is a good thing. My choice to do this. Try and stop me!
Wish me luck. Send me angels. Say prayers.
LETS DO THIS!
Love to the masses,
Renee
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Ortho Appointment Today
So today was the ortho appointment. My two sisters and my mom picked me up and we go one hour early because the last time we were there we waited for so long it was ridiculous. So this time guess what, we got there an hour early and waited even longer. Thirty minutes till the xrays. Two and a half hours in the waiting room. Three hours in the examining room waiting for the doctor. I mean we looked through every cabinet, my sister played with every gadget, went up and down on the bed, and finally jumped on the internet on the computer in the room. And we were late picking up K. my daughter from school. So we looked for beach houses for when we go to Padre. Luckily it all paid off because he is a Dr. McDreamy. Jess named him..lol. My mom said.. well my knee hurts too...lol.. Neways....
So from the xrays, the lesion has progressed and the doctor told me it was up to me if I wanted to have surgery. He showed me the xrays of then and now on the computer in the room. If you wanna picture it, basically it is like someone took a bite out of my bone. That is what I lesion is. It technically isnt a fracture because there is no crack, but the stress that it causes on the rest of my bones cant be good. That is why I have pain, at least one of the reasons. It is now over half my right femur bone. That was why the computer was in there to begin with. To show us our xrays or records. They have one in every room. I was advised from my pain management doctor on the visit last week that if the doctor recommends the surgery that I should do it. I asked the doctor if after the surgery, would I need a cane to walk.?? He said no. I said thats what I want. Lets do it. I agree. Before it breaks and I will have to do this anyway. SO I am getting a rod inserted in my leg as the support for my right femur bone. They make an incision on my hip, and on my knee and basically push the rod down in and anchor it to my hip and my knee basically. I asked for the earliest day they had. I want to do this. My mom suggested to wait till after my sister has her baby in a couple weeks. Heck no. I cant think about this for two weeks, wobbling around in pain. I hope it will ease at least some of the pain. My surgery date is June 1st. And it sucks because I realized after we got home that it is the same day as my daughters award ceremony for her perfect attendance trophy she is going to get. I am so proud of her. This is one of those things that I am going to have to miss. I feel like I let her down. Jess and Lis will go and take picts for me when I wake up. But at least I will be able to have a nice summer hopefully being able to go places like the zoo and Six Flags where I can walk around. We are going to Kroger night at Hawaiian Falls on Friday. They rented it out. So I will be in the wave pool and lazy river all day relaxing and preparing for Monday. Send me angels and prayers. I stay overnight in the hospital then I can come home. Maybe a couple 2-3 days taking it easy. Then I should be good to walk. At least without my cane. The rod will support my bone and hopefully be a step in the right direction. Fingers crossed!
So from the xrays, the lesion has progressed and the doctor told me it was up to me if I wanted to have surgery. He showed me the xrays of then and now on the computer in the room. If you wanna picture it, basically it is like someone took a bite out of my bone. That is what I lesion is. It technically isnt a fracture because there is no crack, but the stress that it causes on the rest of my bones cant be good. That is why I have pain, at least one of the reasons. It is now over half my right femur bone. That was why the computer was in there to begin with. To show us our xrays or records. They have one in every room. I was advised from my pain management doctor on the visit last week that if the doctor recommends the surgery that I should do it. I asked the doctor if after the surgery, would I need a cane to walk.?? He said no. I said thats what I want. Lets do it. I agree. Before it breaks and I will have to do this anyway. SO I am getting a rod inserted in my leg as the support for my right femur bone. They make an incision on my hip, and on my knee and basically push the rod down in and anchor it to my hip and my knee basically. I asked for the earliest day they had. I want to do this. My mom suggested to wait till after my sister has her baby in a couple weeks. Heck no. I cant think about this for two weeks, wobbling around in pain. I hope it will ease at least some of the pain. My surgery date is June 1st. And it sucks because I realized after we got home that it is the same day as my daughters award ceremony for her perfect attendance trophy she is going to get. I am so proud of her. This is one of those things that I am going to have to miss. I feel like I let her down. Jess and Lis will go and take picts for me when I wake up. But at least I will be able to have a nice summer hopefully being able to go places like the zoo and Six Flags where I can walk around. We are going to Kroger night at Hawaiian Falls on Friday. They rented it out. So I will be in the wave pool and lazy river all day relaxing and preparing for Monday. Send me angels and prayers. I stay overnight in the hospital then I can come home. Maybe a couple 2-3 days taking it easy. Then I should be good to walk. At least without my cane. The rod will support my bone and hopefully be a step in the right direction. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Randy Pausch
I have to say when I think of hero I think of this man. His last lecture. A friend sent me a copy of the cd of The Last Lecture and it was difficult to watch. I had to in stages. But it was good for me. Dare I say that I am trying to leave a small bit of the affect he had on the world. It is tough for me to speak of him. I didnt even know him. I only know of his brave face he kept while staring death straight in the face. When he lost his battle, I really took it personally. I know he had a different cancer, and different circumstances but the message is the same. That is where I sit from looking in. Maybe I will be able to touch on this subject more later. I just had to make some sort of tribute to this brave man.... and his message.
Hecka Great Time on Sunday
I have to say hats of to my Uncle Crae formerly given the title of Unc is the crawfish master. He has having a crawfish boil down to a science and I have to thank our wonderful hosts Mike and Reather. Its always fun hanging out. Swimming. Gardening. I love you guys garden. Fun in the sun and serving it up by the pound. Those 60 pounds came and went... I cant believe there was still some when we left. I for the first time was completely full on crawfish. And as Chris says, the Craetoofay (have no clue how to spell that), was delicious as well. Beer chicken. Roasted corn. Crawfish. Beer. Fun. It was a day to remember. That man can cook Judy, he is a keeper. But you already know that..lol. Love you guys!
My friend Alice
I want to dedicate this posting to a friend that I used to have. She is technically family too but I called her my friend. I realize during all that I have been through that I wasnt there for her at the time in her life she needed me. She had major tragedy in her family and when she pulled away from me I should have been more understanding. All I saw was the hurt from her not calling me back, that I didnt think about how much pain she must still be in, what else I could do to be there for her like the best friends we used to be. I miss her. And I dont care who reads this. I am women enough to admit when I am wrong too, and I was wrong. There were other factors that got caught up in all this, but in the long run its all petty. I know when to say when. I know lives have moved on, but we had some great times. Thats what I think about when I think about my friend. Not one stupid fight that made us not talk since. Anyway, own up, dont lose your friends. People that would give anything, and have given alot for you. You would be lucky to find another friend like that.
Peace!
Peace!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Christina Applegate
I want to say that I saw her for the 2nd time today on Oprah. That show originally aired last October during breast cancer awareness month. I could bear it a little more this time. The first time it was on, it was one of the hardest things to sit through. Its finally someone who knows what you are going through. I wasnt so lucky in finding my cancer early, that is why I fight for early detection. For women to get checked early. She is fighting to bring the same message out there and I feel like she is a fellow soldier. A fighter. And a survivor. I am working to get there. I thought I would clarify why I havent had a double mastectomy yet.
When I first started all this I was ready to march in there and do what I had to do. In my case the doctors basically told me that they do a mastectomy to prevent spreading. My cancer had already spread. It was so depressing to know that the doctors basically told me there is no point to do the surgery that they usually use to save women from this. That was a rock bottom day.
Personally, I know I will have to have to surgery eventually. By my own choice. I plan on having reconstruction as well if I ever get the go to do the surgery. It would be elective, or until I can find a surgeon who feels differently. Chris feels that if you cut of the brain the rest will die. He wants me to have to surgery. He says whatever will keep me here with him longer is what we will do. Maybe its a good thing that I have the time to prepare. I have had to have one surgery after another though, so maybe that is the preparation. I dont know. I search for comfort, for answers, for reasons to move forward or not.
I saw such bravery, such heartache in her. I dont see the bravery in myself, I sometimes think I am not strong enough. Just when Susan Komen's sister was on and talking about her sister, and she had to turn to Christina and say, remember that is not you. We identify so much with someone with a similar story, that if that person loses their battle its devastating to the mental aspect of things. The sadness in her eyes was the sadness I recognize. Its denial. Its disbelief.
I am just starting to realize the blessing part of it. She said she was told by Melissa Etheridge that it was a blessing and be thankful. That everyday is a different day, and you can change everything now. Its coming clear that if you dont use this as a blessing that it will eat you alive. I can choose to spiral into the depths of hell, or climb the mountain to the light. I choose light.
I am with you Christina. Every step of the way!
When I first started all this I was ready to march in there and do what I had to do. In my case the doctors basically told me that they do a mastectomy to prevent spreading. My cancer had already spread. It was so depressing to know that the doctors basically told me there is no point to do the surgery that they usually use to save women from this. That was a rock bottom day.
Personally, I know I will have to have to surgery eventually. By my own choice. I plan on having reconstruction as well if I ever get the go to do the surgery. It would be elective, or until I can find a surgeon who feels differently. Chris feels that if you cut of the brain the rest will die. He wants me to have to surgery. He says whatever will keep me here with him longer is what we will do. Maybe its a good thing that I have the time to prepare. I have had to have one surgery after another though, so maybe that is the preparation. I dont know. I search for comfort, for answers, for reasons to move forward or not.
I saw such bravery, such heartache in her. I dont see the bravery in myself, I sometimes think I am not strong enough. Just when Susan Komen's sister was on and talking about her sister, and she had to turn to Christina and say, remember that is not you. We identify so much with someone with a similar story, that if that person loses their battle its devastating to the mental aspect of things. The sadness in her eyes was the sadness I recognize. Its denial. Its disbelief.
I am just starting to realize the blessing part of it. She said she was told by Melissa Etheridge that it was a blessing and be thankful. That everyday is a different day, and you can change everything now. Its coming clear that if you dont use this as a blessing that it will eat you alive. I can choose to spiral into the depths of hell, or climb the mountain to the light. I choose light.
I am with you Christina. Every step of the way!
Pain Management Update
Went to pain management. Met the nurse and doctor there. I really liked her. She is taking over my pain medication. The nutritionist had to leave in the morning before we got to see her but we will see her as soon as we can. I am happy to report this is the first of any of my doctors who has told me that nothing is irreversible. Can you believe it? I have never heard those words from any of my doctors. It was encouragement I know. But still. It means alot to hear at least a little hope coming from the people that are taking care of you. I go tomorrow to the ortho doc again. They will xray my leg. See the progression. Supposedly let me know if I will need surgery. Well see about that. My guess, they will say lets check it again in a month. Honestly, I have been using my cane as much as I can. Sometimes I just start walking out of habit without my cane. On my own, I dont walk to much, I call it saving my steps. If I sit or lay all day, then I can walk to get Kristen, or go to the store. I am not going to just lay back and loose my progress I have made. I believe my leg is better. Not progressive. We will see. I have been swimming a couple of times. Have a slight tan already...lol.. fun in the sun as they say. Kids out of school in a week. Cant wait. I hold on to the positive and I do feel positive. Good thing for sure.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
MY First Mountain MOVED
I thought I would share my first accomplishment related to my cancer. Well the first one is the most important to me so far. This was a challenge I made against myself. I chose the people to have with me on that special night. Chris, my mom, Alan, and Carol. My mom was there babysitting for me and we had a bottle of champagne to open for when we got back from the party to celebrate with her (my mom).
Reasoning for picking them to share my special moment:
Alan has always been a great guy, and has done so much for me over the years. I always loved talking with him about anything and everything doing with business, and life in general. I never told him, but if I ever had a dad, he is everything I would have wished for. When I had to choose a day to induce my labor for Kristen, it happened to be March, and it happened to be in the span that included March19th, which is Alan's bday. So I chose Alan's bday. She happened to come before that, but it is written in her chart that she was scheduled to be born on the 19th. He was also there on my original wedding when Chris and I got hitched in Vegas. He drove us to the airport (since they couldnt go) which (to me) was his way of walking me down the aisle..lol.. Its silly to say... I knew him before Carol did. My mother introduced them to each other. My old stepdad, Lisa's dad knew a guy named Dino, who knew Alan and brought him over to our house one time when he visited. After that he came over a few times and visited. They used to work out with Lewis or bike...lol..somethin like that. neways.. After she got to know him well enough, my mom thought he would be perfect for her sister Carol. So she introduced them. They have been together ever since. Carol used to babysit us (my sister and I) for my mom. My mom has 12 brothers and sisters of all ages so while some are off in different cities or working, the ones that are around are the ones you remember the most from your childhood. No fault of their own, they are just off living. I knew Carol to be one of the cool aunts. When your a kid you remember who was cool to you or when someone is mean to you. Hence, they (Alan & Carol)have been around me since I was a kid. Later....Alan hit it off really well with Chris. It was a given that I get along with Carol. We ended up doing everything together. Birthdays, Friday night dinners, Mardi Gras, Journey concerts, , movies, hanging out as each others houses, the State Fair, you name it, we did it. Time flew. I never thought about it but before we know it over 10 years goes by. Heck Christopher was about 2-3 years old, and he is about to be 16 so you do the math.
I dont think anyone (even Chris) realized what a special day that was for me. It was the first time I felt like maybe I would be ok. It was the first mind over matter experience for me. I just wouldnt accept that I may not ever walk again. I would not accept that I would never dance again, as corny as that sounds. I would not accept that I would be confined to a chair or a bed when I have so much to do.
When I was first diagnosed and had radiation on my lower spine and abdomen it made the nerve pain and the pain down my legs unbearable. I could not stand, I could not walk, I could not sit up straight. When I had to take a shower I would just stand there and cry because I wasnt able to stand for any length of time without my leg seizing up. I would take a few steps and then I would seize up. I would try to sit down and it was painful. I had to do this slouching position. I had such a hard time then because it was so sudden. I couldn't drive, I couldn't do anything. All this started in April 07 right from the get go.
The Christmas of 06, Chris's company threw the best, most lavish party there ever was. It was at the Four Seasons, they rented out every ballroom and turned it into a theme in every room type deal. Full food, full service bar, live band and a dance floor to boot. We went in 06, and it was the most fun Chris and I have had in a long time. When all this happened, I couldn't believe that I may not be able to dance at the party coming up this year in 07. So that was it. I told Chris that I would be walking, and dancing by this years Christmas party, no questions asked.
This gave me target date to shoot for and a mini goal to reach for. The months pass by, I finished my 16 radiation treatments. To tell you the extent of my radiation, it made me baron, unable to bear any more children. Hard pill to swallow. Also the level of radiation I would have needed to completely eradicate the cancer on my spine would have paralyzed me. The radiation oncologist gave me the dosage he could. After that, I went to pain management, I did everything I could to try to figure out a way around this pain. I felt that the pain management I had at the time did not have any affect... I talk about that in another posting...anyways
So all the while my sister gets me a walker, and I refused to use it. I asked my grandmother to carve me a cane (she is a woodcarver) and she did. Its a beautiful cane, and still I refused to use it. When I would use it, it would hurt worse. I was overcompensating from what the doc said. I didnt want my body to get used to bending all sorts of wierd ways just to walk..
SO I just pushed on. I walked no matter what, hurt or not. I would commit to walking the few blocks to pick up Kristen at school everyday. Making sure I have sunglasses on, for when the tears came. I never let her see me cry.
Along comes the special day, and we can think of no other to invite than my Uncle Alan, and my aunt Carol who up until recently have been a constant presence in our lives . Many a dinner, many a night, many a bottle of wine has been spent with them. We took pictures together that night, that I let Alan & Carol take home with them. Maybe they will post it sometime....
Anyway
My aunt Mary took me to get a manicure, and pedicure, my uncle (hairdresser, Stanley Korshak) cut my hair for me, and I went to get a dress and shoes for the formal night.
Folks, I did it. I went to that Christmas party and danced the night away. They called us on stage to dance, and I was like come on Carol lets go. She said no she didnt want to go. Sorry I had to leave her standing there, because there was no way I wasnt going to jump on stage and celebrate the fact that I can even dance without breaking down in tears, without having to endure pain in secret so no has a bad time, that I can even dance at all. I was the first one up there then the flood gates opened. A bunch of girls followed. You know how it takes one person to get the party started then every one else that wanted to go but was too shy, gets up and comes out. Well I will be the one to get the party started, you can count on that! I can say later, maybe after a few drinks loosened her up, she finally got up there and danced.
It didn't matter, I made it. I was walking. I was standing. I was dancing. It was the most special day I have had in a long time. A night to remember.
Reasoning for picking them to share my special moment:
Alan has always been a great guy, and has done so much for me over the years. I always loved talking with him about anything and everything doing with business, and life in general. I never told him, but if I ever had a dad, he is everything I would have wished for. When I had to choose a day to induce my labor for Kristen, it happened to be March, and it happened to be in the span that included March19th, which is Alan's bday. So I chose Alan's bday. She happened to come before that, but it is written in her chart that she was scheduled to be born on the 19th. He was also there on my original wedding when Chris and I got hitched in Vegas. He drove us to the airport (since they couldnt go) which (to me) was his way of walking me down the aisle..lol.. Its silly to say... I knew him before Carol did. My mother introduced them to each other. My old stepdad, Lisa's dad knew a guy named Dino, who knew Alan and brought him over to our house one time when he visited. After that he came over a few times and visited. They used to work out with Lewis or bike...lol..somethin like that. neways.. After she got to know him well enough, my mom thought he would be perfect for her sister Carol. So she introduced them. They have been together ever since. Carol used to babysit us (my sister and I) for my mom. My mom has 12 brothers and sisters of all ages so while some are off in different cities or working, the ones that are around are the ones you remember the most from your childhood. No fault of their own, they are just off living. I knew Carol to be one of the cool aunts. When your a kid you remember who was cool to you or when someone is mean to you. Hence, they (Alan & Carol)have been around me since I was a kid. Later....Alan hit it off really well with Chris. It was a given that I get along with Carol. We ended up doing everything together. Birthdays, Friday night dinners, Mardi Gras, Journey concerts, , movies, hanging out as each others houses, the State Fair, you name it, we did it. Time flew. I never thought about it but before we know it over 10 years goes by. Heck Christopher was about 2-3 years old, and he is about to be 16 so you do the math.
I dont think anyone (even Chris) realized what a special day that was for me. It was the first time I felt like maybe I would be ok. It was the first mind over matter experience for me. I just wouldnt accept that I may not ever walk again. I would not accept that I would never dance again, as corny as that sounds. I would not accept that I would be confined to a chair or a bed when I have so much to do.
When I was first diagnosed and had radiation on my lower spine and abdomen it made the nerve pain and the pain down my legs unbearable. I could not stand, I could not walk, I could not sit up straight. When I had to take a shower I would just stand there and cry because I wasnt able to stand for any length of time without my leg seizing up. I would take a few steps and then I would seize up. I would try to sit down and it was painful. I had to do this slouching position. I had such a hard time then because it was so sudden. I couldn't drive, I couldn't do anything. All this started in April 07 right from the get go.
The Christmas of 06, Chris's company threw the best, most lavish party there ever was. It was at the Four Seasons, they rented out every ballroom and turned it into a theme in every room type deal. Full food, full service bar, live band and a dance floor to boot. We went in 06, and it was the most fun Chris and I have had in a long time. When all this happened, I couldn't believe that I may not be able to dance at the party coming up this year in 07. So that was it. I told Chris that I would be walking, and dancing by this years Christmas party, no questions asked.
This gave me target date to shoot for and a mini goal to reach for. The months pass by, I finished my 16 radiation treatments. To tell you the extent of my radiation, it made me baron, unable to bear any more children. Hard pill to swallow. Also the level of radiation I would have needed to completely eradicate the cancer on my spine would have paralyzed me. The radiation oncologist gave me the dosage he could. After that, I went to pain management, I did everything I could to try to figure out a way around this pain. I felt that the pain management I had at the time did not have any affect... I talk about that in another posting...anyways
So all the while my sister gets me a walker, and I refused to use it. I asked my grandmother to carve me a cane (she is a woodcarver) and she did. Its a beautiful cane, and still I refused to use it. When I would use it, it would hurt worse. I was overcompensating from what the doc said. I didnt want my body to get used to bending all sorts of wierd ways just to walk..
SO I just pushed on. I walked no matter what, hurt or not. I would commit to walking the few blocks to pick up Kristen at school everyday. Making sure I have sunglasses on, for when the tears came. I never let her see me cry.
Along comes the special day, and we can think of no other to invite than my Uncle Alan, and my aunt Carol who up until recently have been a constant presence in our lives . Many a dinner, many a night, many a bottle of wine has been spent with them. We took pictures together that night, that I let Alan & Carol take home with them. Maybe they will post it sometime....
Anyway
My aunt Mary took me to get a manicure, and pedicure, my uncle (hairdresser, Stanley Korshak) cut my hair for me, and I went to get a dress and shoes for the formal night.
Folks, I did it. I went to that Christmas party and danced the night away. They called us on stage to dance, and I was like come on Carol lets go. She said no she didnt want to go. Sorry I had to leave her standing there, because there was no way I wasnt going to jump on stage and celebrate the fact that I can even dance without breaking down in tears, without having to endure pain in secret so no has a bad time, that I can even dance at all. I was the first one up there then the flood gates opened. A bunch of girls followed. You know how it takes one person to get the party started then every one else that wanted to go but was too shy, gets up and comes out. Well I will be the one to get the party started, you can count on that! I can say later, maybe after a few drinks loosened her up, she finally got up there and danced.
It didn't matter, I made it. I was walking. I was standing. I was dancing. It was the most special day I have had in a long time. A night to remember.
Coast to Coast AM
I wanted to share with you that I got onto the radio not to long ago. If anyone knows me or my grandmother, they know we are fans of the late night talk show Coast to Coast Am. It touches on all kinds of subjects from paranormal, to scientific, government, to other dimensions, to time travel.. the list goes on. You would be fascinated by some of the items discussed on this program. Being as my grandma is a night owl like myself, and the fact that I haven't exactly slept in 2 years... I stay up late and I find myself tuning in. Well on March 27, 2009 there was a lady on the program by the name of Diana Cooper. She explained how she got cancer in her twenties with no history and how it was a life changing experience. She ended up believing in angels and communicating with angels. She was talking and I was listening to what she was saying about being able to call on angels for things as small as help with a parking space. That all we had to do was ask. She also said that we can send angels to other people in need, and also call upon them ourselves at any time. I said ok, if this is true, then I want to get through to the show tonight. I call on the Angels to get me on the radio. So I waited for them to give the number out, and I called. And I called until I got a ring. I got an answer and they put me on hold to talk to George Noory! Anyone who knows this show knows this is a big deal. I waited and I waited, and then I hear, this is Renee in Dallas.... I couldnt believe it. I was on the radio, first time caller, worldwide program, and I got through. So I told them very briefly what the deal was, and asked for everyone listening to send an angel my way tonight. She told me that just by asking I automatically got angels sent to me, not to mention the ones being sent by others. She told me that I was going through this because I needed to slow down. She told me that I had the power to heal myself. I couldnt believe that I got through. There was enough of a delay that I got to hang up, and then hear myself back again. It was so cool. I cant tell you the sense of overwhelming calm and joy that overtook me. I could feel the angels all around me. I could feel the care of the world upon my shoulders. It felt pretty great. I cant even describe the feeling. It must be what heaven feels like. Like love multiplied by thousands. The cool thing is alot of people that dont stay up late can download the show and lots of people listen at all times of the day. So I knew and felt the angels being sent to me not only that night, but still by the people listening later. You can still listen to it if you wanted to. I am dubbing a copy for my grandma. It was my proof of angels all around me. Needless to say, I will ask all of you to send me an angel, send me and angel, right now.... right now... ok did anyone else burst into song there... 80's music at its best... anyway... This Diana Cooper also had some pretty cool things to say about unicorns too... but that for another post.
I thought it was pretty cool, ask and I received. I didnt need proof. I know that there are angels and that I have heavily depended on every bit on my angels, guides, spirits, and guidance, that I can. Lord knows I have needed it.
I call on Jesus, angels, My Saint, Archangel Raphael, to heal me, mind body and soul. I ask that you watch over each and every person who reads this blog as we all seek to do better within ourselves and within the world. I am here to answer your call. Amen. Dont be afraid to call on your angels, your hope. It makes everything a little bit brighter, a little bit more bearable.
According to Lakewood Church, and Pastor Joel Osteen all you need to do is say, Jesus, I bring you into my heart. I make you my Lord and Saviour... to start a new. I have said it and said it. I mean it too. And hey people shunned Jesus too, so I am in good company right? Love to the masses!
I thought it was pretty cool, ask and I received. I didnt need proof. I know that there are angels and that I have heavily depended on every bit on my angels, guides, spirits, and guidance, that I can. Lord knows I have needed it.
I call on Jesus, angels, My Saint, Archangel Raphael, to heal me, mind body and soul. I ask that you watch over each and every person who reads this blog as we all seek to do better within ourselves and within the world. I am here to answer your call. Amen. Dont be afraid to call on your angels, your hope. It makes everything a little bit brighter, a little bit more bearable.
According to Lakewood Church, and Pastor Joel Osteen all you need to do is say, Jesus, I bring you into my heart. I make you my Lord and Saviour... to start a new. I have said it and said it. I mean it too. And hey people shunned Jesus too, so I am in good company right? Love to the masses!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Remember
Its important for me to say that I care very much about my family and what they are going through as well. I dont point the finger all the time and say me, me, me. Lately I have just been able to express feelings that I have not been able to express ever. Pent up emotions that I can not let myself get caught up in or I will not heal. I can not allow myself to feel anything but happy times. What I love to do is be there for family. I cook for my family, I send food, plates, a care package as Chris likes to call it. I make sure my people are fed. I will take off my own plate for you in a minute. I serve the men. I believe when a man works hard its not a big deal to get them their plate and let them relax. Get them a beer. No big deal. I dont know anything else. Although I havent exactly been involved in anyones life lately. It seems like no one wants to burden me with anything or have me burden them. Not judging, just observing. I know people have alot going on. I know people have their own lives, own problems, their own issues they have to deal with. I think all it did was alienate me from everyone because I felt abandoned. Dont get me wrong, so many people have been there for me as well. My grandmother is a walking angel on this earth. She sees past alot of bull. Her and I have had some great conversations. And trust me, she knows the real deal. Many of my distant family has come to aid. My fathers family are there sending me prayers. I dont know anymore. I have become so discouraged and then on the other hand renewed. I dont know how else to make sense of it but to say that I only try to not make anyone feel as I have felt when I am hurt. Do unto others as best as I can. I dont judge anyone. I only make observations of my life, of what has happened from my point of view. If no one shares their point of view, well mine is all I have isnt it. I feel I have tried so hard. I have treated people kindly always. I am very direct, blunt, but I dont say anything to hurt feelings. I like to put it all out there, hold nothing on my heart. When I feel I am wronged, I see nothing else. I have only tried to be the best I can to everyone. And I will continue to be the best I can be strangers, friends, family. I can only be me. Thats all I can be.
Permission
I do not give permission to copy, print, or reproduce my blog in any way. These are all my own thoughts, words, blood, sweat, and tears. I give permission to forward the link to as many as you can, and soon my video blogs will be available to forward as well. Yay a new subject. I am currently learning editing, video and production.
www.kickingcancersass.blogspot.com
Anyway, off point, this material is copywritten, so dont copy me... in the word of Missy Elliot...lol.. lator, gator!
www.kickingcancersass.blogspot.com
Anyway, off point, this material is copywritten, so dont copy me... in the word of Missy Elliot...lol.. lator, gator!
Grieving
I go through a lot of books. I try to gain knowledge and also try to find new ways to think about things. New ideas, new approaches. I read a lot of books about grieving after my 4 month old niece passed away from SIDS in 2001. Trying to look for some kind of answers. Trying to learn what I could to try to help my sister. Try to help us all through this. Its been a while since I pulled out and looked at any material of this subject. What I realized when I was having a really hard time, when I was severely depressed, when I would just cry and cry that a lot of it was over the things that I would miss if I did not win my battle. So many things from being able to see my kids graduate, watching my business's grow and become successful, selling my first flip, retiring on our ranch/nature reserve/dog rescue. I mean the list goes on and on. When I say I plan and make goals I mean it. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Life is what happens when your busy making plans right. Well all the plans were made. I realized that everyday I was letting go of another possibility, dreading the thoughts of something that I had always planned to be at, to do and now I may not get to. I realized that I was grieving. So here I go to pull out my reading material on grieving and sure enough. It also made me think that none of us are offered a sure thing anyway. Mind you, this is months and months of thinking, misery, crying, and realizing all wrapped into a paragraph so forgive if it sounds light. This is a major breakthrough for me. I also realized finally that I can still have goals, just because I may take a different route to get there doesnt make it any less of a goal, any less of a journey. I used to think I knew so much, that I had at least a little of it figured out. Turns out, I am learning still. That is good for me though, it means I am choosing to grow as a person, to look at my own faults which is more than I can say for some people. To each his own right. Like I said, if you dont learn it when it presents itself for you to learn, then life will find a different way to teach you. Simple as that.
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