Home From Hospital

I am very tired. I wrote this whole thing out already, and the computer didnt save it. I am just argh! over it. My fellow computer nerds out there kn0w my pain. I saved it DARNIT! And the program did not keep up with me. I type tooo fast. Owell. I will just do it again. In the mean time, I have a picture until I can get up enough strength to get back over here and sit and type it all again...





This is the top part of my leg and the bruising that has come with it. Owie. So I will get all the rest back on here after I take a rest.


Long story short, the 1 hour surgery took 3. I was in intensive care for 8 hours after that. I stopped breathing 3 times. I finally got a room of my own that night. I was only supposed to be there 1 day. I was in 3. I finally got home last night. I will fill in all the details shortly. Time to go take my meds, rest and I will be back very soon.


Thanks to my Chris, Christopher, Kristen, Mom , Lisa, Joe, Judy, Crae, Mikey, Jessica, Di, Grandma C. My hospital stay was bearable because of you guys. Mom, Chris, I couldnt have done it without you.


Shout out to Amelia, June, and Kim my f/b pals. I got your wall posts. I havent had a chance to check the rest of my messages. Thanks Jorge & Janet for the lasagna dinner tonight. Not to mention the strawberries, cherries, pineapple, and salad. You guys are the best. Lord knows I wont be cooking for a couple weeks! Its ok, I am bionic now I just need to fully heal.

My mother also said that Jesus was nailed too. I laughed. I never thought of that. She asked me if I put it in my blog. So here it is. I am nailed just like Jesus. I often make comparisons. If he can endure these atrocities then I can humbly suffer in silence in his honor. It makes me feel good about the pain if you can believe it. Ok, she has really lost it...lol... is what some of you may be thinking. I have a sense of humor about it also. I am just put in my place when I put it in those terms. Jesus Walks! and I will too...

Love to all!
Glory to God!
Thanks for all the prayers!
Thanks for sending angels!

Keep them coming!
Renee B.

Home from Hospital

Note: Recovered my lost draft, high five to my fellow geeks out there. I wasnt going to give up that easy... anyway... on with the post...



I was discharged from the hospital yesterday in the evening time. I would like to start from the beginning and talk about the surgery. I was very nervous, had almost no sleep as I previously posted. I knew I needed to do this. I chose to do this. And I was ready, believe me, just a little nervous. So I was told to be there at 8am. The second surgery of the day. Chris gets us there around 10 minutes early. We had already gotten the kids to schools. It so happened to be the day of the award ceremony for Kristen's perfect attendance. I was so down when I realized it was the same day. When I scheduled the surgery I only wanted the first day available. I wasnt even thinking about her award ceremony. Luckily my lovely aunt Judy offered to go video record it for me so I wouldnt miss it. My girl had her own cheering section, everyone went to support her. She set her mind to perfect attendance and ended up getting straight a's along with perfect attendance. I will update you on the trophy situation later. For those who were there you know.. for all others I will explain in another post. So... I get changed, and into my bed. I had already done all the pre-op things I needed to do. Basically all I had to do today was show up, get changed and get into bed. All complete!





So now I go to get my IV in. The woman decided to put it on the part of my wrist that bends, not thinking about the fact that I will be using a walker later... I will talk about the suffering I endured because of the placement of the IV. SO...


I am ready to go, I kiss Chris goodbye. The last I see him he is standing in the middle of the hallway telling me he loves me, holding my bag and my book. The last he saw of me, my hands were raised in the air in the champion stance, and I yelled, I AM COMING BACK BIONIC! He laughed. Through the double doors I go.





They wheel me into a room, like a holding place to double make sure my identity, they ask me my name, bday, and why I am there, which leg and all. I almost marked up my left leg and said, do not operate..wrong leg...lol...no really..lol. Anyway, all that is done, and a woman comes in the room and says, "Im taking her." and off I go. She wheels me to the operating area.





I am laying on the stretcher and a man comes up and says, "I am going to give you something to make you relax." Thats the last thing I remember....lol.



The next thing I know...

I wake up to someone sorta shaking me asking me if I am awake and telling me its over, Im done. Im like, no way. I had to ask the next lady walking by if I was really done. She says yes, so I was like, I must be done..lol.





Then all the sudden all I remember is pain like I have never ever ever felt before. It was excruciating. I started immediately crying hard..harder than I ever have. I told them to give me something now, please. After I got my senses a little when the pain came, I realized I was in intensive care. The surgery that was only supposed to be 45 minutes, took 3 hours in my case. The pain medicine they were giving me was almost a joke. I asked them if they looked at my charts and if they knew my tolerance was very very high. The medicine they gave me for the next 8 hours in ICU did nothing for me, the pain was so bad that I asked them why they woke me up. I was pissed at this point. The pain doctor that was paged over and over again, didnt c0me for almost 25 minutes. At this point I was more than pissed, crying, and my leg was felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer to it over and over again. I started practically yelling, "Where is she, why isnt she here, this is ridiculous, please someone do something." The nurse who had to have approval to give me anything else from the doctor that was taking forever just gave it to me. She said she wasn't waiting anymore. The medicine she gave me had no affect. The lady got there finally and I said.... "Where were you?" "I cant take it, please....."


I overheard the list of meds they gave me. It was enough to knock an elephant out. It still had no affect on me. I finally asked if they can just put me back to sleep. She said "Do you think that will help?" I was like... YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her that I didnt feel anything when I was asleep. She asked if I remembered what they gave me to relax me at the beginning of all this, and that is what she would give me. I said THANK YOU THANK YOU... PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME. I also in the midst of all my crying apologized over and over to all involved. I told them I wasnt trying to be difficult, that it hurt so bad. I then just remember, nothing but being half asleep and half awake. I was hyperventilating until I finally got enough oxygen to help me relax fully. It was finally enough to make me relax, and try to recover a little bit from this surgery. Then all I remember is all the alarms going off and everyone saying breathe. breathe Renee. Apparently I stopped breathing 3 times during all the pain medicine fiasco. I, each time, was able to come back quickly and start breathing again. I wasnt far away or anything. My blood pressure was just so low, my pulse low, and my breathing shallow are all side effects of the pain medicine they gave me. They finally got me somewhat under control. Around then is when they gave me a pump that fed me medicine every 6 minutes. All I had to was push the button. It was around then I finally got a room.

In the midst of being half awake and half asleep, they allowed Chris to come visit me for 5 minutes. It was probably the 6th hour of me being in ICU. I tried to be so brave for him. I knew they had been waiting almost 9 hours when they were only supposed to be waiting 1 hour. They were scared. I was scared too. I just cried and told him that I have been crying since I woke up. I told him I was sorry. I was really trying to be brave for everyone, most of all me. I didnt want all of the good feelings about this to come crashing down around me. I did not expect any of this. No one did. It was traumatic. All I could say was it hurts. It hurts. He told me to hang on as he always does. He held his composure even though he was walking into a mess. I would not have been able to see him like that. He is so strong. I am so lucky. My mother and him are the dynamic duo, they take care of everything. And my kids, and Lisa, and Jess make sure I have everything else. I am lucky to have them.





So Judy had to go, she had Mikey, and they waited as long as they could. As we all thought, I would be out in an hour and everyone would be able to see me. The kids had to be picked up from school, and Judy had to go because Reatha was coming home. Judy had to take the baby home and also pic up Unc Crae from work. When I finally got a room in the night, I was so out of it, and so tired. I was just glad to be out of intensive care. I got a room by myself. I was so glad. No one else was in there. My doctors were great about seeing me, checking on me. I was only supposed to be in the hospital 1 day. It ended up being 3. I had to stay longer due to my pain.

My pain management doctor came to see me and asked me how I was. She said that they convert everything back to morphine when calculating pain meds. I was up to 300 mg of morphine a day for my pain. My pills were only half that, so they could not just cut me off and then send me home with half strength pain medicine compared to what I was getting. I was telling her about my experience with the pain, and how much it hurt. She also asked me if I had ever seen a orthopedic surgery. I said no. She said it is pretty brutal. She said they have carpenters tools in there. They literally hammer things into place, use all kinds of tools that they normally dont use in a surgery. She told me I had been through a traumatic experience.



I will post about the rest of my stay in another posting. It will about when I got to my room and then on..

Till then,
I call on my angels to give me strength and healing, Amen.
Renee

Time of your life..... By: Green Day

This was one of the best times that we have all ever had. I have a special place in my heart for New Orleans. The music, the people, that dancing. Its a great time to be had, if you can hang...lol.




(This is a picture of Chris, Bronco, Alan, Carol, and myself. We were on our hotel on Bourbon Street on our balcony during Mardi Gras. It was the time of our lives for sure!)


Time of Your Life
Green Day

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

(music break)

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.



I hope you had the time of your life.

Nervous

So I can not sleep. I am nervous. I was more nervous for my hysterectomy. If I got through that, this should be a breeze. Still surgery is still nerve-wrecking. I am nervous, but the natural kind. I am so ready to do this, you wouldn't believe. I am coming out bionic. lolololol....

LIVE YOUR LIFE

If I ever had a theme song, this is it..

Live Your Life
By: T.I. & Rihanna

You're gonna be a shining star,
With fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Aint got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.

T.I.:
Never mind what haters say, ignore 'em 'til they fade away
Amazing their ungrateful, after all the game I gave away
Safe to say I paved the way, for you cats to get paid today
You'd still be wasting days away, now had I never saved the day
Consider them my protégé, homage I think they should pay
Instead of being gracious, they violate in a major way
Ive never been a hater, still I love them in a crazy way
Some say they sold ya and no they couldn't get work on Labor day
It ain't that black or white, there's an area in the shade of gray
I'm west side anyway, even if I left today and stayed away
Some move away to make a way, not move away 'cause they afraid
I brought back to the hood and all you ever did was take away
I pray for patience but they make me want to melt their face away
Like I once made them spray, now I could make 'em put the K's away
Been thugging all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break
You would rather see me catch a case and watch my future fade away

Rihanna:
You're gonna be a shining star,
With fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
You got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.

T.I.:
I'm the opposite of moderate,
Immaculately polished
With the spirit of a hustler
And the swagger of a college kid.
Allergic to the counterfeit,
Impartial to the politics.
Articulate
But still would grab a nigga
By the collar quick.
Whoever had problems,
With their record sales
Just holla TIP.
If that don't work
And all else fails,
Then turn around and follow TIP.
I got love for the game
But hey I'm not in love with all of it.
I can do without the fame
And the rappers nowadays in comedy.
The hootin' and the hollerin',
Back and forth with the arguing.
Where you from,
Who you know,
What you make and
What kind of car you in.
Seems as though you lost sight
Of what's important
When depositing them checks.
Into your bank account,
And you're up out of poverty.
Your values are in disarrayed,
Prioritizing horribly.
Unhappy with your riches
Cause your piss-poor morally.
Ignoring all prior advice
And fore warning.
Now we mighty
Full of ourselves
All of a sudden aren't we?

Rihanna:
You're gonna be
A shining star,
With fancy clothes, And fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, You're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, Who you are-are.
So live your life, Ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
You got no time for no haters.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh! ), Ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), My life (oh), My life (ay), My life (oh)Just living my life (ay), My life (oh), My life (ay), My life (oh)

So live your life.

TI):
Got everybody watchin what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And come see the way I'm livin
If you really want to
Got my mind on my money
And I'm not goin nowhere
So keep on gettin your paper
And keep on climbing
Look in the mirror and keep on shining
Till the game ends, till the clock stops
Were gonna post up on the top spot
Livin the life, the life

In a brand new city got my whole team with me
The life, my life I do what I wanna do
I'm livin my life, my life I will never lose,
I'm livin my life, my life And I'm not stopping
So live your life!

(Rihanna):
You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
We steady chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)
Just living my life (ay), my life (oh), my life (ay), my life (oh)

So live your life.!!

I Can See Your Halo

I absolutely love this song. I couldnt listen to it at first because it is so close to what I would say to each and every person who has had any part of helping me in any way. It was very emotional.

I really send this out to my mom. Chris. the kids. Grandma. my sisters. my brothers. You guys have been with me all the way, no matter what. I can never come up with the words that I need to tell you my appreciation. You literally saved my life. In every way.

Also want to dedicate this to a few others, Crae & Judy, Jorge& Janet, Aunt Mary Margaret, Jean Ann, Martha, Susan, Don & Shirley, Father Michael, Doug, Aunts & Uncles from my fathers side who helped with my wedding. Teresa & Cathy, Di, Christina, Cat, Amelia, Clare, Jean... just to personally name a few.

Also my friends. So many of you, you know who you are... love you all!!



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Remember those walls I built?

Well, baby they are tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in

But, I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had, you break it

It's the risk that I'm taking

I ain't never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby, I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby, I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

Halo, ooh ooh.....

Hit me like a ray of sun

Burning through my darkest night

You're the only one that I want

Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again

But this don't even feel like falling

Gravity can't forget

To pull me back to the ground again

It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had, you break it

It's the risk that I'm taking

I'm never gonna shut you out!

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby, I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby, I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

Halo, ooh ooh.....

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

Halo, ooh ooh.....

Halo, ooh ooh.....

Halo, ooh ooh, ooooh........

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby, I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby, I can feel your halo

I pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

Halo, ooh oooh.......

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

I can feel your halo

I can see your halo

Halo, ooh oooh.......

Pre-op

I went Friday and did my pre-op. Get this. I took myself. Big step for me. I hear the cheers from all my angels! Anyway, they did an EKG, and talked to me about anesthesia. I got outta there around 2 and then we went to Kroger day at Hawaiian Falls. They rented the whole park out. Was fun. I saved my steps the entire week so I could walk around without my cane or crutches. I pretty much stayed in the wave pool and the lazy river. I felt it the next day trust me on that. But it was worth it. My mom was like, my coworkers are going to see you and I wanted them to at least see you with your cane or something. I am like, heck with what everyone thinks. Like, am I supposed to look a certain way because I have this "c" and I should look like I am knocking on deaths door. Hell with that. I will not look sick for anyone just because they think I should look a certain way. Bald, half dead, pale. Whatever. I can tell you now that you will never see me like that! No deal!
I push on, this is a good thing. My choice to do this. Try and stop me!
Wish me luck. Send me angels. Say prayers.

LETS DO THIS!

Love to the masses,
Renee

Ortho Appointment Today

So today was the ortho appointment. My two sisters and my mom picked me up and we go one hour early because the last time we were there we waited for so long it was ridiculous. So this time guess what, we got there an hour early and waited even longer. Thirty minutes till the xrays. Two and a half hours in the waiting room. Three hours in the examining room waiting for the doctor. I mean we looked through every cabinet, my sister played with every gadget, went up and down on the bed, and finally jumped on the internet on the computer in the room. And we were late picking up K. my daughter from school. So we looked for beach houses for when we go to Padre. Luckily it all paid off because he is a Dr. McDreamy. Jess named him..lol. My mom said.. well my knee hurts too...lol.. Neways....
So from the xrays, the lesion has progressed and the doctor told me it was up to me if I wanted to have surgery. He showed me the xrays of then and now on the computer in the room. If you wanna picture it, basically it is like someone took a bite out of my bone. That is what I lesion is. It technically isnt a fracture because there is no crack, but the stress that it causes on the rest of my bones cant be good. That is why I have pain, at least one of the reasons. It is now over half my right femur bone. That was why the computer was in there to begin with. To show us our xrays or records. They have one in every room. I was advised from my pain management doctor on the visit last week that if the doctor recommends the surgery that I should do it. I asked the doctor if after the surgery, would I need a cane to walk.?? He said no. I said thats what I want. Lets do it. I agree. Before it breaks and I will have to do this anyway. SO I am getting a rod inserted in my leg as the support for my right femur bone. They make an incision on my hip, and on my knee and basically push the rod down in and anchor it to my hip and my knee basically. I asked for the earliest day they had. I want to do this. My mom suggested to wait till after my sister has her baby in a couple weeks. Heck no. I cant think about this for two weeks, wobbling around in pain. I hope it will ease at least some of the pain. My surgery date is June 1st. And it sucks because I realized after we got home that it is the same day as my daughters award ceremony for her perfect attendance trophy she is going to get. I am so proud of her. This is one of those things that I am going to have to miss. I feel like I let her down. Jess and Lis will go and take picts for me when I wake up. But at least I will be able to have a nice summer hopefully being able to go places like the zoo and Six Flags where I can walk around. We are going to Kroger night at Hawaiian Falls on Friday. They rented it out. So I will be in the wave pool and lazy river all day relaxing and preparing for Monday. Send me angels and prayers. I stay overnight in the hospital then I can come home. Maybe a couple 2-3 days taking it easy. Then I should be good to walk. At least without my cane. The rod will support my bone and hopefully be a step in the right direction. Fingers crossed!

Randy Pausch

I have to say when I think of hero I think of this man. His last lecture. A friend sent me a copy of the cd of The Last Lecture and it was difficult to watch. I had to in stages. But it was good for me. Dare I say that I am trying to leave a small bit of the affect he had on the world. It is tough for me to speak of him. I didnt even know him. I only know of his brave face he kept while staring death straight in the face. When he lost his battle, I really took it personally. I know he had a different cancer, and different circumstances but the message is the same. That is where I sit from looking in. Maybe I will be able to touch on this subject more later. I just had to make some sort of tribute to this brave man.... and his message.

Hecka Great Time on Sunday

I have to say hats of to my Uncle Crae formerly given the title of Unc is the crawfish master. He has having a crawfish boil down to a science and I have to thank our wonderful hosts Mike and Reather. Its always fun hanging out. Swimming. Gardening. I love you guys garden. Fun in the sun and serving it up by the pound. Those 60 pounds came and went... I cant believe there was still some when we left. I for the first time was completely full on crawfish. And as Chris says, the Craetoofay (have no clue how to spell that), was delicious as well. Beer chicken. Roasted corn. Crawfish. Beer. Fun. It was a day to remember. That man can cook Judy, he is a keeper. But you already know that..lol. Love you guys!

My friend Alice

I want to dedicate this posting to a friend that I used to have. She is technically family too but I called her my friend. I realize during all that I have been through that I wasnt there for her at the time in her life she needed me. She had major tragedy in her family and when she pulled away from me I should have been more understanding. All I saw was the hurt from her not calling me back, that I didnt think about how much pain she must still be in, what else I could do to be there for her like the best friends we used to be. I miss her. And I dont care who reads this. I am women enough to admit when I am wrong too, and I was wrong. There were other factors that got caught up in all this, but in the long run its all petty. I know when to say when. I know lives have moved on, but we had some great times. Thats what I think about when I think about my friend. Not one stupid fight that made us not talk since. Anyway, own up, dont lose your friends. People that would give anything, and have given alot for you. You would be lucky to find another friend like that.
Peace!

Christina Applegate

I want to say that I saw her for the 2nd time today on Oprah. That show originally aired last October during breast cancer awareness month. I could bear it a little more this time. The first time it was on, it was one of the hardest things to sit through. Its finally someone who knows what you are going through. I wasnt so lucky in finding my cancer early, that is why I fight for early detection. For women to get checked early. She is fighting to bring the same message out there and I feel like she is a fellow soldier. A fighter. And a survivor. I am working to get there. I thought I would clarify why I havent had a double mastectomy yet.
When I first started all this I was ready to march in there and do what I had to do. In my case the doctors basically told me that they do a mastectomy to prevent spreading. My cancer had already spread. It was so depressing to know that the doctors basically told me there is no point to do the surgery that they usually use to save women from this. That was a rock bottom day.
Personally, I know I will have to have to surgery eventually. By my own choice. I plan on having reconstruction as well if I ever get the go to do the surgery. It would be elective, or until I can find a surgeon who feels differently. Chris feels that if you cut of the brain the rest will die. He wants me to have to surgery. He says whatever will keep me here with him longer is what we will do. Maybe its a good thing that I have the time to prepare. I have had to have one surgery after another though, so maybe that is the preparation. I dont know. I search for comfort, for answers, for reasons to move forward or not.
I saw such bravery, such heartache in her. I dont see the bravery in myself, I sometimes think I am not strong enough. Just when Susan Komen's sister was on and talking about her sister, and she had to turn to Christina and say, remember that is not you. We identify so much with someone with a similar story, that if that person loses their battle its devastating to the mental aspect of things. The sadness in her eyes was the sadness I recognize. Its denial. Its disbelief.
I am just starting to realize the blessing part of it. She said she was told by Melissa Etheridge that it was a blessing and be thankful. That everyday is a different day, and you can change everything now. Its coming clear that if you dont use this as a blessing that it will eat you alive. I can choose to spiral into the depths of hell, or climb the mountain to the light. I choose light.
I am with you Christina. Every step of the way!

Pain Management Update

Went to pain management. Met the nurse and doctor there. I really liked her. She is taking over my pain medication. The nutritionist had to leave in the morning before we got to see her but we will see her as soon as we can. I am happy to report this is the first of any of my doctors who has told me that nothing is irreversible. Can you believe it? I have never heard those words from any of my doctors. It was encouragement I know. But still. It means alot to hear at least a little hope coming from the people that are taking care of you. I go tomorrow to the ortho doc again. They will xray my leg. See the progression. Supposedly let me know if I will need surgery. Well see about that. My guess, they will say lets check it again in a month. Honestly, I have been using my cane as much as I can. Sometimes I just start walking out of habit without my cane. On my own, I dont walk to much, I call it saving my steps. If I sit or lay all day, then I can walk to get Kristen, or go to the store. I am not going to just lay back and loose my progress I have made. I believe my leg is better. Not progressive. We will see. I have been swimming a couple of times. Have a slight tan already...lol.. fun in the sun as they say. Kids out of school in a week. Cant wait. I hold on to the positive and I do feel positive. Good thing for sure.

MY First Mountain MOVED

I thought I would share my first accomplishment related to my cancer. Well the first one is the most important to me so far. This was a challenge I made against myself. I chose the people to have with me on that special night. Chris, my mom, Alan, and Carol. My mom was there babysitting for me and we had a bottle of champagne to open for when we got back from the party to celebrate with her (my mom).

Reasoning for picking them to share my special moment:

Alan has always been a great guy, and has done so much for me over the years. I always loved talking with him about anything and everything doing with business, and life in general. I never told him, but if I ever had a dad, he is everything I would have wished for. When I had to choose a day to induce my labor for Kristen, it happened to be March, and it happened to be in the span that included March19th, which is Alan's bday. So I chose Alan's bday. She happened to come before that, but it is written in her chart that she was scheduled to be born on the 19th. He was also there on my original wedding when Chris and I got hitched in Vegas. He drove us to the airport (since they couldnt go) which (to me) was his way of walking me down the aisle..lol.. Its silly to say... I knew him before Carol did. My mother introduced them to each other. My old stepdad, Lisa's dad knew a guy named Dino, who knew Alan and brought him over to our house one time when he visited. After that he came over a few times and visited. They used to work out with Lewis or bike...lol..somethin like that. neways.. After she got to know him well enough, my mom thought he would be perfect for her sister Carol. So she introduced them. They have been together ever since. Carol used to babysit us (my sister and I) for my mom. My mom has 12 brothers and sisters of all ages so while some are off in different cities or working, the ones that are around are the ones you remember the most from your childhood. No fault of their own, they are just off living. I knew Carol to be one of the cool aunts. When your a kid you remember who was cool to you or when someone is mean to you. Hence, they (Alan & Carol)have been around me since I was a kid. Later....Alan hit it off really well with Chris. It was a given that I get along with Carol. We ended up doing everything together. Birthdays, Friday night dinners, Mardi Gras, Journey concerts, , movies, hanging out as each others houses, the State Fair, you name it, we did it. Time flew. I never thought about it but before we know it over 10 years goes by. Heck Christopher was about 2-3 years old, and he is about to be 16 so you do the math.



I dont think anyone (even Chris) realized what a special day that was for me. It was the first time I felt like maybe I would be ok. It was the first mind over matter experience for me. I just wouldnt accept that I may not ever walk again. I would not accept that I would never dance again, as corny as that sounds. I would not accept that I would be confined to a chair or a bed when I have so much to do.



When I was first diagnosed and had radiation on my lower spine and abdomen it made the nerve pain and the pain down my legs unbearable. I could not stand, I could not walk, I could not sit up straight. When I had to take a shower I would just stand there and cry because I wasnt able to stand for any length of time without my leg seizing up. I would take a few steps and then I would seize up. I would try to sit down and it was painful. I had to do this slouching position. I had such a hard time then because it was so sudden. I couldn't drive, I couldn't do anything. All this started in April 07 right from the get go.


The Christmas of 06, Chris's company threw the best, most lavish party there ever was. It was at the Four Seasons, they rented out every ballroom and turned it into a theme in every room type deal. Full food, full service bar, live band and a dance floor to boot. We went in 06, and it was the most fun Chris and I have had in a long time. When all this happened, I couldn't believe that I may not be able to dance at the party coming up this year in 07. So that was it. I told Chris that I would be walking, and dancing by this years Christmas party, no questions asked.


This gave me target date to shoot for and a mini goal to reach for. The months pass by, I finished my 16 radiation treatments. To tell you the extent of my radiation, it made me baron, unable to bear any more children. Hard pill to swallow. Also the level of radiation I would have needed to completely eradicate the cancer on my spine would have paralyzed me. The radiation oncologist gave me the dosage he could. After that, I went to pain management, I did everything I could to try to figure out a way around this pain. I felt that the pain management I had at the time did not have any affect... I talk about that in another posting...anyways


So all the while my sister gets me a walker, and I refused to use it. I asked my grandmother to carve me a cane (she is a woodcarver) and she did. Its a beautiful cane, and still I refused to use it. When I would use it, it would hurt worse. I was overcompensating from what the doc said. I didnt want my body to get used to bending all sorts of wierd ways just to walk..



SO I just pushed on. I walked no matter what, hurt or not. I would commit to walking the few blocks to pick up Kristen at school everyday. Making sure I have sunglasses on, for when the tears came. I never let her see me cry.


Along comes the special day, and we can think of no other to invite than my Uncle Alan, and my aunt Carol who up until recently have been a constant presence in our lives . Many a dinner, many a night, many a bottle of wine has been spent with them. We took pictures together that night, that I let Alan & Carol take home with them. Maybe they will post it sometime....



Anyway



My aunt Mary took me to get a manicure, and pedicure, my uncle (hairdresser, Stanley Korshak) cut my hair for me, and I went to get a dress and shoes for the formal night.












Folks, I did it. I went to that Christmas party and danced the night away. They called us on stage to dance, and I was like come on Carol lets go. She said no she didnt want to go. Sorry I had to leave her standing there, because there was no way I wasnt going to jump on stage and celebrate the fact that I can even dance without breaking down in tears, without having to endure pain in secret so no has a bad time, that I can even dance at all. I was the first one up there then the flood gates opened. A bunch of girls followed. You know how it takes one person to get the party started then every one else that wanted to go but was too shy, gets up and comes out. Well I will be the one to get the party started, you can count on that! I can say later, maybe after a few drinks loosened her up, she finally got up there and danced.



It didn't matter, I made it. I was walking. I was standing. I was dancing. It was the most special day I have had in a long time. A night to remember.

Coast to Coast AM

I wanted to share with you that I got onto the radio not to long ago. If anyone knows me or my grandmother, they know we are fans of the late night talk show Coast to Coast Am. It touches on all kinds of subjects from paranormal, to scientific, government, to other dimensions, to time travel.. the list goes on. You would be fascinated by some of the items discussed on this program. Being as my grandma is a night owl like myself, and the fact that I haven't exactly slept in 2 years... I stay up late and I find myself tuning in. Well on March 27, 2009 there was a lady on the program by the name of Diana Cooper. She explained how she got cancer in her twenties with no history and how it was a life changing experience. She ended up believing in angels and communicating with angels. She was talking and I was listening to what she was saying about being able to call on angels for things as small as help with a parking space. That all we had to do was ask. She also said that we can send angels to other people in need, and also call upon them ourselves at any time. I said ok, if this is true, then I want to get through to the show tonight. I call on the Angels to get me on the radio. So I waited for them to give the number out, and I called. And I called until I got a ring. I got an answer and they put me on hold to talk to George Noory! Anyone who knows this show knows this is a big deal. I waited and I waited, and then I hear, this is Renee in Dallas.... I couldnt believe it. I was on the radio, first time caller, worldwide program, and I got through. So I told them very briefly what the deal was, and asked for everyone listening to send an angel my way tonight. She told me that just by asking I automatically got angels sent to me, not to mention the ones being sent by others. She told me that I was going through this because I needed to slow down. She told me that I had the power to heal myself. I couldnt believe that I got through. There was enough of a delay that I got to hang up, and then hear myself back again. It was so cool. I cant tell you the sense of overwhelming calm and joy that overtook me. I could feel the angels all around me. I could feel the care of the world upon my shoulders. It felt pretty great. I cant even describe the feeling. It must be what heaven feels like. Like love multiplied by thousands. The cool thing is alot of people that dont stay up late can download the show and lots of people listen at all times of the day. So I knew and felt the angels being sent to me not only that night, but still by the people listening later. You can still listen to it if you wanted to. I am dubbing a copy for my grandma. It was my proof of angels all around me. Needless to say, I will ask all of you to send me an angel, send me and angel, right now.... right now... ok did anyone else burst into song there... 80's music at its best... anyway... This Diana Cooper also had some pretty cool things to say about unicorns too... but that for another post.
I thought it was pretty cool, ask and I received. I didnt need proof. I know that there are angels and that I have heavily depended on every bit on my angels, guides, spirits, and guidance, that I can. Lord knows I have needed it.

I call on Jesus, angels, My Saint, Archangel Raphael, to heal me, mind body and soul. I ask that you watch over each and every person who reads this blog as we all seek to do better within ourselves and within the world. I am here to answer your call. Amen. Dont be afraid to call on your angels, your hope. It makes everything a little bit brighter, a little bit more bearable.
According to Lakewood Church, and Pastor Joel Osteen all you need to do is say, Jesus, I bring you into my heart. I make you my Lord and Saviour... to start a new. I have said it and said it. I mean it too. And hey people shunned Jesus too, so I am in good company right? Love to the masses!

Remember

Its important for me to say that I care very much about my family and what they are going through as well. I dont point the finger all the time and say me, me, me. Lately I have just been able to express feelings that I have not been able to express ever. Pent up emotions that I can not let myself get caught up in or I will not heal. I can not allow myself to feel anything but happy times. What I love to do is be there for family. I cook for my family, I send food, plates, a care package as Chris likes to call it. I make sure my people are fed. I will take off my own plate for you in a minute. I serve the men. I believe when a man works hard its not a big deal to get them their plate and let them relax. Get them a beer. No big deal. I dont know anything else. Although I havent exactly been involved in anyones life lately. It seems like no one wants to burden me with anything or have me burden them. Not judging, just observing. I know people have alot going on. I know people have their own lives, own problems, their own issues they have to deal with. I think all it did was alienate me from everyone because I felt abandoned. Dont get me wrong, so many people have been there for me as well. My grandmother is a walking angel on this earth. She sees past alot of bull. Her and I have had some great conversations. And trust me, she knows the real deal. Many of my distant family has come to aid. My fathers family are there sending me prayers. I dont know anymore. I have become so discouraged and then on the other hand renewed. I dont know how else to make sense of it but to say that I only try to not make anyone feel as I have felt when I am hurt. Do unto others as best as I can. I dont judge anyone. I only make observations of my life, of what has happened from my point of view. If no one shares their point of view, well mine is all I have isnt it. I feel I have tried so hard. I have treated people kindly always. I am very direct, blunt, but I dont say anything to hurt feelings. I like to put it all out there, hold nothing on my heart. When I feel I am wronged, I see nothing else. I have only tried to be the best I can to everyone. And I will continue to be the best I can be strangers, friends, family. I can only be me. Thats all I can be.

Permission

I do not give permission to copy, print, or reproduce my blog in any way. These are all my own thoughts, words, blood, sweat, and tears. I give permission to forward the link to as many as you can, and soon my video blogs will be available to forward as well. Yay a new subject. I am currently learning editing, video and production.

www.kickingcancersass.blogspot.com

Anyway, off point, this material is copywritten, so dont copy me... in the word of Missy Elliot...lol.. lator, gator!

Grieving

I go through a lot of books. I try to gain knowledge and also try to find new ways to think about things. New ideas, new approaches. I read a lot of books about grieving after my 4 month old niece passed away from SIDS in 2001. Trying to look for some kind of answers. Trying to learn what I could to try to help my sister. Try to help us all through this. Its been a while since I pulled out and looked at any material of this subject. What I realized when I was having a really hard time, when I was severely depressed, when I would just cry and cry that a lot of it was over the things that I would miss if I did not win my battle. So many things from being able to see my kids graduate, watching my business's grow and become successful, selling my first flip, retiring on our ranch/nature reserve/dog rescue. I mean the list goes on and on. When I say I plan and make goals I mean it. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Life is what happens when your busy making plans right. Well all the plans were made. I realized that everyday I was letting go of another possibility, dreading the thoughts of something that I had always planned to be at, to do and now I may not get to. I realized that I was grieving. So here I go to pull out my reading material on grieving and sure enough. It also made me think that none of us are offered a sure thing anyway. Mind you, this is months and months of thinking, misery, crying, and realizing all wrapped into a paragraph so forgive if it sounds light. This is a major breakthrough for me. I also realized finally that I can still have goals, just because I may take a different route to get there doesnt make it any less of a goal, any less of a journey. I used to think I knew so much, that I had at least a little of it figured out. Turns out, I am learning still. That is good for me though, it means I am choosing to grow as a person, to look at my own faults which is more than I can say for some people. To each his own right. Like I said, if you dont learn it when it presents itself for you to learn, then life will find a different way to teach you. Simple as that.

Major Realization-Education

So I have been toying with schools, doing very in depth research, looking into scholarships so that I could sit here and have a masters degree by the time I am done healing. I am good at so many things. There are so many directions I could go with picking a major. I finally settled on Accounting and Business with accreditation's in 13 other categories. Yes I said it right, 13. I would end up with an Associate in Business with 5 special recognition categories, and a Bachelor in Accounting with 8 special recognition categories which would fall into to line with my business plans, allow me to be my own accountant, be a certified CPA, and run my business until I get enough for my property management company which is where all my hard work would end up. Real estate. My true callings are real estate, and stock market. The financial world. Money. Numbers. I excel at all these things. I have learned the insides and outs of real estate and also have a real estate school lined up as well. To be able to put my own homes on the market and sell them. I dont need a license to sell homes in Texas, but it does give you access to MLS which is very helpful for comps... ok I just went off into another world. What I realized after aaaallllloooot of thinking that my main focus now is to heal. I just told myself to slow down, focus on healing and then I can unleash the monster of learning that I have inside me. What you really look for is something that makes you happy. Well, I know one thing, doing this blog makes me happy. Trying to help people makes me happy. Trying to cause awareness make me happy. Trying to save lives makes me happy. I am learning to have faith, to let go of so much control and it will come to me anyway. I know I will be in real estate, I know I will be in the stock market. I know that I will help women. I can do all of it. In the particular order of healing helping, and helping healing. All I know is that I got word back that because of my begging and pleading with women to get tested, some did, and some found cancer. It saved them. That makes me feel good beyond words. If I could save one women I said, when I started this, it would all be worth it. Early detection is what I am talking about. Being proactive. Making sure you dont go through having to deal with anything worse than you have to. I can live with devoting my life to helping save the lives of as many people as I can, and I would be just fine with it. Perspective is something you gain when you open your ears, your heart, your life, for someone else. I am definitely learning all I can. I am trying anyway. I hope to inspire as many of you as I can do be passionate and do what makes you happy inside your heart. If you listen, your heart speaks to you. Your angels speak to you. Your conscience speaks to you. Get out of your own way, get out of what people may think of you. Lets do this together.

Control

I have thought a lot about the control that I have try to have over my life. This Stage 4 Cancer is not the only big challenge that I have had. I was a teen mother. I had my son at age 16. My husband and I have made a success out of it now that my son is about to be 16, and our daughter just turned 8. I should be an advocate for teen pregnancy as well and how to succeed at it because, I did, and I am succeeding at it. You see, when I found out of course it was a big thing, a life changing thing. I was pushed by high school to consider abortion, and adoption as an option for my son because the statistics of young families that succeed were all against us. Again family had plenty to say about it. Plenty to say about Chris, plenty to say about me. I vowed that I would make all those people eat their words and I did, and I have, and I will continue too. My children weren't going to be any ones statistics. I was going to make sure that they had direction, something I didn't get from anyone. I took the one time, (and yes it takes only one time young girls out there!), and had to change my whole life because of it. But I did it. I knew what I was going to have to do, I made the plan and I did it. I have very successful children, I am about to pay a house off, and before I was diagnosed I had the job I wanted, in the building I wanted, and the car I wanted in the house that I was paying cash for. Tell me that I didnt have control over my life. I went to school and worked and had a 1-2 year old. I worked my way up through the chains of the business world and made my money. I am a firm believer that experience is every bit as valuable than a degree of any kind. I made the same money as a person with a bachelor degree. I had a 2006 (brand new at the time) Mustang GT package, silver with black racing stripes. I worked my way up, got great experience, and was able to negotiate my salary to what I wanted. Basically everything I had worked for since I was 15 years old, and I found out I was pregnant came crashing down around me within a months time when I was diagnosed with cancer. I had to go on disability, and I lost my car. I couldn't drive it anyway, the pain when I would drive was almost unbearable. But I didn't care. I loved my mustang. I know this is why it was so much harder to take when I lost everything. Two years later, I realize I made it much harder on myself or maybe its just that its been 2 years and its not as hurtful. I just know that my thoughts were wrapped around accomplishing goals. I had accomplished my goals, and just like that it was wiped out. But that is where the control comes in. I was in control of everything in my life. I don't know anything else. Then all the sudden I had to give up control of everything in a snap second. Something I didn't know how to do. I am a scientific mind in that I develop my plan after I know what is happening. No one could tell me what was happening. How do I make my plan?
With this, I have to give up all the control that I have always known and embrace the unknown. Embrace the fact I cant know everything, and that its ok. I have never known that its ok to not know sometimes. I have never had to let go like this. I know its going to be a very hard thing to remember, try to practice, and try to remind myself of since this is all I have known. I am positive again in the fact that I feel better mentally, the pain is there as always, but I am controlling (there is that word again...lol) it as best I can with meds. I still get sick, hot flashes, dizziness, and am tired all the time. But I am here. I will see what this world has in store for me as I go with the flow, and not against it.

Doctor Visit May 5

I have purposefully not written to let everything sink in. We went to the visit where they were supposed to have this great plan of action for me. I told my mother as she was trying to make me feel better after the ortho appt., that nothing would change, and not to get disappointed when they dont change my meds and basically say the same thing. I think that previous to this I thought my personal army of doctors would come in and say, well you obviously want to live, then here we are, lets save you. It just doesnt happen that way. They basically tell you that how long you live doesnt matter now, its you quality of life. Well you know where they can stick that. I am writing this for the women out there that can save themselves because of all the crap I have been through. They can say, well we can cut half of that out and just take the lessons I have learned away. It doesn't matter to me. I have crossed a threshold of making this not about me, making it about how I saved my life, my sanity, my spirit, my feelings. Lots of people dont exactly write out there rock bottom moments for everyone to read, judge, comment on. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that is why I write it. I got you thinking, didnt I? SOOOO
back to the doctor, I went in this time with a renewed attitude, and I just showed up for my appt, got my pain meds, and let my mom hear that they arent changing anything and we left. Of course I had to tell her, I told you so. But its just what I have learned. They dont wanna over commit. They dont wanna promise something they cant. Its a big hurry up and wait. I can say that I am going back to Pain Management, which I have already done. The 3 cortisone shots in my spine didnt anything for me the last time. I have been told to give it another chance. I also am going to speak to a nutritionist which I have never done. You think this stuff would be a given. Well its not.
Learn as I go...

Friday-May1

I went today and had more scans. They schedued me for 10, 10:30am and 8pm. The 8pm one was the MRI. The one where they slide you in the big magnet that takes pictures. This one was for my abdomen. The first CT scans were for my neck and chest. So they shot radioactive dye in me 3 times that day. We spent alllllll day there. I do not like doing MRI's. They take sooo long. The last time I was in, the lady said that it would take 45 minutes. You must lay still, not move, and listen to the machine and the lady for when you have to take a breathe in and hold it for the pictures. another thing, Im not a fish, It was tough to hold it for the length that it takes to get the pictures they need. So 45 minutes came and went, and here I am still in the machine. I started freaking out in there, crying and it wasnt a great memory. These are the last scans till my appt. We'll see.

YEAH

HERE THAT...COMING BACK!

Today's Word with Joel & Victoria

You Have Been Planted
TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain"(John 12:24, NKJ)
TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria
We all face difficulties and challenges in life. But you have to remember, as a believer in Jesus, you have the life-giving seed of Almighty God on the inside of you. When you go through disappointments or tough times, you may feel like you’ve been buried. You may feel like you’re in a dark, lonely place. You may feel like it’s the end, but in reality, it’s only the beginning. The fact is, you haven’t been buried; you have been planted. That means you’re coming back. And not only are you coming back, but you’re coming back in increase, better and stronger than before.
In those tough times, you’ve got to draw the line in the sand. Make a declaration, “This difficulty is not going to bury me. This loss, this disappointment, this injustice is not going to cause me to give up on my dreams. I refuse to live in self-pity. I know I am a seed. That means I cannot be buried. I can only be planted. I may be down, but it’s only temporary. I know I’m not only coming back, I’m coming back even better than I was before!”
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father in heaven, thank You for filling me with Your life-giving seed. I choose today to focus on the potential for my future. I know that I will overcome every obstacle by Your power that is at work in me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

New Readers

To my new readers,
I was diagnosed in 2007 and have been writing this blog ever since. I have the first year or so of posts printed and in a notebook for a possible book later, and its no longer posted. So if you have any questions about what I am going through, lost, want to know something or are scared to go to the doctor, then I am here to talk. Please I beg you, dont be scared. Literally life and death depends on it. I am fighting my fight with the best thougts I can, and the best way I know how. This is a place for my thoughts, feelings, songs, anything that I need off my chest, anything I want to update my family on, want to share, or for all the new people, awareness. Guidance. Caring. Sometimes strangers care more about each other than family. If you are alone and have no one, I can relate. Even though I have family in the home, for along time I did and do not feel that alot of people can actually relate. Not their fault but nonetheless its the same. So my main thoughts now, are helping other women get early detection. Girl power!!

Renee

If today was your last day?

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love

If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes '
Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day


Nickelback is so awesome! Love this song...now everyone sing....

Forgiveness to me

Its a crazy world out there. Its redundant to dwell. I have found that you take steps backwards when you get upset or unwilling to forgive. Its one thing to stand up for yourself, or what you believe in, or when you believe you are wronged. Its another thing to own up to your part of it no matter how big or small. If you cant realize that, then you cant start here at forgiveness where you look at your life and try to fix the parts that cause you pain. You have to start with you, you have to know who you are. You have to be willing to not just sit there and point fingers. If you are pointing fingers and not willing to resolve the issue, then you are just a spoiled brat. I am not saying that I have not been stubborn, and just so mad at the way I have been treated that it turns your whole world upside down. If you dont learn from it then you will repeat it. The lesson will be learned one way or another. If you arent willing to learn it when it presents itself to you for you to learn, then there will be a situation in your life come up where you will learn it the hard way. You can say...well you are one to talk... well your dam right. I am one to talk. And I am one to learn. I am one to teach. I am one to resolve it all with the Lord, then try to follow the gracious footsteps of Jesus. Goes back to WWJD. Simple as that. Maybe I should delete all I have written, because all that I have been trying to say, trying to get across is simply learned with 4 letters. WWJD. What would Jesus Do? When you think from a place of pure royalty, pure light, pure goodness then you follow the guidance of your heart not your mind where all these bull thoughts get in the way. Lesson learned....

Ortho Update

So I get a call last Friday that they found a possible fracture in my femur and I am scheduled to go to talk to the Ortho Clinic and get counseled. Now this is stemming from the previous email 4-8-09, and if you dont have that update you may be lost..

We get there and it was unusually busy. Both my sisters went and my mom. See I was told in my visit on the 5th, that if I got a fracture in any of my bones, that its devastating, and I probably wouldnt recover. Then I get a call that I have a fracture, and bring on the tears people.

So my sisters and mother immediately know my mind goes to the bad place... its just I take all the worst info, and prepare myself for the worst. I do not prepare myself for curveballs, which to me this one was. I get in there and the doc explains that its what he calls a lesion. I have a present lesion on my bone. A lesion is deterioration of the bone, but not a significant crack per sa. It can, or may lead to a crack, or a break. If it breaks, he called it a catastrophic break... to me that means that Im done. Heaven bound or at the very best wheelchair bound. What he needs is to compare charts and decide how aggressive this lesion is. If it is aggressive, meaning it wasnt on last scans, and all the sudden is here then its aggressive. Then we are talking surgery to put nails and screws in my bones so it wont break. That is not the only "lesion" in my pelvic area and hip bones. I am trying to be a strong as I can.. its so hard. I broke down in the office. This is just something else ontop of my Mt Everest that I have to face. How much more news can I get. How much more can I take? Just when I think, ok, I know it all..... now I can prepare for what needs to happen. I get my legs kicked right out from under me, and no...now deal with this! no choice. If its not aggressive, meaning its been on the scans the whole time, that means that it wont be such a cause for alarm. Thing is, I know when the pain started. I feel every bit of pain that comes from my bones. And since all my previous doctors didnt tell me what was on my scans, I cant tell you if it was there. There are things that I found out in the ER that I thought were new, they just never told me. There is nothing that can be done about it. All I can do is go for my bone treatments, hope the pill is killing the cells on the bones, so they can regrow, and stand on the dart board for all the rest of the shots, news, feelings, and tears to come because I know they are. Its funny, that I will be fine for a couple of days, then slam.... I am forced to deal and think of things that are overwhelming to say the very least. I can feel myself getting stronger..... at least my heart is stronger. I can take sooooooooooo much. It takes so much for me to even cry. I thought I was all cried out. When you get diagnosed, you think ok, I know the worst, now what do we do. I have been steady getting one piece of bad news after another, trying to put the best spin on it, trying to make it through another minute.. another hour, another day. Its not easy. But as always, no choice, no other way to go. Except in the ground. And Im not ready for that. I went to my dads grave on last Fathers Day, for the first time in like 20 years. It was then I realized he was killed at the age of 30. It sent me spiraling and that it felt like I had his fate, I wasnt going to make it past 30 either. Another thing is my sister, is having a girl due almost on my exact bday. I was, and to be honest its not out of my head, what they say, one life in one life out. It happened with my fathernlaw. He passed and literally the next days, I found out I was pregnant with Kristen. Scares me too.. I have not told anyone this. When my 31 bday came around last year, I was the only one quietly sighing a breathe of relief. A short relief if any... I am stilll scared to death... living my life....what else can I do? What I really am looking forward to, is that new energy, fresh from heaven, fresh youth. Maybe I can suck some of that right back into me. Post menapausal at 30... who ever heard of such of thing.... oh yeah... me.

I have to stay off my leg, no significant pressure for another month, where I will go back in and get xrays to see the progression. At this time I will know if I need surgery... so they say. Im so glad my mother took this over. I cant deal with all this by myself anymore. My mother and sisters have really been there for me since weve been at this new place. A real understanding of real respect, love, and encouragement is something we are sharing.


So dam, music has been my one real crutch. Nothing like a song to make you feel however you need to feel. Gangsta, love, sad, emo, happy, jammin, dancing... that is when I can look in the mirror and say... oh there you are. That and when I hear from my friends and family. The ones who really care. That tell me, you are the strong one, you are a force. That is who you are. Not who you were. Those are the ones who really know me, who really love me, and who really know exactly what to say to me when i feel like giving up... Bit*h...getup and fight! That is sometimes what I need to here...


thats about all i can take for now... ttyl

Status update email-4-8-09

Originally emailed on 4/8/09

Hello all,
The day after my doc appt I have had a chance to soak it all in. Its amazing the difference in feelings of forward progress and the thoughts of thinking you are just wasting away. I saw the doctor after getting vitals done and my blood pressure was thru the roof. I told the nurse, I only slept 3 hours last nite.. the anticipation gave me a migrain. I finally caught some zzz's from 6-9am. Some is better than none. Anyways, I really liked this doctor although I still have a choice between her an another I am seeing in a months time. She listed 3 positive things about my cancer. 1. Its ER positive which means that I have an option for hormone treatments on top of chemo which ER negative only has a choice of chemo 2. Most of the places throughout my body, the cancer is in my bones, which the doct swears is good because its not in my organs. My bones can be rebuilt... with alot of hard work. 3. I can rebuild my muscles still, which in turn has positive affects on the rest of me.. all the way around. I do not qualify for clinical trials due to the fact that its not a pronounced measurable area that they can get to easily to see if the trial meds are having an affect. She said right off the bat, that there are 10-15 treatments that she could think of off the top of her head. The thing is I have to decide what I want to put myself through. Chemo of course makes your hair fall out, and is very hard on all other organs. She advised me that if we use all the options up, and there is none left, well Im not any better off am I? The pills I take are the same for now. I have to get another mammogram, another CT Scan, a bone scan, and a Zomeda treatment this Friday for my bones. And the best news of all at the end, my port flushed!!! The doctor sent in the nurse and she said we are going to try to draw blood from the port and if it doesnt come out then you have to go to radiology and get a dye injected so they can see where the clog was... So the doc left, and the nurse came in a few minutes later. Myself, my mom, and Lisa, were calling all the angels of ports, of plumbing, of good nurses.. heck I dont care. I will call the angel of bedpans if I have to to get some kind of good news...lol.. So I am looking down and she was able to draw blood from my port. Which means still good! Which means not starting all over or having to have another surgery! I take whatever I can get, and after doing a few disco moves when I saw the tube, I told her that we were going to sing the Rocky theme music as we went down the hall to leave... It was a turning point. Forward steps, not backward steps. YAY! So all the tests and scans over the next month takes me to my next appt the beginning of May when they will decide if they want to change the medicine or not. They will have a clearer picture by being able to compare scans. ok, another wait, another month... but forward progress... fingers crossed people!!!!

More updates to come when I get it, you will too!

Status update email-4-5-09

Originally sent in a mass email on 4-5-09....


Hi everyone,

I have new information on my condition and I owe it to each of my friends and family to at least share the latest news. Last week I was feeling so bad that I finally picked up the phone and called my mom who then called into work to come be with me. Chris was at work and unreachable. When she got there, I was in probably one of the worst states that I have ever been. Long story short, I have been bounced back and forth from coverage, and since November they have dropped me and I havent seen a doctor since then. Its not something that I let happen, or havent been trying to fix. We have been going round and round with these people, and when I called my mom, I was in such a defeated state of mind, that I didnt feel strong, I didnt feel like fighting anymore. Needless to say I spent all Monday in the emergency room. When my mother talked to someone from Susan G. Komen and they found out my port hadnt been flushed in so long, the lady almost came from Canada to take me herself. A blod clot can occur and kill me instantly since I havent had it flushed... do you think any of the bazillions of doctors over 2 years have told me that. NO!!!!! Now I also find out I might have it replaced because if they do flush it, and there is a clot formed in the tube, then I die anyway. It was traumatizing enough the first time. So here I am in the emergency room on Monday for over 10 hours. I finally got new xrays and found 6-7 new places in my system that the cancer has spread to. Another on my spine, both my hips, both sides of my ribs, my pelvis, and my femur bone (thigh). Oh and appearantly I had a broken rib that I healed from but dont ask me when I broke a rib... have no idea. After my mother has been on the phone for countless hours, they got me into a CT scan yesterday (miracle I got in so fast) and I finally see a doctor on Tues (another miracle) coming up. I know that I am getting ready for the battle of my life. I have high hopes with a new set of eyes, with a new mind on my case that she will choose an aggressive treatment this time. I have been set aside, I have felt like a science project, I have felt like no one cares, I have felt like the doctors only care about money. My last doctor changed my medicine and dropped me before she found out if it was working.. and hello new tumors. URGH! I have been trying to mentally prepare for all that I am about to endure. The woman that I met at Gilda's last week says her chemo knocks her off her feet for 2 weeks. 2 weeks! I am already having a hard enough time trying to appear some kind of normal to my kids. I already struggle at times to not cry in front of them as it is. I put on a brave face for seeing people so that they feel comfortable. In doing this, they think Im cured and dont call.. or so I hear. I pray every day that Jesus brings me the strength I need so my kids see that no matter what happens at the end of all this, they will know I tried my ass off. Over the last 2 years since my diagnosis, family has come and gone. Whether they get on with their lives without us or not is fine, we have had no choice. I am here to say that we do not have room in our hearts for it any more. The sorrow that comes from people that we love should not even be a factor at this time in our lives. My kids have done nothing to anyone, and they are young and dont understand why people that have been there for them all their lives arent there now when it matters most. I dont have the answers. We are ascending to a higher thinking that doesnt involve letting the people you love down. Knowing that my kids will care about each and every one of you no matter what gives me a nice feeling. They are not taught to hate, or to judge. Each person has their own circumstances. I have taught them to recognize disgenuine people and thats where it stops. Thats when we say God Bless You and move on because only God can help you. I am saying for all of us, that we have no ill feelings for anyone. I will take on all the pain for them. I take pain that will make most men cower to the ground and I can do it smiling. I try to make everyone else feel comfortable around me. Right now all I say is its ok. I dont have time for it anymore. So be a part of our lives or dont, I am saying now that we are not looking back. We wont be there later for people that come back and come around only after the hard work is done. Then we all say that is not a very good person and we not only dont need it, we dont want it in our lives. I am blunt and I dont care right now..I dont exactly have many other chances to say what I feel. I am fighting for my life here, my husband, son and daughter are just as much in the fight as I am. We know who loves us. We love everyone and all of you are in our hearts. At the very least dealing with cancer has made us stronger. It gives me an opportunity to teach my children compassion for others who dont have it in their hearts to be the bigger person. Dealing with cancer has made me realize what is most important now while I am facing the hardest part... compassion for others. Not making judgements. Put your pettiness to the side. Smile. Hug someone else. That hug might just make a person decide not to give up. It may be the thing that makes all the difference in their lives, that makes them think someone cares. It may make the difference of life or death, literally. Im not only talking about towards me, I am talking about being kind towards others. Not being fake. No drama. Not saying you dont want drama, then stirring it up. Gossiping. Its such a waste of time when all that matters is loving each other and being there for each other. To all my friends that have called over the last couple of days, and I am sorry I havent been able to speak to anyone just yet..all you will hear right now is crying...lol.. so this email is about all I can do.. I will do my best to update you all and let you know what the doctor said. Please forward to anyone I missed, I dont have everyones email. Most of all right now I need positive thoughts sent my way, LOADS of prayers, and most of all hope. My tank is just about on empty.. lets get it filled back up...lol.. The people I recognize the most is my husband Chris, and my kids. Chris's strength amazes me. Christopher and Kristen are such good kids. I know they needs your prayers as well. To all my wonderful friends and family that have been there for me no matter what, you are all a part of the strength that keeps me and my family going and I am forever grateful, I truly love each one of you. Peace be with you all.

Words from Joel O. 4-27-09

Joel: As a young man growing up, I loved to play baseball. And like any child that ever put on a uniform, I dreamed one day of making it to “the big leagues.” In the world of baseball, there’s nothing bigger than Yankee Stadium, and on Saturday night, I stood at second base in front of a packed crowd.
But instead of a baseball glove in my hand, I had the Word of God. A dream had come true – and it was better than I could have possibly imagined.
Our historic night of hope from Yankee stadium was the first non-baseball event ever held at the world-famous ballpark, and it was also our first open air stadium event as a ministry. It was a night Victoria and I will never forget.
My prayer is that the tens of thousands in attendance and the millions more watching on television will always remember – God is good!

**When it feels like your dreams will never come true, when the challenges, pain and pressures in life become overwhelming, you’ll be tempted to forget that God is good. His Word reminds us that His faithfulness and His love endure forever.
God’s goodness is stronger and mightier than anything you’ll face in life. If you’ll keep holding on to your dreams and thanking God for His goodness, He’ll make your dreams come true. And it’ll be better than you could ever have imagined.


**I cant tell you how I read, and re read things like this. I try and draw hope and positive out of whatever I can to lift my spirits. Whatever happens to me, I know God is Good. I fully believe that I will serve whatever purposes he has for me, and thats all I have to hold on to... R

Bring it back

I thought instead of sending emails out, that I would just reopen my blog. All users. Anytime. Come and see for yourself. Send this link to whomever you want. I have wayyyy to many people that care about me that want status. I acknowlege you out there. You know who you are. By my side no matter what. If you want to come on here for an update, go ahead. If you want to send me positive thoughts, please do. If you come on here to make yourself feel better with my misery, then you are just a jerk (the 4 letter word that I will publish) and Im glad I dont know about it, if I did I would just say a prayer for you. You can jump off a cliff for all I care....figurativly speaking as they say....Peace out baby!

SO HOT

Has it not just been so hot these days. I have had heat sickness a couple of times now. I have been keeping busy lately.

As for me, I have been doing ok. I have been so tired. I have been keeping myself strong. I do not let myself wonder off to the bad place in my head where so many hard times exist. I know its hard out there for everyone.
I keep myself going by saying the Lord is wonderful. I give my whole life to Jesus and he is teaching me to live in God's favor. When you are happy for each day, each minute and you have God on your side then its so much easier to go through life. I see loved ones around me that have such a hard time. Its one thing or another and it never ends. Myself included. I always had faith, I always believed in God but I never actually took the time to realize that he is right there waiting for me to embrace him into my life. Full time. I am blessed to enjoy 2 pastors. Father at my church and also a gentlemen by the name of Joel Osteen. Before I was blessed in finding St. Elizabeth, Joel was the only thing I had to hold on to. He is a great pastor. His sermons are just heavenly and tell me one person that doesnt feel uplifted when they listen to him. He has such a pleasant voice.

Anyway, he talks about living in God's favor. How to expect the best and never the worst. If you expect the worst then that is what will happen. Even when you are in a terrible time and all hope is lost you listen to the power of God and its everywhere. Its hard to deny. Everything is so much greater than us. It is so easy to forget that. I taught vacation bible school last week and it was so fun. Each class would come in from pre-k to 5th grade and just be alive with Jesus. It was funny because the theme was the power of Jesus. They ended it with a cookout and the kids performed all the songs they learned. It was really nice. Christopher came too. He loved volunteering. I do to. They are both getting a great start in life knowing Jesus and knowing God is with them. Let it go to him.
I am trying harder than ever now to live in the positive side of life. I have been hurt so bad by family I thought loved me, I have been labeled by people that dont even know me. I have news for everyone, which isnt really news to anyone who really knows me, I am going to do what I want, when I want to do it, not when you say, not when you think its ok. No one runs my life or anyone in my house. I dont even run it, The Lord does. And I defy you to do anything to stop it. I will leave you in the dust where your stupid ass belong for thinking you can mess with the divine power of Jesus. I will forever kneel at the amazing grace of our saviour. It brings me to tears when the part of the church comes when we all say, Lord we take this on your name, but only say the word and I shall be healed. That makes me tear up every time. Its too much to take sometimes. I will be healed, and I will go on to do great things with my life, and bring as much awareness to this devastating disease as possible. I dont know how else to do it...

Back in the Public

Hi guys,
I am so glad to have readers again. I have really just been posting different thoughts, songs when no one was on. So I figured since you are here for an update, I would give you the latest.
I have been feeling really good lately. I get tired sometimes but I think that is to be expected. Chris says my body is fighting. In that case, I will sleep till Im healed..lol. I had a hysterectomy in March. 1 year folks. Its been a year and I feel better now than I did at the beginning that for sure. Last year was hell on earth. I show a brave face for family. Hardly anyone has seen or will see me when I am down. I will put on a happy face for any of my people. I enjoy seeing my friends and family and I think in a way it rejuvenates me. I go for my infusion tomorrow. Good thing is since I had the hysterectomy, I dont have to get the shot in the stomach anymore. They took everything. Whatever is producing estrogen, I wanted out of me. This is what is feeding it and I wont help it thats for sure. I also have had hope with the lump in my breast. It is getting smaller and smaller to myself and my doc. It is definitely smaller than when this all began. It felt rock hard and like a little ball inside. Not so much anymore. I am glad that it isnt getting bigger. The doc measures it with her little tool and she says it. I dont say anything, to lead her on or to give her an idea. The last time she said it all on her own. This is my new doc. Mainly because of distance. Also I have a female now, and she specializes in Breast Oncology. It is exactly where Im supposed to be. I really like her. I also am taking part in an exercise program. She believes that it has a big part to do with recovery and remission. I told her whatever helps the cause I am willing. Someone needs to start charting this miracle! Anyways, I do still go for infusions. It is considered chemo. I still say infusion. It is the bone treatment. I am being studied due to my back, and also the exercise study. I sometimes feel like a science project. I did have other news about a new spot, but I dont believe it to be true. Ii believe it to be a false reading from the scan. I wont believe anything until they do another scan exactly like the one I had last time and then compare the 2. I considered going back to work. I went, got the job, went for all the screenings that they do and then didnt go. When it came down to it, I do try to go to fast and I dont know if I am rushing myself. It would be stupid if I went back, then they laid me off or I had to quit cause I couldnt do it anyways. I waited too long for my disability to kick in for me to just go screw it up. I do have other plans though. And I couldnt be more excited about it. Maybe I will post it on my next posting. I prefer to do then talk. You will find out about it after I get finished. Thats always how it goes. I still have a regular regiment of pills I take. I do believe they are close to perfect to the right combination of medicine. I take one that if I miss a dose or run out, I severely withdrawl. Its the worst feeling in the world. I ran out of medicine not too long ago, and had the worst 3 days I have had in a long time. I had cold sweat, the shivers when I am hot, and I just cried and cried. I couldnt make it. I finally called the nurse and she told me that it was because I was out of meds. I had an appt with her the next day so I told myself I would get it then. I would have been up there sooner if I would have known I would feel like that. Even now, if I take my meds before bed, and then sleep past the time I am supposed to take them, I will start cold sweating and just break down. It really sucks. Chris has been right here to make sure I have my meds thank God. He takes such good care of me. A few months ago, I hit rock bottom because of the pills. Moreso the combination of all the pills. I went off the deep end, and wasnt myself. I thank Chris that he is my punching bag when I need it. I have had some major disappointments as well. Mostly with family, mostly with posers who act like family.
Anyways, Im not wasting my digits on that. Christopher chose to do summer semester as the college. They also ended up having classes for the littler kids up there, so I signed Kristen up for Martial arts at the college too. I told her she goes to college too. She loves it. Well I have to say hi to my cousins who graduated this year. I know we dont talk much cause we are so busy, but I am more than proud of you guys!! More soon...

Walk Away Renee

Walk Away Renee
And when I see the sign that
points one way
The lot we used to pass by
every day
(Chorus):
Just walk away Renee,
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
From deep inside the tears that
I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain I
I chose to hide
(Chorus)
Now as the rain beats down
upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
(Solo)(Chorus)
Your name and mine inside a heart upon a wall
Still finds a way to haunt me,though they're so small
(Chorus)

Savin Me

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin'

[CHORUS]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin'

[CHORUS]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'

So Small

by:Carrie Underwood

What you got if you aint got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
Don't run out on your faith
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big, at the time
It's like a river that's so wide
It swallows you whole
While you're sittin round thinking about what you can't change
And worryin' about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count, cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searchin for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small