Actually I am Lucky!

Reflecting is something that has caused me to realize that all in all, I am a pretty lucky girl. I have a great husband, I have 2 beautiful children. One of each, girl and a boy. That right there is enough to make me sit back and reflect. Some people want kids and cant have them. Some people don't want kids and wait until they are old as dirt to decide they want a kid, then cant or wont. There are tons of ladies out there who are still looking for that special guy. I found mine a long time ago. I lucked into having children at a young age, when I had enough energy to tend to them. My K is still young and going strong, but she helps much more than she needs. They are most wonderful. I told my mother that the way things ended up, if I didn't have kids young, I wouldn't have had kids. I know that is looking on the bright side. I still have my mind, I can still function, and I know that a lot of people have it worse than I do. I am humble. I know I am spiritually gaining boatloads, I know that mentally I am tougher than you could imagine. I know that inside, you couldn't rattle me if you jumped up and down on my head. I am steady. I have some of the best friends that a girl could ask for. I have loyalty. I have my grace. I have love. I do not regret. I learn and move forward. I would say all in all, I am dam lucky. And when I come out of this, still bobbin and weaving, I will have even achieved a new level of luck. I am a survivor. I am a hustler. I am a fighter. I will always fight for what is right, for what is good, and for what makes sense. I love hard, I care intensely, and I never walk away. I am here. I am happy. I am lucky. I have love surrounding me, lifting me up, and carrying me forward. I even love the haters because without them then you wouldn't know that you have something good in your life. My man will move the sun for me if its what I wanted. I will swim the sea for him if he asked me. I even have best friends. I don't sit here and say I don't have this, or that, or woe is me. Hell with all that. I do have everything that I want. I have had it for a long time. The rest was just maintenance. I am meant for something special. I get to say that I helped save lives! Can that be any cooler? I am rambling by now, I now it...lol... but I had to push that point home. I love me no matter how hard it can be at times. I sit here with a cracked rib, a steel leg, constant pain, unable to bear children, radiated, chemofied and I have to spend the rest of my life going to doctors. But you know what, I will go through every bit of it because I know how I am cared for by my friends. And my true family, knows that this is a learning process and they are learning right along with me. Its a roller coaster ride, no doubt.

Wire Bras

I have to put my public statement out there about wire bras. Due to the nature of my injury and the physical presence of a scar I know without a doubt that a wire injury from a bra in around 2005 caused the cancer that I am now facing. I know what your saying, it was cheap. No, I got this bra at Neimans. So it was not cheap. I was cut along the side of my left breast. It was a pretty good cut. It ended up healing and there was a scar but nothing major. Just like when you get a good cut anywhere it leaves a scar. This is where the cancer is now. The main area. I have told doctor after doctor this. All they say is there is no proof one way or another. I tell them I am the proof. When I saw the mammogram of my left breast, all you can see is a big black mass. I asked the doctor last time if they can differentiate the scar tissue from the cancer. His answer was NO! Can you believe that? Scar tissue comes up black. Cancer shows as black. Its all together. This is where is started. I want to tell all the women out there that if you get a wire injury from a bra, get it looked at and documented immediately. Sad thing is, I can not go after anyone for liability because the statute is really short. I couldn't even go after the doctors who misdiagnosed me because of the statute. It sucks. I know I would not have had a hard time proving my case. I actually was talking with several lawyers, but by the time they got back with me it was on the edge of the timeline. It wasn't long enough for anyone to gather a proper case together. So I have to just get the word out about this finally. I say I don't know why I am dealing with this, but I do actually. Its because of a wire bra. Just be careful out there ladies!

RB

WHAT IS NEXT?

So I realized that all this was taking place during the weeks my kids go back to school and I wont do the surgery if it effects them. To me, my numbers are going down anyways. Things are not out of whack. Its not a major emergency to do it NOW. I want to finish my radiation. Then I want to do the surgery. Only if they are going to do what I want. I wont budge. Its my one and only vessel and I wont take these decisions lightly.
Besides I think I cracked or maybe broke a rib late Sunday or Monday. I dont know how. All I know is they told me I had a cracked rib before from a scan and I didnt even know it. I actually heard a crack, and it feels like there is a break or a crack. Im like jeez, somethin else. I havent put a call into the doc yet, I have just been sleeping and not moving and taking it easy. I feel a little better right now. When I am all hopped up on these pain meds I dont feel a dam thing..lmao.. its no joke.
Well right now, they moved my appointments to Fri, and the follow up on next Wed. And the radiation date is for Thurs. They keep moving these things around, so I dont know if these dates are set in stone. We will see. Then I will let you know!

Well,
ttfn,
ReneeB.

Last week & weekend

Whats up guys?
I have been exhausted doing all that needs to be done before school. We have been up at the college all week and weekend getting Mijo's classes and schedule together. We also got Laffy Taffy's uniforms only to get a letter in the mail today that we bought the wrong color. So that sucks. I told Chris I am sending her in her white shirt the first day just to protest. Its not fair. Some of us don't wait until the last minute to buy their stuff, and they barely send a letter today? That's DISD for you.
My boy is a junior this year. Can you believe that? Its crazy. I have to prepare myself for him to have a career and life of his own...that's going to be crazy. But that is what we have been preparing him for this whole time. He also proves himself these two years, and automatically gets a scholarship to UTA. I think its awesome. Even though I lead the way, he is the one who has to do the work. He is the one who keeps himself in the program. He is the one who walks the walk. I am proud of him for stepping up to the pressure and surviving. One thing I have let that boy do this summer is sleep. He was so sleep deprived during the year. And this year he wants to get a job too! I dont know how all that is going to work, but we'll see. I dont want him to go to fast. I want him to see what his workload is going to be for the year.
My girl will probably go to the magnet school during elementary. They want her over there. I heard nothing but them trying all last year. Sending letters home with her and mailing them to the house. I did not want her to go in the middle of the year. I wanted her to start fresh for the year. She is fine where she is, with her friends. That is also important. She is getting social skills. I am going to do more research this year, and a tour of the school. If I like what I see I will put her in.
Thing is, at the end of the year when we did all the end of year stuff, her TAG teacher pulled me aside and told me K was the smartest person in the class. She said she felt bad some of the assignment that she gave her because she knew it was too easy. But she couldnt leave the other kids behind just for 1 kid. I understood. Thats what I go up against if I dont move her. She will get bored and act out. I will check it out.
I never put my boy in a magnet school. He was always in TAG (Talanted and Gifted). They want my girl early..lol. I have her plan all lined up, just like I did for my boy. I know what my kids are going to do from birth, please, I got it like that!...lol... no really, I have always known what to do for them. Basically what wasnt done for me. Dont we always say that as parents. There is always something we craved as kids, and didnt get. We always know that in hindsight. So we learn from it, or we repeat it. Well I definately learn from what goes on in my life, and what to do next. So this weekend was full, and tiring but we got it done. Thats all that matters! Salute!
Rae

My Guys!

I have to show much love to my guys, my pals, my friends, my family Crae, Judy, Mike, Reatha, and Sandy. I can know without a doubt that you guys have my back no matter what. I know that nothing stupid will ever come between us, that you support me, care about me, and are there for me to laugh, cry, play, or just hang out. I know the things that are valuable in this life, and it isn't the big house, the "cool" car, or money, its who is going to be there for you in the end. Mind you, I have worked for and with billionaires. People really let their true colors show when the going gets tough. People tuck tail and run, say and don't do, and have things to say when others are brave enough to stick it out. I have been accused of alot of things during all this. I have even been accused of "faking it" and this was from one of my family members. I can give it face by saying that it affects me but truthfully it does not. I know who to give weight to and who not to. Some fooled me for a long time, but the truth always comes out. The best thing about the truth is that its not something you have to keep up with, or be fake about. I am truthful no matter what, I never worry about what I told this person or the story I need to keep straight. I don't have to call everyone in the family and make sure everyone knows my side. These are the stupid things that go on around me from people who are sadly my blood. The bright side of that is I know that the opposite of that is greatness. Its good times. Its love. Its priceless. Its true friendship. Its happiness. Its bonding. Its having someone to lean on. There are very few people in my life for whom I label golden, and these precious souls are golden to me. I would do anything for any one of these guys and I know the feeling is mutual. Squish Squish, tear, tear, smile, smile. I can handle tears of joy any day! The real test is who is going to be there for you in your trying days, in the battle of your life. I used to think the way you treated people mattered on how they treated you back. I am now a little wiser. There are some good fakers out there. Truth is, good people are good people no matter what. Perpetrators are the ones who are only there when they can get something out of it, or they need you for your connections or your skill set. Then they move on. No love, no care, no righteousness, no guilt. I cant be paranoid about it and I wont. I will be me no matter what. That's all I can be.I have to say I appreciate having you guys in my life muchos besos! Renee

Forgiveness (to those of us who arent mental...RB)

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-13-09

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past"
(Isaiah 43:18, NIV)



TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
Every person, no matter how much faith they have or how good a person they are will face disappointments. It may be something simple like not getting that promotion you really hoped for, or not closing that big deal you worked so hard on. Maybe you didn't qualify for a house you really wanted. Or, it may be something more serious like a relationship not working out, the death of a loved one, or some kind of illness in your body. Whatever it may be, the reality is that we’re all going to suffer some setbacks. But I believe one of the main keys to overcoming disappointments is learning to let go of the past. The past weighs you down and holds you back.

If you feel "stuck" today, you may want to examine what you're holding on to. Be willing let go of the past by choosing forgiveness. Who hurt you? Who wronged you? Release it to God. Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to receive God's forgiveness? Make the choice today to let go of the past so that you can experience the bright future God has in store for you!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, search my heart and mind today. Show me any area where I may be holding on to the past. Help me to receive Your forgiveness so that I can extend forgiveness to others and move forward in the wonderful plan You have for me. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

August 13, 2009

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy,
The chance to draw back,
Always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation,
There is one elementary truth
The ignorance of which kills coutless ideas
And endless plans:
That the moment one definitaley commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise occurred.
A whole stream of events issues from the decision,
Raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance,
Which no one could have dreamed would come their way.
Whatever you can do or dream you can.
Begin.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Begin it now.


A passage from German philosopher Johanne Goethe

Breast Surgery Update

Chris went with me to this appointment. I thought it was to get a treatment, but when I got there I found out I was seeing the breast surgeon. I was like... ok... I didn't have any prep time, only my waiting room time to get myself strong in the mind and heart and build myself up for this visit. Each one is a hurdle, and I have to brace myself for anything that the doctors say to me. So I was warned that a resident would come in first.. for the teaching program... and this guy was a total douche... (excuse me Father)... he had no bedside manner. He examined me. He flat out told me that this surgery is not a cure and would not extend my life. I mean what do you say to someone that says that to you. So I heard whatever else he had to say, I wanted him to leave and I wanted to see the real doctor. While we were waiting I happened to see my oncologist walking by. I guess she was going home for the day. When she walking by she saw me in the waiting room and came back and asked me what I was doing there. I told her I was there to see the breast surgeon. She said... "oh ok"... I told her that I saw the first doctor and he did not give me good news. He said everything opposite from what I was told before. She asked me who it was, and I told her. She said, "Oh well wait for the real doctor to come in before you take a position on it." I told her I would and she left after I introduced her to Chris. So we waited forever. Now when I get a new doctor the wait time is FOREVER because my file is so big. They have alot to catch up on. She examined me. She told me that if I choose to do the surgery that she would remove the left breast and the left armpit. It will not be a double mastectomy, only the left side. Then she hit me with it. She told me that they usually don't reconstruct someone at my stage. My case is so rare that I may still have a chance, but she warned me that they do not reconstruct Stage 4 patients. I guess they think its a waste of time and money. It does not send me a good message. I do not pay attention to it. Its a roadblock yes, but if that is the case I will not have my surgery here, I will go somewhere where they will reconstruct me. This is probably the most scared I have been on a surgery. My nerves are all over the place. Its the one reason it took me so long to write this blog. I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon next week. Somehow all my treatment appointments have been taken over by all these other appointments...i.e. radiation, bone scan, plastic surgeon, and the breast surgeon. Not to mention my normal oncology appointments with my doctor. I was told that it was because they wanted to wait until I do the bone scan to see what effect the treatments are doing. The bone scan is 3 hours long. I will do it though. I haven't had to do scans since I had like a hundred scans at the beginning of this. I will be there to do them all. I am brought back down to reality. Its not that I get my hopes up or down, I am in the middle always. I can not let myself be all over the place. If I do then I set myself up for disappointment. I just let whatever happen that is supposed to happen and I go with the flo as best I can. I believe that is what will get me through all of this. I have been in good spirits lately. Everything is still going on around me but I stick with a positive mood, living in God's favor, bringing the love straight to me from all the people around me. My kids, my husband. Christopher is the best. Chris has been so great I cant even tell you. Every girl should have a guy like him. He would do anything for me, I am lucky to have him. I sit here and wait for the next appointment on the 17th with the plastic surgeon to find out if I am able to be reconstructed. The breast surgeon showed me where she would cut if I get reconstruction. Reconstruction does not just happen the day of the surgery. Its a series of surgeries, and visits to maintain the expander. I have been researching other blogs and women that have already been through it. Just to get an idea...Well that is all I have for now. I know its tedious but it must be done. I leave you in the Grace and Favor of the Lord. Renee B.

Surgery Update

So they snuck the breast surgeon appointment in on me, or changed it at the last minute I should say so instead of a treatment I talked with the breast surgeon and got first the resident's thoughts and then the doctors thoughts on the whole situation. I am still trying to wrap my head around what was said. I am being referred to the plastic surgeon now. I dont know if that is good or bad. Still my decision whether I go through with this thing or not. Its a pretty big decision. I have wanted to have these conversations, I also wanted some prep time to hear what they say. These visits never get any easier. Its always something major everytime. I once want to go to a normal update where nothing is said or there is no news to be given, no decision to be made. That wouldnt be life I guess. I will be able to put it in words soon enough, not yet. It took me a bit to call my mom, she was unable to go to this appointment with me, Chris went. He is all for the surgery, cut off the head the rest dies he says. I am taking so much of this into account. I hope to hear the right things from the plastic surgeon, I know better than to have my hopes up for any reason. Go in ready for anything. Its not that I have my hopes down, but I wont purposely piss myself off if I can avoid it..lol. That is common sense. So maybe next post I can formulate into words my last visit. Its a doozy.....

Treatment

I go for my treatment this week. It usually gives me energy. Its not degenerative. The accessing of my port is the only painful part. They have the cream to numb the area. I have some somewhere. My view is I can handle it. Lets get it done. So talk to you later. Cheers.

Todays Word with Joel & Victoria 8-5-09

Look Beyond


TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"…Lift up now your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward;"
(Genesis 13:14, AMP)



TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
God has a place of victory in store for you today! You may be facing challenges. You may look around you and see impossible circumstances. In the natural, it may look like things won’t ever change, but God is saying today, “Quit looking at your circumstances and look up! Lift up your eyes of faith and look beyond where you are because there is victory as far as the eye can see!

Your enemies may have some power today, but remember, our God is All Powerful! There’s no foe that can stand against Him. Those things you are facing are temporary, but God Almighty is eternal. He’s the God who flung the stars into space. He’s the God who spoke the world into existence. When He said, “Let there be light,” light came at 186,000 miles per second. That’s power and that’s the God we serve.

I encourage you to stand strong today. Keep believing because He is working behind the scenes on your behalf. As you lift your eyes to Him, as you focus on His goodness, He will guide you and direct you in the path of victory in every area of your life!



A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, today I choose to lift up my eyes of faith toward You. Thank You for surrounding me with Your goodness and mercy. Thank You for believing in me and for preparing a good future for me. Fill my heart with Your peace and confidence as I continue to trust You in every area of my life. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Appointment Today

I waited since my last appointment for the letter to come to confirm the appointment time like the nurse told me to do. At the end of my last appointment the nurse gave me a paper that showed my next 5 or 6 appointments (all tentative). She (the nurse) told me the the confirmation will come in a letter and or a phone call. I waited all day until yesterday evening and I had no confirmation of the time. My mom called last night asking for the time of the appointment so she could go. I told her I hadn't gotten the confirmations so I would call the minute they start answering the phones at 8am. Then I can find out the time and then call her and let her know when to be there because she wanted to go with me. This is a big time appointment where a big time conversation will be taking place. I want her there. Well I called and they did not have an appointment on the schedule for me today. The lady on the phone looked everywhere in the system, I was no where in there for today. I then called my mom and told her to call and make sure because I want to go to my appointments. She called up there to and confirmed that I was not in the system for today. My next appointment is on the 5th for my chemo and then the 6th for my consultation for my radiation. So a little more waiting for me but I can do it. I always do. Ready. Set. Go.... I am already halfway to the finish line! YEah! RB

Stage 4

I want to talk a little about Stage 4. Its very scary. Before you can get to the healing you have to get over the horror of this phrase and all that is implied when it is said. I used to be held down by the title. If I had a title ever in my life I didn't expect it to be that. I have also seen that the women that come through Stage 2 or 3 or even 4 talk about how after its all said and done that everything they have been through turns out to be a blessing. I was startled at first when I saw that. How can this be a blessing? How? I had to adjust my thinking a bit. After all, these are women who have won their fight. I need to be in that frame of mind. So I start thinking about it. After a few weeks, I am starting to realize what they are talking about. I think that its very profound to even make this statement. Its very bold. Its almost unheard of. I know that if I wasn't forced to slow down I wouldn't have. I would have worked myself into a stuper, and how would that have been any better? I cant say what would have become of my career, and where I would be right now. All I know is that I am doing something greater than I could have ever done sitting in my office behind a desk and a computer. I am living my life to the fullest. I am getting to know the people I love. I am taking the time to be here for my kids, and whatever they want. I am slowing down so that I can get to know my own self, and what I am here to do on this earth. I do believe that we are all in this together. I truly believe that just being nice means so much to someone who is at their lowest. I know its all about your fellow man, not yourself. I am going to heal, and I am going out into this crazy world to help as many people as I can with my story. I am going to save as many women as I can just by telling them to care about themselves for a change. I am going to make a difference in someones life everyday if I can. Those are personal goals. The goals that I used to have were much different. It was all about me and getting the promotion, and paying off the cool car, and finishing paying for my house. Me me me. Its one way to go... Going through life knocking people out of their spot so you can take it. I used to be upset that this life was no longer available to me. Now I look at my former self and I think, wow, I didn't have a clue. The great feelings that come when you help someone is something I cant describe. I have had so many good things happen in my life. And I can tell you that none of that comes close to the good feelings that you can attain by doing the Lord's good work. I am a soldier of the Lord. You know at the beginning of this, because Stage 4 was a part of the first doctor visit, the doctor had to explain to me everything that he thought I needed to know about what was going on. During this conversation he spoke about the definitions of Stage 4. It was at that time he gave me 6 months. He said I would not live past 6 months. Its has been almost 3 years. That goes to show you that terms dont mean anything. Its the fight inside, its the will of your soul, its the determination of the spirit. I used to think that I needed the strength of others to help me along. I would want and almost need to see the people that I had around me. I used it to define myself. I knew who I was, part of that was based on my social life, and my friends and family. I soon found out that I was the only one who felt this way. I have seen the Lord bring people into my life and take people out. I lose a few and gain a hundred. I give everyone so much of a chance, that I dont really determine the good from the bad. I just try to give everyone a chance that I hope to get from people myself. Doesnt always work out that way. So if your like me, you have to take the signs from above. Check check and check. Hey no one said you are supposed to know everything. We learn as we go, thats all we can do. But learn, or you will be doomed to repeat it. I think its comical that grown men and women cant even grasp this concept. Owell, they will learn the hard way. And I will sit back and watch like people sit back and watch me. Difference is I put on a show, and I will have a grand finale, and a standing ovation. Some people I know will be lucky to have 10 people at their funeral. I dont know what to tell those people except... Good luck with that... More later, gotta go live my life...not wasting one second of it. Peace and love,
HuRah!
Renee

Surgery Update

So its 9 days officially till I go talk to the breast surgeoun. I am nervous yet semi excited. I have all the faith that this is victory for me. Only thing from now until then is keeping my mind quiet, not worrying about anything or getting ahead of myself. That seems to be the best thing for me to do right now. I do know that my body is in overdrive fighting right now because I almost have no energy. I dont sleep all the time, but I just have no energy, I get tired really quickly. If my body has to use all my energy to fight right now then so be it. I know its for the better. Fingers crossed. RB

Thank You

I had a posting that referred to my thanks to everyone in my first year of postings. It occurred to me I should write another one since its not shown posted anymore. (As I have said before, there are a year and a half of posting that I printed and have in a binder since 2007) I have to and want to thank all the people that are here for me. No names in particular, if you are sending me good thoughts, I love you, and I thank you. I don't sleep, I don't always have a clear head with all the meds and I do have the best of intentions. I will one day take the time to individually write each person. I love all of you so much. I thank each and every one of you for loving me, for being considerate during this difficult time, for thinking of me despite all that is going on within your own lives. I cant express my thanks enough. God is Good... ALL THE TIME!

Meds

Dam Chris went to get my medicine this morning. 1200 dollars people. Thats this month only. So don't tell me that I am not trying to get better. I have many more pills when I come out of a surgery. My pain dosage is the same as the day I got out of the hospital. They said when it starts making me tired then I will know that its too much. Now what I don't get is that my tolerance is my tolerance no matter what. How does your tolerance get less when you are taking the same thing. My tolerance has done nothing but increase. That's why I was in intensive care for so long. I have had to do some extra praying when it comes to this coming surgery. I am more nervous. They are going to working by my heart, and the stay last time was nothing less than traumatizing the first day. I have never been in so much pain, I have never cried so hard. I had to be asked to put back to sleep. Like who does that. After 8 hours of me yelling at them, they were more than happy to oblige me..lol.. My goal is to get down to only one pill. The hormone therapy pill. The one that helps me not feed the cells that are attacking me. Goal in sight, goal in mind, now I just have to wait to be done with this next surgery, and 6 weeks of radiation and my monthly chemo treatments, and in November when I get scanned again I am actually looking forward to that scan. I am interested to see what is left kind of thing. Here's hoping!

HOPE

Have
Optimism
Plus
Excellence

Facing Death

I miss being able
To get up and go
Now its all pills
And needles that flow.

Chemo, radiation, and doctor visits
That's my life now
I push forward no matter what
I don't know how

The power of faith
Is shining through
I believe in Lord Jesus
There is nothing he cant do

Believe and I will be healed my child
Is what he says and does
I believe in my saviour
No reason, just because

I can choose in this life
To do wrong or right
I can choose to die
Or get up and fight

You better believe
I will do my best
I know my calling
Its all a test

I face death in the eyes
Every single day
But Im not going out like that
It will be my way!

A poem by Renee B.
7/18/09

All I Want

All I want
Is to be there
When my girl goes to school
and my boy is flying an F22
Is that so much to ask?
Just like everyone else
I can not miss
What goes on in my family
I am being attacked within
An enemy I can not see
That lives inside me
Why did this happen?
Havent I been through enough?
Appearantly not
I have the capacity to learn more
which means...
I am highly regarded
in the spirit world
I get to learn the most
haha!

Dear Cancer,

Dear Cancer,
You piece of shit, why do you show up when things are perfect? I have no time to deal with your bull...To deal with you always trying to knock me down...Keep me down...Make me weak. Don't you know since I was born there has not been a day where I have been weak you stupid, ugly, nasty, joke of a disease? I demand you leave my body immediately. Its not ok for you to take away my time from my husband and children. Its not ok that you took away my ability to have any more children. Its not ok that I have to have surgery after surgery just to contain all the crap you started. Well let me tell you one thing. I am about to kick your ass. So be ready. Be ready.
Renee B.